Friday humour - August 08, 2003

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        Okay - gidday,
     And lotsa good stuff this week from all over the place - John over at
     the malthouse, David Mags, Maria and Steve the Harding, Kero, Andrew
     Smith, James Powell, Castle Books, Brian D McNicol, Jon Rumbelow, QCAT,
     John Firth and Chris Vernon.

     Let's start with some of John's stuff.  This first one was also passed
     on by UK Brian - good one to tell your mates if they haven't heard it:

                               THE AMAZING CLAUDE

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the
bill.  People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who
invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend
to hypnotise each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this watch.  It's a very special watch.
Its been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ..."

The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, the lights
gleaming off its polished surface.  Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch - until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.


                              MORE FLYING HUMOUR

Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!!  Do you have the
airfield in sight?!?!!"

Cessna: "Uh ... Tower, I am on the south ramp.  I just want to know where the
fuel truck is."

A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked, "How long does it
take to fly to Boston?"

The clerk said, "Just a minute."

"Thank you," the man said and hung up.


A man walks up to the counter at the airport. "Can I help you?" asks the agent.

"I want a round trip ticket," says the man.

"Where to?" asks the agent

"Right back to here."


A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York
and said to the clerk, "I'm flying to Los Angeles.  I want the square case to
go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle."

"I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that."

"Why not?  You did it last time!"

                David Magnay passed on this interesting tale ...

                        WAAH ... WHERE'S MY RUBBER DUCKY

Oceanographer Curt Ebbesmeyer has been tracking the paths of toys, such as
these that came from a shipwreck in 1992 ...

Rubber Duckies: Click here

            And from the guys over at Castle Hill Books in the UK:

Blair for President (they could do worse!)  Click here

        Two more contributions from CUB John just before we get onto the
        week's visual/audible material:

                            ON LANGUAGE AND PUNS ...

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

In democracy your vote counts.  In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.


                               ON MEN AND MICE

1. Don't imagine you can change a man unless he's in nappies

2. Q: What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?  A: You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too small to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men.  You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell
   them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some
   woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are do-it-yourself types.

9. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old
   for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered the desert for 40 years.  See?  Even in
    Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque

14. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes.  It
    means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.



A policeman was doing a tour of the local lovers lane late at night.

He came upon a car where a young fella was sitting in the front playing a hand
held video game, whilst in the back sat a young lady who was knitting.  The
policeman decided to investigate and asked the young man what he was doing.

"Playing a video game" came the smug reply.

"Well, what's the girl doing then?", he enquired.

"Well, she's obviously knitting, isn't she?"

"Okay, okay", the policeman says, getting slightly exasperated.  "Well, how
old are you then, sonny?"

"I'm 18" came the quick reply.

"Well, what about the girl?  How old is she?"

"She'll be 16 in about 20 minutes".

   [ Reminds me of that great 1980 Dragon (NZ) song - Click here ]


                                  TO DA PICS

      So onto this weeks pics and things, beginning with these as passed
      on by James (bikie) Powell:

Put me out: Click here
Monday Test: Click here

      Andrew Smith passed these two on - first has this small explanation:
      "It was copied from July 2003 APC magazine CD.  It's the executives of
       nVidia sitting around having a joke about how noisy the 5800 card is.
       Their latest card (5900) is a lot quieter"
      Fairly large file (4.7Mb) - will take a while to load if you're the
      first in your region ...

nVidia video card: Click here


Mail spam: Click here

        And from Steve the Harding, this one:
     House in the Canadian country ... $1 Million
     Three luxury cars .... $150,000
     Leaving town during a cold winter without turning off the water pipes in
     your garage ...

Errrr ... yeh ... Click here

         Okay now, Lee -  Biggus McCallum passed these on!

Effort Logging: Click here
From the Columbia: Click here

         Maria the Harding passed these on during the past cupla weeks ...

Little fire starter: Click here
Warner Brothers: Click here
How to tell if your cat has seen you naked: Click here
Nostradamus say  Click here

     I don't think I'll even try to label these ones from QCAT ... enjoy:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

         Chris Vernon posted this really cute one across a few days ago:

Earning your keep at the RSPCA: Click here

        Steve the Harding saw this interesting "10 Top Reasons ..." and
        reckoned you might appreciate it:

Top 10 Reasons why ... Click here

        And from the one and only Steve Kero, we have:

Chinese Military Police: Click here
Tanning lines: Click here

                 Ah, what the heck - a couple more from QCAT ...

