Friday humour - October 31, 2003


     From Tony at Bluehaze:

            Gidday,
       And as Davo lies back on the warm beach up at Surfers, doubtless missing
       us terribly as he watches the world crunching past over the golden sand,
       and sipping on that perennial bottle of iced water of his, we present yet
       another load of nonsense.  (And hopefully the D-gen over in the wild west
       will receive it this week.)

       And as usual, we apologise in advance to anyone who's unlucky enough
       to be in a contract with Ziggy's ISP (BigSwamp) - although you can
       always click on the FH archive if you haven't received the mail by
       Monday of the following week I suppose (past copies are still kept at
       Bluehaze :-)

       I was really pleased to see the Oz Govt defeated in the Senate (the
       House Of Review) this week over its long-standing attempt to fully
       privatise Ziggy's ISP (otherwise known as Telstra).  The threat to
       privatise our once-great Govt-owned telecommunications giant has been
       hanging over our heads for the past 7 years, and during that time it's
       resulted in one of the biggest corporate infrastructure run-down
       exercises ever seen in Australia.  The Ziggy logic runs something like
       "Get rid of as many permanent people as you can ... it maximises the
       sale value".

       It also maximises the disaster value - and running a large team of
       "technical contractors" to replace all that lost expertise doesn't
       help either.  "Corporate memory" via a long-term solid core of permanent
       staff really *does* matter when it comes to maintaining reliability.

       Telstra, previously Telecom Australia (and prior to that, simply the
       PMG - Postmaster General's Department) certainly was "once great".  The
       Telecom Research Labs were once extremely productive, and as a publicly
       owned and highly profitable telecommunications giant, it was a world
       ranking research and engineering organisation.  But through the late
       1980s and 1990s, advice to Governments world-wide had been "Don't do it
       yourselves - public enterprise will do it so much better.  Privatise
       everything - the world will be a sweeter place!"

       Oh yeh?  For who?  Certainly not for the general public, ie: the users
       and also the "shareholders".

       Unfortunately, Governments world-wide being basically pretty stupid
       (politicians are rarely scientifically or otherwise qualified), this
       advice from the private sector to "privatise, privatise" has just been
       taken as gospel.  It never seems to cross the politician's tiny minds
       that perhaps (just perhaps) this wonderful "new wisdom" of the past 2
       decades may in fact be laced with some degree of self-interest by the
       "experts" concerned.

       Telstra should be kept in public ownership.  And built back up to its
       previous level of excellence.

       [ Extra comment, added Nov 13: For some detailed facts and figures on
         this whole Telstra privatisation debacle, one needs to go no further
         than staff columnist Kenneth Davidson at Melbourne's Age newspaper,
         who has written extensively on the topic for several years now.  Just
         Click here or Click here or Click here for all the evidence that any

         rational person should need.  Incidentally, my own brief comments
         above were based on discussions I've had with various Telstra staff
         members over the past few years, and Kenneth's analyses do serve to
         reinforce everything I've heard so far. ]

       Anyway, to all you non-swampers (:-) who are actually getting us this
       week, here's some humour to round out another week.  Beginning with
       a few one-liners ... firstly, from John over at CUB:
                             --------------------------

Did you hear the one about Ray Charles getting a vegetable grater for his
birthday?  It was the most violent book he'd ever read.
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       And from Biggus:

Q: What do you call a German tampon?

A: A Twatstika
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       And from Unix:

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane,
most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear
that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition
continuously until death do them part.

      -- George Bernard Shaw
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     Okay, onto some more serious (as in - longer) stuff.  Deanna sent this:
                             --------------------------

                          A LESSON TO BE LEARNED HERE ...

I recently picked a new primary care physician.  After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you
think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks?"

I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning
or rock climbing?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"

"No," I said. "I've never done *any* of those things."

He looked at me and said "Then why do you care if you live to be 80?"
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                     And one from PC Wallah Russell ...
                             --------------------------

An emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new chief samurai warrior.

Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills," commanded the emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opening a tiny box, and released fly.  He
drew his sword and - Swish!  The fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two.

The Chinese samurai smiled, then opened a tiny box, also releasing a fly.  He
drew his sword.  Swish-swish!  The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

The Jewish samurai stepped forward, released yet another fly, and drew his
sword.  SWOOOOOOOSH!  The speed of his sword created a gust of wind.  The fly
let out a high-pitched sound, but continued to fly around.

