Friday humour - December 12, 2003

     From Davo at bluehaze:

Greetings and salutations

Before the Iraq invasion, a poll in South Korea determined that the general
populace felt that George Bush was more of a danger to the world than Saddam
Hussein.  Well - it would appear that Aussies agree.  In this weeks Age Poll,
most Aussies think the "war" was a mistake - and 45% see Bush as being inept
and perilous (see "Quote of the Year").

SBS screened a John Pilger doco a few nights ago on Bush's adventures
in Afghanistan and Iraq.  Frankly, it looked as if we were supporting the
terrorists.  But never mind - the neo-cons are happy to know that the new
oil/gas pipeline in Afghanistan seems to progressing on schedule.  It's nice
to know we're being looked after.  Apparently the US has had troops in 72
different countries since WWII.  No wonder the world feels so safe!

Well, Christmas is nearly here so here is a nice little Santa thingy - a
variation on what the Great Man published last week ... Click here

Ooops - sorry - no, that was about the general tone of this weeks issue.  Hope
you had the sound down!  I meant this one ... Click here


First up from "Hec" at the Edinburgh University

                           THE HIGHLANDER

One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to
Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped
into the middle of the road.

The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking
wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing
temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'shanter at
a rakish angle.

At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful,
slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair ...... heart stopping.

The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the
lovely girl when the red monster opens the car door and drags him from his
seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.

"Right, yon laddie" he shouts, "ah want ye tae masturbate."

"But......" Stammers the driver.

"Dae it now... or I'll bluddy kill yer!"

So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to
masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long.

"Right" snarls the highlander "Dae it again!

"But....." Says the Driver.


So the driver does it again.

"Right laddie, dae it again" demands the highlander.

This goes on for nearly two hours.....................

The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, his
sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold
wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.

"dae it again" says the highlander.

"I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the Man.

The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside.

"All right laddie," he says, "now you can give ma daughter a lift to Inverness."


   From the Solucient Darnell

                           THREE WOOFERS

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful,
enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an
effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her
at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on
themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms
and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells
them "The first one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese" together in an
imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and
cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or
intelligence whatsoever."

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you
do?" "Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said
the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb As the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little
guy?" The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse,
Is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the
Golden Retriever and the Lab and says..... "Liver alone. Cheese mine."


And a couple from Kirsten the Penny

                           COMING HOME LATE

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and
says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've
been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I
shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go
into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease
into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,
throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's
butt and say, 'How about a blow job?' ... and she's always sound asleep."



An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found
four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping
bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice,
"I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scumbags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad,
whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to unload her shopping bags into
the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was a so shaken that she
could not get her key into the ignition. After multiple attempts it dawned on
her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked 45 spaces farther down.

She reloaded the shopping into her car and drove to the police station. The
sergeant to whom she told the story nearly wet himself laughing, and pointed
to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a
car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5 ft tall,
glasses, and curly white hair, carrying a large hand gun. No charges were


>From Rumbers in the UK

                        THE LEXICON OF "MU-FI"

Trying to pick out the ultimate hi-fi? Tired of basketfuls of spaghetti-like
cabling behind the furniture? Had enough arguments over how many speakers you
really need for true stereo? Sick of worrying about backwards-compatibility
and forwards-upgradability? Surf the wave of the future - musicians!

This lexicon will probably help to de-mystify some of the "mu-fi" jargon...

BACH (BAckward Compatibility Heuristics) - Bass players can busk along to
Palestrina. S'just practice.

LIST (Liquid Input Sensory Technology ) - Musicians often work better when
you pour beer into them. Never true of conventional hi-fi.

LGAR (Lossless Global Additions to Repertoire) - Musicians can pick up new
songs without you being sued by the RIAA or ripped off by record retailers.

MO. zar. T (Mains Optimal Topology) - Musicians use less sockets. Usually.

ORF (Outdoor Relocatable Flexibilty) - Musicians can give continuous music
in-car or even on public transport. Provided the ensemble's big enough to beat
off any over-enthusiatic ticket-inspectors.

RAVL (Redundant Aspect Versatile Linking) - Triangle players can help kids
with homework.

SATIE (Seamless Active Transport for Indoor Extensibility) - Musicians can give
continuous music as you walk round the house. Provided doorways are wide enough.

TALIS (TActile LInked Stimulus) - You can start, stop or change the track,
or adjust balance and tone, just by poking a musician. When did you last lose
your finger down the back of the sofa?

WALTON (Warranty Against Leaps in Technology & OutmodedNess) - Viola players
can busk along to "Viva Las Vegas". S'just practice.

