Friday humour - September 19, 2003

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         Yo,
     And onto a bit of humour to round out another week - this time, it's a
     few from nearer to the bottom of the in-tray (material submitted last
     year), but there's a few off the top of the pile as well.

     And as always - thanks to each and every one of our contributors - FH
     couldn't exist without you.  And a special thanks to John at CUB (who
     just sent me a CD of his collection), and especially to Geoff Dodge in
     Claremont (the Apple Isle) who did the same with a CD containing several
     hours worth of classic Oz radio history.  These should filter through
     over the next year or two (and Ian - remind me to copy these for you).

     Anyway, this week we start with a quick dash over to the UK and something
     from Brian D McNicol ...
                         -------------------------

                               WHICH AM I?

A zebra dies and goes to heaven.  On meeting St Peter at the gates, it asks
whether it is white with black stripes, or black with white stripes. St Peter
doesn't know, so he sends it to see God who is working round the corner in his
garden.

The zebra puts the same question to God.  God replies "You are what you
are".

The zebra returns to St Peter, who asks how it got on.  The zebra says
"God said 'you are what you are'.  What does that mean?"

St Peter says "That means white with black stripes."

"How come?" says the zebra.

"Well", St Peter says, "if you were black with white stripes, God would have
said 'You is what you is!'.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Back to Oz now and this one from Maria the Harding (try it on your kids):
                         -------------------------

Q.  How do you catch a unique rabbit ??
A.  Unique up on it.

Q.  How do you catch a tame rabbit
A   Tame way, unique up on it.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Well, we should've stayed in the UK - this one's from the mob over at
      Castle Hill Books:
                         -------------------------

                                  RECESS

A second grade class had just come in from recess, and the teacher, figuring
to start on the spelling section of the day turned to Alice, and asked,
"What did you do for recess today?"

Alice responded, "I played in the sandbox."

"That sounds like fun, now, if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard,
I'll give you a freshly baked cookie" the teacher responded.

Alice went to the blackboard, spelled the word correctly, got her cookie,
and took her seat.

The teacher then turned to Michael, and asked him, "What did you do at
recess today?"

"I played with Alice in the sandbox." he responded.

"If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I'll give you a freshly baked
cookie."

He goes to the blackboard, spells the word box, gets his cookie, and returns
to his seat.

Next, the teacher turns to Arafat Futh, and asks him, "Arafat, what did you
do for recess today?"

"Well, I tried to play with Alice and Michael in the sandbox, but they threw
rocks at me and said I was a stinking Paki." he said.

The teacher, wide-eyed, responds, "Well that sounds like blatant, racial
discrimination.  I'll tell you what, Arafat - if you can spell blatant,
racial discrimination on the blackboard, I'll give you a freshly baked cookie."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Back to Oz now and this one from Digitronics Steve, who adds "These
       are from the UK." ... well, okay ...
                         -------------------------

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill,
a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the
time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up
during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in
her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her
Italian boyfriend.  (The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because
they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they
don't want the public to know what it looks like.  (The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented,
"This sort of thing is all too common".  (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the
spot and asked him to estimate the windspeed. He replied he was sorry, but
he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown
his Land Rover off the cliff.  (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with
her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week do her
garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945. She recalled "He'd always seemed
a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn
in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler."  (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Couple more quickies - this time from the other Steve (Kero):
                         -------------------------

Try this.  It really works.

While sitting at your desk make CLOCKWISE circles with your RIGHT FOOT.
While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your RIGHT HAND.
Your foot will change direction.

Unbelieveable?

Believe it, mate, you can do magic!

                            ===============

  Quote from Queens Park Rangers boss Ian Holloway following their uninspired
  win against Chesterfield last weekend.

"To put it in gentleman's terms, if you've been out for a night and you're
looking for a young lady and you pull one, you've done what you set out to
do. We didn't look our best today but we've pulled. Some weeks the lady is
good looking and some weeks they're not. Our performance today would have
been not the best looking bird but at least we got her in the taxi.

