Friday humour - November 14, 2003


     From Tony at Bluehaze:


            Gidday,
     Things are finally warming up again as we head toward summer down here
     below the equatorial bulge.  We're told that, even in Melbourne, it'll
     hit 31C this arvo.  And several degrees C warmer than that in other
     parts of Oz.

     Just before we start - a couple of classic quotes with regard to CSIRO
     and Australia's current "research efforts" from an ABC TV interview
     last Sunday (Inside Business).  It is humour of a sort, albeit black:

       Greg Hoy (ABC interviewer): "While sceptics wait for detail, funding
       for commercialisation is claiming non-commercial casualties. Dr Roger
       Francey has won international acclaim and major Australian science
       awards by measuring greenhouse gas build-up in the atmosphere
       globally. The problem for the doctor is it's not commercial science."

       Peter McGauran (Science Minister): "This is a shame. No-one wants to
       lose a world-class researcher. But I'm advised that in regard to his
       area of research, there is not external funding. And consequently it
       would cost a great deal of funding - in the region of $2 million or
       thereabouts - to continue his research."

       Barry Jones (former Science Minster): "This is not a priority area for
       CSIRO, although it has very significant expertise.  Why not?  Well, the
       reason is that it's against the party line.  The Government, like the
       U.S., has decided not to ratify the Kyoto Protocol."

     And the classic closing comment ...

       Peter McGauran (Science Minister): "Anybody who wants a safe sinecure
       in research or science should not be looking to CSIRO."

     If you're interested in the full transcript - Click here
                           ---------------------------

     And an interesting science/engineering link which is worth bookmarking
     if you need to do maths calculations but you don't have Mathematica or
     an equivalent available - Click here  It's handy for checking results if

     nothing else - it's a wonderful thing.  (This one was passed on by our
     Librarian in last Friday's update.)
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Okay, onto the real humour now - and first up this week, it's over to the
     wilds of South Africa and Trevor at RAU (whom, it appears, won't actually
     get thrown out of Comp Science quite yet ...)
                           ---------------------------

                                WELCOME TO AFRICA

On the grounds of a private school in South Africa: "No trespassing without
Permission."

On a river in the Democratic Republic of Congo: "Take note: When this sign is
submerged, the river is impassable."

In a Zimbabwean restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to
see the manager."

In a Botswana jewellery shop: "Ears pierced while you wait."

In a maternity ward of a clinic in Tanzania: "No children allowed!"

Also inside a Malawian Lakeside bar, "We have agreed with the Banks that they
sell No beer and we give No Credit!"

A sign posted in an Algerian tourist camping park: "It is strictly forbidden
on our camping site that people of different sex, for instance a man and
woman, live together in one tent unless they are married to each other for
that purpose."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Now over to the bubbling, frothing cauldrons at CUB for this one
       from John the Klimek:
                           ---------------------------

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day
trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was
due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to
the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of
night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too
shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured
himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak
-- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told
that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs
to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by
the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning
the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

At which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying
out loud, don't you EVER stop?"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                 Then there was this little one from Kero ...
                           ---------------------------

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened
to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mummy, God bless daddy,
God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa".

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said,
"I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day
grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the
father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:
"God bless Mummy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Oh my gosh", thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say
"God bless Mummy, and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at
the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day,
had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until
midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he
stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the
matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of
my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.
This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


   Doug the Knight passes on the odd contribution - this is a trio of quickies:
                           ---------------------------

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. it cost
me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect!."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

                            ----====####====----

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days
later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young
lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really
doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.' "

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur, be
careful.'"

                            ----====####====----

An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to His wife with
endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc ...

The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very
much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said
to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call
your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot
her name about 10 years ago."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      And just before we hits the pics and sound bytes - one from Oli over
      at the House of Molecules:
                           ---------------------------

    Some actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to
    their passengers:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know
you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to
my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in
the opposite direction".

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B
syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any
further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last
Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news
is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham,
which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security
alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable
future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All
together now ... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall ...'".

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is
closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell
you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in
a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman.
Unfortunately towels are not provided".

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then, stuff
yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home ..."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold
the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors
are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the
doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their ****** hand stuck in the door"

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause ..) Please move ALL
belongings away from the doors (Pause ...) This is a personal message to the
man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie
down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I
come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any
part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair
that you pass it round the rest of the carriage".
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Okay - to some pics and sounds and things.  First up, from Brett:

Miriam's got it all: Click here
This girl had it all too, but ... Click here
                           ---------------------------

         And from Kero:
The new Pope: Click here
Nice cloud shot: Click here
                           ---------------------------

         Biggus sent this lot over ...
The hood: Click here

   ... plus some "strange, sad and wonderful sites for you" ...

