Friday humour - January 30, 2004

     From Davo at bluehaze:

Greetings and salutations!

After throwing FH together for the last few weeks and sorting through the
deluge of orders for AM stereo walkmans my files are in a shockin' mess.

Some of what follows may be repeats (encore versions of course) - and hey! -
we are desperate for more graphic files.  We can only shove out what you
lot shove in.  Comprendo???

[ Actually, repeats are generally deleted on the way into this archive where
  I can pick them :-)  Ed ]

This quirky contribution from Sir Douglas (it's an EXE embedded into a M$ Word
file so we've scanned it with the latest Symantec Corporate scanner, which
assured us that it contain no viruses) - Click here

The Great Man should be well rested by now and will be back in the chair
next week.


 First up, from Nestor


At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a
public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes
the man is a member of the notorious al-ge'bra movement. He is being charged
by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-ge'bra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions
by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of
absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to
themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common
denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to
every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted
us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more
fingers and toes.

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent
on protracting us from these maths-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us
with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every
sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences,
we must differentiate their root, make our point and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of maths instruction have the potential
to decimal everything in their reckoning on a scalene never before seen
unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random
facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my
ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: 'though they continue
to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around
their necks'."

[Author unknown]


 A late entry from Minnesota Scott

                             HALLOWEEN JOKES

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
With scare spray...

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with...

What do ghosts add to their morning cereal?

What is a vampire's favourite sport?

What is a vampire's favourite holiday?

What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?
They're so wrapped up in themselves...

What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends...

What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
Fasten your sheet belts...

What is a vampire's favourite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel...

What is a ghost's favourite mode of transportation?
A scareplane...

What type of dog do vampire's like the best?

What is a ghoul's favourite flavour?

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A stake sandwich...

What is a skeleton's favourite musical instrument?
A trombone...

What do birds give out on Halloween night?

Why do vampires need mouthwash?
They have bat breath...

What's a vampire's favourite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure...

Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
He heard it had great circulation...


    From Trina

                          ACCORDING TO MRS HOYLE

  A man is like a pack of cards ...

  You need a Heart to love him,
  a Diamond to marry him,
  a Club to smash his head in
  and a Spade to bury the bastard


   This weeks pic files are from Mad Mick, UK Alan Smithie, DigiSteve, Sir
   Doug, and goodness only knows who you are.  Hey! - more pics please ...

High security Click here

Warm and Cute: Click here and Click here and Click here

Coping with the drought Click here


 From Bob the Flann

                           THOUGHTS TO PONDER

1. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

2. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

3. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

4. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.

5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

6. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

7. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

8. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

9. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

10. Every calendar's days are numbered.

11. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

12. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

13. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

14. Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

15. A backward poet writes inverse.

16. Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.

17. Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.

18. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

19. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

20. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

21. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

22. When you dream in colour, it's a pigment of your imagination.

23. When an actress saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

24. Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

25. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

26. Without geometry, life is pointless.

27. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

28. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

29. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

30. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your Count votes.

31. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

32. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

33. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

34. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

35. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

36. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

37. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

38. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

39. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleumbn

40. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.

41. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

42. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at

43. The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of

44. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.


 The Allnutts contribution ...

                             RANGI AND KINGI

Rangi and Kingi are on their way home from a Tangi, and they get killed in a
car crash. Rocking up to the Pearly Gates, they find them unattended. Rangi
rings the bell, and presently Saint Peter appears.

"Can I help you boys?" he asks.

"Yeah, we want to come in," says Rangi.

"Sorry, but it's Tuesday," says St Peter. "It's God's day off. You'll have
to come back tomorrow."

"But we know God real well," says Kingi. "When we were little we had this
Auntie who used to make us pray all the time. You go and tell Him that Rangi
and Kingi are here, and he'll let us in."

St Peter relents, and disappears out the back, where The Creator is having
a wee kip in a hammock. "Sorry to bother you Boss, but there are two Maori
boys here. They want to come in."

God looks up. "For crying out loud Pete, it's Tuesday, my day off. Go tell
them to wait in limbo."

"I said that, but they insist that they know you very well. Their names are
Rangi and Kingi."

God rolls His eyes. "Okay, bring them in, but this is the last time, okay?"

St Peter heads back out the front. A moment later he's back. "They're gone,"
he says.

"The Kiwi boys?" asks God.

"No, the Pearly Gates."


 A quickie from Marysville Beryl

                               LOST BOY

A small boy was lost in a rather large shopping mall. He approached a
uniformed policeman and through tear filled eyes said, "I lost my Daddy!"

The policeman asked, "Tell me son, what's he like?"

The little lad replies, "Beer and tits"


 Finally, from Hector and friends at Edinburgh Uni

                    QUOTES ON THE SUBJECT OF SEX

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
  --Rodney Dangerfield

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --Camille Paglia

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
  --Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
  --Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he
never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
  --Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had
  a sense of humour)


                              QUOTE OF THE WEEK

 "What is the open question is how many stocks they had, if any, and
  if they had any, where did they go. And if they didn't have any,
  then why wasn't that known beforehand."

                                - Colin Powell, US Secretary of State

 (The man who presented last February's Weapons of Mass Destruction
  slide show to the UN before the pre-emptive invasion because the US
  and its allies felt "threatened" by Iraq.  Back then he said "We
  know where they are."

  Sir Humphrey would be amused.)


[ End Fri humour ]

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