Friday humour - December 19, 2003


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

          And g'day,
      Heck - where did 2003 go?  Less than a week till Christmas.  Anyway,
      another bumper load of pics and things this week, so thanks to all
      of you for passing those on.  And lotsa Christmas humour in the ASCII
      tradition as well, of course.

      Before we really get started, Wayne (in Finance) felt that some of
      our male Friday humour readers (the wankers) might be able to help
      some of our female readers: Click here

      And Ian Madsen reckoned you'd all be straining at the leash to undertake
      a "Nerd Test" before Christmas.  There are 2 versions of this:

   Short version: Click here or Long version: Click here

      Okay, hope you scored well there!  To the Christmas 2003 humour now,
      beginning with this collection from a very busy CUB and John the Klimek:
                        --------------------------------


                                  ASK SANTA

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what
would *you* like for Christmas, darling?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped
"Didn't you get my f__king e-mail?"

                        ----====#===#===#===#====----


                             THE PEARLY GATES

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

"In honour of this holy season,"  Saint Peter said, "you must each possess
something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.  He
flicked it ons.  "This represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates", Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.  He
shook them and said, "They're bells" .

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,  "And just what
do those symbolise?"

The man replied,  "They're Carols".

                        ----====#===#===#===#====----


                             THE KID AND THE COP

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next
to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there.  Did Santa bring that to
you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation
ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a
nice horse you got there.  Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did!"

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse."
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                      And one from Digitronics Steve:
                        --------------------------------

                                 RUDOLPH

A couple were walking down the street in St. Petersburg one night, when the
man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about
whether it was raining or snowing.  Just then they saw a minor communist party
official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether
it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it
officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"

To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
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            Plus these two quickies from Mrs Digi - Maria the Harding:
                        --------------------------------


                                 THE TWINS

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family
in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."  The other goes to a family in Spain; they name
him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.  Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a
picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins!  If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

                        ----====#===#===#===#====----

Q: What happened to the newly wed couple who did not know the difference
   between vaseline and putty?

A: Their window fell out.
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             And another Christmas quickie from David McCallum, Lee:
                        --------------------------------

                                KEN IS STUFFED

A little girl is in line to see Santa.  When it's her turn, she climbs up on
Santa's lap.  Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for
Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes
with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man.  She fakes it with Ken."
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        Almost to the pics now.  But just before that, another quick one
        from over at CUB ...
                        --------------------------------

         MORE CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED

SCHIZOPHRENIA:  Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:  We Three Queens Disoriented Are

GRANDIOSE:  Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:  Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants
and...

PARANOID:  Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER:  You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll Tell You Why

SOCIOPATH:  Thoughts of Roasting You on an Open Fire...

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:  Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock...
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          Okay, to the pics and things.  This first one as passed on by
          Doug Knight and John Stevens opens with a short explanation:

   Hi everyone,

I'm sorry to say this but this will be my last e-mail.  Things have been a
bit tough lately and life is getting shorter and shorter every day.  I want to
take time and smell the Roses.

So I am going to quit e-mailing and travel full time with a biker gang to see
the country and enjoy life while I still can.  Don't worry about me - they all
seem like really nice people.

It has been nice e-mailing you, but it's time to say good bye.

   Cheers

And my great new gang: Click here
                        --------------------------------


           Then there was this Christmas song from Rowan Davidson:

Merry Christmas: Click here
                        --------------------------------


         Russell MacKinnon came across these and passed 'em over:

We like the moon: Click here

Badgers: Click here

LOTR 3 preview: Click here

"Some movies by kids at my wife's school, beats graffiti ..." Click here
                        --------------------------------


         And James Powell came across this:

He didn't get killed!  Click here
                        --------------------------------

         Solucient Darnell passed these "critters" pics on for you:

Critters 1: Click here
Critters 2: Click here
Critters 3: Click here
Critters 4: Click here
Critters 5: Click here
                        --------------------------------

