Friday humour - October 10, 2003

     From Davo at bluehaze:


Greetings and salutations!

Spring is in the air - and before checking out the funnies this week try
this little test sent in by Brett.  Very spooky ... Click here

Our interesting web site for this week is the Melbourne Docklands - if you
can't visit in real time take a virtual tour: Click here

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   First up, from Bonnie Scott Ian

                     ACTUAL LONDON TUBE ANNOUNCEMENTS

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know
you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to
my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go
in the opposite direction."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E &
B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any
further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last
Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news
is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham,
which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, butt here is a security
alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the
foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time
together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'"

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is
closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could
tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that."

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a
registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced
in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and
gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST! (pause...) Oh go on then, stuff
yourselves in like sardines, see if I care: I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold
the doors open'. These are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the
doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into
the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their f****ng hand stuck in the
door."

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
carriage: what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (pause...) Please move ALL
belongings away from the doors (pause...) This is a personal message to the
man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: put the pie
down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I
come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on
any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only
fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

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   From Trina

                                THE HITMAN...

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind
if join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the
game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the
friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my
tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a
look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up
the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's
that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her ....... He's
naked as well! The bitch!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.
Then the neighbour, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his
dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few
minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can
save you a grand here....."


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   From Katharina from Greater Rugby (Oz)

(Hey, a local yokel went to the Rugby Library last week and was most upset -
 someone had already borrowed the book.)


                             SENIOR MOMENTS

                                 ROMANCE

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said:
"You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across,
held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled
down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my
neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you
going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

                            I CAN HEAR JUST FINE

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing
golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

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   From David T

                               PRIZE WINNER

A man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on a table beneath a big sign
that reads "$2,000 Cash Prize! See bartender for details." Keeping one eye
on the stack of money, the man goes over and asks the bartender what he has
to do to win the prize.

"You have to do three things and its all yours," the bartender says. "Just
three things?" the guy asks, rubbing his hands now and practically
salivating at the thought of walking out of the bar $2,000 richer.

"What are the three things?"

1: "Well," the bartender says, "first you have to go over to that 200-pound
bouncer and knock him out.

2: After that, I've got a mean-tempered pitbull in the backroom who needs a
tooth pulled.

3: Then you have to go and have sex to the 80-year-old lady who lives
upstairs."

"No problem," the guy says.

He struts over to the bouncer and says, "Hey pal your shoelace is untied."
When the bouncer looks down at his shoes, the man flattens him with a
single, solid uppercut.

Next he heads to the back room where the pitbull is housed. The bartender
can hear a tremendous commotion from the back room--it sounds like the
pitbull has gone crazy. After a few minutes the man emerges from the
backroom, quite bloody and cut up and breathing heavily.

"Okay," he says, "where's that old lady who needs her tooth pulled?."

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   This weeks pic files come from Jas, Kai Howells, Dave Allnutts, Beau Brett,
   Stevo, DigiSteve, M&M, Rowan Davo, Katharina from Rugby, and ... sorry my
   files are in a mess.

Moods: Click here
Michael Shumacher's view from the pit: Click here
Cat burglar: Click here
Today's blessing: Click here
Hmmmmm? Just friends? Click here
This is deep Click here
How fights get started: Click here
Smoking bum: Click here
Bra sizes (repeat): Click here
Life: Click here
Modest BBQ: Click here
Colliwobbles: Click here
Special edition: Click here
Die Fledermaus ref! Click here
  (NB: If that last one above won't play for you via your favourite web browser,
   just copy-paste the link directly into M$ Media Player)

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   [ David Allnutts sent us this tip of the week.  Try it ... It doesn't work
     from our PABX ]

                            EMERGENCY PHONE NO.112

   This number also exists here in Australia.  Read it and send it to all
   your friends!

I never even knew about this 112 feature.  This actually happened to someone's
daughter.  Lauren was 19 yrs old and in college.  The story takes place over
the Christmas/New Year's holiday break.

It was the Saturday before New Year's and it was about 1 PM in the afternoon,
and Lauren was driving to visit a friend. An unmarked police car pulled up
behind her and put his lights on.

Lauren's parents have 4 children (high school and college age) and have always
told them never to pull over for an unmarked car on the side of the road,
but rather wait until they get to a gas station, etc.  Lauren had actually
listened to her parents' advice, and promptly punched in 112 on her bat-phone
to tell the police dispatcher that she would NOT pull over right away. She
proceeded to tell the dispatcher that there was an unmarked police car with
a flashing red light on his rooftop behind her.

The dispatcher checked to see if there was in fact a police car at Lauren's
location, and there wasn't.  So he told her to keep driving, remain calm, and
that he had back-up on the way.

Ten minutes later, 4 cop cars surrounded her and the unmarked car behind her.
One policeman went to her side and the others surrounded the car behind. They
pulled the guy from the car and tackled him to the ground.  The man was a
convicted rapist and wanted for other crimes.

