Friday humour - January 23, 2004


     From Davo at bluehaze:


G'day and Yo!

And for many in Oz the holidays roll on.

Please keep sending in interesting web sites, webcams, and assorted funnies to
fridayhumour~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au.

This engaging "businessballs" web site was sent in by Mad Mick of Marwick.
Checkout the acronym page.  There's heaps of those we use daily plus many
new ones such as ...

BOGOFF
Buy One Get One For Free.

FOFO
Frig Off and Find Out.

LOMBARD
Loads Of Money But A Real Dickhead.

PEBCAK
Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard. (Mick's favourite!)

PITA
Pain In The Arse.

SINBAD
Single Income No Boyfriend And Desperate.

WOMBAT
Waste Of Money, Brains and Time.

YOYO
You're On Your Own.

   Click here

More funny stuff after the commercial ...

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    H A V E   F U N !      G E T   F I T !      L O S E    W E I G H T !


   **  TAKE THE DOG FOR A NIGHTLY WALK AND LISTEN TO HI-FI AM STEREO  **

I'm about to place an order with Audiocubes in Japan for some AM stereo
walkmans.  The current list price is US$69 - A$88.89 (cheap at half the
price!).

         These are the Sony SRF-AX51V TV/FM/AM Pocket Radio

Check them out at - Click here

If anyone in Oz would like to be included in the order we could minimise
shipping costs from our friends in Japan.  Those interested let me know by
next week.  Others can buy direct from www.audiocubes.com .

Currently 3AK, Sport 927 3UZ, and Magic 693 broadcast in hi-fi wideband stereo.
3AW actually broadcasts a stereo signal of a mono feed which is as useful
as tits on a bull.  And Easy Music 3MP has pulled the plug on AM stereo and
I expect the receivers will be in shortly.

Put more groovy sounds into your miserable lives by taking the dog for a
nightly walk listening to your favourite stereo memories on 6 O'Clock Rock,
Sixties at 7, and Your Hit Parade at 8:00 pm on Magic 693.

           T H R O W    A W A Y    T H E    V I A G R A !

   Your lovelife WILL improve and you'll never listen to FM again!

 This message brought to you by Audio Cubes II - The High Fidelity Store

       -{ Audio Cubes II is a proud sponsor of Friday Humour }-

   --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o--


 First up from Lee at Melb Uni

                              THE MAGIC STICK

A Fairy told a married couple: "For being such an exemplary married couple
for 25 years, I will give you each a wish."

"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband" ... said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! Two tickets appeared in
her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said "Well ... this
moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in
a lifetime. So ... I'm sorry my love, but my wish is ... to have a wife 30
years younger than me."

The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish.

The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and ....... ABRACADABRA ...

Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.

(Men might be bastards but Fairies are Female)

   --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o--

 From Maura McD

                  ITS LIKE BEING IN PRISON WORKING HERE!

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit
clearer.

IN PRISON.. you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK... you
spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day. AT WORK... you only get a break for
one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behaviour. AT WORK... you get more
work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK... you
must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK... you get fired for
watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON... you get your own toilet. AT
WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON... they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK... you
can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required. AT
WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT
WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK... they are
called managers

Have a Great Day at WORK !!

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 From Rosalie

                                 ECONOMICS

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your
herd multiplies and the economy grows. You retire on the income.

INDIAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You worship them.

PAKISTAN ECONOMICS You don't have any cows. You claim that the Indian
cows belong to you. You ask the US for financial aid, China for military
aid, British for Warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology,
French for submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs and Japan
for equipment. You buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by
the world.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows. You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH ECONOMICS You have two cows. You go on strike because you want
three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You reengineer them so that they live
for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS You have two cows. They are both mad cows.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You don't know where they are. You
break for lunch.

SWISS ECONOMICS You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge
others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS You have two cows. You redesign them so that they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You
then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five
cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and
learn you have 17 cows. You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

CHINESE ECONOMICS You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You
claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting
the actual numbers.

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 A couple from Ian (aka Kiz) at Edinburgh Uni

                25 GREAT COUNTRY & WESTERN SONG TITLES

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissin' You Goodbye.

24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.

23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.

21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't
Run So I Figure We're Even.

20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.

19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.

18. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.

17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here.

14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.

13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.

12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.

11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).

10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.

9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.

8. Please Bypass This Heart.

7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.

5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

   And my Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few.

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 And a couple from British McNickers

                             Marriage Desk

At this place they have a Marriage Desk. Is your Misses giving you the third
degree? These boys have the answers to most of your problems. Please write
in for some help.

Her Side of the Story:

My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe
for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it
might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised but he
didn't say anything about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him
upset, but I could tell there was something wrong.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to
someplace intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant
and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did
I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me?

I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was
it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, he said no. But
I wasn't really sure.

In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just
put his arm around me. I didn't know what the heck that meant because, you
know, he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was
wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he
just switched on the TV.

Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes,
he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really
distracted, so afterwards I wanted to confront him but didn't, so I just
cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really
think he's seeing someone else.

His Side of the Story:

Played badly today --- shot 87 - - -can't putt for shit! Felt kinda tired.

Got serviced though.

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   Not many pics this week as we're having trouble FTP'ing Bluehaze - it
   appears someone's tripped over the cord.  These contributions are from
   Yvie Gatica, Ian-dj at ozemail, Maria H, Rosalie, DigiSteve, Mad Mick of
   Marwick, Dave Allnutts, Biggus, and Uni Lee.

   Hey KeroSteve - come back - all is forgiven!!  This holiday of yours is
   longer than little Honest Johnny's.