"What kind of skill is that?" asked the emperor.  "The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead, schmead" replied the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy.  But circumcision -
that takes skill!"
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         And something I came across last night on a Genealogy site ...
                             --------------------------

                                GENEALOGIST HUMOR

The following are some one line jokes that a lot of us who seem to have
our backs to the brick wall in Genealogical research have found that we can
relate to ...

Biochemists wear designer genes.

A family reunion is an effective form of birth control.

A great many family trees were started by grafting.

A miser is hard to live with, but makes a great ancestor.

A new cousin a day keeps the boredom away.

Add to your Genealogy the fun, easy way - have Grand Children!

After 30 days any unclaimed ancestors will be adopted.

Ancestors were just people...

Can a first cousin, once removed, return?

Cemetery: (n) A marble orchard not to be taken for granite.

Cousins marrying cousins: A non-branching family tree.

Cousins marrying cousins: VERY tangled roots!

Crazy ... is a relative term in MY family.

Cussin: what genealogists do when they can't find one.

Do I hear the rattle of chains?

Don't judge me by my relatives, I didn't choose them.

Ever stop to think... and forget to start again?

Every family tree has some sap in it.

Evolution is God's way of issuing updates.

FLOOR: (n) The place for storing your priceless genealogy records.

Gene Police!  You! **Out of the pool!**

Genealogists diet: "Fiche and Ships topped with tantalising Sources"!

Genealogists do it generation after generation.

Genealogists live in the past lane.

Genealogists never die, they just loose their roots.

Genealogists never lose their jobs, they just go to another branch!
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     And just before this week's pics - more flying humour, from QCAT:
                             --------------------------


Most people wish to fly on the old gauges at one time or another but are
prevented by the high cost of the instruments necessary for this form of
flight.  The following is a more or less known and extremely simple method
which may be used by all.

Place a live cat on the cockpit floor, because a cat always remains upright,
he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball instrument.  Merely watch
to see which way he leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which
one.  This will enable you to keep the aircraft level in route with complete
accuracy and confidence.

A duck is used for final instrument approach and landing, because of the fact
that any sensible old duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions,
it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the cockpit window and follow
her to the ground.

There are some limitations on the cat and duck method, but by rigidly
adhering to the following check list a degree of success will be achieved
which will not only startle you, but will astonish your passengers as well,
and may have an occasional tower operator with an open mouth.

* Get a wide-awake cat, most cats do not want to stand up all the time, so
  it may be necessary to carry a fierce dog along to keep the cat at attention.

* Make sure your cat is clean, dirty cats will spend all the time
  washing.  Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a slow roll
  followed by an inverted spin.  You will see that this is most unprofessional.

* Old cats are the best, young cats have nine lives, but an old used up cat
  with only one life left has just as much to loose and will be more dependable.

* Avoid stray cats.  Try to get one with good character because you may want
  to spend time with her.

* Beware of cowardly ducks, if the duck discovers that you are using the cat
  to stay upright, she will refuse to leave the airplane without the cat.  Ducks
  are no better on instruments than you are.

* Get a duck with good eyes.  Near sighted ducks sometimes fail to recognise
  that they are on the old gauges and will go flogging into the nearest
  hill.  Very near sighted ducks will not realise that they have been thrown
  out, and will descend to the ground in a sitting position.  This is a most
  difficult manoeuvre to follow in an airplane.

* Choose your duck carefully - it is easy to confuse ducks with geese.  Many
  large birds look alike.  While they are very competent instrument flyers,
  geese seldom want to go in the same direction that you do.  If your duck
  seems to be taking a heading to Ireland or Sweden, you may be safe in
  assuming that someone has given you a goose.
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        Okay - to some pics and things now.  First up, from Nicki (TBFXRD):
                             --------------------------

The Geological TLI System: Click here
                             --------------------------

                   From Doug Knight, some pics from ...
The latest NY Blackout: Click here
                             --------------------------

           And from Fifi (a la Biggus) McCallum, we received these ...

New kid's book: Click here
Another illusion: Click here
                             --------------------------

     From Maria the Harding, something to test your powers of observation:

What is wrong here?  Click here
                             --------------------------

        And another nice collection from way up North (even past Davo):

Eat up! Click here
Not enough to go around! Click here
Not here! Click here
Snow problem: Click here
Nearly lunchtime ... Click here
Yep - lunchtime! Click here
Trying (very trying) Click here
Wow, it can only be .. Click here
                             --------------------------

               This one's from Melbourne (Uni, that is - Lee):

Warm up: Click here
                             --------------------------

     And from Liz Butler, as passed on via our Russell 288 (Mac, that is):

The End: Click here
                             --------------------------

       From down the road and through the car-park - from Olivine Mads:

Halloween breakdown: Click here
Stars in 10 years: Click here
                             --------------------------

             From Ron, whilst in the US ("from Lorne in Vancouver"):

Hey, Tiger ... Click here
Beer saves lives: Click here
                            --------------------------

          And a big collection from Steve the Harding this week:

Ooops #1: Click here
Ooops #2: Click here
Ooops #3: Click here
Ooops #4: Click here
Ooops #5: Click here

    ... plus these halloween pics ...

