Friday humour - December 05, 2003

>
     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         Another week gone,
     And lotsa great pics and movies again this week.  Although - one bit of
     sad news - our prolific correspondent from up in the sunny north of Oz
     (QCAT) has joined the brain-drain from our impoverished CSIRO and
     taken up a more challenging and rewarding position in private industry.

     And he's concerned that the email thought-police over there are probably
     worse than CSIRO, so it's also quite probable that he won't be in a
     position to contribute much to Friday humour from now on.  Or, on such
     a regular basis, at least.  So without giving too much away, I hope,
     may we all send our best wishes to our ex-QCAT scientist, who has sent
     in so much great stuff over the past 3 or 4 years.  Friday humour will
     be all the poorer for Rod's departure (to say nothing of CSIRO's loss).
     May he go on from strength to strength in the world of non-Govt industrial
     minerals work and have a really great time as well.

     BTW, our workplace has just centralised all email services *and* gone
     to Microsoft Exchange 2000 - and email coming in or out of that system
     is now both flakey (unreliable), and (when it does get through) fairly
     mutilated when using the non-"MS Outlook" interface (called IMAP).
     I can't even save some of the emails now (MSE appears to be violating
     the IMAP RFC as well).  So make sure you send your FH submissions to
     "fridayhumour~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au" rather than to Davo or myself personally.
     That way, they'll be processed via an open standards compliant system
     (sendmail) and we can always be guaranteed to get an un-mutilated copy!

     Enough housekeeping.  As we rush towards Christmas for 2003 (and Lee M
     over Melb Uni sent over the cutest link to a Christmas song - later),
     it's on with your humour contributions!
     -----------------------------------------------------------------------

     This one was sent in by Anna Sanderson, who was busy getting sidetracked
     from high-school report-writing last night by browsing around the 'net.

     Our Melbourne (Oz) readers will probably remember from earlier this year
     the news story about the runaway suburban train?  Well - guess what -
     the report has finally been released.  Wonder when the movie will come
     out ...
                            ------------------------

                    MELBOURNE'S RUNAWAY TRAIN - THE REPORT

Signal Box: Click here
Report summary: Click here
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             And from John over at CUB, we have something topical ...
                            ------------------------

             AN ENGLISHMAN'S DIARY OF HIS FIRST BRISBANE SUMMER

August 31st:
Just got transferred with work into our new home in Brisbane!!  Now this is a
city that knows how to live!   Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings.
What a place!  I watched the sunset from a deck chair on the veranda.  It was
beautiful.  I've finally found my home.  I love it here.

September 13th:
Really heating up.  Got to 35 today.  Not a problem.  Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.  What a pleasure to see
the sun everyday like this.  I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

September 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today.  Lots of palms
and rocks.  What a breeze to maintain.  No more mowing lawn for me.
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 30 all week.  How do people get used to
this kind of heat?  At least today it's kind of windy though.  But getting
used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.

October 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.  Missed 3
days of work.  What a dumb thing to do.)   I learned my lesson though.  Got to
respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th:
I missed Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning.  By
the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Kitty had died and swollen up to
the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $3,000 leather upholstery.  I
told the kids that she ran away.  The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat
sh_t.  I learned my lesson though.  No more pets in this heat.

October 25th:
The wind sucks.  It feels like a giant bloody blow dryer!!  And it's hot
as hell.  The home air conditioner is on the blink and the AC repairman
charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needed to order parts.

October 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.  Bloody $450,000 house
and we can't even go inside.  Why did I ever come here?

November 4th:
It's 35 degrees.  Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed today.  It cost
$500 and gets the temperature down to 25, but this bloody humidity makes the
house feel like it's about 30.  Stupid repairman.  I hate this stupid place.

November 8th:
If another wise-arse cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to strangle
him.  Bloody heat.  By the time I get to work the car's radiator was boiling
over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

November 9th:
Tried to run some messages after work.  Wore shorts, and sat on the black
leather seats in the ol' car.  I thought my arse was on fire.  I lost 2 layers
of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my arse.  Now my car
smells like burnt hair, fried arse, and baked cat.

