Friday humour - March 19, 2004


     From Davo at bluehaze:


G'day and Yo!

With last weeks dreadful tragedy in Iraq our government has once again gone
into "truth overboard" mode.  Time for a few Friday funnies.

You may like to check out some of the humorous ads on this site sent in by
UK Smithie - Click here

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The footy season starts next week so here is the first contribution from
Bernie M

                           Magpie Magic

                          SPECIAL OFFER!!!

Buy one Collingwood football team, and we'll throw in a towel.

What do you do for a drowning Collingwood player?
Nothing. You could drag him to the top, but he'll choke anyway.

What's the difference between Collingwood and an arsonist?
An arsonist wouldn't waste 22 matches .

Collingwood are bringing out a new bra.
Plenty of support but no CUP.

Did you hear that the post office has had to recall their latest stamps?
They had pictures of Collingwood players on them. People couldn't figure
out which side to spit on.

Did you hear about the politician that was found dead in a Collingwood jersey?
The police had to dress him up in womens underwear in order to save his
family from embarrassment.

A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total write off
and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend
'what's happened to your car?

"Well... " the friend responds, "I ran over Nathan Buckley".

"OK, " says the man, "that explains the blood ... but what about the leaves,
the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"He tried to escape through the park"

What do Collingwood fans and sperm have in common?
One in a million has a chance of being a normal human being.

What do you have when the Collingwood cheer squad are buried up to their
necks in sand?
Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead Collingwood
fan on the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and Eddie McGuire. You
have a gun with 2 bullets.  What do you do?
Shoot Eddie twice.

How many Collingwood fans does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven.  One to change it, five to moan about it and make excuses and Mick
Malthouse to say that if the umpire had done his job in the first place the
light bulb would never have gone out!

SPECIAL OFFER ... Buy one Collingwood football team, and we'll throw in
a towel.

 Click here

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A collection from Hollywood Len

                         WHERE IS YOUR BEARD?

After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country
for America returns to visit the family.

"But -- where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.

"Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard."

"But at least you keep the Sabbath?"

"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."

"But kosher food you still eat?"

"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."

The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in
his ear, "Isaac, tell me - you are still circumcised?"

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                   A RECENTLY SPOTTED BUMPER STICKER

"I don't care WHO you are. You're not walking on the water while I'm fishing."

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                               BEASTLY

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing
his temper.

"Be careful," he said to his wife. "You will bring out the beast in me."

"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who is afraid of a mouse?"

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Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas,
and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.

The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any
longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him,
drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours non-stop.

When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance
is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

A few days later his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you
hurt?"...

"AM I HURT?" he shouts, "Come on, now - wouldn't you be?  He hasn't called,
he hasn't written ..."

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   To the graphics now - submitted by Uni Lee, Smithie, Allnutts, Digi Steve,
   Digi Maria, Jas, and you know who you are:

Irony Click here

Relaxed outdoors loo Click here

T-shirts Click here Click here Click here

Private parts Click here

Real bad Click here

Pencil holder Click here

D & M Click here

Cards Click here

Huh? Click here

Almost there! Click here

Elegance Click here

Decorated dick Click here Click here Click here Click here

Offsprings Click here

A Microsoft future Click here

Politics Click here

My love Click here

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 From Christine the ray over in the west

                              IRISH JOKES

1) An American tourist was boasting to an Irishman how advanced the Americans
are. "Gee, we've even put a man on the moon."

"That's nothing," replied the Irishman," we're going to put a man on the
sun."

"Don't be stupid," said the American," "he'll fry before he even gets
there."

"Oh no, he won't. We're sending him at night."

2) Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against
the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now."

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Also from Christine as well as Scotia Kiz

                                   AFFAIRS

THE FIRST AFFAIR

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions
overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate
love all afternoon.

Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 p. m. As
the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside
and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary
and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up
until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been
playing golf!".


THE SECOND AFFAIR

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil
all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.

"Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for
their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen
and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the
Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."


THE THIRD AFFAIR

A man walks into a nightclub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for
a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"One Cent?", exclaimed the man.

The bartender replied, "Yes."

So the man glances over at the menu and asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone
steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money. A whole
4 cents."

"Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."


THE FOURTH AFFAIR

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control
company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when
her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him
in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom
discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards ..."

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Finally from Smithie in the UK

                     50 THINGS WE WISH GIRLS KNEW ...

1. We aren't mind readers!

2. We are not to be used as pawns in trying to make your girlfriends jealous.

3. When you sleep over never boss me around in bed unless it is during sex.

4. Smoking is the biggest turn off.

5. It never hurts to work out.

6. If you don't want to hear the truth, don't ask the question.

7. "Fine" or "whatever" is not an appropriate ending to a conversation.