Too much to drink: Click here
Ditto: Click here
The grope lamp: Click here
And the dogs: Click here
And the flashers, of course ...  Click here
                            --------------------------

      And from Kate Sharples (a family friend of ours), this flew in ...

Fixing up the cat: Click here
                            --------------------------

         Next few are external links, so they'll probably work for now
         (but if you click on them in 6 months - who knows?).  First up,
         this URL from Neil on our sister list out West (who notes "First
         I thought it was a joke, but now I'm not so sure ... "):

Meatshakes: Click here
                             --------------------------

         Gary found another interesting body-painting collection ...

More body painting - from France: Click here
                             --------------------------

      And from Trevor over at RAU (still busy trying not to get thrown out of
      Comp Science), who says "Back on the anti-religion bandwagon - check
      this lot out.  They range from weird to really insane ... "

Holy Smoke: Click here

        ... including the Don Martin poem about hell ...
Oh, Hell: Click here

        ... plus this current fave, Star goat mysteries ...
Stargoat: Click here
                             --------------------------

      Finally, a few audio bytes.  Those Jack Davey quiz shows from the 1950s
      have attracted a surprising amount of interest, so here's another one -
      again courtesy of Geoff down in Clarmont in Tasmania.  It's an excerpt
      from one of Jack's Friday night Ampol Shows - and on this occasion, one
      of the contestants was Louis Armstrong:

Choose from either streaming RealBadAudio: Click here
or the bigger and better sounding MP3: /audio/mp3/jack_davey_ampol_show_with_louis_armstrong.mp3

      That Dad And Dave episode with the big bushfire that we had back on Oct
      17 seemed reasonably popular too, so here's the followup for those who
      want to find out what happened ...

Streaming RealBadAudio: Click here
or the nicer sounding MP3: /audio/mp3/Dad_and_Dave_Episode_335.mp3

      And finally, an episode of that famous BBC series "My Word".  If only
      our kids had listened to these instead of watching so much TV!  This
      one was recently recorded off-air here in Oz by Peter Marks, using an
      automated system he's set up to run off his Linux PC:

Streaming RealBadAudio: Click here
or the nicer sounding (and large - 13Mb) MP3 version: /audio/mp3/my_word_01.mp3

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      Okay - back over to the UK now with this one from Brian D. McNicol -
      "another variation on a joke in last weeks Friday Humour" ...
                             --------------------------

A guy works in an office and claims to be an expert on types of wood and
that he just needs to smell it and he can identify the type.  His colleagues
bet him $50 that he cannot identify three different woods.

He gets blindfolded and they bring in a piece of oak, he sniffs it and
without hesitation says it is oak.

The second piece is pine, which he sniffs and correctly identifies.

Likewise with the third piece, which is larch - so he claims his $50.

His colleagues say double or nothing on one last piece, to which he agrees.  He
gets blindfolded again and one of the female colleagues drops her knickers and
lies down on a desk.  He is led to her and pointed in the direction of her
quim, which he sniffs.

He says, "This one is a little tricky ..."  So he has another good sniff.

After a bit of thought, he finally says, "You crafty bastards - this is a
catch.  What you've got here is a shit-house door made out of fish-boxes!"
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    And another one from QCAT - a guide to the football for Victorians ...
                             --------------------------

               RUGBY WORLD CUP - A ROUGH GUIDE FOR VICTORIANS

Twenty teams will be competing for the title of "World Champions".

This is a bit like being AFL champions, except it allows teams from outside
Queensland to win.  Each of the 20 teams represents a different country,
which is a lot different to AFL.  However don't let this confuse you.
Most of the teams are very similar to one of the AFL teams, and they even
have club songs (called "national anthems").  When you're tipping just think
of the corresponding AFL club and you can't go wrong.  Well, not much anyway.

New Zealand = Collingwood.  Appear to be top notch, and think it's their
destiny to win - but rarely do, much to everyone's delight.

England = Port Adelaide.  Chokers.

Australia = Brisbane.  Always seem to win the games that matter - somehow.

France = Sydney.  Underestimated.

South Africa = Essendon.  Not as good as they used to be.

