Friday humour - September 26, 2003

     From Davo at bluehaze:


G'day and Yo!

"The flowers that bloom in the spring tra-la ..."

And as it's finally turned to autumn/fall in the northern hemisphere the
Mighty Magpies are headed towards glory in Saturday's Grand Final at the
MCG.

The Brownlow Medal was shared amongst three great footballers on Monday
night.  This comprehensive review of the gala (galah?) night was sent in by
finance guru Howard: Click here

And at the CSIRO Minerals Grand Final BBQ today Stevo came up trumps
in the handball championship scoring three bullseyes in a row - amazing.
With all Stevo's "Shock and Awe" perhaps we should let him loose on little
George Dubya's Axis of Evil.  Maybe he could find a long distance pop
gun and a heavy duty water pistol.

    -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-


First this week from Trina

                         Would you hire this man?

                        RESUME / CURRICULUM VITAE

                              GEORGE W. BUSH

                        The White House, July 2003

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

I attacked and took over two countries.

I spent the US surplus and bankrupted the Treasury.

I shattered the record for the biggest annual deficit in history.

I set an economic record for the most private bankruptcies filed in any
12-month period.

I set all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the stock
market.

I am the first president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.

In my first year in office I set the all-time record for most days on
vacation by any president in US history.

After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, I presided over
the worst security failure in US history.

I set the record for most campaign fund raising trips by any president in US
history.

In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job.

I cut unemployment benefits for more out-of-work Americans than any other
president in US history.

I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.

I appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any
president in US history.

I set the record for the fewest press conferences of any president since the
advent of TV.

I signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any
other US president in history.

I presided over the biggest energy crises in US history and refused to
intervene when corruption was revealed.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in US history and refused to use
the national reserves as past presidents have.

I cut health care benefits for war veterans.

I set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take
to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for
protest against any person in the history of mankind.

I dissolved more international treaties than any president in US history.

I've made my presidency the most secretive and unaccountable of any in US
history.

Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US history.
(Even the poorest among them, Condoleezza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker
named after her).

I am the first president in US history to have all 50 states of the Union
simultaneously go bankrupt.

I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud in any market in
any country in the history of the world.

I am the first president in US history to order a US attack and military
occupation of a sovereign nation, and I did so against the will of the
United Nations and the world community.

I have created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history
of the United States.

I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more
than any other president in US history.

I am the first president in US history to have the United Nations remove the
US from the Human Rights Commission.

I am the first president in US history to have the United Nations remove the
US from the Elections Monitoring Board.

I removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of
congressional oversight than any presidential administration in US history.

I rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.

I withdrew from the World Court of Law.

I refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war and by default
no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.

I am the first president in US history to refuse United Nations election
inspectors access during the 2002 US elections.

I am the all-time US (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign
donations.

The biggest lifetime contributor to my campaign, who is also one of my best
friends, presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in
world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).

I spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in US
history.

I am the first president to run and hide when the US came under attack
(and then lied, saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1).

I am the first US president to establish a secret shadow government.

I took the world's sympathy for the US after 9/11, and in less than a year
made the US the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest
diplomatic failure in US and world history).

I am the first US president in history to have a majority of the people of
Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and
stability.

I am the first US president in history to have the people of South Korea
more threatened by the US than by their immediate neighbor, North Korea.

I changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government
contracts.

I set the all-time record for the number of administration appointees who
violated US law by not selling their huge investments in corporations
bidding for gov't contracts.

I have removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any
other president in US history.

In a little over two years I have created the most divided country in
decades, possibly the most divided that the US has been since the Civil War.

I entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less than
two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving
record has been erased and is not available).

I was AWOL from the National Guard and deserted the military during time of
war.

I refuse to take a drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my
father's library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt
companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All minutes of meetings of any public corporation for which I served on the
board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public
energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

PERSONAL REFERENCES:

For personal references, please speak to my Dad or Uncle James Baker.

(They can be reached in their offices at the Carlyle Group where they are
helping to divide up the spoils of the US-Iraq war and plan for the next
one).

    -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-


   From Allnutts


                             THUNDEROUS NIGHT

Ita Buttrose was laying in bed one evening when Thor the God of Thunder
decided to visit Earth and bestow upon one fortunate earthling his attentions.

