Friday humour - February 20, 2004


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         Yo,
     And yow - I'm stuck doing FH yet again ('cos Davo's crook at the moment).
     But you guys have sent in stacks of good stuff, so that's good anyway.

                                A BIT OF HOUSEKEEPING

     Just in case any of you have accounts with PayPal, there do seem to be a
     few sus' emails arriving lately that purport to come from PayPal.  My
     suggestion at this stage is to ignore them, but keep a close eye on your
     credit-card reports!  I just tried following the instructions on one
     of these alleged PayPal emails, asking me to click on a link and go to
     PayPal to update my details.  The first screen was innocuous enough,
     I didn't have to provide any info.  But the second screen had about 20
     fields to fill out - one of which was (guess) ...  my credit card number!

     Needless to say, I didn't fill anything out.  Because for one thing, the
     web address shown at the top of Netscape was only shown as "http" and not
     "https" - so the connection wasn't secure.  And for another thing, the
     address wasn't showing up "paypal.com" - it was just an IP number.

     Russell mentioned another interesting trick last Tuesday.  It's a piece of
     spyware that records your keystrokes and sends them off to the author
     when the program detects that you've arrived at any site that looks
     like (eg) a bank.  Now spyware isn't really a virus - it's hidden in some
     of the programs that many of us commonly use - such as Kazaa, the "Hotbar"
     for Internet Explorer, and so on.  And your virus checker won't remove
     these.  The only simple way to get rid of them is to run a program such as
     "spybot" - Click here (which Russell reckons is the best, even though it's

     not the most intuitive one to use ... Ad-Aware probably still being the
     easiest).  But well worth loading down and running - often.  (And then
     send Patrick a few dollars if you can - after all, it's shareware.)
                           -------------------------

     Okay, enough of that.  Over to the humour now - and first up, it's to the
     UK and Mad Mick Rand:

         MORE USELESS THINGS TO ADD TO YOUR COLLECTION OF KNOWLEDGE

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. Just like some people I know!

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.  (Ferrets?)

There are more chickens in the world than people.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would
never end because of the rate of reproduction.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is
an American flag.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

All 50 US states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the
back of the $5 bill.

An American dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop
growing.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Babies are born without knee-caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2
to 6 years of age.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it
will digest itself.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average
of 6 months waiting at red lights.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it
burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a
chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop"
with your right.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read
left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order:
"abstemious" and "facetious."

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.

Now you know everything!
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        Next it's over to the old West of Oz and this variation of an oldie:
                           -------------------------

                              WHAT'SA GOING ON?

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or
so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well.
Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
arrange a divorce for him - "very quick".  The lawyer said that the speed
for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the
following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?

POLE: Ja, Ja - an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.

LAWYER "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It'sa made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.

LAWYER: "Do either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really
needed one."

LAWYER: "I mean - what are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set &DVD player with 6.1 sound.  We
don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

LAWYER: "No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I'm always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"

POLE: "No, she white."

LAWYER: "Why do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I gotta proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on
shelf in bathroom.  I can read -- it say 'Polish Remover'."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And from the brewery (well, Melbourne's brewery), we received these:
                           -------------------------

                                 CHURCH GOLF

Shortly after the Pope had apologised to the Jewish People for the treatment of
Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister
of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game
of golf.  The idea was for it to be played between the two leaders or their
representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared
by the Catholics and the Jews.

The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge
you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am
afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world."

The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in his
life asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"

"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there
is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We
can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your
personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation,
we will also win the match."

Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course,
Nicklaus was honoured and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope
of the result.

"I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played
some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have
ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were
long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was
perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes".


                        -----=====#====#====#=====-----


Q:   What does Michael Jackson think is the best thing about sex with
     twenty-eight year olds?

A:   There's twenty of them
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                                     PICS

      Now for a few pics, courtesy of those nameless contributors who'll
      we'll now name.  Firstly, it's a few from Biggus:

Goals: Click here
Fat Bastard: Click here
How about a nice cup of ... Click here
Sometimes ... Click here
Fantasize! Click here
Beer is good! Click here
God kills ... Click here
                           -------------------------

      And from Olivine the Mads, just down the road from here, here are
      some preview shots from LOTR #3 (Return of the King):

 Click here Click here Click here Click here
   and
Why it's so important to smile in photos: Click here
                           -------------------------

      From Ron, this something to test your concentration:

Test yourself: Click here
                           -------------------------

      And here's a collection of recommended office signs from Hollywood Len:

Don't step: Click here
New Incentive Plan: Click here
Attitude: Click here
Test job only: Click here
Doing a good job: Click here
Meetings: Click here
Bulletin: Click here
Win the lottery: Click here
Janet at the Super Bowl, close up and ... Click here
                           -------------------------

          And then there were these two classics from John Sanderson ...

Rescue: Click here
English in Japan: Click here
                           -------------------------

          From Maria the Harding, a few more sport "oops" shots - and I
          won't even attempt to label these ...

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here
                           -------------------------

                              CUPLA AUDIO BYTES

          Only a couple of short audio bytes this week.  We've run out of
          BBC stuff for now (Peter?), and Dad and Dave have had a good run,
          so we'll just give you a couple more samples from the King of Quiz
          of Oz radio from the 1950s, Jack Davey.  (As usual, these were sent
          over by Geoff down in Tassie.)  The first cut is short but unusual.
          Someone must have been doing a test recording, and it's the audience
          warm-up from an Ampol show they were about to record over in
          Adelaide.  Jack's "competition" on the other major Oz radio network
          in these days was Bob Dyer ("Pick a box" and "Cop the Lot"), and Jack
          didn't miss a chance for a cross-stir during his warmup sessions ...

