Friday humour - February 13, 2004

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

     Me again this week (Davo's battling a ratbag neighbour in at VCAT today).
     Once again though, you guys have collectively made it easy with plenty
     of good stuff that you've passed on.  First though, an editorial comment
     re multimedia and the FTA, DRMA, IP and the RIAA - and if you wanna
     skip this, just scroll down 5 or 6 paragraphs:

     There seems to be some degree of unease around the traps in Oz re the
     proposed FTA (Free Trade Agreement) with the USofA this week, mostly re
     the IP (Intellectual Property) and DRMA (Digital Millennium Copyright
     Act) implications.  Even such things as the 50 years copyright waiver
     having now been extended (in the US) to 120 years in some cases -
     meaning that very little older art and media is now coming into the
     public domain - a real concern.

     And the RIAA has just pounced yet again, this time on Sharman, Monash
     University, Telstra and others in Oz - (eg) Click here Click here Click here

     The RIAA needs to come into the real world.  Most people are using Kazaa
     because it gives them *choice*, not because they can't afford the CDs. So
     why can't we now walk into a record shop and sit in a little booth
     and spend some time *listening* through the catalogues of all known music
     labels?  And then pick the stuff we want and have the CDs burned and
     labelled while we wait?  Answer - the RIAA (and by inference, the major
     labels) can't be bothered.  Much better to prosecute and sue everyone
     in all directions than to face up to the brave new packet-ised world.

     Getting back to this proposed FTA - if it goes ahead, we (in Oz) can
     presumably then expect to be chucked into jail and/or rendered bankrupt if
     we make a copy of something using software that circumvents any registered
     US copy protection system.  (Assuming one is sprung, of course.)  So even
     though it's still early days and we don't have much real detail yet, it
     does make one wonder where we're heading.

     As always, I guess, it'll keep the legal profession busy for many years
     to come.  Perhaps the FTA may still fall through ... one can only hope
     that our leaders have their limited wits about them.

     Onto the joke contributions for the week, and first up it's another one
     from Jodi up in the northern land of sunshine and barrier reefs.
     Jodi writes "I came across this in the New Scientist weekly electronic
     newsletter and it made me smile ...":

                           LABORATORY WHITEBOARDS
  The laboratory whiteboard, is a place where months of distilled wisdom, irony
  and cynicism get recorded. Snatches of poetry, or something close to it,
  plaintive cries for help and understanding, ribald comments about the habits
  of colleagues, sinister threats against miscreants - all have their place
  on the whiteboard.

  It seems a shame that, at the end of the semester - or the end of the week
  in more draconian organisations - someone comes along and cleans it all off.

  Here are some of Gilbey's own favourite comments from whiteboards he has
  known in labs around the UK and the rest of Europe:

The fridge in the lab is full of really nasty things. The fridge in the tea
room is full of really nice things. Please maintain the distinction.

Lost: the will to live. If found, please return to the postgrad room.

I hereby withdraw my declaration that Trevor smells like a mongoose - the
mongoose has threatened to sue.

Specific ion electrodes are very fragile - and expensive. You will find out
just how expensive if you break any more.

The tea bags in the jam jar are mine alone. I have coated them with a potent
neurotoxin to which only I have immunity. Thieves will inevitably die a
painful, lingering death and I'll then dance merrily on their graves. This
concludes my COSHH [Control of Substances Hazardous to Health] statement.

Remember - add acid to water, not water to acid. If you get it wrong, the
emergency services are on extension 2222.

The departmental van is not available at the moment. It can be found on its
roof just to the left of the A9. Mike did it - but don't tell anyone.

The bins in the lab are for paper - not barium salts, manure or body
parts. Please remember, 'cos Beryl the cleaner isn't into slasher movies - yet.

   And our own personal favourite ...

draobetihw siht edisni kcuts m'I - PLEH

         And from Digitronics Steve the Harding, we just received:

                            FIVE IMPORTANT RULES

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to
   time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

                     And a two-liner from Fifi ...

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

A: Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

            Over to the UK next, and this one from Rumbers ...

                IF IT WASN'T FOR BAD LUCK ... (PARTS 4-6)

4) Went to the ambassador's party.
   Lost two fingers.
   Attacked by a Feral Rocher.

5) Found out the last word in sophistication.
   Just in case anyone ever asks.
   It's "on".
   Spent a lot of time checking the dictionary, starting at "ophistication".

6) Got all excited when the boss got me a "safe lifting" guide.
   Found out too late he'd forgotten to get the companion volume - "safe
   So now I'm stuck holding 5 gallons of spring water.
   Still ...

And This Weeks' Contender for "Worst Haiku of All Tiime"

   A shower of things I must do
   My day is too short!
   And so is this

       To a new contributor next (Len), who wrote " Hi people Down Under -
       Spent several months in Sydney and wished I could live there forever.
         Len from N. Hollywood, CA"
       Len also posted over some pics (which we'll get to in a tick), but
       firstly here's a couple of his ASCII-type contributions ...

                          THE COWBOY AND A RATTLESNAKE

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails
looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around
the narrow trail it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring
sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot, I'm an enchanted
rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes
you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the
snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like
Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally,
I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll
have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way
to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the
mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He
ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just
like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and
shouted "Oh My God ... I was riding the MARE!


  I have personally coined a new term for chicks ANYWHERE who come off as
  "snooty" and the "Sniff This Dawg, and get 'outa my time zone" types.
  I call them FIREWOOD!!!!!

