Friday humour - October 17, 2003

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        And yep - Friday again,
     Cupla emails to begin with this week.  Davo had a strange story last
     week about a girl in her car dialing 112 on her batphone and mentioned
     that he'd tried it without luck, to which Jeff Lerner comments:

  | Tony - this won't work from your PABX because it only operates on
  | mobile phone networks.  Keep up the good work with 'Friday Humour'.
  |    Regards Jeff Lerner

     Okay, thanks Jeff.  Steve Reddock also followed up with:

  | You probably have 100 mails saying this ...
  | 112 is the GSM emergency code.  It connects to the emergency operator on
  | any network - not just the one you are registered with.  If your carrier is
  | out of range and another one isn't then it will automagically switch
  | through.  It is not an official CDMA feature so may not work there.
  | More info: Click here
  | On an entirely unrelated note, I notice that you often include submissions
  | from my friend in Scotland Ian Stuart.  You often manage to mis-spell his
  | name, which only adds to the humour as far as I'm concerned.  However, you
  | should note that his real friends call him "Susan" and this is what he
  | prefers to be known as in public.
  | Cheers, Steve

     A cupla weeks back, I included a bit of an "FH editorial comment" re the
     current email spam flood we'd been suffering since Sept 16 and mentioned
     that I'd now installed site-wide mail filtering.  Cameron (QCAT) passed
     some helpful comments re this, as did Digitronics Steve.

     It turns out that on Sep 15, Verisign over in the USA made the decision
     to alter the way Internet names are looked up so that NON-EXISTENT names
     would now take you to a Verisign site rather than giving the customary
     "Site not found" message.  That's right - every time you mis-spelt a
     web page name or just clicked on an outdated link, you would end up over
     at this wonderful new Verisign launching "portal".  Very convenient (for
     Verisign and their advertisers).  In fact - if you even mistyped an email
     address, that now ended up at Verisign too (lost any emails lately, hmm??)

     One of the other many side-effects of this unilateral move by Verisign
     was that tens of thousands of E-Mail "spam" filters around the world
     immediately broke or became less effective.  So instead of most mail
     spam being bounced or trashed before reaching you, it was suddenly being
     passed on.

     Verisign "temporarily" discontinued their change on Oct 4, but in the
     meantime, a further side effect had already occurred in that computer
     system administrators world-wide had gone into a flurry and changed
     and/or upgraded their systems in a desperate attempt to try and cope
     with Verisign's sabotage.  (Including yours truly.)  And in many cases,
     they've since broken their systems and lost email.

     That's a long, technical explanation but it may give you some idea of the
     reasons for much of the 'net being somewhat broken at the moment.  I just
     hope there's a class action launched against Verisign.  To read more about
     it all, Click here

      Okay - to da jokes, and first cab off the rank this week is QCAT with
      some more classic kid's quotes:

                                   KIDS THEOLOGY

1.  Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter.
    There is nothing good in there now.

2.  Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a
    puppy.  I never asked for anything before.  You can look it up.

3.  Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come
    apart.  I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.

4.  Dear God, If we come back as somebody else, please don't let me be
    Jennifer Horton - because I hate her.

6.  God, I read the bible.  What does begat mean?  Nobody will tell me.
      Love, Alison

7.  Dear God, How did you know you were God?  Who told you?

8.  Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf
    words in the house?

9.  Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the
    whole world.  There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.

10. Dear God, Did you really mean "Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You?"
    If you did then, I'm going to get even with my brother.

11. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them.  You really
    made up some good ones.  I like the one about walking on water, too.

12. Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy.
    How far back do you go?
      Love, Dennis

13. Dear God, Do you draw the lines around the countries?  If you don't,
    who does?

14. Dear God, It's okay that you made different religions but don't you get
    mixed up sometimes?

15. Dear God, Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an

16. Dear God, In Bible times, did they really talk that fancy?

17. Dear God, What does it mean you are a jealous God?  I thought you
    had everything you wanted.

18. Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and
    don't do any now?

19. Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year.

20. Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they
    each had their own room.  It works out OK with me and my brother.

21. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet.
    What's up?  Don't forget.