November 10th:
The weather report might as well be a bloody recording.  Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny.  Hot and sunny.  It's been too hot to do anything for 2
damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place?  Water rationing will be next, so
my $2,000 worth of palms just might dry up and blow into the bloody pool.
Even the palms can't live in this heat.

November 14th:
Welcome to HELL!  Temperature got to 38 today.  Now the air-conditioner's gone
in my car.  The repairman came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"
My wife had to spend the $2,500 house payment to bail my arse out of jail
for assaulting the repairman.  Bloody Brisbane .  What kind of a sick demented
idiot would want to live here?
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                   This one was passed on by Maria the Harding:
                            ------------------------

                        TWO BONE WEARY PUBLIC SERVANTS

Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out.
Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take a flex.  But there
had to be a way.  One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head,
"I know how to get some time off work", the man whispered.

"How?", hissed the blonde at the next workstation.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around.  No sign of his Director.
He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted
himself up. "Look!", he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe,
hung upside down.

Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head's office at the
far end of the floor.  He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked
him what on earth he thought he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb", answered the public servant.

"I think you need some time off", barked the Director. "Get out of here -
that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another
two days!  You understand me?"

"Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off
his computer and left.

The blonde was hot on his heels.

"Where do you think you're going?," the boss asked.

"Home", she said lightly, "I can't work in the dark".
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        And as we in Oz still feel somewhat stung by the Rugby loss, Kero
        just forwarded on this one ...
                            ------------------------

                                NEW RUGBY LAWS

The International Rugby Board have today confirmed the adoption of the above
named new law, proposed over 12 months ago (indeed many thought this law was
already active).

Law 238-C: Matches involving an England XV

1) Whereas in general matches are decided by number of points scored, England
must not only score more points but also run in a superior number of tries to
be awarded a victory.

2) Games in which England score more points than the opposition in the
Southern Hemisphere shall be considered void. (This is a recent amendment,
replacing the long-standing law that games won at Twickenham are void.  The
older version was found inadequate to the developing situation.  This law may
be subject to further revision at the end of November.)

3) Games in which England score more points than the opposition with Jonny
Wilkinson on the pitch shall be considered void.

4) Games in which England score more points than the opposition and in which
any England player, supporter or indeed national offend any player, supporter
or national of the opposition or for that matter any other country, by so much
as a poorly timed sneeze, shall be considered void.

5) Games in which England score more points than the opposition and the
opposition are at the beginning or end of their season shall be considered
void.

6) Games in which England score more points than the opposition and the
prevailing weather and conditions bear so much as the faintest resemblance to
that in which most England players normally play shall be considered void.
Otherwise called the "Maori Rule".

7) Games in which England score more points than the opposition and a member
of the opposition is sent off or sin-binned for foul play shall be considered
void.  To play against fewer than XV men is unsporting, whatever the reason.
Should England have a member of their team sent off or sin-binned, refer to
clause 4 above.

8) In games in which England score more points than the opposition, but in
which the opposition score last, the opposition are deemed to have finished
the game the stronger and are therefore deemed the winners.  Otherwise known as
the "Wellington Rule" (see also "Moral victory".)

9) If England selects Martin Johnson in their side, they will be deemed to
have brought the game into disrepute through violent conduct.  The opposition
will be awarded the match and Johnson will be banned for six weeks.

10) If any England player, official or supporter ever suggests that, in a game
that they 'won', England was the better side and deserved to win, the game
shall be considered void.

11) Similarly, if any England player, official or supporter ever suggests that
England might win their pool in any Rugby World Cup, they will be accused of
insufferable arrogance, bringing the game into disrepute and England will be
thrown out of the aforementioned tournament forthwith.

12) Games that England lose shall be considered tests, whatever the nature of
the game, opposition or composition of the England XV, and shall count in the
test statistics of played/won/lost.  In the (unlikely) event of England winning
a game it shall be considered at best a friendly "A" international and counted
as such.

Laws 23:1 to 23:10 inclusive have no relevance in the event of England scoring
less points than the opposition, nor should they be applied in any way to the
circumstances or behaviour of the opposition.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                   And on a similar topic - from Biggus ...
                            ------------------------


                                LET'S RIG THE VOTE

Alright people, it's time to have the last laugh with those pommy bastards.