Ireland = St Kilda.  Sentimental favourites but never do much.

Wales = Hawthorn.  Were good once.  A long time ago.  AND WILL BE AGAIN

Scotland = Geelong.  Skirt wearers and too inconsistent to threaten.

Argentina = Fremantle.  Better than they used to be, but not there yet.

Italy = Richmond.  Long-haired pretty boys.

Samoa = Melbourne.  Mystery men.

Fiji = West Coast.  Entertainers...and that is all.

Canada = Western Bulldogs.  Love a scrap.

USA = Adelaide.  Everyone wants to beat them.

Georgia = Kangaroos.  No supporters.

Tonga = Carlton mark I - enough said.

Namibia = Carlton mark II

Uruguay = Carlton mark III

Japan = Carlton mark IV

Romania = Carlton mark V

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        And whilst we're in the UK - here's another one from Rumbles ...
                             --------------------------

Ante-Script: No This Is Not Something I've Forwarded - I Only Send In
Originals!!!

         CALENDAR FOR THE TEN YEARS IMMEDIATELY AFTER A NEW BIRTH

Immediately After First Squawk

With Daughters: Give up on the idea that a newspaper can be read cover to
cover.  The next time you get a chance will be when she has read all the
articles on Art, Science, Politics and / or Fashion and discarded the thing.

With Sons: Give up on the idea that a newspaper can be read cover to cover.  The
next time you get a chance will be when he has torn out all the pictures of
sports cars and discarded the b****y thing.

1st Birthday

Daughters: Crash-proof all sharp-edged furniture, fit catches to doors
and windows.

Sons: Crash-proof all furniture with unshreddable wadding, fit Chubb-locks
to doors and windows.

2nd Birthday

Daughters: Choose earmuffs.  Local playgroup leader will advise.

Sons: Choose earmuffs.  Stage-manager for Donnington Festival will advise
(stand back - he talks quite loudly).

3rd Birthday

Daughters: Prepare for hitherto liberal parents to make worried noises about
lack of cutlery skills.

Sons: Prepare for hitherto liberal parents to sue over cutlery-related
injuries.

4th Birthday

Daughters: First bicycle.  Don't forget helmet & gloves for when she takes
a tumble.

Sons: First bicycle.  Don't forget spare nuts and bolts for when he tries to
see how it works.

5th Birthday

Daughters: School!  Stock up on cheap conditioner and nit combs.  Or an electric
nit-zapper if you're a gadget freak.

Sons: School!  Stock up on disposable razors.  Or a blow-lamp if you're a
gadget freak.

6th Birthday

Daughters: Woodcraft, Brownies or Girls Brigade.  Stand by for complaints
about frumpy uniform.

Sons: Woodcraft, Scouts or Boys Brigade.  Stand by for complaints about lack
of gun with uniform.

7th Birthday

Daughters: Music lessons.  Prepare for vast expenditure on (eg) violin,
with which unsuccessful attempts are made to play Paganini.

Sons: Music lessons.  Prepare for vast expenditure on (eg) violin, with which
successful attempts are made to play war.

8th Birthday

Daughters: Season tickets to McDonalds and Gap.

Sons: Season tickets to McDonalds and Accident & Emergency.

9th Birthday

Daughters: Average point at which she thinks she's more techno-savvy
than you.  Mug up a list of TLA's (three-letter acronyms) to bemuse and
befuddle.  Start Now.

Sons: Average point at which he thinks he's more techno-savvy than you.
Mug up entire list of TLA's to avoid being bemused and befuddled.  Start Now.

10th Birthday

Daughters: Countdown to puberty starts.  Be prepared for spots, insecurity,
rebelliousness, bizarre clothing, even more bizarre spelling, secrecy
over minor romantic entanglements, rows over major romantic entanglements,
duvet-days that last through the week-end, inexplicable mood-swings from
surly to absent and back again, furtive "alcohol binges" or any combination
thereof.  This lasts for the first 2-3 years of puberty.

Sons: Countdown to puberty starts.  Be prepared for spots, insecurity,
rebelliousness, bizarre clothing, even more bizarre spelling, secrecy
over minor romantic entanglements, rows over major romantic entanglements,
duvet-days that last through the week-end, inexplicable mood-swings from
surly to absent and back again, furtive "alcohol binges" or any combination
thereof.  This lasts for the first 3-4 decades of puberty.
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            Lastly for this week - one from Darnell at Solucient:
                             --------------------------

                 AND THIS IS THE NEW GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA

    Excerpt from an interview Arnold did in '77.  A must read ...

