Friday humour - October 03, 2003

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

          Yo,
     It's probably a bit late to be mentioning this, but don't be fooled by
     any of those so-called "Microsoft Update/Patch" spam emails that are
     flying all over the planet at the moment.  Microsoft DO NOT email updates.
     The emails are all fake.  They're generated by PCs that have been
     infected by the W32.Swen.A@mm virus.  If you're interested,
     Click here  If you've been infected, Click here then type in "w32.swen" and

     go to the 1st or 2nd link (latter has removal details).

     I received 670 of these emails over a period of 4 days a cupla weeks ago.
     Each had a 145K attachment ... most annoying.  The only slight upside was
     that it prompted me to look into methods of site-wide spam filtering, so
     Bluehaze (and our sendmail server at work) are now bouncing 99% of them
     back to the sender (often with rather rude return messages :-)

     Now to real humour (for those of you who have been smart enough or
     lucky enough to have remained un-infected).  There are a lot of long
     contributions this week, and that's blown things out a bit.  Anyway,
     let's start with a couple from M&M ...
                               -------------------

Q: Why does an elephant have four feet?
A: Because in the animal kingdom, six inches just doesn't cut it.

                                 ----======----

A lady with a frog stuck to her head comes to the doctor's office.

When the doctor asked her what's wrong, the frog says, "I got something stuck
on my arse."

                                 ----======----

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute?
A: A two-ton pick-up.

                                 ----======----

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush
tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises and
on the other end is a weight.  After a while, the weight stretches the penis
to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife
looked down at him and said, "Whadaya say we try the African string-and-weight
procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal
experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied

"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"

"No, it's turned black."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    And from that maker of malt drinks and other intaxicating beverages:
                               -------------------

A policeman pulls over a driver who has a VB label stuck to his forehead.

The policeman says "Have you been drinking?"

The driver replies "No, I've given up.  I'm on the patches now."

                                 ----======----

                                MORE STELLAS

Ever since a jury ordered McDonald's to pay more than $2m damages to
81-year-old Stella Liebeeck after she spilt coffee and scalded herself,
the annual "Stella" award has been granted to the person who successfully
brings the most ridiculous lawsuit in AMERICA.  There have been plenty to
choose from since then:

Carl Truman, of Los Angeles, won $74,000 and medical expenses from a neighbor
who drove his car over Truman's hand.  Truman was lying on the ground, out
of sight, stealing the hubcaps.

Burglar Terrence Dickson, from Pennsylvania, lived for eight days on Pepsi
and dry dog biscuits after a faulty electric door trapped him in the garage
of the home he had just robbed.  The home owner was ordered to pay $500,000
for Dickson's mental anguish.

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 after being
bitten by a beagle chained in its owner's yard.  Williams had climbed into
the yard and was taking pot-shots at the beagle with a pellet gun.

A Philadelphia restaurant had to pay $113,500 to Amber Carson after she
injured herself by slipping on a can she had thrown on the floor during an
argument with her boyfriend.

Kara Walton, of Delaware, won $12,000 and dental expenses from a nightclub
after falling from a bathroom window.  The accident happened as she was trying
to climb through the window to avoid paying the $3.50 entrance fee.

Pennsylvania state Rep.  Jane Baker, 56, said she will run for a second term
next year even though she told a jury recently that injuries from a traffic
accident had left her largely cognitively disabled.  Baker, who lives near
Allentown, said she needs help with reading and understand material and
carrying on conversations due to head injuries and told the jury that in fact
she is virtually unemployable except for her position in the Legislature.  The
jury awarded her $2.9 million in November.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Now up North to sunny Qld (where Kerri just spent 2 beautiful weeks
      and came back as brown as an aboriginal) with this collection from
      the Qld Centre for Advanced Techy thingees ...
                               -------------------

                              HOW SEXY IS YOUR NAME?