After the Semi-final of the RWC when England beat France, the Sydney
Morning Herald ran a poll to see if the public thought the game was dull
or scintillating.  The pommies got wind of this and flicked an email to
people back in the Old Dart to vote "scintillating".

An amazing 40,000 poms voted so that the outcome of the survey was that the
game was scintillating.

Now it's time to turn the tables!!!  At present Johnny Wilkinson is the red
hot favourite to win the 2003 BBC sports Personality of the Year.  And guess
what folks?  You can vote online!

So I suggest you get to the BBC website and vote for Tim Henman, as all the
expats over here are doing.

So follow the steps below to vote and pass this email to as many Australians
as possible.

1.  Click here

2.  Vote Tim Henman!!

I trust the people over in London copping a caning can count on your support.
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         And just before the pics - a quickie from our departing QCAT
         correspondent:
                            ------------------------

The FBI have just raided Michael Jackson's house.

They found Class A Drugs in his kitchen, Class B Drugs in his living room,
and Class 5C in his bedroom.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Okay - to the pics - and first up, something cute from Lee at Melb Uni:

Music and Chrismas card: Click here

    plus this one that Lee found a bit earlier of some nice Hubble pics:

Hubble slideshow: Click here

    and also, this movie:

Woman drivers: Click here
                            ------------------------

    And another movie, discovered by one of our PC gurus, Andrew Smith:

Pelvic power: Click here
                            ------------------------

    And from another computer person at the same organisation (Mark Banic):

An eye for ... Click here
                            ------------------------

    This one was passed on by the molecular Olivine ...

MJ on the run: Click here
                            ------------------------


    And on the same topic, from QCAT and Kero:

I am innocent! Click here
                            ------------------------

    Then, there was this great collection from Kero:

Paris: Click here
and Romford: Click here
Notre Dame: Click here
Aussie wine: Click here
Rugby replay: Click here
Sydney opera house: Click here
Kero's new house #1: Click here
Kero's new house #2: Click here
And his new car: Click here
Kero's accident: Click here
Seen him somewhere ... Click here
Another illusion: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    This collection was passed on by Malcolm in the shopping trolley under
    that pool at Mt Gambier.  BTW - if these sorts of (tall) pictures look
    rather small in your web browser, you're probably using M$ Internet
    Explorer - which has a stupid default for images called "Automatic Image
    resizing".  To correct this, click on Tools (up the top), then on Internet
    options, then on Advanced, and scroll down to Multimedia and un-tick the
    "Automatic Image resizing" box.  Presto - images will then be shown at
    their correct size:

More signs: Click here
                            ------------------------

    These were forwarded over by Digitronics Steve Harding ...

A man's life: Click here
Only 3 more of these before Christmas!  Click here
                            ------------------------

    And from Pat over at Mudgeeraba, Qld - this suggested welcome home for:

The All Blacks: Click here
                            ------------------------

              More cute pics - this time, from Deanna ...

Cartoons: Click here
A dog's mind: Click here
Bird gossip: Click here
                            ------------------------

    I think we may have already had something similar to this one from
    Biggus, but maybe not as good in quality ...

WTC improvements: Click here
                            ------------------------

    These two were found and passed over by Maria the Harding:

Salaries: Click here
One in every crowd: Click here
                            ------------------------

    And to finish off, some more sound bytes.  Firstly, courtesy of Peter
    up in Sydney, another episode of that breathtaking BBC word quiz:

My Word #3 ...  MP3 version: Click here
                            ------------------------

    And finally, from Geoff down in Tassie, some more Oz radio history - it's
    back over to Dad and Dave.  In this episode, Mabel wanders up to Dave
    and things start getting quite passionate (for Australia in 1946):

Dad and Dave Episode 344 ...  MP3 version: Click here
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         For those with an ASCII bent (or just bent), it's back over to
         John at CUB now and this one:
                            ------------------------

                             NEVER BELIEVE RUMOURS

Keep this in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a
rumour!  In ancient Greece (469 -399 BC), Socrates was well known for his
wisdom.  One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said
excitedly, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your
students?"

Wait a moment," Socrates replied.  "Before telling me anything I'd like you
to pass a little test.  It's called the Triple Filter Test.

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student,
it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to
say.  The first filter is Truth.  Have you made absolutely sure that what you
are about to tell me is true?"

