Friday humour - March 26, 2004


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

            G'day,
      It's getting harder to get the humour through unscathed each week now.
      Several good items that arrived in the past cupla days just had to be
      junked because one of the Micro$oft Exchange "mail servers" in the
      system (either at CSIRO or CUB) had decided to break every text line at
      column 75!  Ah well, not to worry - many great contributions did make it
      through the Micro$oft minefield, beginning with this bit of uniquely
      Jewish humour as passed on by Hollywood Len.  (And I may not be Jewish,
      but I really enjoy their culture ... most *especially* their humour :-)
                             ----------------------

                                 ODD RABBI OUT

These four Rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always
in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd Rabbi out, after the usual
"3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again,
decided to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong!
Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the Rabbi finished his prayer,
a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and
dissolved.

"A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!"

But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the Rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that
I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!"

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one
big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the Rabbi, but his friends insisted that
nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The Rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said,
"Oh God ...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep,
booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The Rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"

"So?" shrugged one of the other Rabbis, "Now it's 3 to 2."

                      -----=====#====#====#=====-----

    And this recently spotted bumper sticker:

"I don't care WHO you are. You're not walking on the water while I'm fishing."
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      And from one of the Stuart clan in bonny Scotland, Davo just received
      this one and quickly passed it on for your amusement ...
                             ----------------------

                                 GET THE CAMEL

The new English Paratrooper Captain was assigned to a Irish Regiment in a
remote post in the Lebanese desert. During his first inspection, he noticed
a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Irish Sergeant why the
camel is kept there.

"Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "As you know, there are 250 men here and
no women. And sir ... sometimes the men have ... m-m-m .... urges. That's
why we have the camel, sir."

The English Captain says, "Humph!  Well ... alright then.  I can't say that I
condone it, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own
urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Irish Sergeant to bring the camel
to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it,
pulls down his pants, and gives the camel a jolly good seeing-to.

When he is done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the Irish do it?"

"Uh, no sir," the Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into
town where the girls are."
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          And from John the PLC boffin over at the factory of much beer,
          we received this little collection:
                             ----------------------

             ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM A CELL-PHONE USERS MANUAL

"Never place your phone in a microwave oven as this will cause the battery
to explode."  (Aww! I wanted to cook my food and my phone at the same time!!)

"Do not impact the phone with sharp objects such as nails or animal's teeth."
(But my cats love to use my phone!)

"Using a damaged battery or placing a battery in your mouth may cause
serious injury."  (Yummy!!)

"Do not charge the phone battery using the desktop charger and the travel
charger simultaneously, this may cause the battery to be altered or damaged."
(You mean plugging the phone into two chargers doesn't charge it twice
as fast?!)

                      -----=====#====#====#=====-----

Unless you've been living in a cave, you've probably heard about the Mars
Pathfinder probe. Once it lands on the Red Planet, Pathfinder will release
the Sojourner Rover, a little laboratory on wheels. Sojourner will cruise
about the Martian surface performing experments. It turns out that Sojourner
and Pathfinder will communicate using two standard, off-the-shelf 9600 baud
radio MODEMs.

According to JPL program manager Donna Shirley, the MODEM manufacturer warned
them that sending it to Mars would void the warranty.

                      -----=====#====#====#=====-----

Intel recently revealed a new supercomputer, which can use up to 9,000 Pentium
Pro CPU's working in parallel. It's been benchmarked at 1.4 teraflops, and
it is the fastest computer in the world today.  Rumor has it that it boots
Windows XP in less than a minute.
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     Here's another from our North Hollywood correspondent, Len, who says:
     "And most of these we learn the HARD WAY."  More cutting philosophy ...
                             ----------------------


                                 I'VE LEARNED ...

That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end,
the faster it goes.

That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

That money doesn't buy class.

That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated
and loved.

That the Lord didn't do it all in one day.  So what makes me think I can?

That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person
continue to hurt you.

That love, not time, heals all wounds.

That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with
people smarter than I am.

That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile

That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling
their breath on your cheeks.

That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before
he passed away.

That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he
may have to eat them.

That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little fist,
that you're hooked for life.

That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness
and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested
and when it is a life threatening situation.

That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
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      Time for some more pics and things - and you guys have been really
      busy ... it's another great lot of material.  First up, from Brett:

In the deep end (movie): Click here
And our next caller is ... (another movie - big): Click here
Drag the bunny (somewhat X-rated): Click here
                             ----------------------

      From Maria the Harding, these arrived during the week:

Dropping a hint ... Click here
Test your eyes: Click here
Never satisfied - from pre-school to the grave: Click here

      And - remember those amazing hand paintings that Maria sent back
      on 9-Aug-2002? Click here  Well, here's some more that just arrived a cupla

      hours ago:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

      Okay, okay, I know what you're thinking ...it was 24-Mar-2000 Click here
     and 5-Sep-2003 Click here when we had those cute body ones ...

                             ----------------------

      John Sanderson thought you may find these amusing.  Some more sporting
      highlights of the year 2003:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here
                             ----------------------

      And Dave McCallum sent this collection over.  The first 6 of these
      are absolute classics - some "footpath (aka sidewalk) art" ...

