Friday humour - August 15, 2003

     From Davo at bluehaze:


    Salutations and Yo!

While the World's most Liveable City suffers it's coldest winters morning
last weekend it's never been steamier in the Motherland.

Unilever Joe scribes ...

 "All is well here in the motherland for another week, despite the
  soaring temperatures. Our trains had their speed limited,
  initially to 60mph, then down to 20mph due to fears that the
  tracks might buckle under the extreme heat. Over here in Unilever,
  noone seemed to understand the concept of airconditioning. It's
  warm outside, so everyone cranks up the aircon. And then they open
  all the windows... Amazing how the country is grinding to a
  standstill.

  We hit 36.7 C in the South, just short of the record. Tomorrow, the
  north is expected to exceed 35, a new record. Global Warming? What
  global warming? If it means that we can have a decent summer, then lets
  keep burning all the coal we can find... (obviously, I'm not serious
  before Fiona and co get hold of this and acuse me of wanting to
  murder the world.)

  Footie season starts next week. Chelsea and Real have brought eveyone
  who can kick a ball. Should be fun..."

Way to go Joe!


Before the funnies try this quick quiz sent in by the golden one - the Duke
of Nexhip: Click here

Or try this fortune-telling one sent in by you know who you are ... Click here

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   First up this week, a re-invented one from Owen ...

1. WOMEN'S SOFTWARE

                              BOYFRIEND 5.0


Dear Tech Support

Last year, I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and
jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In
addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs
such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and
House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3
to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

  Signed,
    Desperate

HELPDESK REPLY:

Dear Desperate

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband
1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED
ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed,
Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and
Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to
Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 which is a very bad program
that will create Snoring Loudly. wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another
Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally
recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

  Good Luck!
    Tech Support

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2. MEN'S SOFTWARE

                               GIRLFRIEND 7.0

Dear Tech Support

I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to
Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing
and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't
mentioned in the product brochure.

In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches
during system initialisation where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run, and
crash the system whenever selected.  Attempting to operate Saturday Rugby
6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any
of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend
7.0 but de-install doesn't work on this program.

Can you please help!

Joe.

HELPDESK REPLY

Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is
merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is a CONTROLLER
designed by its creator to run everything.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to
Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible
to de-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once
installed. Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0,
but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child
Support and Solicitors Fees).

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal
with the difficulties as best you can. When any faults or problems occur,
whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\I APOLOGISE program
and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\I
APOLOGISE a number of times, but hopefully eventually the operating system
will return to normal.

Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance program, can be very rewarding. To
get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers
2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as
this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost
certainly crash.

  Good Luck!

    Tech Support

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        And from Alnutts ...

                              TURKEY SANDWICHES

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
they both brought turkey sandwiches for lunch every day! This went on all
through the fourth and fifth grades until one day the little boy noticed
that the little girl's sandwich wasn't a turkey sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating turkey?"

She said, "I love it, but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said, "'Cause I'm starting to grow little
feathers down there!"

"Let me see," he said. She pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's
right, you are! Better not eat any more turkey."

He kept eating his turkey sandwiches, though, until one day he brought
peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating turkey.
I'm starting to get feathers down there, too."

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said,
"Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and
gizzards!!!"

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A collection from Digi-Steve Harding

                               LOST BALLS

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into
the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get
his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in
the patch.

All of a sudden . . . POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman
appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to
make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your
popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for
your toast for the rest of your life... as a matter of fact, you won't have
any butter for anything the rest of your life!" THEN POOF! She was gone.

After Dave got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred,
where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."

Dave yells back... "DON'T SWING, FRED!!! For the love of God, DON'T SWING!!!"

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                            TOILET WISDOM

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.
- Women's restroom, DeweyBeach, Delaware

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's..."Hi, how are you?"
- Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up
with her crap.
- Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina

Make love, not war. Hell, do both - get married!
- Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tyres or testicles, you're going to have
trouble with it.
- Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas

No wonder you always go home alone.
- Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, California

Beauty is only a light switch away.
- Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Flagstaff, Arizona

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
- Revolution Books, New York, New York

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
- Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, Illinois

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
- Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, Kentucky

Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy
and hard to light.
- The Janitor

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                                  1 2 3

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.

He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind," and refers him
to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you
could possibly be cured."

Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame,
and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it
once a year!

All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you
wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it
will go down.

But be warned: it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the
good news.

So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an
erection.

His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"

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   This weeks pics come from an odd assortment ... including Trina, Kirsten
   Penny, KeroSteve, Mandie, Allballs, Deanna, Little Di, and Big Di(ck):

Signs: Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Anti car theft device (heavy duty model) Click here
What a guy Click here
The awful truth Click here
Harry Potter ads Click here Click here
Gingerbread bliss Click here
Naughty doggie Click here
Cheap trip Click here
Hope Click here
Jeepers! Click here

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    Back to ASCII with Kero-Steve

                      WHO'S THE MOST CANADIAN???

Two families move from Pakistan to Canada. When they arrive, the fathers
make each other a bet -in a year's time, whichever family has become more
Canadian will win.

A year later when they meet again, the first guy says, "My son's playing
hockey, I had Tim Horton's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a
two-four for tonight. How about you, eh?"

The second guy says, " Fuck you, Pakki."


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    Some mirth from Mandie Matho

                          PRIEST & DRUNK DUDE

A drunk man who smelled like gin sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a
half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man
turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with
prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

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                            MARRIAGE (PART I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding,
he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table
unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing,
boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give
me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night . . . whether you're here or
not."

                            MARRIAGE (PART II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary.

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

                            MARRIAGE (PART III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and
storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings
her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says,
"What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion."
                               -  -  -  -  -

"God may have created man before woman but there is always a rough draft
before the masterpiece."

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Quote of the Week

   "Although my nation's leaders consistently behave like a troop
    of sub-standard baboons, in foreign parts, there still lingers
    a fondness for our wacky little island full of lies. "

                          - Al Kennedy, "The Guardian"  (London, UK)

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[ End Fri humour ]


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