   According to studies, the first letter of your first name reveals your
   sexual characteristics:

A: You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action.  You
mean business.  With you, what you see is what you get.  You have no patience
for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy,
cute, demure, and subtly enticing.  You are an up front person.  When it comes
to sex, it's action that counts not obscure hints.  Your mate's physical
attractiveness is important to you.  You find the chase and challenge of the
"hunt" invigorating.  You are passionate and sexual as well as being much
more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising
these qualities.  Your physical needs are your primary concern.

B: You give off vibes of lazy sensuality.  You enjoy being romanced, wined, and
dined.  You are very happy to receive gifts as an expression of the affection
of your lover.  You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate.  You
are private in your expression of endearments and particularly when it comes
to lovemaking.  You will hold off until everything meets with your approval.
You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be.  You require
new sensations and experiences.  You are willing to experiment.

C: You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have
a relationship.  You require closeness and togetherness.  You must be able
to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after.  You want the object
of your affection to be socially acceptable and good looking.  You see your
lover as a friend and companion.  You are very sexual and sensual, needing
someone to appreciate and almost worship you.  When this cannot be achieved,
you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity.  You
are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.

D: Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam
ahead in pursuit.  You do not give up your quest easily.  You are nurturing and
caring.  If someone has a problem, this turns you on.  You are highly sexual,
passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes possessive
and jealous.  Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed.  You are stimulated by
the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open spirit.

E: Your greatest need is to talk.  If your date is not a good listener, you
have trouble relating.  A person must be intellectually stimulating or you
are not interested sexually.  You need a friend for a lover and a companion
for a bedmate.  You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good
argument once in a while it seems to stir things up.  You flirt a lot, for the
challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once you give
your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal.  When you don't have a good
lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book.  Sometimes,
in fact, you prefer a good book.

F: You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal.  You look
for the very best mate you can find.  You are a flirt, yet once committed, you
are very loyal.  You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate.  Publicly,
you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant.  You are born romantic.  Dramatic
love scenes are your favourite fantasy pastime.  You can be a very generous
lover.

G: You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover.
You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one
who can enhance your status.  You are sensuous and know how to reach the
peak of erotic stimulation, because you work at it meticulously.  You can be
extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time.  Your duties and
responsibilities take precedence over everything else.  You may have difficulty
getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting close sexually.

H: You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability.
You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment.
Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner.  Before the commitment,
though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits and equally
cautious in your sexual involvement.  You are a sensual and patient lover.

I: You have a great need to be loved, appreciated... even worshipped.
You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh.  You look for lovers
who know what they are doing.  You are not interested in an amateur, unless
that amateur wants a tutor.  You are fussy and exacting about having your
desires satisfied.  You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual
expression.  You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change.
You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.

J: You are totally f___ing marvellous!

K: You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love.  Having a partner
is of paramount importance to you.  You are free in your expression of love
and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences, provided it's
all in good taste.  Brains turn you on.  You must feel that your partner is
intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain
the relationship.  You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know
that you're being appreciated.

L: You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love
means to suffer.  You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who
have unusual troubles.  You see yourself as your lover's saviour.  You are
sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy.  You can't help falling in love.
You really enjoy stimulating yourself, though you are fairly new to it.
You fantasise and get turned on by movies and magazines.  You do not tell
others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies.  You are the ideal
sex machine, seducing others with mind, eyes, body and lips.

M: You are emotional and intense.  When involved in a relationship, you
throw your entire being into it.  Nothing stops you; there are no holds
barred.  You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate
and intense.  You believe in total sexual freedom.  You are willing to try
anything and everything.  Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible.
You also enjoy mothering your mate.

N: You are crap in bed.  Much practice and learning is needed.

O: You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy
about your desires.  You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into
making money and/or seeking power.  You can easily have extended periods
of celibacy.  You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring
the same qualities from your mate.  Sex is serious business; thus you
demand intensity and diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone.
Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.