... and there's one other advantage "mu-fi" has over "hi-fi" - sensibly picked
components have an in-built mechanism for rolling renewals and upgrades. All
you have to do is make sure they don't go for it when you've got guests round.


>From Sister Carol

                                 CHOCOLATE MATHS

Try this it works, weird!! It only takes a minute.

This is pretty neat how it works out.

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST It takes less than a minute.......

Work this out as you read.

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

This is not one of those waste of time things, it's funny.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to
   have chocolate. (try for more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)

3. Add 5. (for Sunday)

4. Multiply it by 50 - I'll wait while you get the calculator............ ...

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1753....

If you haven't, add 1752..........

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number ....

The first digit of this was your original number (I. e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are .

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, IT IS!!!!!)


                   [Hmmmm ......  I've never been so fascinated.  Ed]


A couple from KeroSteve

                             DIVINE HOLIDAY

God's sitting up in his ivory tower, he's had enough of the pressures and
stresses of being number one, so he's decided to go on holiday. He calls all his
super-being mates up and they pop round to discuss a few suggestions over a pint.

'What about Mars?' says one of them. 'Nah, I went there 15,000 years ago,'
says God. 'It was shit, no atmosphere and too dusty.'

'What about Pluto?' suggests another. 'Nah I went there about 10,000 years ago,'
says God. 'F***ing freezing.'

'What about Mercury then?' says another. 'It's nice but I went there about
5000 years ago. I nearly burnt me bollocks off it was that hot. Never again,'
says God.

'Well what about earth then?' suggests another. 'You must be joking,' says God,
'I went there about 2000 years ago, shagged some Israeli bird, and they're
still f***ing talking about it.'


                              AUSSIE HUMOUR!

A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the coast. He spends a
terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of
pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge
says, "Mate we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news,
but, some good news and some really good news". "Well?" says the bloke,
"You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal but your wife is dead. Young Bill
here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He
got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead." The bloke is
naturally pretty distressed to hear this and has a bit of a turn. After a
few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really
good sized crays and a swag of legal blue swimmers in and around her wetsuit,
so we've brought you your share." And he hands the bloke a sugar bag with
a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. "Geez thanks. They're
bloody beaut; I guess it's an ill wind and all that. "Now what's the really
good news?"

"Well", the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here go off duty at around 11
O'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!..... Do You
fancy comin' with us "...?


This weeks graphics come from Malisja, Ian J, Steve from Oregon, Katherina
- Mayoress of Rugby, The Two Digis - Steve and Maria, Trina, Sister Carol,
Mandie and of course you haven't been forgotten.

Hey - some more video and sound files would be "nice" ... just mail 'em to:

Blonde bathroom laptop Click here

Understanding women Click here

Comic assortment
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Macho Macho Man
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


Back to ASCII now with an oldie from Marysville Beryl

                                BAD DAY

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him
the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.

"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."

"I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom,
and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."

The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the
house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you
say anything to your wife?"

The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. 'Pack
your bag's and get out!' I told her."

"What about your friend?" asked the bartender.

"I looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Bad dog!'"


   From Lee over at Melbourne Uni

                              THE OPUS INVESTIGATION

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS President
Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a
bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped
from the top of a ten-storey building intending to commit suicide. He left a
note to the effect indicating his despondency.

As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast
passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been
installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers
and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way
he had planned.

"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "Someone who sets out to commit suicide and
ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be that he intended,
is still defined as committing suicide."

That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have
been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel
that he had a homicide on his hands.

The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an
elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her
with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely
missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one
is guilty of the murder of subject "B." When confronted with the murder charge
the old man and his wife were both adamant and both said that they thought
the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to
threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder
her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is,
assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son
loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired
that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing
the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun
with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even
though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder
on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist..........

Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had
become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his
mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-storey building on March 23rd,
only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The
son had actually murdered himself...... so the Medical Examiner closed the case
as a suicide.


A quickie from Kaiser


A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked to review this
mathematical problem. In a high school gym, all the girls in the class were
lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then,
every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the
previous distance apart. The mathematician, physicist, and engineer were asked,
" When will the girls and boys meet?"

The mathematician said, " Never."

The physicist said, "In an infinite amount of time."

The engineer said, "Well, in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for
all practical purposes."


   From Minnesota Scott

                        WHY ENGLISH ISN'T EASY!












Quote of the Year

"George Bush is the most incompetent and dangerous President in living memory."

                       Mark Latham - Leader, Australian Labor Party

     (And in this weeks Age Poll 45% of Aussies agree with him.)


[ End Fri humour ]

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