Friday humour - February 06, 2004

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

     And our thanks to Davo for hanging in there for the last 3 weeks and
     keeping the humour rolling.  It looks like I'm not the only one back
     at work this week, because I notice the jokes and pics and sound bites
     have started rolling in again, which is great.

     I guess most of you already realise that we're in the middle of yet
     another email spam flood.  Most of us have received emails from
     various organisations telling us that the virus we just sent them has been
     rejected and/or removed, and other times we just receive the emails with
     the virus attachment directly.  If you believe your home PC may have been
     infected because your virus-scanner is not completely up to date (for
     whatever reason), Symantec have a free removal tool - Click here

     Hey - we started brewing some beer during the hols!  Got the idea from
     James Powell.  He showed me the web site for the Grain and Grape -
     Click here - so that's bubbling away in the cupboard here at home now.

     The only problem though is that we'll need lots of large beer bottles
     soon, so we're having to drink stacks of beer and stout as quick as we
     can to get lotsa empties.  So if thersh errors in thees weechs posting,
     yous'll no why.

     To the textual humour - and much of it comes from back in 2002 this week,
     merely because I started at the bottom of the in-tray.  First up, it's
     over to CUB (and there's lotsa stuff from John this week):

                                    ALLOW ME

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here,
and my secretary has gone for the night.  Can you make this thing work for me?"

"Certainly," said the young executive.  He turned the machine on, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the
machine. "I just need one copy..."


                              IN A RECENT SURVEY

10% of women have sex within the first hour of their first date
20% of men have had sex in a non-traditional place
36% of women favour nudity
45% of women prefer dark men with blue eyes
70% of women prefer sex in the morning
80% of men have never experienced homosexual relations
90% of women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of women have never experienced sex in the office.

Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having sex in the
morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the
office at the end of the day.

Moral: Do not stay late in the office.  Nothing good will ever come of it.

       And from Trevor over in South Africa (still battling on at RAU) ...

                                    COWBOY WISDOM

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is to stop digging.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try ordering
somebody else's dog around.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to
make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter, don't be surprised if it
learns its lesson.

There are two theories about arguing with a woman.  Neither one works.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it in.

    Wayne in Finance sent this, saying  - "Heard this one on the weekend"

A really conceited fellow is rooting a really conceited chick.

"Tight, arn't I?" she boasts.

"Nah," the fellow replies, "just full!".

              Then, there was this one from Maria the Harding ...

                          A CHEEKY LOOK AT CHRISTIANITY

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatics: Only one.  Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten.  One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the
spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None.  Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic and Orthodox: None.  Candles only.

Baptists: Ten.  One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve
the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Eight.  One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much
they liked the old one better.

Mormons: Five.  One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how
to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against
the need for a light bulb.  However, if in your own journey you have found
light bulbs work for you, that is fine.  You are invited to write a poem or
compose a modern dance about your own personal relationship with your light
bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service,
in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including
incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which
are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined.  Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely
out, you are loved-you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb.
Churchwide lighting service is planned for Sunday, August 19.  Bring a bulb
of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six.  One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church
lighting policy.

Lutherans: None.  Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

                   And another one from CUB - tres short ...

                                 LOST HER AGAIN

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,
"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.  Can you talk to me for a couple
of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

The man replies "Because every time I talk to a woman with t_ts like yours,
my wife appears out of nowhere"

      Onto the pics and sound-bites next ... but just before we do that,
      over to the UK and East Cheam (well, Marwick actually) and a couple
      from Mad Mick Rand (cuz of Dave), who pleads "Can we have our summer
      back please - you Ozzies have stolen it again!" ...

                                 FUNNY BUT TRUE

Primary maths pupil's answer to question, `take 9 from 246 as many times as
possible': `I did it fifty times and I always got 237.'

Twelve year old in French class being asked the difference between Madame
and Mademoiselle: `Monsieur'.

Eleven year old's environmental studies essay on the effect of oil pollution:
'When my mum opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all
the sardines were dead.'

Ten year old's response to question, 'When dead, what do you want to be
remembered for?': `Ever.'

Twelve year old's response to the question `Why does a surgeon wear a mask
when he performs an operation?'
`So if he makes a muck of it the patient won't know who did it.'