P: You are very conscious of social proprieties.  You wouldn't think of
doing anything that might harm your image or reputation.  Appearances
count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner.  You also require an
intelligent partner.  Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy;
A good fight stimulates those sex vibes.  You are relatively free of sexual
hang-ups.  You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things.
You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of
physical gratification.

Q: You require constant activity and stimulation.  You have tremendous
physical energy.  It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually
or otherwise.  You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to
people of other ethnic groups.  You need romance, hearts and flowers, and
lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.

R: You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual.  You need someone who
can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the smarter the
better.  You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body.
However, physical attractiveness is very important to you.  You have to be
proud of your partner.  You are privately very sexy, but you do not brag,
you are willing to serve as teacher.  Sex is important; you can be a very
demanding playmate.

S: You are secretive, self-contained, and shy.  You are very sexy, sensual,
and passionate, but you do not let on to this.  Only in intimate privacy will
this part of your nature reveal itself.  When it gets down to the nitty-gritty,
you are an expert.  You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play
any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously.  You don't
fool around.  You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.

T - You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner
who takes the lead.  Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on.
You fantasise, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily.  When in
love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense.  You enjoy
having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased.
You are a great flirt.  You can make your relationships fit your dreams,
oftentimes all in your own head.

U: You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love.  When not in love, you
are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore.  You see romance
as a challenge.  You are a roamer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom.
You deal in potential relationships.  You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing
your mate looking good.  Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant
ratification.  You are willing to put your partner's pleasures above your own.

V: You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement.
You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself.  Knowing
someone means psycho-ing him out.  You feel a need to get into his head to
see what makes him tick.  You are attracted to eccentric types.  Often there
is an age difference between you and your lover.  You respond to danger,
thrills, and suspense.  The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself
may not be a participant.

W: You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer
when pursuing love.  Your ego is at stake.  You are romantic, idealistic,
and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she
really is.  You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships.
Nothing is too good for your lover.  You enjoy playing love games.

X: You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly.  You can handle more
than one relationship at a time with ease.  You can't shut off your mind.
You talk while you make love.  You can have the greatest love affairs,
all by yourself, in your own head.

Y: You are sexual, sensual, and very independent.  If you can't have it your
way, you will forgo the whole thing.  You want to control your relationships,
which doesn't always work out too well.  You respond to physical stimulation,
enjoy necking and spending hours just touching, feeling and exploring.
However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the
pleasures of the flesh for the moment.  You need to prove to yourself and
your partner what great lover you are.  You want feedback on your performance.
You are an open, stimulating, romantic bedmate.

Z: For you, it is business before pleasure.  If you are in any way bothered
by career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and get
into the mood.  You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are capable
of much sensuality.  But you never lose control of your emotions.  You are
very careful and cautious before you give your heart away and your body,
for that matter.  Once you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      There is more from the warm and sunny State, but let's have a few
      pics before we go any further.  First, from Doug the Pivotal one,
      who received this from an old friend (with a story):
                               -------------------

                                   GREAT NEWS

Hi Guys, we've kept this quiet until now but we just have to share this
great news with you now.

We have just purchased a one bedroom apartment in Noosa as an investment
property.  I've been saving for ages and the purchase was completed yesterday,
and I thought I'd let you know in case you're interested in renting it for
a holiday or a weekend getaway.  It's available for weekends (or weeks).

Initially we will be handling bookings ourselves, until I find an agent in
the area to manage the property.

Weekends will cost approximately $165.00 for two nights or $400 for a week,
at least up til 31 December of this year.  It's a one bedroom on the first
floor and has lovely sea views etc.

Attached is a photo, so have a look and let me know if you're interested,
along with the dates you would like to stay.

   Regards

      Barbara and George

Book now: Click here
                               -------------------

      And from Maria the H, this pictorial lesson on How to Massage a Pussy:
How to:  Click here
And from MI-5: Click here
                               -------------------

      This collection floated in from Kero over the past week or two ...

