Friday humour - January 16, 2004


     From Davo at bluehaze:


Greetings and salutations!


Well it would seem that nobody has come to my portal proffering donations
of Maltesers and fine Cuban cigars ... but the show must go on.  I'm still
open to all offers though and can assure that I do go cheap.

The great man is currently commuting between basking in the Phillip Island
sun and feeding the "home alone" cats who don't appreciate the interruptions
to their normal routine.

I bought a DVD player over the break and feel it gives you less control than
the old faithful VCR.  If anyone knows how to tape from DVD to VCR without
getting the brightness torture please let me know.  Not that I'd want to of
course ...  True dinks!!

Now to a dogs breakfast of assorted funnies - and where's KeroSteve? -
no doubt on hols.  Let's hope he has a good time - he deserves it.

Please - you others - YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! - send your contributions into
fridayhumour~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au.  You can always request to remain anonymous.

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   First up, from the irrepressable Brett

                        TO BE AN AUSSIE

Two families move from Pakistan to Australia. When they arrive the two fathers
make a bet in a year's time which ever family has become more Australian
will win.

A year later they meet again:

The first man says, "My son is playing AFL, I had a meat pie with sauce for
breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of VB, how about you?"

The second man replies, "Fuck up towelhead."

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       And from Bonnie Hec at Edinburgh Uni ...

                CHRISTMAS ETIQUETTE FOR DOGS!

Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear
to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting
dog leans and wet kisses.

Your humans may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not
assume that all the gifts are yours.

Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some
special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

The humans may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent
place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem
to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things
you need to know:

- Don't pee on the tree.  - Don't drink water from the container that holds
the tree.  - Mind your tail when you are near the tree.  - If there are
packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your
name on them, don't rip them open.  - The ornaments hanging from the tree
are not dog toys.  - Don't chew on the cord that runs from the hole in the
wall to the tree.

Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during
this season. Be patient, even if unknowing strangers sit on your couch,
and do not drink out of glasses that are left within your reach.

Don't eat off the buffet table.

A big man with a white beard and a red suit may emerge from your fireplace
in the middle of the night. DON'T BITE HIM!

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And from David T

                         GOLDIE BUT OLDIE ...

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were
sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan
Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee. "Oh, c'mon baby,
let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time,"
Huan Cho begged. "But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me." Jung Lee looked at Huan
Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu." Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and
they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

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Some more stuff from Allnutts

                       TEETH DOWN THERE ...

A little boy goes shopping with his mother, and is waiting right outside of
the ladies' dressing room for his Mum to come out. While waiting, the little
boy gets bored, and just when his Mum comes walking out, she sees her son
sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have
teeth down there?" The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks
his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have
teeth between their legs.

When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of
town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out
and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further,
if you want."

What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to
her crotch.

"HELL, NO!" he cries, "you've got teeth down here!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth down there."

"Yes, there are," he says, "my Mum told me so."

"No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that,
she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I'm sorry" he says. "My Mum already told me that ALL women have teeth
down there."

"Oh, for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her
legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition
of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

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More from the wild west

        Look after yourself in the Christmas-New Year period

                       SOME EATING TIPS.

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table
knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that
it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn
into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for
me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your
mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your
eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's
food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You
can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for
long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying
a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted
Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near
them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of
attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind,
you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,
if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or
get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.

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Now to the pics - such as they are - from I forget.  But you know who you are.
I reckon some might be from Lee, Biggus, Malisja, Brett, and Little Honest
Johnny - but I may be wrong ...

