Friday humour - September 05, 2003

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         Yo,
     Email has become a bit of a chore over the past cupla weeks, what with
     interesting new viruses (such as "Sobig.F") and the "msblast" worm.
     The latter one has necessitated individual "patches" to the Windows
     2000 and XP operating system which are now found on most corporate
     and Govt desktops - normal virus checkers can't handle it.  It has the
     words "I just want to say LOVE YOU SAN!!  Billy gates why do you make
     this possible?  Stop making money and fix your software!!"  Once a PC
     is infected with "msblast", the outside perpetrators can apparently do
     just about anything they like on your PC.  (It also attacks Microsoft's
     support site on the 16th of each month, just for variety).

     The Sobig.F virus, on the other hand, seems to mainly cause chaos in
     the world of email.  It looks through your (Windows) PC and gets all
     the email addresses it can find, then it starts sending out mail spam
     but not in the normal way.  It forges the "From" address using the
     addresses it found on the PC.  Which is why you've all been getting
     those "bounce" mails from places you've never heard of telling you that
     "Your email contained a virus (or a bad subject line)."

     Anyway, just thought some of you might be interested.  (I've only spent
     around 20 minutes researching it so I may have the details wrong, but I
     *think* that's about the gist of it.)

     And the anti-virus companies must be making a fortune out of this latest
     massive outbreak.  In fact, it makes one wonder ... hmmmm ... ???

     So to this weeks humour, and I'm gonna be a titch lazy again this week
     and just take a selection of the latest stuff that's drifted into the
     in-tray.  First up, it's one from the old Malt Factory via CUB John:
                             ----------------------

                                BUSINESS SLOGANS

Plumber:   "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip; call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan:   "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:   "Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeons office:   "Hello, can we pick your nose?"

Sign at the psychic's hotline:   "Don't call us, we'll call you."

At a dry cleaners:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close
the store and have the manager shot.  Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg.  We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
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         Then there was this quickie as passed on by Steve Kero ...
                              ----------------------

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee
each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the
man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the
top of several pages, that it indeed says .

"HEBREWS"
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        Actually - if you think that was short, catch this one from QCAT:
                              ----------------------

Woman standing in the nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her
husband "I look, horrible, fat and ugly ... can you pay me a compliment?"

So the husband replies "Well ... your eyesight's f*cking spot on."
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              And from Rumbles in the good ol' UK, we have:
                              ----------------------

Hagiology for 9 points ?
   (with apologies to anyone not familiar with "Countdown")

I wanna be R. Whitely
Be sedent'ry not sprightly
With nice square specs
And porky pecs
And a show on C4 (nightly).

I wanna be R. Whitely
I'll sit there, near uprightly
And watch the nerds
come up with words
that mystify me might'ly.

I wanna be R. Whitely
Make Carol giggle tightly
I'll wear the ties
Make puns, cause sighs
And glisten very slightly.
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              And yet another quickie from M&M (alias Mandy) ...
                              ----------------------

The Boss was in a quandary, he had to get rid of one of his staff.  He had
narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.  It would be a hard
decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent
work.  He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water
cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the Boss
approached her and said:  "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to
lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Could you jack off?  I feel like hell."
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         Talking about viruses (which we haven't been since my dopey intro),
         a friend of mine, Chris Long (historical media researcher) passed
         these two on for your possible amusement ...
                              ----------------------

                                   VIRUSES

    We'd like to alert you to some more viruses that could infect your
    computer at just about anytime:

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident.  It'll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are
getting.

The Verizon virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too
much for the AT&T virus.

Bobbit virus: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it.
(But that part will never work again.)

Senate Virus: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but
doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Senate Virus #2: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a
message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Michael Jackson virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs,
only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural
America.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units,
each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most
important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
motherboard.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software
says everything is fine.

Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and
sends you a bill for $4,500.

Jimmy Hoffa virus: Your programs can never be found again.

Kevorkian virus: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

OJ virus: It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of
your file and vows to find the virus that did it.

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers
to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".

Christian Science Virus: Your hard drive isn't really down, you just think
it is.

Bill Clinton Virus: Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.


                          ----====#===#===#===#----


                          CHARLES SCHULTZ PHILOSOPHY

  The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the
  "Peanuts" comic strip.

  You don't have to actually answer the questions.  Just read it straight
  through and you'll get the point:

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

  How did you do?

