Friday humour - November 21, 2003

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

     Here are some more great contributions that drifted in from you guys
     during the week - from Digitronics Maria and Steve, Joe the Muscat
     (guess his topic :-), Peter Phillips, Doug Knight (actually Wes),
     Biggus McCallum, Gary Burge, the molecular Olivine, CUB John, Kero,
     Brett, John Sanderson, Rowan Davo (of QCAT flavour), the mob out West,
     and someone who prefers to remain anonymous.

     Our other FH editor Davo has just arrived back from the golden sands
     in the North, looking very brown and relaxed, I must say.  Hopefully
     he'll bash out some stuff next week while I'm stuck up in Surfer's at
     the Marriot.  And with luck, Bluehaze will behave while I'm gone.

     To start today's nonsense - from Digi Steve, we received this ...

                              THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK

Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball
to the anus?  It is called the anal optic nerve.  It is responsible for giving
people a shitty outlook on life.

If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't
bring a tear to your eye.

     The next one from Peter Phillips came with this covering comment: "We
     spoke a couple of weeks ago about some stuff you found on a genealogical
     site (Jean's library newsletter reminded me), and I commented that I
     had come across some bizarre occupations in a genie magazine.  The list
     in the link below is the same one as in my magazine.  ("Colourist of
     Artificial Fish", "Examiner of Underclothing", "Ferret Weaver",
     "Turnip Shepherd", ... ?????)"
      Occupations: Click here

                   And Maria the Harding sent this over ...

                                 THINGS TO PONDER

Can you cry under water?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?

What did cured ham actually have?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?  They're going to see you
naked anyway.

If a 000 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the
first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if, whenever we messed up our life, we could simply press
'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realise you haven't fallen
asleep yet.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with
something called labour!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

                  And now for something from the Wild West ...

                          SUPREME COURT WELLINGTON N.Z.

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama last week when
he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded
custody to his aunt.  The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his
parents and refused to live there.  When the judge suggested that he live
with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.
The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody
of him.

Custody was granted to the All Blacks rugby team.  The boy firmly believes
that they are not capable of beating anyone.

      Muscat Joe passed on one in a vaguely similar vein, together with
      the comment "Something to cheer you Aussie boys with.  I really
      hope we beat you in the final..."

An English guy walks into a bar with a bulldog under his arm.  The dog is
wearing an England rugby jersey and is festooned with red and white pom-poms.

The bartender says, "Hey!  No pets are allowed!  You'll have to leave."

The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate!  We're both big rugby fans, the TV's
broken at home, and this is the only place around here where we can watch
the game."

After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he
and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents
and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.  So, the Rugby World
Cup Final begins with Australia kicking off.  England gather the ball and
march like an army down-field, getting fouled at the 22 metre line, and John
Wilkinson kicks a penalty goal.

Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the
bar giving high-paws to everyone.

The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've seen!  What
does the dog do if they score a try?"

The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for three years."

Go the Wallabies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      We're almost to the pics and movies and sound bytes, but just before
      that, here's one Gary Burge sent in.  I was sure we'd had this one
      before, but if we have, it's cleverly disguised 'cos I searched for
      5 solid minutes and couldn't find it ...


A passenger plane travelling to California is suddenly hit with a severe
engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.  The impact is such that
the plane is ripped apart, leaving only one man alive.

After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy
shores.  Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from
home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor
from the crash.  He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly
he gives her the kiss of life.  After several attempts, she coughs into life.

As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is ... it's Kylie

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond,
and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly
in love.

One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love
sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow
on his face.

She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong.

"Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life.
We've found this island paradise.  We have all the food and water we could
require, and I have you, but still I can't help feeling there's something

"What, my darling?" says Kylie.  "What do you need?  I'll do anything".

"Well ... there is one thing.  Would you mind putting on my shirt?"


"And my trousers?"

"Err ... okay."

At this point, he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground and draws
a neat moustache on her lips.  "Okay.  Now, can you start to walk around the
island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"Okay dear - whatever will make you happy."

So off they set.  After an hour walking, he finally sees her heading towards
him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint, runs up to her,
grabs her by the shoulders and shouts ...

Scroll down

Go on, its worth it

"Hey, mate!  You won't believe who I'm shagging!!!"

    Okay - now to the pics.  First up, it's some porn from Molecular Olivine:

Your porn for the day: Click here

      And from Doug Knight, this one (which comes with this intro):

   Dear Abby,

   I read your recent column on the importance of "tough love," your response
   to the woman whose grandchildren were allowed by their mother to run wild
   and wreak havoc.

   My daughter and her husband do not allow me to spank my grandson.
   I've found that when he misbehaves, I just take him out for a drive and
   he settles down rather quickly.

   I have enclosed a picture of my technique - Click here

       Love Grandma

        And from John Sanderson, we have the latest in mouse styles ...

His:  Click here
Hers: Click here

        Then there was this collection from El Socio-pres, McCallum :

Beware of ... Click here
Disney truth #1: Click here
Disney truth #2: Click here
Disney truth #3: Click here
1 + 1 = ... Click here

            Kero sent these in ...

