Friday humour - March 12, 2004


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         G'day,
     Here's a headline for you from a US site called "Internet News" - it goes:
     "March 10, 2004 Major E-Mail Providers Bare Can Spam Teeth"

     Headlines are traditionally cryptic, but I thought that was a pretty
     good one.  After reading the article, I _think_ it's trying to say
     something like: "Major E-mail providers bare (their) 'Can Spam' teeth",
     where 'Can Spam' is a new Act that George Doublya signed off on back
     in December.  The article begins with this hopeful bit of information:

   "WASHINGTON -- Four of the world's largest e-mail providers are launching a
   coordinated legal attack against kingpin spammers violating the provisions
   of the two-month-old Can Spam Act."

     So maybe there is hope for E-mail yet.  It's certainly out of control at
     present, but it almost sounds as though the US Congress may have passed
     some useful new laws.  The full article's here - Click here

     And Mike Horne's brother (our San Francisco correspondent) passed on
     this link, entitled "Where Is My Gay Apocalypse?  Over 3,500 gay
     marriages and, what, no hellfire?  I was promised hellfire.  And riots.
     What gives?"  Here's the link to read more - Click here

     Okay, onto the humour now, and from Biggus, we received these from a
     popular humour list over in Germany:
                           -------------------------

                             JOKES FROM GERMANY

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Two men are sitting in a pub.  One man turns to the other and says: 'Last
night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her
drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and
runs away.  One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals
in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
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       Trust you enjoyed that Germanic humour.  Now it's across the Atlantic
       to CA and our Nth Hollywood correspondent, Len, with this short one:
                           -------------------------

                               BATS IN THE BELFRY

Three pastors were having lunch in a diner.

One said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats
in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything - noise, spray, cats -
nothing seems to scare them away."

Another said, "Me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the
attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church.
Haven't seen one back since!"
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              Here's one from Unix (well, from "kex", actually) ...
                           -------------------------

                              CONGRATULATIONS

Congratulations!  You have purchased an extremely fine device that would
give you thousands of years of trouble-free service ... except that you
undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.

YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU?  YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND
TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS - AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET
IT ON "FAST FORWARD" ... THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?

AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT?

WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE
SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?

  -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
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             And once again, it's over to the frothy old CUB and one
             from John K ...
                           -------------------------


                                SHOPPING AT REBEL

A woman goes into Rebel Sports to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's 21st
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes
over to the counter. A Rebel check-out clerk is standing there wearing
dark glasses.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway.  He says,
"That's an eight-foot surf caster Shakespeare graphite 667 Model rod fitted
with a Shimano Calcutta 400 reel, spooled with 20lb Berkley Fireline. It's a
good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $199.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. She bends down to
pick it up and accidentally breaks wind.  At first she is really embarrassed,
but then realises it's not likely that the blind clerk could tell it was
she who farted. He may not even know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $254.50 please."  The woman
is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for
$199.00?  How did you get $254.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am, the rod and reel is $199.00, but the duck caller
is $36.00 and the fishing bait is $19.50."
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          This lot just rumbled in from the UK, from ... yep, Rumbers:
                           -------------------------

Friend of mine's working on the screenplay for a movie - Sigourney Weaver
teaches a flesh-eating extra-terrestrial how to speak English.

Pygmalien - In Spice, Nah'un Can 'ear Yer Screechin'

Features songs such as "The Race In Space Feeds Mainly On the Face" &
"Just You Wait, Android Bishop, Just You Wait"

Newsflash: Osama Bin-Laden to switch from Al-Qaeda to Al-Q'Laen. Could last
up to 6 times longer. No truth in rumours of complete cell-out.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          And just before the pics and things - one more quickie from our
          Nth Hollywood correspondent, Len M:
                           -------------------------

                            A MEETING WITH THE BOARD

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with
the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.

"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board," said
the minister.

"I know," said the man. "If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I'd
like to meet him."
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       To the pics and movies and things now - and first up, from
       Biggus:

Stress relief: Click here
                           -------------------------

       And from Mike Horne:

Pressure testing of fruit: Click here
                           -------------------------

       Maria posted some more examples of "reasons not to get drunk" at
       that next party ...

Good angle: Click here
Glug ... Click here
Totally gone: Click here
Mammee ... Click here
                           -------------------------

       These relate to Western Australia's ultra-reliable power grid and
       a few minor problems it was experiencing back in January.  We're a
       tad late with these but better late than never.  Passed on by Steve
       K from over in WA:

Western Power home page: Click here
Western Power backup generators: Click here
                           -------------------------

       And from Digitronics/LMS/PC-MAUD Steve, we have ...

Careful here ... Click here
                           -------------------------

       From Captain Ron, these two ...

Hello :-)  Click here
Off-road convenience ...  Click here
                           -------------------------

       And three more commercials from www.funnyplace.org (that's where
       the above Pepsi one came from):

Bud commercial: Click here
ISP commercial: Click here
Dodge commercial: Click here
                           -------------------------

       The molecular Ol' sent these over during the last cupla weeks ...

Nice Chinese dish ...  Click here
Ouch: Click here
Food from other countries #1: Click here
Food from other countries #2: Click here
Signs from other countries: Click here
                           -------------------------

       And Martin Leahy (currently doing his Chem PhD at Melb Uni) risked
       his life by passing these two on ...

Male Brain: Click here
Female Brain: Click here
                           -------------------------

       From Oli's other half (Ian Mads), we recently received this lot -
       variously lewd cartoons which I'll simply number (because they defy
       description, hmmmm?) ...

