Friday humour - December 26, 2003


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

          Gidday,
     A shortish one today, Boxing Day, because apart from the usual family
     get-togethers over here, we've also got a birthday happening!

     I trust that everyone's had at least one pleasant family get-together
     during Christmas.  And for any of you who didn't manage that - maybe
     today's dose of humour will cheer you up.

     First up, from Rosalie (who said "I haven't been able to submit anything
     in ages - my email gets bounced when I use my yahoo account ...")

     That's my fault, I'm afraid - it's an unfortunate side-effect of that
     August 2003 email flood.  I've had to block most of Yahoo because it was
     a bad source of spam and other rubbish.  If anyone wants to mail Bluehaze
     from a yahoo account, just tell me (somehow), and I'll just install an
     exception for your account.

     Anyway - onto Rosalie's latest batch:
                             ---------------------

                             SHORTEST ESSAY WINNER

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay
containing the following elements:

1) Religion
2) Royalty
3) Sex
4) Mystery

The prizewinner wrote:

"My God", said the queen, "I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it"?
                             ---------------------

                    OXFORD DICTIONARY'S LATEST DEFINITIONS

Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a
fool on the other.

Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the
Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds
of either.

Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by
feminine water power.

Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and
everybody disagrees later on.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you
actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to
decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of
when dead.

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you
actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls
into a river.

Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway
"See I am not injured yet."

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest.... except that he got
caught.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are
early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your
confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his
bills.
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                Now here's a quickie from Maria the Harding ...
                             ---------------------

                          MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from
receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
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               Then there was this even shorter one from Unix:
                             ---------------------

In 1898 the first submarine sandwich was introduced, but the company went
under.

   -- "On This Day in History"
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      And just before the multimedia material, one from John K at CUB:
                             ---------------------

Once there was a prostitute who had three different rates based on the
following three conditions:

1) $100.00 to do it on the grass.

2) $200.00 to do it on a couch.

3) $300.00 to do it in the bed.

In the morning an Englishman walks in and slaps a $100 note on the table.  So
they go out and did it on the grass.

Soon, an American walks in and slaps a $200 note on the table.  So they go for
the couch and do it on there.

At the end of the day, a Greek walks in and slaps $300 on the table.  Happy
to see the money, the prostitute says, "Wow ... now you've got some class".

The Greek responds, "Class my arse - we're having it three times on the grass!"

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        Okay - to a few pics and things.  This first one was just suggested to
        me by Cameron Davidson (the Clayton one).  It's the classic Southpark
        Christmas punch-up:

Southpark Christmas: Click here

   BTW, if that site's unavailable, you can get it from bluehaze - Click here
                          -------------------------

        And from Kero, we just received these ...

On the run: Click here
GWB at the vatican: Click here
                          -------------------------

        Rosalie also forwarded these on (and it makes me wonder how much
        else we've missed from her with the Yahoo email block).  Anyway,
        this is a card and some comics with a Lord Of The Rings theme ...

Merry Christmas: Click here
LOTR 1: Click here
LOTR 2: Click here
LOTR 3: Click here
LOTR 4: Click here
LOTR 5: Click here
LOTR 6: Click here
                          -------------------------

        Brett Valentine from our store found this little movie about a dog
        that loves grabbing fireworks and running around with 'em ...

Pepe: Click here
                          -------------------------

        And finally, some sound bites from here and there.  To start with,
        something in keeping with the spirit of Christmas - or more
        particularly, in the positive spirit of generosity and of kindness.
        It's an ABC interview with Father Nicolas Frances MBE, currently
        executive director of our Brotherhood of St Laurence, and one
        amazing guy.

        Note that first link below is to the original source at the Oz ABC
        website, and it's in the dreaded and highly proprietary "RealAudio"
        format.  So you'll need to have a "RealMedia" player to listen
        to it.  However, as mentioned in the past, the latest breed of Real
        players are really intrusive, and I know many of you now want nothing
        to do with them.  So if you'd really like to listen to this one and
        you don't have a Real Player installed, I'd suggest you install the
        older and far less intrusive RealPlayer Version 7.  You can load
        this older one from Bluehaze by clicking on the link below.
        *** NOTE: DO NOT give your real email address during the setup
        process.  The RealMedia people sell them to junk-mail companies ***

  The older and less intrusive version 7 "Real" player - Click here

And the interview - in streaming RealBadAudio format: Click here
Or for an MP3 copy of the above from Bluehaze: /audio/mp3/brotherhood.mp3
                             ---------------------

    And courtesy of Peter up in Sydney - one more episode of the BBC's My Word.
    This will probably be the last MW for a while - we've used all the ones
    that Peter uploaded:

My Word #5 ...  MP3 version: /audio/mp3/My_Word_05_030925.mp3
 or the RealBadAudio streaming and bubbling version: Click here
                             ---------------------

    And finally (from Geoff in Tassie), another Dad and Dave episode.