He of course selected Ita, and that night there was love making that shook
the very foundations of existance.

In the morning, Thor decided that he would tell this mere mortal who he was.

Thor stook in front of Ita with his hands on his hips and declared "I AM
THOR THE GOD OF THUNDER"

Ita in return stated "You're Thor?!  Well, I'm so Thor I can Hardly Pith".

    -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-


                           MARRIAGE COUNSELLING

Men take heed!!

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jeff and his wife
listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives
know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Jeff leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Self-raising",
isn't it?"

Jeff's ribs will heal in a few weeks.

    -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-


A couple from Sister Carol

                          NOT THE MACEDONIAN MARVEL

Mick Malthouse, the coach of Collingwood Aussie Rules Club, gets wind of a
potential new young recruit who lives in Iraq.

Malthouse and the Magpie Recruiting Manager catch a plane to war-torn
Baghdad and track the young boy down.

They risk life and limb dodging bombs, bullets and grenades but finally find
him and convince him to come to Australia. The boy does a full pre-season,
plays all the practice matches and gets picked on the bench in the seniors
for the first game of the year.

Ten minutes into the first quarter, one of the players goes down with a
severe knee injury.

Malthouse turns to the boy and says, "This is it son, go to centre half
forward and show us what you can do."

The boy proceeds to play the greatest debut game in AFL history. He kicks
9 goals, takes mark of the year, and kicks the winning goal after the siren
from outside 50.

The Pies chair him off the ground and give him three cheers back in the
rooms. Malthouse tells the team what the boy from Iraq has been through and
that he is a model lesson for all.

Malthouse then pulls the boy aside and says, "Go into my office son, ring
your Mother and tell her what you did today".

He proceeds to do so. "Mum", he says down the phone, "Guess what I did
today?"

"I don't care what you did today," his Mother replies. "I tell you what
happened here today", she goes on. "Your Dad was stabbed and robbed, our
house torched, our car blown up, your sister raped and your brother
abducted."

"Gee," says the boy. "I feel a bit responsible for what happened".

The Mother replies "So you should be, if it wasn't for you we would never
have shifted to Collingwood."

    -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-


     From DigiSteve

                             BLONDEVISION

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like
to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the
salesman,

"I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy
clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she
approached the salesman again and said,

"I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

    -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-

More from Trina

          Overheard pilot/air traffic controller conversations

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of
the runway, if you are able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
                            __________________

Unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f... ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"

                            _________________

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, and yes, we copied
Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
                            _________________

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign Speedbird 206."

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206, taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been
to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."
                            _______________


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 239 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little
Fokker in sight."
                            _______________


A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war."

    -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-

A couple from Minnesota Scott

                      Only from the mouth of Babes!

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's
house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When
little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny,
wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at
our house."

"That's at our house," Johnny explained, "but this is Grandma's house and
she knows how to cook!"

    -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-


                 BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN NEW JERSEY

1.  Turn signals will give away your next move. A real New Jersey driver
    never uses them.

2.  Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and
    the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else,
    putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3.  The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have
    of getting hit.

4.  Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and
    it will result in you being rear-ended.

5.  Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. New
    Jersey is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have anything
    to lose.

6.  Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your
    ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal
    pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7.  Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to
    scare people entering the highway.

8.  Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are
    apparently not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.

9.  Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move
    over doesn't mean that a New Jersey driver flashing his high beams behind
    you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone
    changing a tire.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. New Jersey is the home of the high-speed
    slalom driving thanks to the State Highway Department, which puts pot-holes
    in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

12. It is traditional in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars that don't
    move the instant the light turns green.

13. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get there first
    by whatever means necessary.

14. In the New Jersey area, 'flipping someone the bird' is considered a
    polite New Jersey salute. This gesture should always be returned.

    THANK YOU & HAVE A SAFE JOURNEY

    -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-


This weeks pics come from Katharina, Malisja, DigiSteve, Solo, Rowan Davo,
David T, M&Ms, Mad Mick, Allnutts, KeroSteve and you know who ...  Apolgies
if some have been on before.  Sometimes the pics are the same but the name
changes.  More audios and videos please!