She may not have been the best looking lady we ended up taking home but it was
still very pleasant and very nice, so thanks very much and let's have coffee."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Now to our correspondent in Le France, Pierre (real name Zia), who writes:
    "During this summer, while I was on holiday in Pakistan (where I come
    from originally), I picked up my old Imperial College Rag Mags. They are
    fairly packed with stuff, so I'll pass on some of their bits on to you."

    Well these are great, Pepe Le Pew (and who can forget those WB classics :-)
    I say - keep 'em coming ...
                         -------------------------

Daddy Bear, Mummy Bear, and Baby Bear arrived home one evening after a day
at the honey store, and sat down to eat their porridge. Suddenly their peace
was shattered by the arrival of a large black and white bear who burst into
their little cottage, raced over to Baby Bear and began to eat his porridge.

The family was even more shocked to see him start on Mummy Bear's porridge
next.

By the time he started on Daddy Bear's porridge, Daddy Bear was ready to
hit him (but Daddy Bear was a socialist, so he didn't do things like that!)

The second he had finished Daddy Bear's porridge, he jumped onto the table
and started masturbating. This proved too much for Mummy Bear, who promptly
fainted. Before she recovered, the big bear had come and gone(!).

"What on earth was that?" asked Daddy Bear.

"That was a panda bear, Daddy,", said Baby Bear.

"How do you know that?"

"Well, it's obvious, because it eats, shoots, and leaves."

                                ==========

"Christopher, if you were a gentleman, you wouldn't be doing this!"

"Diana, if you were a lady, you wouldn't speak with your mouth full!"

                                ==========

In this big Indian Tribe, the wizened old chief names all of the children born
to the tribe. Everyone wonders how he manages to name all of them so easily,
as each gets a totally original name, and they all breed like rabbits. One
day a brave young brave decides to ask the old chief.

"How do you manage to think of all these names for the children, o wise one?"

"It is easy, my son. When a child is born, I look up, and if I see snow
falling slowly, I call the child 'Snow Falling Slowly'. And if I look up,
and see a hawk flying overhead, I call the child 'Hawk Flying Overhead'. But
tell me, Two Dogs Fucking, why do you ask?"

                                ==========

Football results:
Real Madrid - 1
Surreal Madrid - fish

                                ==========

Three Russian prisoners in a labour camp (ok, this was before the glasnost
and perestroika thingy) were discussing life, when the subject of the
reason for their internment came up.

"Well," said the first prisoner, "I was imprisoned in 1937 for writing
good things about Comrade Papov."

"That's a coincidence," said the second prisoner. "I was imprisoned in 1938
for writing bad things about Comrade Papov."

"You think that's strange," said the third prisoner. "I was imprisoned in
1939, and I AM Comrade Papov."

                                ==========

A subtle joke is like a naked woman rolling down a hill: sometimes you see
it, sometimes you don't.
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        Now for one from Kirsten, the returning Penny ...

                                 THE PRIESTS

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to
make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as
clergyman. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some
really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They
were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery
when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking
straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "Good morning, Father",
nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So
the next day, they went back to the store and bought an even more outrageous
outfit. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. Once
again the two priests settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the
beautiful sunshine.

Sometime later the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a g-string strolled
towards them. Again she nodded and said "Good morning, Father" as she passed.

One of the priests who couldn't stand it any longer said "Just a minute"

"Yes?" she replied.

"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know ... how in the world did
you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Angela," she replied.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Okay - to the pics and sounds and other assorted thingees now.  First
       up, a link to a great Labatt Beer Game from Kero:

Labatt Blue: Click here
                         -------------------------

       Paul up at Dolphin Heads came across this site - aimed at Londoners,
       perhaps, but all will appreciate ...

Angle Grinder Man: Click here
                         -------------------------

       Our very own bitch, Nicki, passed these on - with this intro: "Tony, my
       hubby just sent me this email.  Little do we know what really goes on
       in Iraq ..."

