Friday humour - August 22, 2003

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        Hi,
    First up this week, we've got a rare contribution from Katharina up in
    Rugby, NSW:
                              -------------------


                                 NELSON MANDELA

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he
hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip
board and yelling "You Sign! You sign!"  Behind him is an enormous truck
full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts
to yell louder. "You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts
the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.  When he opens it, the
little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his
clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese
man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want
them!"  And he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears
a knock on the door again.  On opening the door, there is the same little
Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You
sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man
by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you
understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:











(It's a beauty)












(wait for it)









Get your best Chinese accent ready .....











"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Okay - over to Dave McCallum now for some good one-liners ...
                              -------------------

                          BASIC PHILOSOPHY FOR THE WEEK

Some people are like Slinkies.  Not really good for anything, but you still
can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument
going.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that a lot of people die
of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a
weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground
easily, it is a valuable plant.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about
seeing UFOs like they use to?

I'm currently fasting to protest hunger strikes.

I used to be a professional ventriloquist. I had to pull a lot of strings to
get that job.

I just bought a used car. It's a convertible. You turn the key, and it
converts into a piece of crap.

I was on a game show. When I lost, they gave me a lovely parting gift. It was
a comb.

My parents were cruel to me when I was a child. They once got me a game
called Groin Darts.

My love life? Let's put it this way. In the gas station of life, I'm stranded
on the self-serve island.

I'm going through an awkward stage. You know, the one between birth and
death.

Do doctors use number two pencils to label their stool samples?

As a lover, I'm about as impressive as a magician on the radio.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     To the South of Africa now and Trevor at RAU, who writes:
     "Doing an all nighter and it is now 0630 ... I gave up on my project
     3 hours ago ..."
                              -------------------

                      TOILET SIGNS (some new, some old)

Some people come to sit and think.  Others come to shit and stink.  I come
here to rest my balls and Read the words upon the walls.

Seen above a urinal:
Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
We don't piss in your ashtrays!

I do not like this place at all:
The seat is too high and the hole is too small.
  [In another handwriting]
You open yourself to a simple retort:
Your ass is too big and your legs are too short

Written on the toilet paper dispenser:
'This toilet paper is like Clint Eastwood;
They're both rough and tough and don't take shit off of anybody!

On the inside of a toilet door:
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.

Our aim is to keep the toilet clean.
Your aim would be appreciated.

Written above a urinal in the mens restroom:
We are urinals!  We don't take no shit

Written on a bathroom wall:
"Question Authority" and written beneath it:
"Why?"

As you sit to take a shit
Rest a while and think a bit.
The last time that I beat my meat,
Was on this very toilet seat.

Sign seen at a restaurant:
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food ... please aim
properly.

Your hose is too short,
Or your pump is too weak,
You'd better stand close,
Or you'll piss on your feet!

                            ----====#===#===#===#----


                                 KIDS REVISITED

A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord's Prayer. For several
evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after the mother. Then one night
the child was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride to the carefully
enunciated words, right up to the end. "And lead us not into temptation, but
deliver us some e-mail"...

                                    --------

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked
back and was turned to salt."

His son asked,"What happened to the flea?"

                                    --------

On the first day of school, about mid-morning, the kindergarten teacher said,
"If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."

A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

                            ----====#===#===#===#----


                                 LETTERS TO GOD

Little Lennie came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His
birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother
what he wanted.

"Mum, I want a bike for my birthday " he said.

Little Lennie was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at
school and at home.  So Lennie's mother asked him if he thought he deserved
to get a bike for his birthday. Little Lennie, of course, thought he did.

Lennie's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Lennie to reflect on his
behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Lennie, and think about how you
have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you
deserve a bike for your birthday."

Little Lennie stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God
a letter:

                                     Letter #1
   Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.
I want a red one. - Lennie

Lennie knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,
so he tore up the letter and started over.

                                     Letter #2

   Dear God,
This is your friend Lennie. I have been a good boy this year and I would
like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend, Lennie

Lennie knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and
started again.

                                     Letter #3

   Dear God,
I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my
birthday. Your friend,Lennie.

Lennie knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Lennie wrote a
fourth letter.