                And our anonymous CSIRO lady found these:

F___ing bear: Click here
Insults: Click here
Whoooa ... Click here
Down the chimney: Click here
Santa's elves: Click here
                        --------------------------------

         One of the contributers from our Westerly list passed this on:
Girl power: Click here
                        --------------------------------

         Maria the Harding forwarded this collection over:

True friend (may be a repeat - but a classic): Click here
Bud Light reggae: Click here
Bull fight: Click here
Woman's world 1: Click here
Woman's world 2: Click here
                        --------------------------------

         And Kero passed these over:

Wah - I'm lost: Click here
Saddam 1: Click here
                        --------------------------------

       And on that last subject - Kero and Brett both came across these:
Saddam 2: Click here
Saddam 3: Click here
Saddam 4: Click here
Saddam 5: Click here

       More in the Christmas spirit now, from both the Hardings (S & M):
                        --------------------------------
Christmas wrapping 1: Click here
Christmas wrapping 2: Click here
Christmas wrapping 3: Click here
Christmas wrapping 4: Click here
Christmas wrapping 5: Click here
                        --------------------------------

       Mandy the M&M passed this collection on (which I nearly missed):

Guy's car: Click here
Well ... Click here
Under the mistletoe: Click here
Another stickup: Click here
                        --------------------------------


       Quite a few people forwarded this one on!  Malisja, Steve the Harding,
       Dave McCallum, and Lee McRae:

A queer eye for ... Click here
                        --------------------------------

       And from Nestor, our Illinois correspondent, we received another
       new sign he spotted:

I wanna be an engineer ... Click here
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       Then across to the UK and Joe Muscat, who's just completed 10 years
       of important research:

Your Christmas spirit: Click here
                        --------------------------------

       Dave McCallum found this one from over at Sun Microsystems ...
Sun's best server: Click here
                        --------------------------------

       And finally for the pics, from the Westerly list, some more ...

Christmas pics: Click here
                        --------------------------------

                                  SOUND BYTES

    Let's finish off this multimedia section with some more classic radio
    sound bytes.  Courtesy of Peter (our ex-CNN correspondent from Hong Kong),
    here's yet one more episode of that amazing BBC word quiz - My Word:

My Word #4 ...  MP3 version: Click here
                            ------------------------

    And as usual, from Geoff down in Tassie, another Dad and Dave episode.
    And would you believe - they're organising the Christmas kids function:

Dad and Dave Episode 533 ...  MP3 version: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Back to the written stuff again, and from D Murphy over at
        electricpaper-dot-ie, we just received this one ...
                        --------------------------------

                             NETWORK ADMINISTRATORS

    Scientists has found some rare similarities between Santa Claus and
    Network Administrators:

1.  Santa is corpulent, dresses funny, and drives a vehicle that's cluttered.

2.  When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you really
    want are microscopic.

3.  Santa seldom answers your mail.

4.  When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves
    make it for me."

5.  Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.

6.  Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work
    themselves.

7.  Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.

8.  Santa laughs entirely too much.

9.  Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME(H: Drive.)

10. Santa never passes up a cookie (baked or electronic).

11. Santa is everywhere but you can never reach him.

12. Santa miraculously makes things happen.

13. People only think of Santa when they want something.

14. Santa is known to work late hours without disturbing anyone.

15. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
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               Almost finished now, but one more from Biggus ...
                        --------------------------------

                           MORE PEARLY GATES ACTION

Queen Elizabeth & Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before
the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide
which of them gets in.  The angel asks Dolly if there is some particular reason
why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look
at these.  They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it
will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity."

The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.  The Queen
drops her skirt and panties and takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,
shakes it up and douches with it.  The angel says, "Okay, Your Majesty, you may
go in."

Dolly is outraged.  "What is that all about?  I show you two of God's own
perfect creations and you turn me down.  She performs a rude act of hygiene and
she gets in."

