Friday humour - November 07, 2003


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        Gidday,
      This week's load of nonsense (the ASCII) comes to you courtesy of -
      Rosalie, Jen, Maria, Biggus, CUB John, Digitronics Steve, QCAT, Douk K,
      Deanna, and Unix (kex).

      And the pics, movies and sound bytes were passed on by German George,
      Malcolm (new contributor from Mt Gambier), Kero, Brett V, John Sanderson,
      Rowan Davo, Tassie Geoff D, Darnell B, Malisja DV, Biggus, Rowan Davo,
      M&M (Mandy M), and Peter Marks.

      First up, let's have one from Rosalie (currently working over the road
      at Monash Uni - and with a new email address to match) as passed on way
      back in Sept 2002:
                             ------------------------

                HOW TO TELL WHEN FOODSTUFFS SHOULD BE DISCARDED

Eggs - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is
probably past its prime.

Dairy Products - Milk is spoiled when it looks like yogurt.  Yogurt is spoiled
when it starts to look like cottage cheese.  Cottage cheese is spoiled when it
starts to look like regular cheese.  Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk
anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it already is.

Meat - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three block
radius to congregate outside your kitchen door, the meat is spoiled.

Lettuce - Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the
vegetable crisper without kitchen cleanser.

Carrots - A carrot that you can tie in a clove hitch is not fresh.

Potatoes - Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches or dense leafy foliage.

Canned Goods - Any canned good that has become the shape or size of a basketball
should be disposed of carefully.

Mayonnaise - If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, mayonnaise is
spoiled.

Wine - It should not taste like salad dressing.

Chip Dip - If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor,
it has gone bad.

General Rule of Thumb - Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life
span of a rabbit.  Keep a rabbit in your refrigerator to gauge this.
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        And from around the same period, this one from Maria the Harding:
                             ------------------------

               12 REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX


1. You can have chocolate in front of your parents.

2. Nobody starts rumours about who you shared chocolate with.

3. People of the same sex can share chocolate without being called names.

4. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

5. Chocolate is satisfying even if it's gone soft.

6. No matter what kind of chocolate you like, it's legal.

7. You can have chocolate with a whole group of friends without being obscene.

8. If you have to pay for your chocolate, it's not too expensive.

9. Chocolate is just as attractive when you're sober.

10. A big piece of chocolate lasts longer, but even a small piece is
    satisfying.

11. You can have chocolate in the office without upsetting your co-workers.

12. It's easy to GET chocolate any time you want!!!
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     This pair just arrived from CSIRO Jen.  I thought we'd already
     had this first one but a search reckons "nup", so here we go (it was
     also received from Digi Steve):
                             ------------------------

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For
example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and
Advil is also called ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of Government experts, it recently announced that
it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud,
dixafix, and of course, ibepokin ...

                            ----====####====----

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him
for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."

In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord - they're finally together."

Leaning over to a neighbour, one mourner quietly asked "Which one do you think
he means - her first, second or third husband?"

The neighbour replied, "I think he means her legs."
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         And a quickie from that place of deep thought up North (QCAT):
                             ------------------------

A man is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he is
pulled over by the Police.

The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been drinking, sir?"

"Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving all over the road?"

"No" replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly.  It was the ugly chick
in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
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      This one's from Biggus - see if you can guess the punch-line ...
                             ------------------------

                              THE THREE LITTLE MOLES

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,
"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says
"Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but
can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can
smell is ...



Scroll down.......













Get ready.....



















Are you sure you're ready?












You may never forgive me for this one...










MOLASSES!
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                Here's another silly one from Unix (a la Kex) ...
                            ------------------------

A man walks along a lonely beach.  Suddenly he hears a deep voice: "DIG!"
He looks around; nobody's there.  "I'm having hallucinations", he thinks.

Then he hears the voice again: "I SAID, DIG!"

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches,
he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.

The deep voice says: "OPEN!"