                                     Letter #4

   God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a
good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank
you,Lennie.

Lennie knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.
By now Lennie was very upset. He went downstairs and told his Mum that he
wanted to go to church. Lennie's mother thought her plan had worked, as Lennie
looked very sad.

Just be home in time for dinner," Lennie's mother told him.

Lennie walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Lennie went
into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was
there. Lennie bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped
it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house,
and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a
pen. Lennie began to write his letter to God.

                                   Letter #5
  God,

I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN,SEND A BIKE.

   Signed,

     YOU KNOW WHO
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      To the pics and miscellaneous external links now.  First up, from
      Trevor at RAU:

The new, improved super-Mac: Click here
                           ------------------

      David Magnay came across these two ...

An update on the Space Elevator Click here

A Dark Future  Click here
                           ------------------

      And our gypsy scientist Lachlan passed this one on ...

Sign: Click here
                           ------------------

      This collection of interesting pics is from good ol' QCAT - draw
      your own conclusions ...

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here
Irish scarecrow: Click here
                           ------------------

      Kirsten passed these two on ...

Fortune teller: Click here
Where is Wally: Click here
                           ------------------

      And from Kero, we have ...

My Cooper: Click here
Optimal use of your kid: Click here
Signs: Click here Click here
New flavour: Click here
                           ------------------

      Mandy Matheson passed these on (and easily wins this week's bottle of
      FH grog for the most prolific collection :) ...

Another Harry P  Click here
Find the man: Click here
A news clipping from WA: Click here
Some interesting skeletons: Click here Click here Click here Click here
Motivational Exercise: Click here
Barbie updated: Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here
                           ------------------

      And then from Steve Harding, we received these ...

Apparently, a fire started in the vehicle and caused this.  A bit of "We
can do better than the Aussie arty guys" Click here
Bat-phone radiation reduction: Click here
Novel roller-coaster: Click here
                           ------------------

      Doug Knight passed these on.  We've had this IQ test before, so if
      you've already done it, you've got no excuse for not getting 100%:

IQ test: Click here
Do I look hungry, kid?  Click here
And how women will evolve to ensure that we look them in the eye whilst
talking ... Click here
                           ------------------

      Finally, a few bits that I found - the first two have been lying
      around in the in-tray for ages now (first is a bit risque) ...

Errr ... is this real?  Click here
And another Don Martin from Mad Mag ...  Click here

Finally, for those who may be interested, here's an episode from a classic Oz
radio serial called Dad and Dave (and thanks to Geoff down in Claremont in
Tassie for this).  This radio serial was originally recorded and broadcast
over a period of 16 years from the late 1930s until the mid 1950s via
the Macquarie Broadcasting Service in Australia.  And due to its popularity,
the series was then repeated up to the mid-1960's.  This particular episode
had Dad and Dave trying to pick girlie Christmas presents for Mum and Mabel.
So over to the farm at Snake Gully and Dad and Dave:

Dad and Dave Episode 543: Click here
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            Okay - to CUB now and this one from John the Klimek ...
                              -------------------

In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient
acting as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! what are
you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now ... I'm driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving
his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"

Charlie says "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some
rest."

"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."

The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and goes across the hall into Bob's
room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With
surprise, she asks, "Bob - what *are* you doing!?"

To which Bob replies, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife.  He's in Chicago!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         And this quickie from that place that's somewhat closer to the
         Equator than most of us, QCAT in sunny old Queensland ...
                              -------------------

  Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known
  family members are coming to the attention of the authorities.  Among
  the brothers are:

Sooflay ................. The restaurateur
Guday...................  The half-Australian brother
Huray...................  The sports fanatic
Bejay.................... The gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.......... The twins from the African mother
Sayhay................... The baseball player
Ojay..................... The stalker / murderer
Gulay.................... The singer / entertainer
Ebay..................... The internet czar
Biliray.................. The country music star
Ecksray.................. The radiologist
Puray.................... The blender factory owner
Regay.................... The half-Jamaican brother
Tupay.................... The one with bad hair

  Among the sisters are:

Pusay.................... The 'loose' 22 yr old
Lattay................... The coffee shop owner
Bufay.................... The 300 pound sister
Dushay................... The clean sister
Phayray.................. The zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway................. The grocery store owner
Ollay.................... The half-Mexican sister
Gudlay................... The prostitute

No doubt more will be discovered.