Footpath art: Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Senior's road-rage: Click here
The next trick to get the girls smoking is: Click here
Some more pictures from the latest Mars landing: Click here
Watch out - here come the British ... Click here
                             ----------------------

      Ron Kerpen passed this collection on:

Buy a dog: Click here
Car burgler protection (extended version): Click here
Doing voodoo: Click here
                             ----------------------

      And Steve the Harding sent these - some more demotivators ...

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
                             ----------------------

        Another of Mike Horne's brothers sent these over:

Leunig's bomber  Click here
Leunig - NOT sorry Click here
Leunig's wall: Click here
                             ----------------------

        The farmer and his Merc, as passed on by Doug the Knightly one:
 Click here
                             ----------------------

        And finally, for those of you who enjoyed the penguin baseball, we
        have this extreme version as passed on by Dermot Murphy ...

Penxtreme: Click here
                             ----------------------

     By the way, I will include some more radio humour/quizz/drama for those
     of you who enjoy that sorta stuff when I get more time.  If you really
     need a fix in the meantime, you can always go to the bluehaze radio
     archives - Click here
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          Back to some plain textual stuff now, and it's back over to the
          old West of Oz for this one from our sister humour list ...
                             ----------------------

                    TOILET SEATS CLEANER THAN KEYBOARDS


MARCH 12, 2004

KEYBOARDS, computer mice and telephone dials are more infested with microbes
than toilet seats, according to a new study.

The University of Arizona study recommends that office work stations be
regularly disinfected since they can on average contain 400 times as many germs
as a toilet seat, said Charles Gerba, a University of Arizona microbiologist.

According to the study, telephones harboured up to 25,127 germs per square
inch, keyboards 3,295 and computer mice 1,676. The average office contains
20,961 germs per square inch.

"Desks are really bacteria cafeterias," Mr Gerba said. "They are breakfast
bars, lunch tables and everything else, as we spend more hours at the office.

"When someone is infected with a cold or flu bug, the surfaces they touch
during the day become germ transfer points because some cold and flu viruses
can survive on surfaces for up to 72 hours," he added. "An office can become
an incubator."

US health officials last month warned about the dissemination of germs during
the flu season.
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          And another one from John over at good ol' CUB (even though my
          home-made beer tastes better than theirs):
                             ----------------------

                               SOUTHERN SAYINGS

Don't name a pig you plan to eat.

Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well
you bounce.

Keep skunks and gossipers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.

Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

Meanness don't happen overnight.

To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.

Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.

Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.

Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.

Don't corner something meaner than you.

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to
catch flies.

Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

You can't unsay a cruel thing.

Every path has some puddles.

Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        This one from Lisa T was on once before, but it was back in the year
        2000, so many of you probably missed it ...
                             ----------------------


                                  WHAT A JERK

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head
of a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results concluded that
the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide
the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, the French declared that the British were
wrong and decided to conduct their own study of the same subject.

After three years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000, they concluded
that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman
with more sexual pleasure.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to
conduct its own study.

So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of around $75,
the Aussie study was complete.

They came to the conclusion that the reason the head of a man's penis is
larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting
him in the forehead.
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     That should be it for this week (we're already well over) - but for
     those of you who have enough time to read it, one last one from Biggus.
     Biggus writes: "This one is a bit wordy (not to mention long!) and may
     only cause chuckles amongst ex-defence force personnel but here you go"

     So for those of your friends who you feel may need it, please pass on
     the following instructions:
                             ----------------------

                    Australian Army Training Bulletin # 1

BEER CAN 375 ML AUST PATTERN MK 1

PRELIMINARIES

LESSON

Characteristics, Safety Precautions, Degrees of Readiness and the IAs of the
375ml Beer Can Aust Pattern MK1.

METHOD

Practical drinking lesson
Explain, demonstrate, squad imitates

DURATION

1 forty minute period

DRESS

Comfortable dress, open neck shirt, thongs

STORES

2 x tables FS
8 x 375ml Beer Cans Aust Pattern MK1
4 x Beer Jugs
1 x Insulator Coolite Hand Held C1

LOCATION

Suitable drinking area

PRELIMINARIES

Erect tables FS one in front of the other and three paces apart.
Place 6 beer cans on one table 1 pace apart in groups of 2.
Place 2 beer cans on the instruction table. Place 3 jugs on the tables in
front of the cans.
Place 1 jug on the instruction table.

SAFETY PRECAUTIONS

Explain to the squad that the beer cans have been checked for safety prior
to the commencement of the lesson.

APPROACH

During this period you will be taught the Characteristics, Safety
Precautions, Degrees of Readiness and the IAs of the 375ml Beer Can Aust
Pattern MK1.

REASON

The reason you are taught these is to enable you to understand the
characteristics and general data, to employ the beer can within its
capabilities and carry out the safety precautions. The degrees of readiness
are taught to enable the drinker to bring the can to the degree of
operational readiness necessary or so ordered.


STANDARD

At the end of this lesson you will be able to state the characteristics and
general data of the Beer Can 375ml Aust Pattern MK1 and employ it safely
within its capabilities.