"Okay", the man thinks, "let's open the thing."  He finds a rock with which to
break the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees lots of gold coins.

The deep voice says: "TO THE CASINO!"

Well, the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest
and walks to the casino.

The deep voice says: "ROULETTE!"

So he changes all the gold coins into a huge pile of roulette tokens and
goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.

The deep voice says: "27!"

The man takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27.  The table nearly bursts.
Everybody is very quiet when the croupier throws the ball.

The ball stays at the 26 ...

 ... The deep voice says: "SHIT!"
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       Okay - to a few pics and videos and sound bites.  First up - a new
       contributor, Malcolm Murray (Mt Gambier), who sayeth:

       "Here's my very first offering for your delightful Bluehaze.  It's a
       wee video about a bicycle rack!  Hope it appeals.  I find Bluehaze
       a great adjunct to Fridays' wind down.
           From the mongrel in the shopping trolley at the bottom of the
           Blue Lake."

Top Bike: Click here
                             ------------------------

       And from Biggus ...
Naughty Donald: Click here
                             ------------------------

       This collection (MS Powerpoint format) came from Deanna ...
Cute cartoons: Click here
                             ------------------------

       Darnell from Solucient sent these - with an intro that went something
       like this:
       "I'm not sure if you heard about this but it was a huge deal in Chicago.
       A fan caught a foul ball which some say cost the Chicago Cubs the
       chance to go to the World Series ...  This guy has not been heard
       from since that day ...

Cubs 1: Click here
Cubs 2: Click here
Cubs 3: Click here
Cubs 4: Click here
Cubs 5: Click here

 and also ... what's for Christmas dinner this year?

Err - yum ... yum?  Click here
                             ------------------------

       Malisja found some great anti-smoking material to share with us:

Anti-1: Click here
Anti-2: Click here
Anti-3: Click here
Anti-4: Click here
                             ------------------------

     German George passed this collection on ... some more classic signs:

Wendy's: Click here
Not far now: Click here
We do a great job: Click here
Magic: Click here
Another movie ad: Click here
Nice warm car wash: Click here
Buy some: Click here
Drop it here: Click here
And more beaver: Click here
And more of ... that: Click here
Okay - thanks: Click here
                             ------------------------

       Rowan Davo forwarded this on this little movie (MS WMV format):

Beer: Click here
                             ------------------------

       And Mandy passed on this collection - some more classifieds:

More classified ads:  Click here
                             ------------------------

       Brett and Kero came across this one (a real laugh) ...

Oops a daisy ... Click here
                             ------------------------

       And finally, some more sound bytes.  First up, it's a cupla funny
       songs as just passed on by John Sanderson ...

The E-bay song: Click here

       And for those of you who enjoyed the erudite meanderings of those
       classic BBC "word game" shows, this one's from Peter Marks.  It's the
       30th anniversary show from the long running series "I'm sorry,
       I haven't a clue".  It's a long one - almost 45 minutes ...

Sorry, I haven't a clue - 30th Anniversary programa, BBC: MP3 (Big) Click here

       And lastly of awley - Dad and Dave.  The bush-fire is over, and Mum
       and Dad are now buying into another farm.  Back to Australia's farm
       life (and radio serials) of 1946 ...

Dad and Dave are buying another farm ... MP3 audio: Click here
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     Okay - now here's another one of those "10 Reasons", from bananas ...
                             ------------------------

            TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9.  If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8.  The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7.  You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6.  It's okay when the person you're with fantasises you're someone else,
    because you are.

5.  Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4.  If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3.  It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2.  Less guilt the morning after.

  And the #1 reason WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX.....

1.  You can do the whole neighbourhood ...
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            And another handful of humour from John over there at CUB ...
                             ------------------------

                                    TRUST

A defence attorney was cross-examining a Chicago police officer during a
felony trial, and it went like this ...

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of
the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do
   you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer --do you have a locker room
   in the police station a room where you change your clothes in preparation
   for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life,
   that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with
   those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes
   lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called ...