       LOOKS LIKE THE IRAQIS HAVE DISCOVERED A SUBSTITUTE FOR OIL

At approximately 1000Z Jul 03, the governor's brother, Ahmed (Abu Saif)
Witwit, who is in charge of city hall security reported the following
information to TF 1/4 XO, Maj Holahan:

Three days ago, local police stopped a fuel truck because it had improper
license plates. The driver was released (NFI why), and the truck impounded at
the government's truck lot.  This morning, the governor's brother received an
anonymous phone call, offering 15 million Iraqi Dinar for the fuel truck. The
governor's brother claims he declined the offer, mustered six security
personnel, and proceeded to the impound lot.  At the impound lot, they
inspected the vehicle. There were 6 padlocks that sealed the fuel storage
tank.  The fuel storage tank was empty of fuel but allegedly had "some sort of
metal bricks".  The truck was taken to city hall and turned over to Major
Holahan.  The truck was subsequently brought here to Babylon.

Here are the pictures of what was in the fuel truck.  Sounds like a movie
script.  The bricks are being tested now.

Iraq 1: Click here
Iraq 2: Click here
Iraq 3: Click here
Iraq 4: Click here
                         -------------------------

       And this one from Malisja also comes with an intro ...

              WARNING TO ALL DOG OWNERS: WATCH YOUR DOG

The Victorian Police in conjunction with the Federal Police have issued a
warning advising all Victorian dog owners to keep their dogs inside until
further notice.  Dogs are being picked off one at a time on an almost
continual basis through-out Victoria.  They are falling in great numbers.

Police in the city of Melbourne advise all dog owners not to walk their dogs.

Keep dogs inside: Click here
                         -------------------------

      M&M sent a pile over as well, and these were new for FH ...

So you'd like to be a professional photographer? Click here
Irish First Aid course: Click here
Peeping (needs Macromedia Flash): Click here
                         -------------------------

      ML (who wishes to remain anon) sent this pair over ...

Just sitting around ... Click here
Just lying around ... Click here
                         -------------------------

     Couple more from Kero (and we hope TK's enjoying life too, Steve):

Fly: Click here
What happened to Nemo? Click here
                         -------------------------

     And from our sister list over in the old West of Oz ...

Rex: Click here
Hooked: Click here
Self service: Click here
Down and out: Click here
Musical faces: Click here
                         -------------------------

                  Ian Madsen passed this on ...

Warney: Click here
  (and more at Click here )


           And this updated oldie from QCAT in our warmer North:

Real and imaginary: Click here

           Captain Ron came across this ...

Lifechart: Click here

          Darnell Brown over at Solucient noticed this shot ...

Plan ahead: Click here

         And finally, another piece of Oz radio history from 50 years back
         as passed on by Geoff down in Claremont.  Jack Davey and an excerpt
         from the "Persil packets" quiz show.  Recorded in front of a live
         audience at 2GB in Sydney and then broadcast nationally at 8pm each
         Monday night ...

Persil packets show (mid 1950s) Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Okay, back to the written word, for which this contribution as just
    passed on by QCAT, Dave McCallum, Kero and Lachlan is most appropriate:
                         -------------------------

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht
oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and
lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can
sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter
by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.  ceehiro

 ..... Taht'll fcuk the splelchekcer
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Jon the Rumbles over in the UK just forwarded on this tale ...
                         -------------------------


Many generations ago, in the time of witches, warlocks and and dragons, a
young warrior travelled the length and breadth of the known world, seeking
wisdom and the secret of invincibility. After years of adventure, during which
he became privy to many hidden things & did things in many hidden privies,
he came to the oracle of Conundra. There, he'd been told, he could master the
techniques of the supernatural and become an indestructible warrior. After
various challenges and riddles the wise woman of the oracle gave him an
elixir to drink, a special flower, and a poem to be recited the night before
combat. The poem had to be specific about the type of opponent and had to be
recited by a witch "of many years standing", while she stared at the moon,
holding the flower.