BODY

CHARACTERISTICS

The beer can is hand held, tilt operated, gravity fed.

GENERAL DATA

Using the general data chart, explain:

* Uses amber liquid which is pleasant to the taste and highly
effervescent
* Velocity at the drinking orifice is 52ml per second on a hot day
* Capacity 375ml
* Full can weighs 440 grams
* The can must be stored in a cool place

ATTACHMENTS

Can be fitted with an Insulator Coolite Hand Held C1. When fitted with this
the can will remain cold for up to 15 minutes.

HANDLING PRECAUTIONS

Explain to the squad that to prevent accidents and rip offs, the following
precautions should be followed:

* When handling or receiving a full can, always hold the can upright,
  unless carrying out safety precautions
* Never unduly shake the can
* Never open a warm can, as the contents may erupt


SAFETY PRECAUTIONS

* Take up the can in the palm of the left hand. Thumb vertical.
* Check the top rim of the can for tears, sharp projections and defects,
  especially around the drinking orifice.
* Invert the can.
* Raise the can over the head and check for leaks
* Invert the can.
* Check that the peeling open device is intact and that the peeling open
  device ring is correctly seated on top.
* Check by feel that the can is at the correct temperature.
* The can is now safe.

INSPECT CANS

Instructor now moves to the rear of the squad and has No 1 inspect his can
and declare it SAFE or otherwise. Instructor then inspects squad's cans
calling SAFE or otherwise as he passes.



DEGREES OF READINESS

Explain to the squad that the degrees of readiness are:

* LOAD
* ACTION
* INSTANT
* UNLOAD

THE LOADED CONDITION

The can is said to be in the LOADED condition when it is held in the left
hand, it is full of amber liquid and the Peeling Open Device has been lifted
to allow the initial expansion of gasses to take place.

* Adopt the drinking position with the left foot 30cm in front of the
  right and the can in the left hand with the left thumb vertical.
* With the fore finger and thumb of the right hand, grasp the Peeling Open
  Device.
* Tilt the Peeling Open Device until the sound of escaping gas is heard.
* Remove the right hand to the side and call in a clear voice 'LOADED'

ACTION

The can is said to be in the ACTION condition when the can is full of amber
fluid, the can is held in the left hand and the Peeling Open Device has been
removed to reveal the drinking orifice.

* On the command 'ACTION' grasp the Peeling Open Device between the
  forefinger and thumb of the right hand.
* Pull the Peeling Open Device smartly to the rear in one smooth action.
* Lay flat the Peeling Open Device against the top of the can.

INSTANT

The can is said to be in the INSTANT condition when the can is full of amber
liquid, the drinking orifice is open and the can is raised to the mouth.

* On the command INSTANT raise the can to the lips ready to drink.
* On the command 'CARRY ON' tilt the bottom of the can upward and at
  the same time tilt the head to the rear.
* Allow the amber liquid to pour from the drinking orifice into the mouth.
* Swallow.

UNLOAD

The can is said to be UNLOADED when - the can is empty.

* On the command UNLOAD and with the drinking orifice to the right, pour
  the remaining amber fluid into the jug provided.
* Throw the unloaded can over the left shoulder.

IMMEDIATE ACTION AND STOPPAGES

The 375ml Beer Can Aust Pattern MK1 is only subject to one stoppage - that
is when the can becomes empty.

IMMEDIATE ACTION

Have the squad take up a new can and carry out the degrees of readiness,
then order REST.

CAN IS DRINKING, CAN STOPS

* Remove the drinking orifice from the mouth.
* With the left eye, check inside the drinking orifice to see if the can
  is empty.
* Can has amber liquid.
* Raise the can to the mouth and continue drinking.

CAN DRINKING, CAN STOPS.

Carry out the IA

EMPTY CAN

* Throw the empty can over the left shoulder.
* Take up a full can.
* Carry out Load, Action, Instant independently.
* Raise the drinking orifice to the mouth and continue drinking.


CONCLUSION


REITERATE THE APPROACH

During this lesson you have been taught the Characteristics, Safety
Precautions, Degrees of Readiness and the IAs of the 375ml Beer Can Aust
Pattern MK1.

REITERATE THE REASON

The reason you are taught these is to enable you to understand the
characteristics and general data, to employ the beer can within its
capabilities and carry out the safety precautions. The degrees of readiness
are taught to enable the drinker to bring the can to the degree of operational
readiness necessary or so ordered.

STANDARD

Tell the squad the standard they have achieved. Tell them their weak points
and how to overcome them.

SAFETY PRECAUTIONS

Instruct the squad to unload.
Instruct the squad to pick up and produce all empty cans for inspection.
Instructor moves to the rear of the squad and has the No1 inspect his cans
and declare them safe.
Instructor then inspects the squad's cans.

NEXT LESSON ON SUBJECT

Inform the squad of the next lesson on the subject.

NEXT LESSON

Inform the squad of their next lesson.

AFTER ACTION

Place empty cans in the bin and re-condition stores.
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[ End Friday humour ]


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