Ten year old's reply to `what famous London landmark has a figure with only
one eye?'
'Cleopatra's needle.'

Twelve year old's essay on 'what would you do to encourage motorists to show
more consideration for others?' 'Drive a police car.'

A five-year-old boy seeing a rainbow for the first time said to his mother,
What advert is that for?'

`I don't know what the speed of light is, but it always arrives far too early
in the morning.'

A group of tourists escorted around the British Houses of Parliament suddenly
found themselves in the presence of the then Lord Chancellor, Lord Hailsham,
resplendent in full wig and gown.  Spying behind the group the figure of Neil
Marten MP, the Lord Chancellor called out in greeting.`Neil' with dignified
vigour.  And all the tourists did.

In 1981, fifty San Francisco nudists arrived in Miami for a national convention
to find their airline had lost all their luggage - including their clothes.

The 1982 Association of British Travel Agents conference in Phoenix, Arizona,
had to change its venue at the last moment when it discovered that its
original hotel had been double booked.

The story is told, apocryphal no doubt, of the DJ working on a small and
remote radio station in Scotland midway through his programme late at night
on 1 October 1977.  News came to the station that Bing Crosby had died (the
station producer happened to be on the phone to the States and picked the
word up almost as it occurred).  The DJ thought he could possibly be the
first person in the UK to publicly announce the death, so he put on a long
track and rushed off to record library to get an old recording to play.

Upon returning, nervously excited by now, he flung the first record onto the
turntable without looking at it and broke in the record then playing with
a sombre voice: 'I am deeply sorry to have to inform you, listeners, that I
have just received news from America of a great tragedy.  The legendary Bing
Crosby is dead.  As a humble tribute, we would like to play one of his songs,'
and as he switched over to his Crosby 'selection', the melody was beamed out,
'Heaven . . .  I'm in Heaven...'


Kathy comes home early from work one day only to find her husband, Mark, in
bed with a woman.

Kathy says "That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back."

Mark says "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation."

Kathy shrugs and says "Fine, let's hear your story."

Mark says "I'm driving along the street when I see this young lady in torn
clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying.  I took pity on her and asked if she
would like to get cleaned up in my house.  She climbed into my truck and I
brought her home."

"She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore,
the blouse I bought you 2 years ago that you never wore, the $150 Nike
running shoes you bought but never used - I even gave her some of the roast
beef you had in the fridge, but didn't serve to me."

"I showed her to the door.  She thanked me profusely.  As she was about to
leave she turned around and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife
doesn't use anymore?'"

         And now to a stack of pics and movies and assorted noises.
         First up, from Fifi -

Fishing: Click here

         And from Alan over in the UK, this pic (and some audio, below):

Indian food: Click here

         I've lost track of who sent this little movie in (it's an AVI):

No seat belt: Click here

         Digitronics Steve the Harding passed these over:

The pre-wash: Click here
Hey, buddy ... Click here
And apparently these now represent a new, real problem: Click here

         Lee over at Melb Uni reckoned that you may find these amusing ...

Ferrari stop: Click here
Anchors aweigh: Click here
Trick rider: Click here
Trampoline: Click here

         Then there were these two from Darnell ...

Darnell's kitty needs a home: Click here
Winter again: Click here

         And from one of our contributors over in the Wild West of Oz who
         prefers to remain anon, we just received a big bunch of stuff.
         I think one or two are repeats for FH, but what the heck ...

Ooops - Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

     The same girl also sent these - and so too did Rosalie and Digi Steve:

Waaah - I lost my job today ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

        I've managed to lose track of who sent this trio over, but thanks!

Latest Ferrari convertible - Click here Click here Click here

        John Stevens passed this on (particularly significant at work, as
        he orders our corporate shirts and tops from time to time) -

Shirts: Click here

        And this one from Doug the knightly one ...

Makes the difference: Click here

        Rosalie L (via Kathryn) also just passed these on, describing them as
        'Some disturbing pics from the house of "The Simpsons" fanatics' ...