When he returned to his homeland, the warrior went to see a dispossessed noble
with great ambition. The nobleman, impressed by his history, took him on as
his vassal (the warrior was actually a bit old for that game, but the nobleman
was sick of calming down irritated visitors - his old Vassal was Faulty).

The warrior's first attack on the lands of a neighbouring landowner went
as smoothly as silk. Knowing that he'd be facing ten picked men armed with
quarterstaffs, he tracked down the local witch and taught her the ritual. She
performed flawlessly, reciting thus:

"Askaspel and Nutsinmay
Bless this warrior today
May no man with quarterstaff
Stand his onslaught - spirograph!"

and her stare never wavered from the moon, and the flower was steady in
her hand.

And of course he won the battle, putting all ten to flight.

His next battle, a few weeks later, was against another local landowner and
his detachment of infantry. Once again he hunted out the local witch and
again she performed flawlessly, staring at the moon the while she recited:

"Askaspel and Nutsinmay
Bless this warrior today
May no man with knife or sword
Stand his onslaught - scrabbleboard!".

And her stare never wavered from the moon, and the flower was steady in
her hand.

And again he triumphed, throwing his enemies into turmoil (which was
coincidentally the name of a local brook) and expanding his master's territory.

By this time, the warrior's fame had spread, and his next battle was single
combat against a giant with a knobkerry. Yet again he hunted out the local
witch and again she performed flawlessly, staring at the moon the while
reciting:

"Askaspel and Nutsinmay
Bless this warrior today
May no man with knobkerry
Stand his onslaught - Monop'ly!".

And her stare never wavered from the moon, and the flower was steady in
her hand.

And again he vanquished his opponent, much to his master's benefit.

Then came the day when the nobleman heard that the richest nobleman for
many miles was sending two of his most trusted fighting men to challenge the
warrior, and they'd be on horseback. To the warrior's dismay, the local witch
had vanished, her hovel was empty, and there was no other in that kingdom. He
hunted high, he hunted low, but the future looked bleaker and bleaker. So
he went back to his master, holding his by now bedraggled flower. And all
he could say was ... "I would go rout two knights . . . But I haven't got
a witch to sta-are"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And still in the UK - another one from the Castle Hill Books mob:
                         -------------------------

                      HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME

1.  Both take up too much space on the bed
2.  Both have irrational fears about vacuuming cleaning.
3.  Both mark their territory
4.  Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5.  The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6.  Both have inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7.  Neither does any dishes.
8.  Both fart shamelessly.
9.  Neither notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

                     HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

1.  Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public
2.  Dogs miss you when you are gone.
3.  Dogs feel guilty when they have done something wrong.
4.  Dogs admit when they are jealous.
5.  Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6.  Dogs do not play games (except fetch - and even then, they don't laugh at
    how you throw).
7.  You can train a dog.
8.  Dogs are easy to buy for.
9.  The worst social disease you can get from a dog is fleas (well, okay -
    really it's rabies, but there's a vaccine for that and you can kill the
    one who gave it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                Then there was this one from Mandy the M & M ...
                         -------------------------

                            COLONOSCOPIE HUMOUR

   A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while
   he was performing colonoscopies:

"Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

"Can you hear me NOW?"

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

"You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

"If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in
fact, up there?"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And last but not least - from SC El Presidente Biggus McCallum ...
                         -------------------------

                        A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover
of the Wheaties box.  Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her
boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.  And her husband is on the back of
the milk carton.

                              WE HAVE OUR WAYS

"Cash, cheque, or charge?", I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television
set in her purse.  "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I
figured this was the most legal, evil thing I could do to him."


                             UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

"I know I'm not going to understand women.  I'll never understand how they can
take boiling hot wax, pour it onto their upper thigh, rip the hair out by the
roots ... and still be afraid of a spider."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]



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