22. Dear God, You don't have to worry about me.  I always look both ways before
    I cross the street.

23. Dear God, My brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't
    sound right.  What do you say?

24. Dear God, If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.

25. Dear God, Is Reverend Coe really a friend of yours, or do you just know
    him through the business?

26. Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what you do for a job.  Who does
    it when you are on vacation?

27. Dear God, In school we read that Thomas Edison made light, but in Sunday
    School they said you did it first.  Did he steal your idea?
      Sincerely, Donna

28. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you.  Well,
    I just want you to know that.  I am not just saying that because you
    are already God.

29. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right
    place.  Why can't you do that with the moon?

30. Dear God, I am doing the best I can.  Really.

31. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset
    you made on Tuesday night.  That was really cool.

    Over to John who's still tearing his hair out with the PLCs at CUB ...

A question from the audience during a recent Dr. Science appearance:

"If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from


Two Fathers and Two Sons are fishing.  Each person caught a fish, so why are
there only three fish?


Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are locked in the midst of a great battle
when suddenly Darth Vader says:
"Luke - hsssst ... I know what you are getting for Christmas"

Luke doesn't say anything and simply carries on fighting.

A while later Darth repeats himself.
"Luke - hsssst ... I know what you are getting for Christmas"

Luke, annoyed at the interuption, says:
"Okay Darth, how do you know what I am getting for Christmas?"

Darth replies "Because I felt your presents"

     And just before the pics and things - something from Dave McCallum:

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project.  It's a drama about famous
composers, starring top stars.  Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis
and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.  Spielberg was prepared to allow
them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were
very famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart.  I would love to play

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw
me playing the piano," said Willis.

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal.

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."
Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

Arnold said, "I'll be Bach."

      Here are the pics and assorted noises for the week.  This first one
      was sent across by John Stevens and Brett:

Holden vs Ford: Click here

      And from Kero, son of Tony K:
New Beetle: Click here
Aberdonian Toilet paper: Click here
Men and Lycra: Click here
Why South Africans like Rugby: Click here
Rest stop: Click here

     Maria the H sent this one over:
Arrr, missed the damn boat ... Click here

     And Darnell over at Solucient tossed these across the aether (and they're
     a titch rude) ...
Puff, the magic dragon: Click here
Morning after: Click here

     John Sanderson found this:
Don't smoke: Click here

     And from QCAT, we have ...
The Oz postie! Click here
Style: Click here

     Then, Rowan Davidson came across this view from Michael Shumacher's
     cockpit: Click here

     David McCallum found this GIF plus a commercial ...
Roy: Click here
A great send-off: Click here

     Brett came across this one - actually good O H & S fodder:
Hot cans: Click here

     Olivine over in t'other Division discovered that A3 is too small ...
More needed: Click here

     That's about it for the mainstream material.  For those of you who
     enjoyed hearing that episode of Dad and Dave back on Aug 22nd, here's
     another one.  I might include a few of these over the next cupla months,
     more or less in episodic order, since the first one seemed pretty
     popular.  Sent over by Geoff down in Clarmont (Tas), this is episode
     334.  Recorded in Oz around 1946, this is Dad and Dave with the first
     episode in the saga of the big bushfire ...

Listen to either the (streaming) RealBadAudio version: Click here
or the MP3 (download or stream) version: Click here
NB: To stream MP3 files, copy/paste the link into Winamp or Media Player,
    or you can download it first and then play it locally at your leisure.

      Okay - back to the written word.  This one was given to me by Rosie
      (my daughter), who got it from her year 12 physics teacher, who'd got
      it from a Dutch newspaper and translated it ...

          By Theo Jansen (Translated from a Dutch newspaper column)
          published in "The Volkskrant", Saturday 28/9/96


Am I right?  You are reading the newspaper again?  Every time I address you,
you are reading the newspaper.  Do you ever do anything else?

Some years ago. when I was a teacher, I couldn't stand it if someone in
my class was reading the newspaper.  She or he could count on a rap on
the knuckles.  You are always reading the paper, am I to just accept that?

Well, all right, continue to read a bit more.  No, don't put it away!  There is
no other way, it is the fate of our relationship: I write, so you read.