Pots or jugs Click here

The bleeding obvious Click here

Went better at rehearsal Click here

Two of a kind Click here

One bourbon done - two to go Click here

Our Steve Click here

Next trick Click here

Croc-seat Click here

Knowing your place Click here

Mission impossible Click here

Everything comes to he who waits  Click here

Hanging out for it Click here

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Back to text from Jodi Ravey - expert on Queensland air

        A n   H i s t o r i c a l   P e r s p e c t i v e
           O n   P e d e s t r i a n   C h i c k e n s

QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

GOVERNMENT ADVISORY COMMITTEE:: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the
road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with
significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the
newly competitive market. Outsourced feasibility studies by the government
helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and
implementation processes. Poultry Integration Model (PIM) has helped the
chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences
to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its
overall strategy within a Program Management framework. This convened a
diverse cross- spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with business
strategists with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a
two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge
capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each
other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully
architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across
the continuum of poultry cross- median processes. The meeting was held in
a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which
was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent,
clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission,
vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total
business integration solution. The Government Advisory Committee has helped
the chicken change to become more successful.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more
chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

THOMAS DE QUINCY: Because it ran out of opium.

ROBERT FROST: To cross the road less traveled by.

GROUCHO MARX: Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an
uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we
needed the eggs.

MARK TWAIN: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

WERNER HEISENBERG: We are uncertain which side of the road the chicken was
on, but it was moving very fast.

OLIVER NORTH: National Security was at stake.

JACQUES DERRIDA: What is the "difference?". The chicken was merely deferring
from one side of the road to other. And how do we get the idea of the chicken
in the first place? Does it exist outside of language?

SALVADOR DALI: Fish.

JAMES JOYCE: To forge in the smithy of its soul the uncreated conscience of
its race.

ZENO OF ELEA: To prove it could never reach the other side.

JOHN MILTON: To justify the ways of God to men. MACHIAVELLI: The point is
that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the
road justifies whatever motive there was. JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone
cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck
was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will
not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents,
and balance your checkbook.

OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the
road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we
overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected
in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

CLINTON : I did not, and I repeat, I did not have sexual relations with
the chicken.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free
to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken
did NOT cross the road.

JULIUS CAESAR: To come, to see, to conquer.

BOB DYLAN: How many roads must one chicken cross?

MARTIN LUTHER KING: It had a dream.

SIR ISAAC NEWTON: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion
tend to cross the road.

MARGARET THATCHER: There was no alternative.

MAE WEST: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.

JACQUES LACAN: Because of its desire for "object a".

MICHAEL FOUCAULT: It did so because the discourse of crossing the road left
it no choice-the police state was oppressing it.

ROLAND BARTHES: The chicken wanted to expose the myth of the road.

AYN RAND: It was crossing the road because of its own rational choice to
do so. There cannot be a collective unconscious; desires are unique to
each individual.

LEOPOLD BLOOM: Wonder why chickens cross roads. Must be some law. Migration
maybe. Mrs. Marion Bloom.

HENRY DAVID THOREAU: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out
of life.

WOLFGANG PAULI: There already was a chicken on the other side of the road.

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>From Lee at Melb Uni

                            COMMUNITY SERVICE

One day a florist goes for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the
barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you,
I am doing community service."

The florist is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop there is a card and
a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber and the
barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing
community service." The policeman is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card
and a dozen doughnuts waiting at his door.

An public servant goes for a haircut and goes to pay the barber. The barber
replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you, I am doing community
service."

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds
at the door?

C'mon, think like a public servant ...










 ....










... a dozen public servants waiting for a free haircut!

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Finally from Lisa

                              VIRUSES

     Be on the look out for the following viruses:

* CLINTON VIRUS: Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

* VIAGRA VIRUS: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

* LEWINSKY VIRUS: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails
everyone about what it did.

* RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

* MIKE TYSON VIRUS: Quits after two bytes.

* OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB,
then slowly expands to 200 MB.

* DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Deletes all old files.

* ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS: Disks can no longer be inserted.

* TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus): Your whole computer
goes down.

* DISNEY VIRUS: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

* PROZAC VIRUS: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

* ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates some files, leaves, but it will
be back.

* LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS: Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy,
then discards it through Windows

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Quote of the Week

  "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
   World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."

                                                 -Albert Einstein

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[ End Fri humour ]

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