Cartoon #1: Click here
Cartoon #2: Click here
Cartoon #3: Click here
Cartoon #4: Click here
Cartoon #5: Click here
Cartoon #6: Click here
Cartoon #7: Click here
Cartoon #8: Click here
Cartoon #8: Click here
                           -------------------------


      From Lee over at Melbourne Uni, this one rolled in:

Jurrasic: Click here
                           -------------------------

      John Sanderson sent in this preview of the next season of TV reality
      shows:

Reality TV #1: Click here
Reality TV #2: Click here
Reality TV #3: Click here
Reality TV #4 Click here
Reality TV #5 Click here
                           -------------------------

      From Hollywood Len, we received this one:

Say after me: "I will never complain about my kids again" - Click here
                           -------------------------

      And our Illinois correspondent, Nestor (ANL) forwarded this one over
      (see - even in the US, times are getting tough ...)

Military Cut Backs: Click here
                           -------------------------

      And lastly of awly, Digi Maria the Harding shot this slide-show over:

Greg Norman's little dinghy: Click here
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        Back to a bit more ASCII to finish off now, leading off with
        a couple more from John over at CUB.  First one's an update on
        on an old theme ...
                           -------------------------

                             MAKING YOU FEEL OLD

   The majority of students in universities today were born in 1985.
   They are called "youth", and ...

They have never heard of "We are the World, We are the children", and the
"Uptown Girl" they know is by Westlife, not Billy Joel.

They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena or Belinda Carlisle.

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.

AIDS has existed since they were born.

CD's have existed since they were born.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine
how this fat guy could be a god of dance.

They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are just new films
out last year.

They think that N-Trance "set you free" is an Old School song.

They can never imagine life before computers. They've never heard of Pac-Man
or Space Invaders or BBC computers that have Bat n Ball games.

They'll never have thought Jazz was the sexiest aftershave ever.

They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, Red Hand Gang or the Famous
Five.  They'll never have applied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't You.

They can't believe a black and white television ever existed and don't even
know how to switch on a TV without a remote control.

And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile
phone.

Now let's check if you're getting old ...

1. You understand what was written above and you smile.

2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.

3. Your friends are married.

4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with
   computers.

5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.

6. You've developed more and more feelings about your work. It's now your life.

7. You spend less and less time talking on phone with your friends daily.

8. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good old days,
   repeating again and again all funny stories you have experienced together.

9. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other
   friends because you think they will like it too ...

Yes, you're getting old!

                        -----=====#====#====#=====-----


                       LIVING TOGETHER ... BEFORE and AFTER

Before: He takes you out to have a good time.
After: He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

Before: He holds your hand in public
After: He flicks your ear in public

Before: A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad
After: A King size bed feels like an army cot

Before: You are turned on at the sight of him naked
After: You think to yourself...."Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

Before: You enjoyed foreplay
After: You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

Before: He hugs you, when he walks by you ...for no reason
After: He grabs your boob any chance he gets

Before: You picture the two of you together, growing old
After: You wonder who will die first

Before: Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy"
After: When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

Before: He knows what the "hamper" is
After: The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area

Before: He understands if you "aren't in the mood"
After: He says "It's your job."

Before: He understands that you have "male" friends
After: He thinks they are all out to steal you away

Before: He likes to "discuss" things
After: He develops a "blank" stare

Before: He calls you by name
After: He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                         And another from Hollywood Len ...
                           -------------------------

An Irish man named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor after a lengthy examination sighed and looked O'Malley in the
eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be
cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being a solid character and good
man , he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into
the waiting room, where his son had been waiting.

"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when
things don't go well.  In this case, things aren't so well.  I have cancer.
Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After 3 or 4 pints, or more, the two were feeling a little less somber.
There were some laughs and some more beers.  They were eventually approached
by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two
were celebrating.  O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the bad as
well as the good. He went on to tell his friends that they were drinking to
his impending end.

He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."  The friends gave
O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.

After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his
confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and
you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "Son, I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother
after I'm gone."
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        John from Lucas Heights (also known as Worried of Bexley) sent over
        this interesting exchange from a recent Oz Senate committee ...
                           -------------------------

            THE CULTURAL SIDE OF THE SENATE ESTIMATES COMMITTEE

   Wednesday, 18 February 2004 Senate-Legislation EWRE 93

Dr Garrett - That is correct. In terms of official duties, are we wearing
our CSIRO hat in going, for example, to the National Gallery of Australia? I
think it is a moot point. Certainly the networks that I established through
that process, as a new Australian person, were very valuable. I think it
could have been seen as official duty, but it was obviously, in the terms
of the overall approach, non-official. It was not on my key result areas
for any of my other colleagues to attend these functions and, therefore,
it is not official duty.

Senator CARR - I am not the slightest bit excited about you going to the
ballet. I really do not give a rat's about you going to the ballet, or
your officers going to the tennis or the rugby or a whole range of other
activity - the cricket.

  [ Senator Carr mercifully does not mention footy, fine arts, opera or other
    healthy activities - John ]
                           -------------------------


[ If you can find the time, these Hansard committee proceedings make quite
interesting reading.  For the full version of the above - Click here - and

this one from June 2003 is interesting too - Click here - Tony, Bluehaze ]

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        Finally for this week, a little bit of philosophy from unix:
                           -------------------------

  "I believe I found the missing link between animal and civilized man."

  "It is us."

          -- Konrad Lorenz
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[ End friday humour ]


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