  The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.  These are
  no second-rate achievers.  They are the best in their fields.  But the
  applause dies.  Awards tarnish.  Achievements are forgotten.  Accolades and
  certificates are buried with their owners.  Here's another quiz.  See how
  you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
6. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

  Easier?

  The lesson:
  The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most
  credentials, the most money, or the most awards.  They're the ones that care.
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                             TO THE PICS AND THINGS ...

         So here we are at the pics.  First up, some more body paint
         pics as recently passed on by Maria the Harding ...

Thirsty?  Click here
What th' ... Click here
Excited: Click here
Show off: Click here
Bondage: Click here
                              ----------------------

         And from QCAT, we have these, beginning with the topic of:
                          IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD

IWRTW 1: Click here
IWRTW 2: Click here
IWRTW 3: Click here
IWRTW 4: Click here
Evil Ad: Click here

          From Kero tin, we recently received this ...

The CFC: Click here

          And from Brett the Valiant one, these two ...

Naughty girl!  Click here
Medical alert: Click here
                              ----------------------

            And from M&M, we copped this little lot ...

If men vacuumed: Click here
Genius George: Click here
                              ----------------------

                 These two were passed on by Jas ...

Road Rage: Click here
Camel Toe (audio - and fairly big): Click here
                              ----------------------

            The person who passed this one felt it was a titch gory,
            and asked if she could remain anonymous.  It's entitled ...

                        NEVER RUN AWAY FROM THE POLICE

Gory: Click here
                              ----------------------

           And this other dreadful pic was forwarded across by none other
           than Digitronics Steve ... (BTW - lunch today, Steve?)

Overdose: Click here
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       Now back over to the Malt Factory and a couple more from John:
                              ----------------------

                 (YET MORE OF) WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road.  This is a complete fabrication.  In fact,
we do not even have a chicken.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there may be potential for this chicken's capability,
but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the
chicken crossing the road.

GEORGE W  BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road.  We just want to know if the
chicken is on our side of the road or not.  The chicken is either for us or
against us.  There is no middle ground.

TONY BLAIR
I  agree with George.

JOHN HOWARD
I agree with George and Tony.

KIM BEAZLEY
There is no challenge to the chicken at this stage, but if I were crossing
the road ....

SIMON CREAN
@#@#!!@ Chicken.  No one crosses the @#@#!!@ road without my @#@#!!@ say so.
It's time for the chicken to put up or shut up.

PETER HOLLINGWORTH (Governor-General)
I am not aware of any impropriety in the chicken crossing the road.  In fact,
I am led to believe that it was the other way around and the chicken asked
for it.

                          ----====#===#===#===#----


           LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK

1.  Cover your stump before you hump

2.  Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

3.  Don't be silly, protect your willy

4.  When in doubt, shroud your spout

5.  Don't be a loner, cover your boner

6.  You cant go wrong, if you shield your dong

7.  If you're not goin to sack it, go home and whack it.

8.  If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey

9.  If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomise

10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter

11. She wont get sick if you wrap your dick

12. If you go in to heat, package your meat

13. While yer undressing venus, dress up your pe_is

14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse

15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member

16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker

17. Don't be a fool, vulcanise your tool

18. The proper selection will protect your erection

19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil

20. A crank with armor will never harm her

21. No glove, no love!
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            And to finish off for yet another (virus infected) week,
            a couple more contributions from the M&M girl ...
                              ----------------------


                               I'M IN HEAVEN

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.  While she was waiting for Saint Peter
to greet her, she peeked through the gates.  She saw a beautiful banquet
table.  Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had
loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello, How are you!
We've been waiting for you!  Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful
place!  How do I get in ?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the
Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said.

"How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.

"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery.  I sold the little house you and I
lived in and bought a huge mansion.  And my wife and I travelled all around the
world.  We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today.  I fell
and hit my head, and here I am.  What a bummer.  How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word ?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

                               -+-+-+-+-+-


Moral of this story:  Never make a woman angry.  There'll be Hell to pay later.


                          ----====#===#===#===#----


                           A CYNIC'S PHILOSOPHY

1.   If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2.   Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3.   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a
     garage makes you a car.

4.   Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5.   If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
     before.

6.   My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7.   Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8.   It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9.   For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10.  If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11.  Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12.  A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13.  Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14.  Men are from earth.  Women are from earth.  Deal with it.

15.  No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16.  A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17.  Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
     change places.

18.  Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19.  Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
     before you need it.

20.  There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21.  Experience is a wonderful thing.  It enables you to recognise a mistake
     when you make it again.

22.  By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23.  Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24.  Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25.  It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat
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[ End Friday humour ]



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