New Men's magazine: Click here
Wanna drag? Click here

               Digi Steve passed on this collection entitled:

                         IF WOMEN RAN THE WORLD

IWRW #1: Click here
IWRW #2: Click here
IWRW #3: Click here
IWRW #4: Click here
IWRW #5: Click here

   and he also provided this visual puzzle ...

Where does the 13th man come from?  Click here

    Ms Digi (Maria the Harding) sent these over - a pic plus a snuff movie:

Ready for anything Click here
Nice day for a stroll across the freeway ... Click here

              Rowan Davo up in sunny Qld sent these 2 down:

An interesting dragster, this: Click here
Fancy biking: Click here

              And this one from Brett (more snuff):

Err ... ouch? Click here

         Our anonymous lady contributor from CSIRO passed these two on:

Phys-Ed teacher's video - but perhaps the wrong one?  Click here
More urinals of the world (cupla repeats, but what the heck): Click here

        And finally - a few more sound bytes.  Some of you may remember last
        week's FH where we included a track from a CD of a rock band of the
        '60s era called "Chimney Sweep".  We asked you to guess the mystery
        lead singer (who still works at CSIRO Minerals), and this had a few
        people around CSIRO Minerals quite intrigued.

        Well, it wasn't Eric Frazer or Rex Deutcher or Rod Hill.  But the
        real mystery person passed on some more info this week ...

    "One point that your readers might be interested in is that while the
    songs were recorded between 1966 and 1968, they were never released at
    the time.  In fact, they didn't see the light of day until November 2002,
    when Viscous Sloth Collectibles heard about the material and issued it as
    a CD - Click here

    A Google search by a staff member trying to find out who was in the band
    (Advanced Search, with all the words "Chimney Sweeps" and exact phrase
    "Devil Girl") revealed a page and a half of Weblinks.  One interesting one
    is Crypt Records in New York - Click here with a picture and review.

    Another interesting one is a BOMP list - Click here - where the reviewer wonders

    if the CD is a hoax!


          Howard Allingham, Manager Accounting Systems"

       That's right - it was Howard.  Here he is on the CD cover: Click here
       Here's the band's line-up: Click here

    Howard also mentioned that they went in Hoadley's "Battle of the Bands",
    except that when they went on, the "house volume" was kept relatively
    low.  A couple of other bands then appeared with their own amps and they
    really let loose with some high volume - and they won.

    It was almost impossible to get air-play in Oz in 1967 if you were a local
    band.  One of the few ways was via 3KZ's rock jock, Stan Rofe Click here

    Yep - that good old Oz cultural cringe we used to have ... "If it's made
    here, it must be lousy!"  Anyway, here's a couple more tracks off the CD
    (I've added some reverb to the first one, but that was quite common on
    pop singles in those days anyway :-)

The Chimney Sweeps - I wish you would (1967, vocals and harmonica by Howard)
MP3 version: Click here
 or the RealBadAudio streaming version: Click here

The Chimney Sweeps - Devil Girl (1967, written by Howard) ...
MP3 version: Click here

     Finally, yet another episode of Dad and Dave - still in the throes of
     organising the new farm (and trying to avoid Uncle Clarence).  By the
     way - you can buy these CDs (and others) from Screensound Australia -
     Click here    Some interesting trivia with this particular radio

     serial: (1) George Edwards played several voices in Dad and Dave apart
     from Dad (try doing that on TV), (2) In real life, Dad was married to
     Mabel (played by Nell Stirling), and (3) I used to play this serial on
     3AW each evening in 1963/64 whilst working there as a panel operator.
     (They came on great big 16 inch diameter radio transcription discs with
     a separate 10 inch "theme disc" to play around the commercial breaks.)
     Anyway, enough of this - here comes the next episode ...

Dad and Dave Episode 343 ... MP3 version: Click here

       Back to the written stuff now and something else from Doug Knight,
       who notes "Wes (Knight) is starting to prove a good source of jokes."
       And again, I was sure we've had this one, but a search didn't find it,
       so here goes ...


It has been known for many years that Sex was good exercise, but until now
nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of different sexual
activities.  Now, after "original and proprietary" research, they are proud
to present the results:

With her consent................................12 Calories
Without her consent...........................2187 Calories

With both hands..................................8 Calories
With one hand...................................12 Calories
With your teeth................................485 Calories

With an erection.................................6 Calories
Without an erection...........................3315 Calories

Missionary......................................12 Calories
69 lying down...................................78 Calories
69 standing up.................................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow....................................216 Calories
Doggy Style....................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier............................2912 Calories

Real...........................................112 Calories
Fake..........................................1315 Calories

Lying in bed hugging.................................18 Calories
Getting up immediately...............................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately.......816 Calories

20-29 years....................................36 Calories
30-39 years....................................80 Calories
40-49 years....................................124 Calories
50-59 years....................................1972 Calories
60-69 years....................................7916 Calories
70 and over....................................Results still pending

Calmly.........................................32 Calories
In a hurry.....................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door...........5218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door............13,521 Calories

Results may vary..