Like, wow - it's a real Simpsons house!
Maison: Click here
Cuisine: Click here
More cuisine: Click here
Escaier: Click here
Foyer: Click here
Sallemanger: Click here
Salon: Click here

       Alastair (my somewhat distant nephew in Scotland) passed this on,
       along with the comment "Try and beat 578m ... " -

Bat the penguin (from SCO): Click here

        And last of all in the pics department, from Jas we have a slightly
        naughty picture of a duck ...

X-Rated duck: Click here

                                SOME AUDIO BITES

        In the audio department this week, we begin with a couple of
        contributions from Alan in the UK ... one comedy clip, one song:

The bird - MP3 version Click here
or the RealBadAudio version Click here

That clever song - MP3 version Click here
or the RealBadAudio version Click here

       And some more clips from Geoff down in Clarmont in Tasmania, who seems
       to enjoy ancient Oz radio flashbacks as much as I do.  This first
       one is another once-famous MBS networked radio show from the 1950s
       called "The Quiz Kids", hosted by John Dease.  It featured bright kids
       (obviously), and my only disappointment with this clip is that it's
       just that - a short 6 minute excerpt:

The Quiz Kids - MP3 version Click here
or the RealBadAudio version Click here

       If you listened to this one, you may be interested to hear (or rather,
       read) an email - Click here - from the spelling champion himself (Edward

       Oliver) back in 1999.  And for some peculiar reason, Eddie sounds quite
       annoyed at having been recognised 50 year later ... (why?)

                             AND FOR HOME LISTENING

       And from Peter (up in Sydney), here's another episode of "I'm sorry,
       I haven't a clue", yet another example of BBC production brilliance.
       Not the sort of thing you'll be able to listen to at work - wait
       until you get home and can find a quiet half hour to enjoy this ...

I'm sorry, I haven't a clue #2  - MP3 version Click here
or the RealBadAudio version Click here

       Finally, it's back to the Christmas of 1942 and yet another episode
       of Dad and Dave.  A few people still seem to enjoy hearing these,
       and we do still have one or two more episodes (these are courtesy of
       Geoff D, Clarmont, Tas):

Dad and Dave - episode 538  - MP3 version Click here
or the RealBadAudio version Click here


           Okay, back to CUB now - and this collection of Laws ...

Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items
at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget
two of the first five.

Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the
corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes
and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be
doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften
when stale.  Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

The Grocery Bag Law: The confectionary you planned to eat on the way home from
the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed.
When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

        And from Biggus (aka Fifi aka David), we came across this letter
        from a month or two back ...

The Australian Cricket Board
Cricket Australia
60 Jolimont St
Jolimont   3002

To Whom It May Concern


Dear Sirs.

I wish to apply for the vacant position of Australian Test Cricket Captain
pending the retirement of Shane Waugh.

I have been involved in cricket for all of my life and currently I captain the
C Grade cricket team for the Wonthaggi Workman's Club and have been hitting
the ball quite well recently.  I also open the bowling for the team and my
teammates describe my bowling as 'nippy'.

This season we have been enjoying unparalleled success in the local competition
and sit atop the ladder.  Our nearest rival in the competition (Wonthaggi
Miners) is full of Pakistanis, but that doesn't matter.

On a personal note, I have been working hard to improve my leadership skills
and sledging of the opposition.  However there is no truth to the rumour that
the sledging caused the all in brawl against Leongatha Town 2 weeks ago.  It
was in fact the conduct of their wicket keeper who was drunk at the time.  My
batting record speaks for itself and I also hold the record for the Smiths
Beach Beach Cricket Comp, being undefeated on 724 with play being interrupted
due to the tide washing away the pitch.

I realise that there may be some areas that I may need to improve on if I
were to be appointed to this position and one of my concerns is that I have
yet to face a ball being bowled at 150kmh, however I am willing to learn.
My leadership skills are exemplary and I run my team in much the same
disciplined way as Shane Waugh's team.  In the first game of the season,
I sent our first slip from the field because he chose to field in bare feet.
I didn't think his conduct was in the spirit of the game and he sat out the
rest of the day in the bar while we fielded with only 13 men.

I also have experience in dealing with the media as I regularly get interviewed
by the local paper, The Sentinel Times.  I would be more than willing to
write a regular column for one or more of the major metropolitan papers and
generate our own publicity.  I'm sure you guys could tee that up for me?