Stop it now: Click here
El Whoops: Click here
Husband pretends to give a shit: Click here
Smile!  Click here
Hurricane Isabel #1 Click here
Hurricane Isable #2 Click here
Hurricane Isable #3 Click here
                               -------------------

      And from sunny warm QCAT this week, a great collection:

On the beach: Click here
Lost dog: Click here
Very pissed: Click here
Another Dilbert: Click here
Another sex study: Click here
Columbian party: Click here
We know what you've been doing ...  Click here
Shhhh ... Click here
And more shhhh ... Click here
Oh, oh, oh ... Click here
Uh, uh, uh ... Click here
No drugs here: Click here
                               -------------------

      From Martin Leahy, another one that needs a little intro:

Last week a receptionist complained that her printer wasn't working.  A fellow
worker messed around with it and discovered a pen stuck inside the printer.  He
started to jam his fingers down into the printer to get the pen, but was told
by his superior that he didn't have time for that now, just put a note on the
printer telling folks not to use it and report it to the Help Desk.  So he
grabs a piece of paper and starts scrawling on it.

About 20 minutes later, one of the techs comes in laughing and says he was
just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.
Attached is what he found.  Sometimes things don't always come out the way you
want them to ...

Printer message: Click here
                               -------------------

      And this collection from Biggus:

Not boring: Click here
Recycle them: Click here
Stop cheating: Click here
Safe Sex: Click here
Depression: Click here
Are you a man? Click here
For seniors: Click here
                               -------------------

      And a rare contribution from Worried of Bexley.  The current Oz Govt
      is continuing to whittle away at the national research budget, and
      there are now strong rumours that the Universities will soon absorb
      CSIRO to form a new body collectively known as the Australian Government
      Research Organisation.  And they even have the new logo worked out:

New Logo:  Click here
                               -------------------

      And from our sister list over in the Wild West of Oz, some shots of
      lunchtime in exotic places:

Locust: Click here
Beetle and ... Click here
Crickets and ... Click here
Grasshopper and ... Click here
Dried Fido ... Click here
                               -------------------

      Also from the Old West (and from Digi Steve), this strange illusion ...

Nothing is actually moving: Click here
                               -------------------

      These were passed on by Digi Steve too (after several bounces by my
      early mail filter efforts):

Sprung!  Click here
What fun! Click here
Strong breeze: Click here
Hot day, this: Click here
                               -------------------

     There's a short intro that goes with this (somewhat gory) tale ...

This guy was driving from Atlanta GA and made it to Macon when he heard a
pop.  It sounded like a flat tyre.  He opened the hood and jumped a mile.  A
co-worker driving past recognised him and pulled over.  Imagine calling into
work: "I'll be late ... uh ... this is what was making the noise."

#1: Click here
#2: Click here
#3: Click here
#4: Click here
#5: Click here
                               -------------------

     And lastly of awlly, from French Pierre (aka Zia), we just received:

DOS games 4 ever: Click here
Mystery ... Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Okay - after that pictorial digression, let's trip back to the sunny
      North of Oz and ...
                               -------------------

                                  PEE WEE!

  COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING  - (the author is responding to a woman who
  accidentally walked into the men's restroom):

Please don't feel bad.  It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused
that guy to pee on the guy next to him.  Hell, we do that all the time.  It's
rare us guys ever hit what were aiming for.

Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning
around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.  You see, something you ladies
should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own.  A
guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take
perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over
the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe.  I'm
telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained.  I'm no longer allowed to
pee like a man standing up.  I am required to sit down and pee.  She has
convinced me that this is a small price to pay.  Otherwise if she had gone to
the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat,
or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was
going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you
and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as
well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be
understanding.  It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things.  A tremendous desire to pee, and
a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it.  Well, no matter how hard you
try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend you can't aim,
well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wall
paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the
toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin'
toilet seat won't stay up by itself.  So that means we have to use one hand to
hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less than
perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will
back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy
thing to stay up.  You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the
seat stays there.  OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy
starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying
down and tries to whack off your weenie.  So us guys will not lift a toilet
seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.