I have a similar relationship with my own mirror image.  That is always looking
at me.  (I don't know it any different than looking straight at me.  I ask
myself if my mirror image imitates me when I look the other way or if it
continues to stare at me.

Yesterday when my partner and I were standing in front of the bathroom mirror,
I asked her if my mirror image also turned around when I did.  She, used to
my sense of humour: "No, it continues to look at you".

Maybe she's right - I'll never be sure.  The only thing I do know for sure
is that my alter ego will always be there whenever I glance at a mirror.
Apparently my mirror image is running along with me behind the wall to make
it on time to the next mirror.  He is there waiting for me and stares straight
ahead.  The moment I arrive, it seems to have been standing there all along.
I cannot detect any residual movement.

The strange thing is that this reality is created by observation.  Something
similar happens with very small particles, at least according to the so-called
Copenhagen Interpretation of Quantum mechanics.

It presumes that an electron only becomes a particle the moment you look at it.
 When you turn around, it behaves like a wave.

This last behaviour can be seen when electrons are accelerated towards a
crystalline grid.  On the photographic plate behind the crystal, a pattern
typical for wave motion is formed.  It is an interference pattern.  At some
points, the waves reinforce each other and at others they cancel each other.

As a group, electrons behave like so-called probability waves that can cancel
and reinforce.

However, as soon as we observe an individual electron, it is a particle.
It is impossible to observe an individual electron without destroying it's
wavelike qualities.  As soon as you look at it, it is there!

And so I am 100% sure that you are reading this.  As soon as I address you,
you start to read.  I don't know you other than reading.  When I turn around
and consider you as a group, you immediately start shopping, driving cars,
cycling, walking ...

        Another couple of contributions from El Presidente Biggus:


                               PUBLIC HEALTH ADVISORY

There is a new Virus called "work".  If you receive "work" from your colleagues,
your boss, via e-mail or anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances.
This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen come in contact with this virus, put on your jacket and
take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub.  Order three or more
drinks and after repeating 4 times, you will find that "work" has been
completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least 5 friends.  Should you
realise that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already
infected by this virus and "work" already controls your whole life.
Please quarantine yourself at home for 14 days, avoiding all contact with
people and 'work' until the virus has run its course.


A policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognising a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a
picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would
you recognise him?"

The first blonde answers "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only
has one eye."

The policeman says "Well ... uh ... that's because the picture shows his

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture
for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her, "This is your suspect,
how would you recognise him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says "Ha!  He'd be easy to
catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?  Of course
only one eye and ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile!  Is
that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde
and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognise

He adds quickly, "Think hard before giving a stupid answer."

The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says "Hmmm ... the
suspect is wearing contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn't know
himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that is a good answer.  Wait here for a few minutes while I check
his file, and I'll get back to you on that."  He leaves the room and goes to
his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer and comes back with
a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow!  I can't believe it ... it's TRUE!  The suspect does in fact wear contact
lenses.  Good work!  How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"Easy" the blonde replied. "He can't wear glasses because he only has one
eye and one ear!"

             Nearly done now, but one more from over at CUB first ...

                           PROGRAMMER'S TOP 17 PHRASES

      - We are still pis_ing in the wind.

      -  We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

      - We know who to blame.

      - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.

      - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

      - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.

      - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

      - The only person who understood the thing quit.

      - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

      - Forget it!  We have enough problems for now.

      - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

      - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere
        with what we've already done.

       - I can't wait to hear this bull!

       - Come into my office, I'm lonely.

       - Code not interchangeable with the previous design.

       - It finally worked!

       - Impossible to fix if broken.

         Arrrr, what the heck - let's grab another one from sunny QCAT ...

                         WHAT EACH STAR SIGN SAYS AFTER $EX

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again."

Taurus: "I'm hungry - pass the pizza."

Gemini: "Have you seen the TV remote?"

Cancer: "When are we getting married?"

Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"

Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."

Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."

Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."

Sagittarius: "Don't call me - I'll call you."

Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"

Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off."

Pisces: "What did you say your name was?"

           And the QUOTE OF THE WEEK:

   The philosophy exam was a piece of cake.  Which was a bit of a surprise,
   actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.
           --- Smith & Jones

[ End Friday humour ]

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