I am very personable, likeable and am a genuine down to earth good bloke.
I don't drink alcohol on game days, I don't gamble, except on the races,
and I don't have a mobile phone.  I would also be willing to relocate to
Kirribilli if I was selected for the position.

I look forward to discussing the position at an interview.

Kind regards

Darran Scott

RMB 5077 Smiths Beach 3922 Victoria Australia

The following referees would be more than willing to provide me with with a

Pot Dallinger            Barry McCoy                  Michael Cargill
Surfing Referee          Football Umpire              Soccer Referee
22 Malcliff Rd           C/-Wonthaggi Police Station  2 Panorama Crs
Newhaven                 Wonthaggi                    Surf Beach
3925                     3995                         3922

And the reply from the Cricket Board: Click here

[ By the way - did you find you couldn't read the above reply?  Then you're
  probably using uncle Bill's browser (Internet Exploder), which by default
  re-sizes all pictures to "fit" in its silly little window.

  To correct this idiotic behaviour, just click on Tools -> Internet Options ->
  Advanced and un-tick "Enable Automatic Image Resizing" (under multimedia),
  as shown in this screen grab - Click here ]


          Darnell came across these interesting news stories ...

Version 2: Click here

DIY shipwreck: Click here

Sex scrapes through: Click here

                    and Digi Steve noticed this one ...

A whale of a bang: Click here

                    A couple more from Maria the Harding ...


A couple is lying in bed.

The man says, "I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world".

The woman replies "I'll miss you"

Typical ...



Lee Sum Wan: "Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?"

Mr. Sori: "Yes, you can speak to me."

Lee Sum Wan: "No, I want to speak to Annie Wan."

Mr. Sori: "You are talking to someone!  Who is this?"

Lee Sum Wan: "I'm Sum Wan.  I need to talk to Annie Wan.  It's urgent."

Mr. Sori: "I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone!  But
what's this urgent matter about?"

Lee Sum Wan: "Look, just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother was
involved in an accident.  Noe Wan was injured and now Noe Wan is being sent
to the hospital.  Right now, Avery Wan is going to the hospital."

Mr. Sori: "Well, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital
from the accident, that isn't an urgent matter!  You may find this hilarious,
but I don't have time for this!"

Lee Sum Wan: "You are very rude.  Who are you?"

Mr. Sori: "I'm Sori."

Lee Sum Wan: "You should be sorry.  Now give me your name!"

Mr. Sori: "I'm Sori!"

Lee Sum Wan: "I don't like your tone of voice, mister, and I don't care.
Now give me your name!"

Mr. Sori: "Look, lady, I told you already.  I'm Sori!  I'm Sori!  I'm SORI!
You didn't even give me your name!"

Lee Sum Wan: "I told you before, I'm Sum Wan!  Sum Wan!  You better be
careful, man.  My father is Sum Buddy.  And my uncle holds a very prestigious
position in the family business.  He is Noe Buddy."

Mr. Sori (sarcastically): "Oh, I'm so scared.  Look, I don't care about
your uncle; he's a nobody.  Everybody thinks he's top dog and holding an
important position in the company."

Lee Sum Wan: "No, Avery Buddy just married my aunt.  And Avery Buddy doesn't
work there."

Mr. Sori: "Like I said, I don't care which one of your aunts sleeps around,
and I also know that not everybody works here!  Jeez!  Now, which one of my
employees do you want to talk to?"

Lee Sum Wan: "Wheech Wan is my sister!"

Mr. Sori: "I don't know which one is your sister!  How in God's name would
I know that?

            Finally for this week, it's another one from Biggus ...

                       NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold
up a Bank of America branch without a weapon.  King used a thumb and a finger
to simulate a gun.

Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.


    ... and ...

                             GONE FISHING

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour
east of Bakersfield, California, some folks who were new to boating were
having a problem.  No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their
brand new 22 ft. boat going properly.  It was very sluggish in almost every
maneuver, no matter how much power was applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina,
thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.  A thorough topside
check revealed everything in perfect working condition.  The engine ran fine,
the outboard drive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size
and pitch.

One of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.  He came up
choking on water.


Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
[ End Friday humour ]

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