  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


                  And now for a news-flash from CUB John:
                              -------------------


                          EARTHQUAKE IN BROADMEADOWS

At 06:54am on Tuesday 22nd July, an earthquake measuring 4.8 on the Richter
scale hit Broadmeadows, an outer suburb of Melbourne, Victoria, causing
untold disruption and distress.

Many were woken well before their dole cheques arrived, and several priceless
collections of mementos from the Jim Beam range and the Harley Davidson
T-Shirt Show were damaged.

Three acres of historic and scientifically significant garbage were disturbed.
Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact
that something interesting has happened in Broadmeadows.

One resident, Donna-Marie Dutton, a 17 year old mother-of-three said,
"It was such a shock, little Chantal-Leanne came running into my bedroom
crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it. I
was still shaking when I was watching Days of our Lives the next morning."

Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal.

The Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Woodstock and Cola
and Winfield Blue to the area to help the stricken masses.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities of personal belongings including dole forms and vast quantities
of jewellery from Cash Converters.


                              HOW YOU CAN HELP

$10.00 buys hots chips, Lollies and Coke for a family of four.

$20.00 will buy beer & smokes for the whole family and assist in getting the
garbage back to where it belongs so the children can play on it and among
the national collection of stinging nettles.

50 cents buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim.


                               PLEASE ACT NOW

Simply email us by return with your credit card details and we'll do the
rest! If you prefer to donate cash, there are collection points available
at your local branches of any Smoke Mart, Tattoo Parlour or TAB.
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


      And to finish off in fine style for another week, it's back to
      our CompSci student Trevor over at RAU who found these bits of
      news trivia as he got himself high from lack of sleep recently ...
                              -------------------


             STUDY: UNEDUCATED OUTBREEDING INTELLIGENTSIA 2-TO-1

VOLUME 31 ISSUE 18 13 MAY 1997

CHICAGO

In a report with dire implications for the intellectual future of America,
a University of Chicago study revealed Monday that the nation's uneducated
are breeding twice as soon and twice as often as those with university
diplomas. "The average member of the American underclass spawns at age 15,
compared to age 30 for the average college-educated professional," study
leader Kenneth Stalls said.  "America's intellectual elite, as a result,
is badly losing the genetic marathon, with two generations of dullards born
for every one generation of cultured literates."

Added Stalls: "At this rate, by the year 2100 there will be five smart people
on Earth, swallowed whole by more than 12 billion mouth-breathers incapable
of understanding the binary exponentiation that swamped the Earth with
their like."

High-school dropout Mandi Drucker, 16, said of the findings,
"All I know is, we're in love."

                            ----====#===#===#===#----


                         GAY GENE ISOLATED, OSTRACIZED

VOLUME 31 ISSUE 13 8 APRIL 1997
BALTIMORE

On Friday, scientists at Johns Hopkins University isolated the gene which
causes homosexuality in human males, promptly separating it from normal,
heterosexual genes. "I had suspected that gene was queer for a long time
now. There was just something not quite right about it," team leader Dr.
Norbert Reynolds said. "It's a good thing we isolated it.  I wouldn't want
that faggot-ass gene messing with the straight ones"

Among the factors Reynolds cited as evidence of the gene's gayness were
its pinkish hue, meticulously frilly perimeter, and faint but distinct
perfume-like odor.

                            ----====#===#===#===#----


                           RITALIN CURES NEXT PICASSO

VOLUME 35 ISSUE 27 4 AUGUST 1999

WORCESTER, MA Area

Seven year-old Douglas Castellano's unbridled energy and creativity are
no longer a problem thanks to Ritalin, doctors for the child announced
Friday. "After years of failed attempts to stop Douglas' uncontrollable bouts
of self-expression, we have finally found success with Ritalin," Dr. Irwin
Schraeger said.

"For the first time in his life, Douglas can actually sit down and not think
about lots of things at once."

Castellano's parents reported that the cured child no longer tries to draw
on everything in sight, calming down enough to show an interest in television.
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[ End Friday humour ]



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