            And from John K over at the froth and bubble factory:

                              BE KNOWN BY YOUR CAR

Passionate and romantic, you fancy yourself.  A bit unreliable, and can be
eccentric too.  You hate BMW drivers, but think and act just like them.

You would like to believe you are part of the new generation that is caring,
environmentally conscious and family-orientated.  Actually quite boring;
nothing more than a glorified wuss.  Will one day probably drive a Merc,
but you still sometimes wonder if you shouldn't have bought that Bee-Em.

Self-centred, ambitious, dynamic and assertive.  Can be a big show-off pig.
Likes impressing too.  Buppies and kugels past sell-by date.  You think you
will be CEO one day.  Actually an office weenie who thinks you are God's gift.

Faceless, subservient and demure (except for Matiz drivers).  To you, a good
deal is to work from nine to five, get nothing for it, and still say thank you.
And then you wonder why you don't have money for a time after hours.

Cute self-confident girls climbing the corporate ladder with ball-breaking
as their hidden agenda.  Will take everything you own if she divorces you.

You still live in the 70's, trying to cope with the 90's (don't even mention
the millennium).  A loyal, diligent worker, but baffled by office politics
and labour policies.  Next car will probably also be a Ford.

You aspire to drive a BMW.  You are an opinionated pain-in-the-butt.
The ultimate suffragette, or the boss's girlfriend (male or female!).

You like the smell of diesel and have secret fantasy of being a truck driver.

Quite progressive, intelligent and practical.  But misguided.  The kind
of person who will suggest a sub-committee to find solutions to what the
committee couldn't.  You will always maintain that a Korean car is better
than any Japanese model.

You would like to believe you are living the American dream and just love
the great outdoors.  The closest you get to it is by watching Days of Our
Lives and the Adventure Channel.

Land Rover
You are a designer person with a designer life, who always pays too much
for everything.  Designer mud comes free with the badge.  You're a closet
colonial racist and have fantasies about the Queen.  If you have a Freelander,
it was probably a break-up gift from your ex.

A Ford driver with less money.  Mostly staid boring with no image and less
imagination.  Lots of retired people drive Mazdas.  You're in the way and
should get off the road.

Responsible, immaculate and conservative.  Boring CEO clones with too much
money, or the office super-geek who can't remember what it's like to have fun.
Definitely not dating material.

Good, solid, responsible, loyal office-fodder.  You like to travel and maintain
that you can sell ice to the Eskimos.  Favourite answer: "It's a company car."

Wannabe Schumachers.  Would like a VW, but fell for the bumf about German
engineering.  Always in a rush, but never get anything done.  Kicks BMW
3 series butts because they can.  Spend all their money on trying to keep
it going.

Not as label-conscious as your Land Rover counterpart, but still suckered
into believing in the ultimate Paris-to-Dakar, African adventure.  You drive
through puddles to create your own designer mud.  You believe you've made
the grade, but everyone else knows you've got a long way to go.

Thinks France is the best country in the world and bores everybody with
your limited French knowledge and tales of the Louvre and the Sourbonne.But
Mademoiselle!  Ze c'not doo zat 'ere!!!!!


An eccentric who likes doing things the wrong way around.  Usually the one
who asks all the silly questions at staff meetings.  You fervently believe you
have flair, but it's less than that of a French cookbook.  Most probably gay.

A make-believe fool, because you'd like a Pajero but can't afford it.
Don't actually know that the engines are made in India and not in Germany

Although there are thousands of them, you mostly can't spot them in their
zero-image cars.  Toyotas are good, reliable cars and are bought by a wide
variety of people who have zero personality to go with their cars and are
basically chicken-sh_t scared people who will never take chances and will
therefore be driving Toyotas forever.  The most zero-image car in the world?,
... a white Corolla

Highly overrated for dependability cars since the days of the Beetle, but
they do have a good re-sale value.  Usually practical, sensible people who
like to drive fast where nobody can see them.  They are usually loyal to
their brand to the point of irritation due to the fact that they lost their
virginity on a Beetle's back seat.

As square and safe as the car

           Finally, there was this one from Biggus (Fifi) McCallum:

   While Shakespeare was a very wise man, you'd never know it because he
   used such fancy-schmancy words.  Now a crack team of cunning linguists has
   translated a number of Shakespeare's quotes into modern day English.  It's
   about time we were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly
   groomed scribe ...

Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
 Translation: We should masturbate more.

The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
 Translation: Only fight sissies.

Great floods have flown from simple sources.
 Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
 Translation: Let's kill all the lawyers.  Really.

Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
 Translation: It's OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would.

Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
 Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.

Have patience, and endure.
 Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to.  Or try wearing
 five condoms at once.

I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
 Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.

Men at some time are masters of their fate.
 Translation: Get married and you're screwed.

They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
 Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them.

That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot
win a woman.
 Translation: If you're desperate to impress her, you can always resort to
 oral sex.

O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
 Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis

The course of true love never did run smooth.
 Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.

I'll note you in my book of memory.
 Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after.

Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
 Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the

Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
 Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests,
 exaggerate.  A lot.

My endeavours have ever come too short of my desires.
 Translation: You've never had twins and you never will.  Get over it.
[ End Friday humour ]

 Previous (November 14, 2003)  Index Next (November 28, 2003)