Safety first Click here

Party boy Click here

Stop the press
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Extreme sports
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Call Todd Click here

Naked Air - The Only Way to Fly
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Great pic!

This picture is said to have been taken by the crew on board the Columbia
during its last mission.

This photo was taken via satellite, on a cloudless day. The picture is of
Europe and Africa when the sun is setting. Half of the picture is in night.
The bright dots you see are the cities lights. The top part of Africa is the
Sahara Desert. Note how the lights are already on in Holland, Paris, and
Barcelona, and how it's still daylight in London, Lisbon, and Madrid. Notice
how Belgium and Holland is one big light-bowl!!!

The sun is still shining on the Straight of Gibraltar, and the Mediterranean
Sea is already in darkness. In the middle of the Atlantic Ocean you can see
the Azores Islands; below them to the right are the Madeira Islands; a bit
below are the Canary Islands; and further south, close to the farthest
western point of Africa, the Cape Verde Islands.

Note how the Sahara is huge and can be seen clearly both during daytime and
night-time. To the left, on top, is Greenland, totally frozen.

 Click here

What if? Click here

Sun trap Click here

Who's on first? Click here

Think of a number ... Click here

    -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-

Back to asscci with Tommie Burns

                               Thoughts ...

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents
in, what happens to the other penny? Or do you get change?

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin
with.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a
race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it
be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as
they get older, then it dawned on me.... they're cramming for their final
exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and
forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen could look for themwhile they delivered the
mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

    -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-


A couple from Ian Stewart in Bonnie Scotland

                     Answers to important questions

Q. Can you cry under water?
A. No, the water pressure doesn't allow it.

Q. How important does a person have to be before they are considered
   assassinated instead of just murdered?
A. They need to own over one million in assets. It's all in the wallet

Q. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
A. A lot of money does grow on trees - the stuff that's made of paper

Q. Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
A. Because sandwich meat isn't real meat - it's the defrosted compressed
   interiors of frozen dinosaurs which are regularly mined in the Antarctic

Q. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny" for
   your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
A. Two cents is worth a penny - American money is usually worth half of ours

Q. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
   in for eternity?
A. Only in bad TV shows. In reality you have to wear the regulation costume of
   your chosen faith - so you need to think what you look good in.

Q. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
A. Because it's in disguise

Q. What did cured ham actually have?
A. A case of living pig

Q. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
   good idea to put wheels on luggage?
A. No, you're being silly.

Q. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
   every two hours?
A. Cos when babies sleep they look incredibly contented - they dont have to do
   *anything* for themselves

Q. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
A. Being silly again

Q. If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
A. Yes

Q. Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?
A. TV's are smaller - not everyone can get in.

Q. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?
A. To check it will still be there when they go down

Q. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
   America?
A. There are always far more good women than good men (silly question)

Q. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
   naked anyway.
A. They don't want to spoil the surprise

Q. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
A. They don't - they're too busy dying

Q. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
A. Ask an American - only they have the poor taste to say "panties"

    -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-


  Quotes of the Week:


  "The fact is, the president's eleventh-hour, half-hearted appeal
   to the United Nations, and his continuing I-told-you-so tone,
   have made it more difficult to secure international assistance
   in building a safe, stable and self-governing Iraq."

       - Senator Joseph Lieberman - Democrat presidential candidate


  "In an open world, no one can live in isolation. No one can act
   in the name of everyone. No one can accept the anarchy of a
   society without rules."

                            - Jacques Chirac - President of France


  "Countries that reserve the right to act unilaterally or in ad hoc
   coalitions represent a fundamental challenge to the principles on
   which, however imperfectly, world peace and stability have rested
   for the last 58 years."

                                - Kofi Annan - UN Secutary General


  "As an original signer of the U.N. Charter, the United States of
   America is committed to the United Nations. And we show that
   commitment by working to fulfill the U.N.'s stated purposes."

              - George W(anker) Bush - President of the Free World

       [ Apparently he couldn't pronounce "signatory"!  - Ed ]

    -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-  -othe|endo-  -o===|===o-  -o===|===o-

[ End Fri humour ]


 Previous (September 19, 2003)  Index Next (October 03, 2003)