    BTW, even though we had episode 533 last week, this will be episode 535
    because we already ran 534 back on August 22nd (*), it being the one we
    first started out with.

    So it's back to a hot Oz country Christmas in the early 1940s, with Dad,
    Dave and the family all downtown in Snake Gully madly buying presents
    for each other ...

Dad and Dave Episode 535 ...  MP3 version: /audio/mp3/Dad_and_Dave-Episode_535.mp3
 or the RealBadAudio streaming version: Click here

 (*) Click here and scroll about 70% of the way down for episode 534 if you

missed it.
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      Okay - back to a bit of ASCII material now, and once again, it's over
      to CUB (the place that ran out of barrels this Christmas and couldn't
      supply enough draught beer for Oz), and this one from John ...
                             ---------------------

A scientist was successful in cloning himself.

He was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists.
The meeting room was located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.

The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone
sat at the end of the head table. The scientist began the speech intending
a tribute to the advances in the field of modern biology.

"My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word,
the clone sprang to his feet and shouted out, "he's an ARSE-HOLE!".

The crowd began to murmur as the scientist commanded the clone to "sit down
and shut-up!".  Apologising for the interruption, the scientist began again,
"My fellow scientists ..."

Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled "This dumb ARSE couldn't
produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent SON-OF-A-BITCH!".

Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out
of the window.

The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New
York's finest arrived and were explained the events that had transpired.

The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest
you."

The scientist replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What fell from
the window was a clone, not a person.". The attending scientists nodded in
agreement.

"Well," retorted the police chief, "we can not let this heinous act go
unchallenged".

The police chief thought for a moment, and ordered the scientist held for
"Making an obscene clone fall ..."
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         And to finish up for this Christmas 2003 week, some dark humour
         from Alfedo R J Katz incorporated ...
                             ---------------------

                   BLACK CHRISTMAS HUMOUR - ATO VS SANTA

It is a little known fact that at one time Santa considered basing himself in
Australia. He was tired of the cold and snow and this was one place generally
devoid of both. Being a good corporate citizen, he was anxious to fulfill his
taxation obligations.

The first question the Australian Tax Office (ATO) asked was whether he was
carrying on a business. When you look at his operation all the indicators say
'yes' except for the fact that Santa did not derive a profit nor in fact any
income. So if there is no income then there are no deductions allowed or even
if there were, then they would have no effect unless Santa had some other
income.

Certainly, as a manufacturer and employer, Santa had to register for a tax
file number, an ABN, Pay As You Go withholding, Fringe benefits tax, Payroll
tax (in every state and territory), Workers compensation and Superannuation.
You now know why some Christmas presents have been delivered late. Santa also
found he has some work to do for his Employees. As he provided them meals,
accommodation and transport, he was liable for Fringe Benefits Tax (FBT).

He also had to register the uniforms of the little elves as corporate wardrobe
and make sure he keeps all of his employment records in place.  Unfortunately
the Tax Act doesn't provide for a kilometer rate on reindeer so Santa had to
maintain records on his travel cost. Fortunately, as his Christmas Eve journey
only takes one day, a travel diary was not needed.

Another issue for Santa was the milk, beer, whiskey, cakes and biscuits he
received when delivering presents. The ATO felt there was a barter arrangement
in place requiring Santa to quantify what and how much he received and then
attach a value to it that should be returned as his income. His defense that
there was no barter in place, that this was purely a social or domestic
arrangement he had with the children of the world, was not accepted. Such a
practice had all the hallmarks of a mass marketed tax avoidance scheme that
could lead to the growth of similar unacceptable activities.

Another problem arose because Santa's generosity meant that his business was
making a loss. Like all taxpayers, he is subject to self-assessment and
substantiation. When the loss showed up on his tax return, he was audited
under the ATO's compliance program for individuals making business losses.
Did the non-commercial loss provisions apply? The answer was an emphatic yes,
as Santa's inadequate record keeping meant he was unable to establish the
value of the reindeer and a rickety old sleigh.

Santa had a lot of explaining to do. Having sought professional advice he
realised he could not viably operate his business in Australia.  He has no
option but to utilise the ultimate piece of tax planning and relocate back to
the North Pole. Here even the ATO is frozen out and Santa lived happily ever
after, vowing never to return to Australia.

Meanwhile, back at the ATO, the audit branch keeps the file open and is still
trying to issue a draft ruling to cover the Santa scam ...
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[ End Friday humour ]


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