   Jack Davey Ampol show - warm-up session:
Choose from either streaming RealBadAudio: Click here
or the bigger (1Mb) and better sounding MP3: Click here

          And here's a segment from an actual Ampol show itself.  These were
          aired every Friday night at 8 o'clock via the Macquarie Network
          (comprising about 70 stations around Australia).  In this show, one
          contestant (Edith Isbester) wouldn't stop talking, and as you'll
          hear, Jack didn't have the heart to stop her ...

   Jack Davey Ampol show - excerpt:
Choose from either streaming RealBadAudio: Click here
or the bigger (5Mb) and better sounding MP3: Click here

          (BTW, there's more of this sort of material (classic Oz and BBC radio
          shows) on Bluehaze - Click here for the main collection.

  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          Back to the written word now, and it's another contribution from
          Hollywood Len, our Struggling Actor Wannabe ...
                           -------------------------

                                  BANK ROBBERY

Two blondes, Trisha and Robin decided to rob a bank together.  The first
blonde, Trisha plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second
blonde, Robin, in great detail.

The robbery begins. Trisha drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and
says to Robin, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan.

You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes
with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," said Robin.

Robin goes in the bank while Trisha waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes . . .

Two minutes pass . . .

Seven minutes pass . . . and Trisha is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Robin. She's got a safe
wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time she gets the
safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the
security guard coming out. The guard's pants and underwear are down around his
ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Trisha
says "You are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"

Robin said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said Trish. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD
and blow the SAFE!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                   And a super-short one from John Sanderson:
                           -------------------------

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says "dam"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        From the ailing Battery Empire - another research area that CSIRO
        are currently trying to kill off (after all, "who needs batteries?"),
        and this one from Russell N:
                           -------------------------

                                SHEILA'S STUCK

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the
bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped,
did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her
husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I ve
bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Strewth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl.  I'll
go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate). They came back and they both
tried to pull her up.

"No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B." Cobba said

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under
her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba

"Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with
her tits."

"Play with her tits"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide
her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                And from Maria the Softing, we received this one ...
                           -------------------------

             FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN
                 by Dave Barry

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not
achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings,"

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you
to share yours with them.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why
we observe daylight savings time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you
think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at
that moment.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big
deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we
ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
(This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

Your friends love you anyway.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the
Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Finally for this week, another one from CUB and John the K ...
                           -------------------------

                             MORE CHILDHOOD MEMORIES

My Mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board
with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mum used to defrost hamburger on the counter and I used to eat it raw
sometimes too, but I can't remember getting E-coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a
pristine pool (talk about boring).

The term cell phone would have conjured up the image of a phone in a jail
cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high
top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes
with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any
injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we
are now. Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE
must be much harder than gym.

Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson by running in the
halls with leather soles on linoleum tile and hitting the wet spot. How much
better off would we be today if we only knew we could have sued the school
system. Speaking of school, we all said prayers and the pledge and staying
in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention. We must
have had horribly damaged psyches. I can't understand it. Schools didn't
offer 14 year olds an abortion or condoms (we wouldn't have known what
either was anyway) but they did give us couple of baby aspirin and cough
syrup if we started getting the sniffles. What an archaic health system we
had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to
be proud of myself. I just can't recall how bored we were without computers,
PlayStation, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital cable stations.

I must be repressing that memory as I try to rationalise through the denial
of the dangers that could have befallen us as we trekked off each day about
a mile down the road to some guy's vacant 20, built forts out of branches
and pieces of plywood, made trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone
Ranger. What was that property owner thinking, letting us play on that lot? He
should have been locked up for not putting up a fence around the property,
complete with a self-closing gate and an infrared intruder alarm.

Oh yeah ... and where was the Benadryl and sterilisation kit when I got that
bee sting? I could have been killed! We played king of the hill on piles of
gravel left on vacant construction sites and when we got hurt, Mum pulled out
the 48 cent bottle of Mercurochrome and then we got our butt spanked. Now,
it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle
of antibiotics and then Mum calls the attorney to sue the contractor for
leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbour's house either because if we did, we got
our butt spanked (physical abuse) here too, and then we got butt spanked
again when we got home.

Mum invited the door to door salesman inside for coffee, kids choked down
the dust from the gravel driveway while playing with Tonka trucks (Remember
why Tonka trucks were made tough... it wasn't so that they could take the
rough Berber in the family room), and Dad drove a car with leaded gas.

Our music had to be left inside when we went out to play and I am sure that
I nearly exhausted my imagination a couple of times when we went on two week
vacations. I should probably sue the folks now for the danger they put us
in when we all slept in campgrounds in the family tent.

Summers were spent behind the push lawnmower and I didn't even know that
mowers came with motors until I was 13 and we got one without an automatic
blade-stop or an auto-drive. How sick were my parents?

Of course my parents weren't the only psychos. I recall Donny Reynolds
from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop just
before he fell off. Little did his Mum know that she could have owned our
house. Instead she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was
a neighbourhood run amuck. To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever
been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly
have known that? We needed to get into group therapy and anger management
classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't
even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we survive?
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[End Friday humour]

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