I'd never heard that bit of advice, but especially for a woman alone in a
car, you should not pull over for an unmarked car.  Apparently police have
to respect your right to keep going to a "safe" place. You obviously need
to make some signals that you acknowledge them (i. e., put on your hazard
lights) or call 112 as Lauren did. (Too bad that the bat-phone companies don't
give you this little bit of wonderful information.)

So now it's your turn to let your friends know about 112. This is useful
information that I didn't know.   Pass this on to any girls you know.

  [ Bit sexist!  Maybe just pass it on to anyone you know?  Ed.]

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   A classic from Biggus

     CARLTON FOOTBALL CLUB - ANNUAL REPORT ELECTRONIC VERSION

PRESIDENT'S REPORT

It is with great pleasure that I submit this edited email version of the
2003 Annual Report to the members of the Carlton Football Club.

2003 was a year of great change for the Blues. I changed the name of the
John Elliott Stand, and Denis Pagan changed his 1998 Mitsubishi for a brand
new BMW.  On-field, Carlton shocked the football world by avoiding the spoon -
and to be honest, I was pretty surprised myself. I would like to leave all
loyal members with the message that the only way is up, but given that we
finished 15th, I can't.

Ian Collins General Manager, Telstra Dome
___________________________________

COACHES REPORT

After our record Round 22 thrashing at the hands of my former club I was
asked whether I regretted making the move to Carlton. As I have said
previously - NO! The money's good and you get September off. Let's face it,
a secondary school teacher gets just $40,000 a year and I got 800 big ones
and couldn't even teach Luke Livingston how to punch from behind. I eagerly
look forward to next year and the CPI rise that accompanies it.

Denis Pagan, Millionaire (Semi-Retired)
___________________________________

FINANCE REPORT

There is both good and bad news in this year's financial report for the
Carlton Football Club. Whilst the club saved $350,000 in under the table
payments, we lost our major Ground Sponsor in Optus. I would like to assure
all Carlton members that every effort was made to re-secure the
tele-communications giant. In an official statement to the club on September
4, Optus Marketing Manager, Jeremy Scholes stated; "Our marketing slogan is
'Yes' but in the case of the Carlton Football Club, Optus is willing to make
an exception". The club is making every effort to find a replacement for
Optus. Phone retailer, Crazy John's was contacted but we were told that
whilst John might be crazy, he's not completely insane. We received a
similar response from whitegoods specialist Kenn Bruce. Undeterred, the club
is now looking at companies whose name could become synonymous with the
Carlton Football Club. At present we are in discussions with discount
retailer Going, Going Gone, anti smoking organisation Quit and sporting
goods manafacturer Everlast. An announcement is expected shortly.

Ivan Szer Finance and Bad-Will
___________________________________

2003 AWARDS

Best and Fairest - Lawrence Angwin We would like to congratulate Lawrence
Angwin who walked away with the Best and Fairest trophy on the night.
Unfortunately, it was actually won by Camporeale. Police are currently
investigating.

Best and Fattest - Lance Whitnall Lance once again wins a trip to Camp Eden
on the Gold Coast and is only one year away from becoming a life member at
the health resort.

Best Clubman - Justin Murphy No Carlton player spent more time in clubs this
year than Justin. Heat, Mercury Lounge, Motel, QBar you name the club,
Justin was there. He is a worthy recipient of best clubman.

Mark For the Year - Barnaby French Barnaby took his one mark for the year in
Round 21 against Hawthorn.

Coaches' Award - Mick Martyn As every Carlton supporter has worked out,
Denis loves Mick.

___________________________________


This electronic publication remains the property of the Carlton Football Club
and its subsidiary companies Gregwilliams Inc.

Trading as Williams Construction Pty, Ltd. & Senor Deisel's Mexican Hacienda
Pty, Ltd. The Carlton Football Club takes no responsibility for the performance
of its players, its coaching staff or management. By reading this electronic
publication you indemnify the Carlton Football against any loss incurred
through pain or suffering received whilst watching the Carlton Football Club,
hearing about the Carlton Football Club or reading about the Carlton Football
Club. The Carlton Football Club takes no responsibility for the conduct of
its player on or off the playing field. If you are physically assaulted by
Messrs, Fevola, Lappin, Angwin or Beaumont this club limits compensation to
no greater than AUD $500.

For a full copy of the Carlton Football Club Annual Report, send $50.00
dollars to Greg Williams, Stephen Silvagni, Craig Bradley, Fraser Brown or
Stephen O'Reilly in an envelope labelled Best Wishes on your Barmitzvah.

This has been an official publication of the Calton Football Club

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Editorial of the week:

 "Riding a wave of legitimate voter anger against the usual political
  games in Sacramento, Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger has won the office
  of governor. He must follow his pledge to lead all of California, and
  the politicians who opposed him must now work cooperatively. We do not
  believe that the recall was the best way to achieve fundamental reform.
  But the campaign is over. The governing must begin."

                          - The Los Angeles Times, Oct 8 2003

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[ End Fri humour ]


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