Friday humour - February 27, 2004

     From Davo at bluehaze:

G'day and Yo!

As Summer draws to a close we are finally getting some nice fine weather in Melbourne.

Thanks to Tony for compiling the last few issues.  I was a bit alarmed
reading the Great Man's editorial about PayPal last week.  I'd only given
them my credit card number six days earlier - but fortunately my credit union
account hasn't been cleaned out yet.  I have to say it does seem convenient
and is much cheaper than paying for overseas stuff by Western Union money
order from the post office.

Keep sending in interesting web sites (and webcams).  These two fascinating
sites were sent in by Alan Smith in the UK: Click here Click here

And if you're in the mood for a bad headache check this one out from Ian
Stuart and friends at Edinburgh Uni: Click here

BTW - The AFL footy season commences in four weeks time.  We're running our
tipping competition again on The Age's Footytips site - Click here - and if anyone

overseas would like to challenge us Aussie Rules experts, send me an e-mail and
I'll direct you to our competition.  The cost for the season is A$30.


 First up from UK Smithie

                     HELP DESK FOR BEER DRINKERS

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.  FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.  FAULT: Improper bladder control.  ACTION:
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.  FAULT: Glass empty.  ACTION:
Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.  FAULT: You have
fallen over backward.  ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.  FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.  FAULT: Mouth not open,
or glass applied to wrong part of face.  ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice
in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.  FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.  FAULT: You are being carried out.  ACTION: Find out
if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.  FAULT: Bar has closed.  ACTION: Confirm
home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.  FAULT:
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.  ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.  FAULT: You are dancing on
the table.  ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.  FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to
sober you up.  ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.  FAULT: You have been
in a fight.  ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.  FAULT:
You've wandered into the wrong party.  ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.  FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.  FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.


 A couple from Sister Carol

                            BLONDE GENIES

A white man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially
buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde
genies appear and they tell him that he will be granted three wishes. He
makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing he
knows, he is in a bedroom surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

He makes love to them all and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels
something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100
bills. Then there is a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there
are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits, they drag him outside to
the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb, and hang him by the neck until
he is dead.

The Klansman walk off. As they're walking away, they remove their hoods. It's
the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other, " Hey, I can
understand the first wish having all those beautiful women in a big mansion
to make love to.

I can also understand him wanting to be a multi-millionaire, but why he
wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"


                           FEMALES VS MALES:


If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each
other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom
go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla,
Peanut-Head and Scrappy.


When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20,
even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller
and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their
bill, out come the pocket calculators.


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item
that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,
a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items
in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify
most of these items.


A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that
is the beginning of a new argument.


Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
men kick cats.


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never
worries about the future until he gets a wife.


A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man.


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries
a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.


A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for
weddings and funerals.


Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate
during the night.


Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes
and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.


A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


 And from Allnutts over at Highett

                                 BAR BET

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees
it's filled to the brim with $10 bills ... the man guesses there must be
thousands of dollars in it!

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well... you pay ten dollars... and IF you pass three tests, you get all the

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up! "What are the three tests?"

"Pay FIRST..." says the bartender... "Those are the rules." So the man gives
him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar...

"Okay," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do... FIRST: You have
to drink that ENTIRE GALLON of pepper tequila... the WHOLE thing, all at
ONCE... and you CAN'T make a face while doing it...

SECOND: There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth.. You have
to REMOVE the tooth with your BARE HANDS... THIRD: There's a 90 year-old
woman upstairs who has NEVER! reached orgasm during intercourse... You've
gotta MAKE THINGS RIGHT for her."

The man is stunned... "I KNOW I paid my 10 bucks... but I'm not an IDIOT! I
WON'T DO IT!!! You have to be NUTS to drink a gallon of pepper tequila,
and then do those OTHER THINGS!!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your MONEY stays where it is..."

The man has a few drinks... then a few more...

Finally... he asks, "WHERRRRE'S ZAAAAT TEQUIIIIIILA?!?!?!" He grabs the
gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp... Tears are streaming
down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face...

Next... he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up... The people
inside the bar hear a HUGE, NOISY SCUFFLE going on outside..... They hear the
pit bull barking... the guy screaming... the pit bull yelping ... and then
SILENCE ... Just when they think the man SURELY must be dead, he staggers
back into the bar with his shin ripped... and large, bloody scratches all
over his body...



 From the D-files in the West

               YOU KNOW ITS HOT IN THE WEST WHEN ...

The best parking space is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water comes out of both taps.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 35c and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in February it only takes two fingers to steer your car.

You get sunburnt through your car window.

You develop a fear of metal car door handles.

You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30am.

Your biggest bicycle fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying
on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to prevent them from laying
hard-boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

While walking back barefoot to your car from the beach, you do a tightrope
act on the white lines in the car park.

You catch a cold from having the aircon full blast while you sleep during
the night.

You learn that David Jones isn't a department store, its a temple to worship


This weeks pics are from UK Smithie, Lee, UK Joe, Sister Carol, Rosalie,
Allnutts, Maria H, Kumpo Steve, Digi Steve, and John Sanderson (not SoT).

Piggyback Click here

Unfortunate indeed Click here

Naughty Travis Click here

Attack of the Lollipops Click here

The Mikado Click here

Hygienic rest Click here

New taste delight Click here

Captain Cuba Click here

Fifa and Fergus Click here

Massive lift Click here

Shockwaves  Click here

Helpful assistance Click here

Good for you Click here


 Here's one from John over at Fosters Brewing ...

                            UPPER MANAGEMENT

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo
manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says,
"Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee,
and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure,
throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, and then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has the shotgun in one hand and a
bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says,
"Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the
last time you were here. What the heck was that all about anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management
position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, leave a mess for others to
clean up, and disappear for the rest of day."


 Finally, from Hwood Len


   CHAPTER 1: The Perks of Being Over 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with the elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
    them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

   CHAPTER 2: Games for When We Are Older

1. Sag -- you're it.

2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.

3. Twenty questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.

6. Doc Doc Goose.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and go pee.

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.

10. Musical recliners.

    CHAPTER 3: Signs of Menopause

1. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to
heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused,
you shoot him.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you
four hours of decent rest.

4. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

5. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field
trip to Chippendale's.

    CHAPTER 4: Signs of Wear

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN . Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and
you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens
the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by
the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN .. "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any
fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

And "OLD" IS WHEN .. You are not sure these are jokes ...


  Quote of the week:

  "A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance
   to get its pants on."

                                 - Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)


[ End Fri humour ]

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