No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..."

"All right," said Socrates.  "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.  Is what you are
about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ..." .

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but
you're not certain it's true.  You may still pass the test though, because
there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness.  Is what you want to tell
me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true
nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high
esteem.  It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging
his wife.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And finally, for all you scientists out there, this one from
        Bob at a Hotmail account.  Not sure if this was spam or what -
        but it looks intriguing anyway ...
                            ------------------------

                  THE UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE IS UNTENABLE

By re-analysing Heisenberg's Gamma-Ray Microscope experiment and the ideal
experiment from which the uncertainty principle is derived, it is actually
found that the uncertainty principle can not be obtained from them.  It is
therefore found to be untenable.

Key words:
Uncertainty principle; Heisenberg's Gamma-Ray Microscope Experiment; ideal
experiment

Ideal Experiment 1

                 Heisenberg's Gamma-Ray Microscope Experiment


A free electron sits directly beneath the centre of the microscope's lens -
see the AIP page - Click here 


The circular lens forms a cone of angle 2A from the electron.  The electron
is then illuminated from the left by gamma rays--high energy light which has
the shortest wavelength.  These yield the highest resolution, for according
to a principle of wave optics, the microscope can resolve (that is, "see"
or distinguish) objects to a size of dx, which is related to and to the
wavelength L of the gamma ray, by the expression:

dx =3D L/(2sinA) (1)

However, in quantum mechanics, where a light wave can act like a particle,
a gamma ray striking an electron gives it a kick.  At the moment the light
is diffracted by the electron into the microscope lens, the electron is
thrust to the right.  To be observed by the microscope, the gamma ray must be
scattered into any angle within the cone of angle 2A.  In quantum mechanics,
the gamma ray carries momentum as if it were a particle.  The total momentum
p is related to the wavelength by the formula,

p =3D h / L, where h is Planck's constant. (2)

In the extreme case of diffraction of the gamma ray to the right edge of the
lens, the total momentum would be the sum of the electron's momentum P'x in
the x direction and the gamma ray's momentum in the x direction:

P' x + (h sinA) / L', where L' is the wavelength of the deflected gamma ray.

In the other extreme, the observed gamma ray recoils backward, just hitting the
left edge of the lens.  In this case, the total momentum in the x direction is:

P''x - (h sinA) / L''.

The final x momentum in each case must equal the initial x momentum, since
momentum is conserved.  Therefore, the final x momenta are equal to each other:

P'x + (h sinA) / L' =3D P''x - (h sinA) / L'' (3)

If A is small, then the wavelengths are approximately the same,

L' ~ L" ~ L.  So we have

P''x - P'x =3D dPx ~ 2h sinA / L (4)

Since dx =3D L/(2 sinA), we obtain a reciprocal relationship between the
minimum uncertainty in the measured position, dx, of the electron along the
x axis and the uncertainty in its momentum, dPx, in the x direction:


dPx ~ h / dx or dPx dx ~ h. (5)

For more than minimum uncertainty, the "greater than" sign may added.

Except for the factor of 4pi and an equal sign, this is Heisenberg's
uncertainty relation for the simultaneous measurement of the position and
momentum of an object.

Re-analysis

To be seen by the microscope, the gamma ray must be scattered into any angle
within the cone of angle 2A.

The microscope can resolve (that is, "see" or distinguish) objects to a
size of dx, which is related to and to the wavelength L of the gamma ray,
by the expression:

dx =3D L/(2sinA) (1)

This is the resolving limit of the microscope and it is the uncertain quantity
of the object's position.

The microscope can not see the object whose size is smaller than its resolving
limit, dx.  Therefore, to be seen by the microscope, the size of the electron
must be larger than or equal to the resolving limit.

But if the size of the electron is larger than or equal to the resolving
limit dx, the electron will not be in the range dx.  Therefore, dx can not
be deemed to be the uncertain quantity of the electron's position which can
be seen by the microscope, but deemed to be the uncertain quantity of the
electron's position which can not be seen by the microscope.  To repeat, dx is
uncertainty in the electron's position which can not be seen by the microscope.

To be seen by the microscope, the gamma ray must be scattered into any angle
within the cone of angle 2A, so we can measure the momentum of the electron.

dPx is the uncertainty in the electron's momentum which can be seen by
microscope.