1) Dumb as a log

2) Will keep you warm, but burn you if you get too close

3) Pretty to look at whenever they're HOT

4) And, whenever they've served your purpose, they're GONE! Put another in
   it's place!

       Okay - to da pics now, and first up, these ones from our Nth Hollywood
       correspondent (Len):

  Do yourself a favor and take this simple vision test. It's an early test
  for cataracts. It is simple to do and it's fun. Remember, cataracts know no
  age boundary; young and old can have this "preventable" eye disease. When
  you've finished, send this on to those you care about!

Click here to take eye test Click here

  This other one is a frame from the now infamous Super Bowl concert over in
  the US (now we know why it's called the boob-tube) ...

Janet: Click here

  On that subject, James Powell came across this one as well ...

Super ... Click here

  And Maria found this one ...

Reviving my career: Click here

   Mandy M came across this rather interesting Chem exam paper ...

Chem paper: Click here

   Darnell Brown passed these on - entitled "If men raised children ..."

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

   And Rosalie passed on this collection, described as "some camera fun as
   perpetrated by a bored group of Korean workers" ...

 Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

   This one's in "Powerpoint" format, so you'll need M$ Powerpoint or
   OpenOffice to view it:
Mother-in-law: Click here

    Digi Steve forwarded these over.  First one's a movie in Micro$oft's
    proprietary "WMV" format, so apologies to non-PC users:

News clip: Click here
Gimme beer: Click here
Class reunion: Click here

    And from Mads Oli over the road, another update from the Mars rover:

Mars pic: Click here

    John Sandersoni reckoned these might amuse you (and so do I) - both
    are WMV format, so you'll need a M$ PC to watch 'em:

Dumb and dumber: Click here
Hit da melon: Click here

    These appeared outa nowhere from Yvonne (and I'm not sure where she's
    from) but they're not bad ... the "Last Photo I Ever Took" collection:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

    And from Biggus (ala Fifi), this massive collection just turned up:

Solace: Click here
Pow! Click here
What the ... Click here
Risk: Click here
Nicko's everywhere! Click here
Black out: Click here
Nookie: Click here
Judgement: Click here
Get real! Click here
Be individual Click here
Another 'itis: Click here
And down with ... Click here
Ulp ... Click here
I'm okay Click here
Like a .. Click here

    Captain Ron passed this on (this may be a repeat (?), but it's good) -
    and it's also in a nice "open standards" format (MPEG):

Bad day: Click here

                              OZ RADIO SOUND BYTES

    And finally, some more ancient sound bytes from the days of the wireless
    here in Oz - once again passed on by Geoff down in Clarmont in Tasmania.
    First up, it's another segment from the King of quiz radio in Australia
    in the 1950s - Jack Davey.  And I didn't realise this, but Barry Jones had
    more than one appearance on Jack's quiz shows.  This sounds like it may
    have been the first one though (as broadcast from Melbourne's Brunswick
    Town Hall):

Choose from either streaming RealBadAudio: Click here
or the bigger (6.5Mb) and better sounding MP3: Click here

    Back in the 1940s, another Oz radio and stage icon was Roy Rene (Mo) -
    here's a short excerpt from his well known McCackie Mansion:

Choose from either streaming RealBadAudio: Click here
or the bigger (3Mb) and better sounding MP3: Click here

    Finally for this week's wireless bytes, let's have our last episode of
    Dad and Dave.  It's still the Christmas dinner of 1942 ... but what on
    earth is the matter with Uncle Clarence?

Choose from either streaming RealBadAudio: Click here
or the bigger (6Mb) and better sounding MP3: Click here

      Okay, enough multimedia - back to the printed word now, and another
      contribution from Yvonne Addington - and it's ...

                    THE FBI TOP 12 DEATHS OF THE YEAR

   Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 serious crimes,
   including suspicious deaths and homicides.  And every year the Homicide
   Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year:

1- Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch long
vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange sex practices
and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20
inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal
organs and caused severe bleeding.

2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the
road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her
daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the
truck delivering her birthday cake.

3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who
he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that
if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat
poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim
took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended
sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she
tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.

4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he
attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a
double-barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to
her an hour before the date started, just in case.

5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to
pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to
death with a toilet seat after he realised just how long it had been since
Mr Halos paid his rent.

6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 State troopers after she wandered
onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking
slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled
Boo! The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between
them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real
looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.

7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because
she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with
a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken arial.

8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was
killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period
of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite
that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although
she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness,
extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended
a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.

9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading
her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she
was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as
powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons
some up to 14 kilometers away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever
found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.

10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early
hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had mounted
F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine,
aimed at an empty block at the back of his property.  Patty Winter would
constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and
the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the
engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup
of coffee and a chat about the whole situation.  What Winter didn't know
was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the
yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5, 000 degrees, killing
her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.

11- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard
With A Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into
an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white
board that read Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK. On
the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him
off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

12- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after
a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents'
passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After
the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and
turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left
out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry for the spree,
have puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house,
and himself in the process.

       And to round out the week, let's go back to the UK and a contribution
       from Alan Smith, Esq - and it's all about ...

                              THE TARTAN MENACE

Hello ...
 [Content removed on request of copyright holder Paul Farnsworth on 20140601] 
                                                           ... banjos.
[ End Friday humour ]

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