Friday humour - August 29, 2003

     From Davo at bluehaze:

G'day and Yo

Please send in some more funny/interesting web sites.  And those not in
Melbourne, Perth, or Brissie please send in the web address of your
nearest webcam.  We'd like to know where our readers live.

I was interested to see where Rugby, where Katherina lives, actually is -
and the nearest big town seems to be the lovely Crookwell (I see) - not
too far from Goulburn - a stones throw from Canberra.


First up a collection from the said Katherina from Rugby NSW - the first
one is nice ...

                           MAN'S BEST FRIEND

When God had made the earth, the sky, the flowers and the trees,
He made all the animals, and the all the birds and the bees.
When His work was finished, not one was quite the same;
He said "I'll walk this earth of mine and give each one a name."
And so He travelled land and sea - and everywhere he went,
a little creature followed him - until it's strength was spent.
When all were named upon the earth and in the sky and sea,
the little creature sadly said "dear Lord, there isn't one left for me"....
The Father smiled and softly said "I've left you till the end -
I've turned my name inside-out and called you DOG, my friend".


                              THE $20 JOB

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her
girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take
her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare, and walked
directly towards her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her
apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll
do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how
kinky, for $20.00...... on one condition." (There are always conditions)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You
have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20
bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her
address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully
said.... "Clean my house."


                        OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed
home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed ...

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely
stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her
body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked
breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed
them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and
picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank
to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the
groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's
litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 PM and he hurried to
make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen
floor. ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with
them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to
do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did
the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded
the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned
the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put
them to bed. At 9 PM he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't
finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed
to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord,
I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being
able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned
your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."


    From Mad Mick of Marwick


First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to himself,
"There's something he's needing' ". After casting about for a suitable
pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever
so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out
the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he
whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe
and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just
to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing. Then he added a mouth.

Ruined the whole thing.


   From Minnesota Scott

                   Political Correctness For Kids

Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage-restrictive."

Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious follicle

No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook

You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness."

You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor-retentive athletic

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet
exchange of penned meditations."

You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a
mandatory field trip to the administrative building.


        A quickie from Allnutts


A man falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible
sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being
diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and
was in agony.

The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and
electrolytes, a sedative, a pain killer, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs.


  This weeks pics come from Mad Mick, Ian (The Scott) Stewart, Kirsten the
  Penny, Rugby "Tackles" Katherina, DigiSteve, Sister Carol, KeroSteve, Lady
  Deanna, Allnutts, Sir Doug, Ty the Tran , and Russell the New Man.

New yummy treats Click here

Bought on Mastercard Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Speed-camera Click here
Computer directions to IKEA Click here
Fragrance for Mechanics Click here
Smart kid Click here
Formular 1 Click here
7 best positions Click here


   From Little Di

                          Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend
suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose
anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your
problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample
and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample
and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various
lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper
on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and
how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this
machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample
from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he
masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the
machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made
the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get
him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation
clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a
lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get


    Another from Scott in Minneapolis

                              GHOST STORY

A photographer went to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a
ghost which was said to appear only once in a hundred years.

Not wanting to frighten off the ghost, the photographer sat in the dark
until midnight when the apparition became visible.

The ghost turned out to be friendly and consented to pose for one snapshot.
The happy photographer carefully composed the shot then took the picture.

He headed straight-way to his studio to develop the film. After some anxious
waiting for the processing to finish, he looked at the negative and groaned.
It was underexposed and completely blank.

Moral of the story: The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak...


   Quotes of the Weeks

(To those non-residents Pauline Hanson was thrown in jail last week for 3
years for electoral fraud.  She got 23% of the Queensland State vote some
years ago and accepted $500,000 for achieving enough of a quota (over 4%) to
be reimbursed for her campaign costs.  It turns out that her One Nation Party
was not correctly registered - so she had to give the money back - which she
did.  She then achieved over 1 million votes in a federal election.  But the
big parties were out for her blood and she's now been successfully convicted
of electoral fraud with no minimum term. It could only happen in Queensland!

And the PM, who's seriously misled parliament on at least three occasions
(that we know of) chuckles all the way to Kirribilli House ... after having
knocked off most of her rascist policies.

   "Of course I will be called racist, but if I can invite whom I want
    into my home then I should have a right to have a say on who comes into
    my country."
                                       Pauline Hanson - Sept 1996

   "We will decide who comes to this country and the circumstances under
    which they come."
                                           John Howard - Oct 2001

(And while this apparent danger to society is behind bars for three years
the murderers, rapists, child molesters, and parliamentary liars walk free.)


[ End Fri humour ]

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