What relates to dx is the electron where the size is smaller than the
resolving limit.  When the electron is in the range dx, it can not be seen
by the microscope, so its position is uncertain.

What relates to dPx is the electron where the size is larger than or equal
to the resolving limit .The electron is not in the range dx, so it can be
seen by the microscope and its position is certain.

Therefore, the electron which relates to dx and dPx respectively is not the
same.  What we can see is the electron where the size is larger than or equal
to the resolving limit dx and has a certain position, dx =3D 0.


Quantum mechanics does not rely on the size of the object, but on Heisenberg's
Gamma-Ray Microscope experiment.  The use of the microscope must relate to the
size of the object.  The size of the object which can be seen by the microscope
must be larger than or equal to the resolving limit dx of the microscope,
thus the uncertain quantity of the electron's position does not exist.  The
gamma ray which is diffracted by the electron can be scattered into any angle
within the cone of angle 2A, where we can measure the momentum of the electron.

What we can see is the electron which has a certain position, dx =3D 0, so that
in no other position can we measure the momentum of the electron.  In Quantum
mechanics, the momentum of the electron can be measured accurately when we
measure the momentum of the electron only, therefore, we have gained dPx =3D 0.

And,

dPx dx =3D0. (6)

Every physical principle is based on an Ideal Experiment, not based on
MATHEMATICS, including heisenberg uncertainty principle.

For example, the Law of Conservation of Momentum is based on the collision of

two stretch ball in the vacuum; the Principle of equivalence(general
relativity)

is besed on the Einstein's laboratory in the lift.

Heisenberg's Gamma-Ray Microscope experiment is an ideal experiment.

Einstein said, One Experiment is enough to negate a physical principle.

Heisenberg's Gamma-Ray Microscope experiment has negated the uncertainty
principle.



Ideal experiment 2

Single Slit Diffraction Experiment


Suppose a particle moves in the Y direction originally and then passes a slit
with width dx.  The uncertain quantity of the particle's position in the X
direction is dx, and interference occurs at the back slit.  According to
Wave Optics, the angle where No.1 min of interference pattern is can be
calculated by following formula:

sinA=3DL/2dx (1)

and L=3Dh/p where h is Planck's constant. (2)

So the uncertainty principle can be obtained

dPx dx ~ h (5)

Re-analysis

According to Newton first law, if an external force in the X direction does not
affect the particle, it will move in a uniform straight line, ( Motion State
or Static State), and the motion in the Y direction is unchanged.  Therefore,
we can learn its position in the slit from its starting point.

The particle can have a certain position in the slit and the uncertain
quantity of the position is dx =3D0.  According to Newton first law, if the
external force at the X direction does not affect particle, and the original
motion in the Y direction is not changed, the momentum of the particle int
the X direction will be Px=3D0 and the uncertain quantity of the momentum
will be dPx =3D0.

This gives:

dPx dx =3D0. (6)

No experiment negates NEWTON FIRST LAW.  Whether in quantum mechanics or
classical mechanics, it applies to the microcosmic world and is of the form
of the Energy-Momentum conservation laws.  If an external force does not
affect the particle and it does not remain static or in uniform motion, it
has disobeyed the Energy-Momentum conservation laws.  Under the above ideal
experiment, it is considered that the width of the slit is the uncertain
quantity of the particle's position.  But there is certainly no reason for
us to consider that the particle in the above experiment has an uncertain
position, and no reason for us to consider that the slit's width is the
uncertain quantity of the particle.  Therefore, the uncertainty principle,

dPx dx ~ h (5)

which is derived from the above experiment is unreasonable.

  Conclusion

From the above re-analysis, it is realized that the ideal experiment
demonstration for the uncertainty principle is untenable.  Therefore, the
uncertainty principle is untenable.

Reference: 1.  Max Jammer. (1974) The philosophy of quantum mechanics
(John wiley & sons, Inc New York ) Page 65 2. Ibid, Page 67
3. Click here

Author : BingXin Gong
Postal address : P.O.Box A111 YongFa XiaoQu XinHua HuaDu
               GuangZhou 510800 P.R.China

E-mail: hdgbyi@public.guangzhou.gd.cn
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