Friday humour - November 28, 2003

     From Davo at bluehaze:


G'day and Yo

Apologies to the Poms who had to endure our gracious PM little Johnny
throwing the medals out to the victorious English rugby side.  He looked as
if he was throwing quoits.  Little Johnny has trouble accepting reality and
usually makes up his own versions of events.  The PM's performance can be
best depicted by Tanberg of The Age - Click here

By the way, the telecast was the highest rating program so far this year in
Oz - although  Australian Idol beat it in Vic.

Congrats to UK Joe et al - a well deserved and exciting victory.  I just
wonder why they don't kick for field goals more often ...

The Great Man is currently slaving away at Siro's annual national computing
fiasco at the 5 star Marriott Hotel at Surfers Paradise.  Nice to see our IT
guys doing everything possible to contain costs.  The last time I looked, we
don't have any Divisions on the Gold Coast.

Similarly, the Finance Guru's haven't been outdone ... they've been up there
as well!  No doubt the first item on the agenda was "How to reduce CSIRO's
travel budget".

Thanks to Tony for putting out the last few issues.  It will be my turn in
January when the Great Man hibernates to sunny Phillip Island.

I must admit the Queensland slogan is a good one.  "Beautiful one day, perfect
the next."  Spending 16 nights there recently, the lows never dropped below
17 degrees C and the highs were all from 24 to 26 degrees.  And the lifestyle
is nice and relaxed - a good place to get out the white shoes ...

I haven't been able to thoroughly read the last few issues so if any of
what's below has already appeared ... tough titties!

Worry not, Davo - I've deleted the repeats! [Bluehaze webmaster]

 -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-


   First this week, from Bonnie "Kiz" (aka Susan) of Edinburgh ...

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales
girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is
looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of
string on the counter.

Confused, the sales girl says "Sir?  I thought you were looking for some
tampons for your wife?"

"Well, it's like this," he replied,  "Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure -
if I have to roll my own, so does she."

    -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-

   From Trina

          HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
   whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned
   out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up
   to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Labrador: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can
   I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from
   the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one
   more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of
   the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the
   walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right therrre.....

13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little
    circle...

15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By
    he time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light
bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect
some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE
STAFF.

   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-

   This weeks pics are from Little Di, Deanna, KeroSteve, Allnutts, Rowan
   Davo, Russell from Bushells', Ian J, Ty, Lee, David T and you probably
   know who you are.

Motherly love Click here

Production line Click here

1960s Christmas in Bourke St, Melbourne: Click here

Go girls Click here

Sexy animal Click here

Aussie haka Click here

God's creatures Click here

Warnie Click here

Mates at Uni Click here

   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-


   Back to ASCII now, with something from the blessed Sister Carol ...

                               CAVE-IN

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed
at home to do the housework and cook their lunch. However, when she went to
the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and
there was no sign of the dwarfs. Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance:
"Hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me?"

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: "England will win the Rugby
World Cup".

"Thank God!" said Snow White, "at least Dopey's still alive!"

                     [Ed's note:  Dopey wasn't as dim as he simmed]

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The Allnutts selection

                         DON'T MESS WITH KIDS

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused
and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat,
or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in
the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow
shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

 -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-


   From Minnesota Scott

                       THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 60

1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
   either.

3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
   service.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
    room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. You can't remember who sent you this list.

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              QUOTE OF THE WEEK

   "The blanket presidential order deprives them all of any rights whatsoever.
   As a lawyer brought up to admire the ideals of American democracy and
   justice, I would have to say that I regard this as a monstrous failure of
   justice."

                                      Justice Law Lord Johan Steyn
       (regarding the rights of the POWs being held at Guantanamo Bay)

    -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-   -that's-   --all--   -folks-   -ooOoo-   -ooOoo-

[ End Fri humour ]

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