"Sorry Dolly", says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats two of
a kind."
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         Okay - to wind up the week, something different now, from Stevus
         LMS Hardingus ...
                        --------------------------------

Midnight, Danville California, heart pounding, sound of sneakers on pavement,
sockless, sweating, adrenaline pumping.  Two minutes ago I was climbing into
bed.  Now I'm running down a pitch-black street, full speed, fearing the
worst.

Neighbor's sidewalk, dark, don't trip.  KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.  Doorbell too.
DING-DONG-DING.  C'mon, c'mon, wake up!  There he is.  Open the door.

I blurt: "THE HILL BEHIND YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE.  I ALREADY CALLED 911!"

Two houses alerted.  The next one is the hardest.  It's around the corner,
nearest the blaze.  Full sprint.  Hope the fire hasn't reached them yet.  No
sirens.  How long has it been since I called 911?  Damn moonless night.  I can't
see anything but the fire, now only a patch of dry grass from the house.  No
lights.  The occupants are oblivious, probably in bed.  Front walkway is an
obstacle course.  Jump, guess, steps maybe.  Got lucky, no sprains.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK "THE HILL BEHIND YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE. I ALREADY CALLED 911!"

He's fast with the garden hose.  Does that ever work?  One more house, then I'll
load the car for evacuation.  Legs pump harder, pick it up a notch, sprint now,
rest later, make a mental list of what to take, what to leave.  Cats first,
then unfinished Dilbert strips and art supplies.  Computers.  Photos.  How much
can the car hold?

The firemen have my address.  Have to meet them out front.  Gotta hurry, but
save some energy for the evacuation.  Nah, forget saving energy.  Full throttle.
Adrenalin will compensate.  Siren approaching.  They're fast, maybe 5 minutes
since I called.  I wave my arms and point to the side street.  The fire truck
slows a beat, reads me and accelerates toward the fire.

One truck.  ONE TRUCK????  The whole hill is on fire.  I should have sounded
more worried on the phone.  It's my fault if the neighborhood burns up.
Okay, the arsonist's too.

I fly up my stairs, three at a time.  Quickly, survey belongings.  Might not
see any of this again.  Pam already put two angry cats in the car; her arms are
bleeding.  I throw possessions in empty bins.  Look out the window.  I could
hit the flames with a golf ball.  Nothing but dry underbrush separates us.
Stay calm.  There's still some room in the car.  Think, think.  What will
I miss most?  What am I forgetting?

The car is only half full.  It's surprising how little I "need" when it comes
down to it.  I sprint toward the fire to see who's winning.  A second fire truck
passes me.  Now it's a fair fight.

The neighbours gather on the street, a ragtag theatre of bed-hair, pajamas,
and gym clothes, chatting, comparing stories.  We watch, impressed, as the two
fire crews beat down the fire one square foot at a time.  They don't even seem
worried.  A dozen dark shapes on the hill make quick work of the perimeter and
methodically mop up the smaller pockets.  My pulse slowly returns to normal.
I unload the car and apologise to the cats.

I often think about that fire, and about the many ghosts that visited the
neighborhood that summer night.  I'm sure I felt the ghosts of engineers who
created a technical miracle called the phone network, that later spawned the
911 system, so I could report the fire within 15 seconds of seeing it.  And I
know I saw the ghosts of engineers who designed the fire equipment that
allowed two small teams of firefighters to conquer a burning hill.  And there
were the ghosts of all the firefighters who have lived before, having
bequeathed their skills and traditions to each new generation.  Most notably,
that night I was also visited by the ghosts of September 11th, my old friends.
Almost every day they visit to remind me to be more alert, to investigate
strange smells, strange sounds, as I did that night, until finding one window
view that revealed the flames.

Philosophers have many views of the human soul.  In the end, it's undefined,
unfathomable.  The only thing I know for sure is that no one really leaves.

Appreciate your ghosts, especially the ones you can still hug.  Have a great
holiday.

  Scott Adams
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[ End Friday humour ]

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