                            ----====####====----


                              SORRY, GEORGE

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad!  Mum!
I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful
girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you."
"Look at your mother, George.  She and I have been married 30 years, she's
a wonderful wife and mother, but she has never offered much excitement in
the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.  Susan is actually
your half sister, so I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating
girls again. A year later, he came home and very proudly announced: "Dianne
said yes!  We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad
news.  "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."

George was livid!  He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his
father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he cried.
"Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hah!" his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to
what he says.  He's not really your father."

                            ----====####====----


                             GILLIGAN'S ISLAND

The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan's Island theory is quite simple. Each of
the seven characters on the island represents each of the seven deadly sins.
Now, this theory seems to fit upon initial inspection, there are technical
difficulties when you get down to THE MAN himself, Gilligan.

Run with me on this one...

Most obvious is the Professor, who fits PRIDE to a T.  Any man who can make
a ham radio out of some wire and two coconuts has to be pretty cocky. (His
character was later revised and given a series of his own, called MacGuyver".)

For the sin of ENVY we need look no further than MaryAnn, who may have worn
those skimpy little tops, but could never achieve Ginger's glamour. (As an
interesting and completely irrelevant side note, a nationwide survey of
college students a few years ago revealed that the professor and MaryAnn
were voted the most likely couple to have 'done it' on the island.)

And who could doubt for a moment that Ginger is LUST incarnate? Sure,
the kids were supposed to think she was ACTING, but we all know what being
deprived episode after episode was doing to her.  You know and I know that
glazed look wasn't boredom, my friends.

What kind of person takes a trunk full of money on a three-hour cruise?
Mr Howell gets my vote for GREED.

We are now left with three characters and three Deadly Sins.  We have Gilligan,
the Skipper and Mrs Howell to whom we must match GLUTTONY, SLOTH and ANGER.
As you can see, there is a Gilligan problem here.

Certainly we can further eliminate Mrs Howell from this equation by connecting
her with SLOTH.  She did Jack Shit during her many years on the island and
everybody knows it.

This leaves ANGER and GLUTTONY, either of which the Skipper had no shortage.
He was, after all, a big guy with the tendency to hit Gilligan with his hat
at least once an episode.  After much consideration, I have decided that he
can easily do double-duty, covering the two remaining Deadly Sins.

So here we have the Seven Deadly Sins trapped in an endlessly recurring Hell
of hope followed by denial and despair, forced to live with each other in
our TVs until the last re-run ends.  And who is their captor?  What keeps
them trapped there?

Gilligan.

Gilligan is SATAN.  Think about it.
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        Doug the Knight passed this on - "For all those AFL lovers amongst
        us. A nice twist at the end ..."  A variation on an oldie:
                             ------------------------

                                  THE POPE IN OZ

On a tour of Victoria, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast
for some sightseeing.  He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-Mobile
when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.  A helpless man, wearing
an Collingwood jumper, was struggling frantically to free himself from the
jaws of a 25-foot white pointer shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men
wearing Essendon jumpers.  One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks' side.
The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Magpies fan
from the water.  Then using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and
hauled it, too, into the boat.  Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned
them to the beach.

"I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he said.  "I have been told
about there being bad blood between Essendon and Collingwood, but now I have
seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope", one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has
access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he
doesn't know jack about shark fishing.  Is the bait holding up okay, or do
we need to get another one?"
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        And finally, from Digitronics Steve Harding, it's yet another
        Collingwood knock ...
                          ------------------------

                    YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM COLLINGWOOD WHEN ...

1.  A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.

2.  You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front
    of her kids.

3.  You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4.  Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."

5.  You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6.  You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

7.  A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.

8.  You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: "Carn the Pies."

9.  You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded, right off its
    wheels.

10. The market value of your car goes up and down, depending on how much
    petrol is in it.

12. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

13. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

14. You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.

15. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
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[ End Friday humour ]


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