Killer code: Click here
Get an eyeful: Click here
Make money from your body! Click here
When dinosaurs danced the earth: Click here
What's for dinner?  Click here
                           ---------------------------

                  And from M&M, it's ...
Nearly Christmas: Click here
                           ---------------------------

                 Next, to QCAT and their latest invention:
Great new bike! Click here
                           ---------------------------

                          And from Maria the Harding:
The ultimate anti-virus: Click here
                           ---------------------------

         To some audio stuff now.  Andrew Smith sent in a cupla Weird Al songs:
Dirty deeds ... MP3 version: Click here

   ... and ...

Your Horoscope for today ... MP3 version: Click here
                           ---------------------------

       On the subject of songs, can you guess who's the lead singer (and composer)
       for this song from the Chimney Sweeps?  He's now working at CSIRO in the
       Division of Minerals at Clayton.  This song was recorded back in 1967 in
       a garage.  The record cover _may_ you give a hint:
         Click here

The Chimney Sweeps - Lies, lies (1967) ... MP3 version: Click here
                           ---------------------------

       And finally, some more ancient Oz radio.  First up, it's an excerpt
       from a radio "sit-com" of the 1950s called "Life with Dexter".  This
       was another weekly regular from the Macquarie Broadcasting Service (2GB)
       as heard around Oz, starring Willie Fennell.  A six minute excerpt ...

Life with Dexter ... MP3 version: Click here
                           ---------------------------

       And we may as well give you the next episode of Dad and Dave - still
       in the throes of organising the new farm:
Dad and Dave ... MP3 version: Click here

       Thanks to Geoff from Clarmont (Tas) for those two, BTW.
                           ---------------------------

       Finally, courtesy of Peter Marks (Sydney) - here's another episode
       of that great BBC word quiz:
My Word ... MP3 version: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Okay - to finish off with some more written material, let's cross
       firstly to Darnell over at Solucient ...
                           ---------------------------

                            TWO BLONDES WITH HAMMERS

Becky and Gail were doing some carpenter work on a house.  Becky who was
nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail
and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Gail, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing
those nails away?"

Becky explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them
have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Gail got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't
defective! They're for the other side of the house!."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    And to close off for the week - it's a few more from John K over at CUB:
                           ---------------------------

This bumper sticker was seen on the office door of a well known and recently
retired member of the RSL:

'If you can read this ... thank a teacher.'
'If you're reading it in English ... thank the Defence Forces.'

                            ----====####====----


                              THE TATE COMPASS CO.

There was once a couple named Nancy & Mike Tate, and it was their life's dream
to have a compass company.

They finally saved enough money and started the Tate's Compass Company.

Luck was with them, for the first contract they acquired was to manufacture
750,000 compasses for the Boy Scouts.

Nancy and Mike worked feverishly day and night to meet their deadline, &
finished just before the Boy Scout Jamboree was to begin.  On the day of
the Scout Wilderness hike, each boy scout was given a Tate's Compass to help
them find their way.

Unfortunately, it was discovered too late that every single compass was made
with the colored point of the needle facing the wrong way, so when one was
facing North, the needle pointed to the South. Needless to say, all of the
boy scouts got lost & it was the biggest fiasco known in Boy Scout history.

The Tate's compass company went out of business, but from this experience came
the familiar adage ... "He who has a Tate's is lost."

                            ----====####====----


My Aunt died in January. CitiBank billed her for February and March for
their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and
interest on the monthly charge ... the balance had been $0.00 and now is $60.00

I placed the following phone call to CitiBank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that my aunt died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections ..."

CitiBank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

CitiBank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her
to the credit bureau ... maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

CitiBank:" ... excuse me ....?"

Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you ... the part about her being
dead?"

CitiBank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!" (Supervisor gets on
the phone)

Me: ''I'm calling to tell you, my Aunt died in January."

CitiBank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still
apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

CitiBank: ".....(stammer)" "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given ... )

CitiBank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure." ( Fax number is given )

( After they get the fax. )

CitiBank: "Our system just isn't set up to deal with a death."

Me: "Oh ..."

CitiBank: "I don't know what more I can do to help ..."

Me: "Well ... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep
billing her ... I suppose ... don't really think she will care ...."

CitiBank: "Well ... the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "'Would you like her new billing address?"

CitiBank: "That might help."

Me: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 129 and plot number given.

CitiBank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?!!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]

 Previous (November 07, 2003)  Index Next (November 21, 2003)