I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife.  I told her...
look, it won't bend.  She said, "so sit down like I told you to do all the rest
of the time."  OK.  I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood".
Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I
could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall
across the room.

Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the
toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between
the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl.  You piss all over the
back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs onto that damn
matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the
toilet.

I have found the only effective manoeuvre to deal with this morning urinary
dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position laying over the toilet
seat.  This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time
precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the
first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame.  We are
sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there
are times when things just get beyond our control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.  Now, if it was Father Nature,
there wouldn't have been a problem!

                           ----====####====----


                             TOOL DEFINITIONS

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, now the hammer is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are
trying to hit.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their
holes until the hole is big enough for the rivet to fall out anyway, but they
also work great for drilling mounting holes in fenders, just above the brake
line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads.  If nothing else is available, they
can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palms of your hands.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for putting various flammable objects
in your garage on fire.   Also handy for igniting the grease inside that brake
drum you are trying to repair.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 12mm socket
you've been searching for, and so rounding off that 12mm bolt.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open, and slice through the contents, of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; they do work particularly well on
cartons containing leather seats and motorcycle jackets.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings you
across the room ... in order to firmly press you up against that freshly
painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light.  Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you
have installed your new front disk brake setup, firmly trapping the jack
handle under the front fender so you can't raise it again.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG LENGTH OF 4x2: Used for levering a motorcycle upward and off
any hydraulic jack with its handle trapped in your bike.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters gained from 4x2 lengths of wood.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has yet another hydraulic
floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading
mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is
ten times harder to remove than any known bolt.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build-up on the
timing marks.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength
of earth straps and fuel lines you have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large cold chisel, that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from
a car battery to the inside of your boot, after having determined that your
battery is dead as a doornail,  just as you thought.

TROUBLE LIGHT: Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin
D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at
night.  Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light
bulbs.  More often dark than light, the name is very accurate.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans, and splash the oil on your shirt.  They can also be
used to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
plant 200 Km away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose
to a Black and Decker Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
tightened 60 years ago by someone at the Triumph Motorcycle Company .. and
rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple all that metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove, in order to replace that 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut any hose one 1/2 inch too short.

                             ----====####====----


                                   IQ TEST

Want to test your IQ?  Try this question:

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.  By imitating the action of
brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper
and the purchase is done.

Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how
should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer.






   ....







Have you worked it out, or do you have to peek?








   ....









He just has to open his mouth and ask.

If you got this wrong, please go and flush yourself down the toilet bowl.

                             ----====####====----


                             RUGBY WORLD CUP 2003

     Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to
motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations
were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.  The IRB Rugby World Cup
2003 Organising Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:

     - The England team will Morris Dance and whine in a threatening manner.

     - The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing
an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.

     - The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing
a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their
dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.

     - Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion
following representations from the RSPCA.

     - Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory,
claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by
the English, Scottish and Welsh teams.

     - Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important
than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they
claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.

     - The Americans will not attend until almost full time.  In future
years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most
important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called
'Saving No.8 Lyle'.

     - Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest
of the team to ransom.

     - The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female
stewards and then run away, only to pop up later having joined the other team.

     - The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, strip it back
to the gravel base and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass
quotas".  They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time,
when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.

     - The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good
salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high
speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground and ultimately
the cup (with a subsidy from the UK Government).

     - The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the
opposition are in fact all mad.  They will then park lorries across the
halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight
of Wales!) and burn the officials.

     - The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative
singing and TV contracts in the UK.  They will then invite all their mates
to come and live with them in Shepherd's Bush

  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                  And here's M&M's thought for the week ...

   Never hold your farts in.

   They travel up your spine and into your brain, and that's where you get
   all those crap ideas from.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]



 Previous (September 26, 2003)  Index Next (October 10, 2003)