Morning alarm Click here

Latest pics from Mars Click here Click here Click here Click here

Neat diversion Click here

Nicely thought out Click here

And the Crocodile Steve pics keep coming Click here

Cats Click here Click here Click here Click here

Where's the Sunbeam? Click here

Perceptions Click here

Come on down Click here

Movie mixups Click here

   --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o--

 Back to text and from Rowan Davo (recycled from crikey.com.au)

                         RESUME - GEORGE W. BUSH

LAW ENFORCEMENT:

I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence
of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended
for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

MILITARY:

I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a
drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas
Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

COLLEGE:

I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

I ran for U. S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in
Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in
Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock. I bought
the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using
taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our right-wing friends in the
oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:

I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making
Texas the most polluted state in the Union.

During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city
in America. I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of
billions in borrowed money.

I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.

With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's
appointments to the Supreme Court, I became president after losing by over
500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

I am the first President in U. S. history to enter office with a criminal
record.

I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion
dollars per week.

I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U. S. Treasury.

I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U. S. history.

I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month
period.

I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.

I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the
U. S. stock market.

In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and
that trend continues every month.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration
in U. S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron
oil tanker named after her.

I set the record for most campaign fundraising trips by a U. S. President.

I am the all-time U. S. and world record-holder for receiving the most
corporate campaign donations.

My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth
Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U. S. History,
Enron. My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys
to assure my success with the U. S. Supreme Court during my election decision.

I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or
prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky
affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs
in history.

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U. S. history and refused to
intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U. S. history.

I changed the U. S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded
government contracts.

I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President
in U. S. history.

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the
history of the United States government.

I've broken more international treaties than any President in U. S. history.

I am the first President in U. S. history to have the United Nations remove
the U. S. from the Human Rights Commission.--this is true.

I withdrew the U. S. from the World Court of Law.--actually what happened is
the World Court is changing into the International Criminal Court--because
the US wants to be a part of the court, but not be open to having the US have
charges brought up against them, they have temporarily ceased negotiating
with the countries involved in and taking part in the establishment of the
ICC. So, in other words, the US wants to be able to establish the laws within
the ICC, practice those laws within the ICC, but not have those laws applied
to our country.

I refused to allow inspectors access to U. S. "prisoners of war" detainees
and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.--Guantanomo Bay.

I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election
inspectors (during the 2002 U. S. election).

I set the record for fewest number of press conferences of any President
since the advent of television.

I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period.

After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst
security failure in U. S. history.

I garnered the most sympathy for the U. S. after the World Trade Center
attacks and less than a year later made the U. S. the most disliked country
in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously
protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for
protest against any person in the history of mankind.

I am the first President in U. S. history to order an unprovoked, preemptive
attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against
the will of the United Nations, the majority of U. S. citizens, and the
world community.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty
benefits for active duty troops and their families - in wartime.

In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq,
then blamed the lies on our British friends.

I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%)
view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security.

I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," WMD.

I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library,
sealed and unavailable for public view.

All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt
companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended
regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for
public view.

   --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o--


 From a male called Anon E. Mouse

                              SHUTTLE-COCK

Here is a Space Shuttle mission with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.

The headquarters in the US calls: "Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the
television screen." He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in
compartment 1, increase the temperature of engine 4 and to release oxygen
to the reactors. So monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases
the oxygen.

A few moments later headquarters calls again: "Monkey number 2, monkey number
2 to the television screen." He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide
to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel
compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon
dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, please woman, approach
the screen." She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do
she says.....

"I know I know!! Feed the monkeys, and don't f***ing touch anything."

   --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o--

 From Steve of Oregon

            A funny thing happened on the way to the forum

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food
in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field.  Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look
at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?"

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.  It yelled "Grape, grape!"
Someone said, "Don't you mean 'Rape'?"
The peanut said, "No. There was a bunch of them!"

A guy tries to board an airplane with a big dead bird under his arm. The
flight attendent rushes over to him and shouts "Hey, you can't take that on
board!" The guy replies "Wadda you mean? I thought I was allowed one carry on."

Have you heard of the dyslexic insomniac agnostic? He was up all night
wondering if there is a dog.

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 Finally from Brett Dude

                                   AUSSIE BLOKES

Four youths from Canberra, Australia pulled off a trick of breathtaking bravado
in order to gain revenge on a mobile speed camera van operating in the area.

Three of the group approached the van and distracted the operator's attention
by asking a series of questions about how the equipment worked and how many
cars the operator could catch in a day.

Meanwhile, the fourth musketeer sneaked to the front of the van and unscrewed
its numberplate.

After bidding the van operator goodbye, the friends returned home, fixed the
number plate to their car and drove through the camera's radar at high speed
- 17 times. As a result, the automated billing system issued 17 speeding
tickets to itself.

Go Aussies!!

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      Quote of the Week - 12 months on ...

 "We will consult. But let there be no misunderstanding. If Saddam Hussein
  does not fully disarm, for the safety of our people and for the peace of
  the world, we will lead a coalition to disarm him."

                                                     - George W Bush
                              State of the Union Address 20 Jan 2003


 "Since we last met in this chamber, combat forces of the United States,
  Great Britain, Australia, Poland, and other countries enforced the demands
  of the United Nations, ended the rule of Saddam Hussein - and the people
  of Iraq are free."

                                                     - George W Bush
                              State of the Union Address 21 Jan 2004


      [ As they say on Fox News "The spin stops here."  - Ed ]

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[ End Fri humour ]

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