Friday humour - March 05, 2004


     From Davo at bluehaze:


    Greetings and how's ya father!

  Recently we've been plagued with bogus e-mails purporting to be from places
  such as local Banks and organisations such as PayPal, instructing the more
  gullible amongst us to verify their account and password details.  The
  latest scam purports to be from eBay.  Tony just received one of the latter
  ones, and being suspicious, did a Google search on a few words from the
  text of the email.  This turned up a number of links, such as this one that
  explains how it all works - Click here

  Banks and similar organisations will never ask for details this way.  Just
  remember when you receive an e-mail that looks like a duck and quacks like a
  duck, it's probably just about as reliable as anything that comes out of
  Little Honest Johnny's mouth.  Believe it at your own peril!
[ Bluehaze Ed note: Whenever you do use your web browser (Netscape, Internet Explorer, Mozilla, Opera, or whatever) to visit some site where you're being asked to type in any confidential information, such as your credit card number, always check:

(a) That the page you're viewing is a full browser window which is displaying the server page name, the back and foward buttons, and so on. A common subterfuge is now to pop up a new, unadorned window which is missing the normal browser top decoration - specifically to conceal the server location,

(b) that the link is running in "secure" mode, ie: the server page name as shown at the top starts with https, not http or anything else, and

(c) that the server page name is in fact a name, and not a number - Click here for an example.

Notice how the location name at the top of this example begins with "https" (= a secure channel), and (most importantly) that what follows this is a name, and not a number.

If you find you have a new window with no visible details at the top, or you see a number in the location field, or an address that starts with http instead of https, then be suspicious! Even the biggest Bank in Oz pops up featurless windows that conceal the server name when they're asking customers for confidential information. So there's no way you'd catch me banking online with them. (Mind you, most of them also use Micro$oft web servers, which is another reason I wouldn't trust their systems for secure transactions)

Okay - back to Davo and this week's real laughs ]

  This week's interesting web site was sent in by Alan Smith - UK Smithie -
  and is more than relevant to us hard working Mineralites.  With apologies
  to Gilbert and Sullivan ... Click here

  Having said that let me say this (as Malcolm Frazer would have said) here
  is this weeks agglomeration ...

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 First up - from Len in Nth Hollywood, CA ...

                          THE FUN IN BEING OLD

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman ...

"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter
asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

                                -----------

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

                                -----------

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly
widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

                                -----------

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new
knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if
I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.  But thank God, I still have my
Florida driver's license.

                                -----------

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my
sex drive lowered."

"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is
all in your head?"

"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it
lowered!"

                                -----------

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, The good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

                                -----------

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her
final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First,
she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over
Bloomingdales.

"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice."

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 From Bonnie Kiz at Edinburgh Uni

                           DUBYA DOES BILLIE

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war.

After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.

"Billy."

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support
of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And
third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that
they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right - question
time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him
what his name is.

"Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support
of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third,
whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20
minutes early? And fifth, what the f--- happened to Billy?"

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   Now the graphics from Ian Stuart, UK Smithie, Allnutts, Sister Carol,
   Uni Lee, and ... you know who you are.  More please!

Designer condoms Click here

Kiwi Call Girl Click here

Evolution Click here

Warm and relaxed Click here

Inland revenue Click here

Fishy Click here

Hey Babe Click here

Comprehensive education Click here

Spooky Click here

Only in ... Click here

And the latest in Telstra Customer Service for Australians (thanks Wiggy): Click here

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 And from Allnutts

                     THE MANDATORY BLONDE JOKE

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the
contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year
and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy, oh boy, did we go round. Just because I am female doesn't mean that
I'm automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him, just what his fast
talking sales guy had told me last year. . . "that in one year the windows
would pay for themselves".

There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I
haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument.

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 From Anonymous of Queensland

                           LET'S MAKE A DEAL

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open
his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The Crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up and got on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his
privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the
crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the
alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the
man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man
stood up again and made another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over
the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman
timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but don't hit me so hard on the head with the beer bottle."

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     Quote of the Week:

 "Anyone with a modicum of intelligence knows now that the governments of
  Australia, the United States and Britain got it wrong.

  If only they would accept responsibility for misleading their countries
  over Iraq they could get on with the clean-up."

                                - Herald Sun, Melbourne, 3 March 2004

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[ End Fri humour ]

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