8. If you want sex, just ask. (In case you didn't already know.)

9. Don't expect guys to say as many sweet things as they do in the movies.
   (It takes a lot of guys and their wives to come up with those scripts).

10. Only models are able to wear most of the stuff you see in fashion magazines.

11. No guy will complain if he comes home and sees you in one of the following
    outfits: French Maid, School girl, bunny, or just plain naked.

12. You don't need lingerie to look sexy before bed, short cotton shorts
    and a tank top are fine by us.

13. Girls look good naked so stop worrying.

14. Sharing your deepest feelings in no way guarantees reciprocity.

15. We are all kinky and willing to try anything that you may enjoy, just
    let us know.

16. Every so often no matter whether it is true or not remind us that we
    have the biggest penis you've ever dealt with. 17. If were not getting love
    we'll start looking...(haha...just kidding...psych...I'm dead serious)

18. The greatest thing ever is to watch a girl touch herself.

19. Most of the time when I fantasize it is about another person.

20. If you, the girl, make out with another girl we won't consider it cheating.
    Actually we strongly promote this behavior.

21. Your hair is like 14 inches long, how are we supposed to notice a quarter
    inch missing.

22. You shouldn't be flattered or grossed out if we get an erection when
    dancing with you. All we need is Friction.

23. Porn...hmmm...Porn. Watching porn is like breathing it would just be
    wrong to ask us to stop.

24. We masturbate, usually more when we are in a relationship, can't explain
    it but it is just fact.

25. Blue balls are not sporting equipment. Didn't your parents teach you
    not to quit.

26. Giving head is never a bad idea.

27. We are conservationists at heart, water is our biggest love, so shower
    with us.

28. There are three acceptable ways to wake up: (1) You on top of us. (2)
    Getting head. (3) Some sort of breakfast.

29. We don't mind going to gay movies with you but don't tell our friends.

30. You can't hold it against us if we cry after sports movies or "Old yeller."

31. "The game is on" is an acceptable excuse to avoid any serious conversation.

32. Any harsh contact with the testicles should be assumed a serious injury
    but soft caresses are strongly encouraged. 33. You're probably not as funny
    as you think.

34. Brad Pitt is probably a cool guy but if I hear one more girl say "he's
    so hot" he may have to die.

35. Your period should be referred to as Blowjob week. (Influenced by a
    Maxim article)

36. Cooking makes a girl that much more attractive especially if she can
    use a grill.

37. You can't get mad if we refuse to hook up your "ugly friend" with one
    of our friends.

38. For every fart that slips out when you are around we successfully hold
    in about 15, enduring excruciating pain to do this.

39. If we want to take naked pictures of you it is because we are proud and
    want to show you off to our friends.

40. The red light means the video camera is off.

41. A guy should be considered sensitive if he asks whether you want to do
    it with the lights on or off.

42. Whip cream and chocolate syrup are not just condiments for ice cream
    also Altoids just don't make your breath fresher.

43. Nothing you will ever do will entitle you to operate the remote control.
    (Unless operating means handing it to us.)

44. The only thing left to be said after sex is "goodnight."

45. Video games have helped us develop such finger skills that should only
    encourage us to play more often.

46. Critiquing our driving is only second to critiquing our love making.

47. Guys nights out are sacred events. If we answer questions we could
    be castrated.

48. If you ask us to go shopping you have to at least entertain the idea of
    having sex in a changing room.

49. The jeans don't make your ass look fat. Your fat ass makes your ass
    look fat.

50. 99.5% of the time we didn't mean to hurt you.


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Quotes of the Week


  "Mr Blair and Mr Bush must do some reflection and self-criticism.
   You can't organise a war with lies."

        - Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero, Spanish Prime Minister Elect


  "The reality is, if this turns out to be Islamic extremists
   responsible for this bombing in Spain, it's more likely to
   be linked to the position that Spain and other allies took
   on issues such as Iraq."

              - Mick Keelty, Australian Federal Police Commissioner


  "Mick Keelty is just expressing the views that reflects a lot of
   propaganda we are getting from Al Qaeda"

                    - Alexander Downer, Australian Foreign Minister


       Plus a last minute ring-in from Tony (Bluehaze webmaster):

   I bet the MAIN reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is
   they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then
   when somebody comes up, acting like they just woke up and going "What
   was THAT?!"

        -- Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey [SNL]

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[ End Fri humour ]
	

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