                          SCHWARZENEGGER'S SEX TALK

  In a 1977 interview, Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke of orgies, drugs, and
  homosexuality ...

AUGUST 27--Arnold Schwarzenegger once told a magazine interviewer about
participating in an orgy with other bodybuilders, noting that "everybody jumped
on" the woman involved and "took her upstairs where we all got together."

The California Republican added that not every muscleman participated in
the gang bang ... "Just the guys who can fuck in front of other guys.  Not
everybody can do that.  Some think that they don't have a big-enough cock,
so they can't get a hard-on."

Schwarzenegger's lewd talk appeared in the August 1977 issue of Oui, an adult
magazine published by Playboy Enterprises until 1981, and still available
today on news-stands.  (We originally reported, incorrectly, that the
provocative title was defunct).  The five-page Schwarzenegger interview was
conducted by author Peter Manso and flagged on the magazine's cover with
the headline, "Arnold Schwarzenegger on the Sex Secrets of Bodybuilders."

At the time of the Oui story, Schwarzenegger (then 29) was appearing in
"Pumping Iron," a documentary on the bodybuilding circuit.  In the Q&A with
Manso, today's gubernatorial wannabe spoke about his sex life, drug usage,
and belief that men "shouldn't feel like fags just because they want to have
nice-looking bodies."

Schwarzenegger even entertained a question about his penis size.  When Manso
asked, "Is your cock disproportionate to the rest of you?", Schwarzenegger
replied, "Well, that depends on what you mean by disproportionate.  The cock
isn't a muscle, so it doesn't grow in relation to the shoulders, say, or the
pectorals.  You can't make it bigger through exercise, that's for sure."

He added that "Women have told me they're curious about its size - you know,
outgoing chicks who're just trying to be outrageous or horny.  I hear all
kind of lines, including 'Oh, you're hurting me; you're so big.' But it
means nothing.  Bodybuilders' cocks are the same size as everyone else's."

Asked if he felt "exploited" by women who pursued him because of his physique,
Schwarzenegger said, "No, I'd feel used only if I didn't get something out of
it.  If a girl comes on strong and says, 'I really dig your body and I want
to fuck the shit out of you', I just decide whether or not I like her.  If
I do take her home, I try to make sure I get just as much out of it as she
does.  The word exploited therefore wouldn't apply."

Schwarzenegger later noted that once outside the gym, he forgets about
bodybuilding: "I can look at a chick who's a little out of shape and if she
turns me on, I won't hesitate to date her.  If she's a good fuck, she can
weigh 150 pounds, I don't care."

On the practice of abstaining from sex prior to a competition, Schwarzenegger
rejected that approach: "I get laid on purpose.  I can't sleep before a
competition and I'm up all night, anyway, so instead of staring at the
ceiling I figure I might as well find somebody and fuck."

In fact, at the 1972 Mr. Olympia contest, "we had girls backstage giving
head, then all of us went out and I won.  It didn't bother me at all; in fact,
I went out there feeling like King Kong," added Schwarzenegger.

When Manso asked whether he used "dope," Schwarzenegger replied, "Yes, grass
and hash - no hard drugs.  But the point is that I do what I feel like doing.
I'm not on a health kick."

Asked whether he was "freaked out" by being in such close contact with guys
at the gym, Schwarzenegger said, "Men shouldn't feel like fags just because
they want to have nice-looking bodies ...  Gay people are fighting the same
kind of stereotyping that bodybuilders are: People have certain misconceptions
about them just as they do about us.  Well, I have absolutely no hang-ups
about the fag business..."

Other topics addressed by Schwarzenegger included:

* His dad Gustav, who was later revealed to have been a Nazi Party member:
"My father was the local police chief and he led a very regular life."

* His early days training in Germany: "I was living in Munich at the time,
hanging out with night people - entertainers, hookers, and bar owners - and I
had a girlfriend who was a stripper.  I was an innocent boy from a farm town,
but I grew up fast in Munich."

* Southern California hijinks: "Bodybuilders party a lot, and once, in Gold's
(the gym in Venice, California where all the top guys train) there was this
black girl who came out naked.  Everybody jumped on her and took her upstairs,
where we all got together."

Asked by Manso if he was talking about a "gang bang," Schwarzenegger answered,
"Yes, but not everybody, just the guys who can fuck in front of other guys.
Not everybody can do that.  Some think that they don't have a big-enough cock,
so they can't get a hard-on.  Having chicks around is the kind of thing that
breaks up the intense training.  It gives you relief, and then afterward you go
back to the serious stuff."
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[ End Friday humour ]

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