This sign complies: Click here

    We had this next one back in Oct 2000 but it didn't work reliably, with
    M$ MediaPlayer at least.  This version from up North seems fine though:

The Frog and Princess: Click here

        Finally, some audio.  This is one hour's worth, so best heard at home
        when you have some time late at night to put your feet up and warm
        your toes by the PC.  There was this thing 50 years ago called the
        "Redex Reliability Trial" (and later the Ampol Trial), where a bunch
        of lunatics jumped in cars and drove around Australia before most of it
        had any roads.  Quite fascinating listening if you can find the time -
        these must have been a *lot* of fun ...

Redex Reliability Trial (ABC "Hindsight" prog, Sunday Aug 3): Click here

Or you can also read about it in various places, eg: Click here

        Interestingly, one of the rally competitors (Jack Davey, who also
        happened to be the King of Australian Radio in those days) recently
        turned up on a CD sent by Geoff down in Claremont (Tasmania).  I
        didn't realise it, but Jack actually had Barry Jones on his "Dulux
        Show" at one stage.

        None of which will mean anything to most of you, but for those of
        you in Oz who are old enough to remember steam radio, you may well
        find this interesting ...

Jack Davey, 1954 - with Barry Jones (Macquarie Broadcasting Service): Click here

 [ PS: If you have problems playing these MP3 files, just load a free player
  down from Winamp.  Sounds great, doesn't take over your PC like RealAudio,
  and doesn't generate junk mail like RealAudio: Click here ]


      Okay, back to the textual stuff and something from Jon Rumbelow (UK):

A Few More Canine Crossbreeds -
   (After BFXRD's of Feb '02 and Chris Solnordal's of May '98)

Doberman & Bulldog = Dobbull Cross: Not to be trusted.

Gordon Setter & Kerry Blue = Gordon Blue: Fussy eater.

Jack Russell & Shih-Tzu: Little known about this breed.

(Caucasian) Ovcharka & Cairn Terrier = CharkaCairn: Proof that dogs do have

Newfoundland & Yorkshire Terrier = New York, New York: So good they named it
twice.  (NB Cross-breed with Foxhound to get NewShire Fox: sleeps on your
s-s-single bed.)

(Swedish) Vallhund & Kerry Blue = VallKerry: Only breed known to ride horses.

Chihuahua & Schipperke = HuaSchipp: Quite aggressive.

Schipperke & Black Russian = Terrier Perk(e)ussian: Popular amongst musicians
(simple to look after, see).

Fox Terrier & Otterhound = Foxerhound: Somewhat disobedient.

Bull Mastiff & Yorkie = Stiffie: A breed that can cause nervous reactions in
women.  Especially on the first date.

              And here's another quickie from Maria the Harding ...


A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom.
He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.  Not to be
denied, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love
to her.

Later he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find
breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We just made love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there!  She came over early
and had complained of having a headache.  I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this
happened.  Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed "Well, I haven't spoken to that jerk for fifteen
years and I wasn't about to start now!"

                       Here's another one from CUB ...

                              RED RIDING HOOD

Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf
crouched down behind a log.

"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Red Riding Hood.

The wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road RRH sees the wolf again.  This time he is crouched behind
a tree stump.

"My what big ears you have Mr Wolf", says RRH.

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track RRH sees the wolf again, this time crouched down
behind a road sign.

"My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf", taunts RRH.  With that the Big Bad Wolf
jumps up and screams:

"Will you f__k off, I'm trying to have a crap".

               And from Kero, some AFL football humour ...


Denis Pagan has announced that every player on the senior list at Carlton
is up for trade.  For interested buyers here is a short summary of each
player's current status.

Matthew Allan - Currently the best ruckman at the club, which is like being
the prettiest woman in Iraq.

Callan Beasy - At this rate will bring up his 100th game in 2037.

Simon Beaumont - I think he once had a good half against someone.

Blake Campbell - I don't know enough about footy to know about him.

Scott Camporeale - Wants out and who could blame him.

Cameron Croad - Recruited under the spastic brother rule.

Justin Davies - Attempted to escape mid-season but only made it as far as
Shepparton before he was caught.

Andrew Eccles - Traded for Kris Massie.

Game, set, match. - Adelaide.

Brendan Fevola - Very reliable, strong character.  Carlton plan to build a
team around him.

Brad Fisher - Promising forward with bright future if he doesn't get
trampled by Lance.

Simon Fletcher - Hopes to finish his career back with Geelong Reserves if
his form lifts.

Anthony Franchina - Back in the ones.  He hasn't improved, everyone else has
got worse.

Scott Freeborn - Supposed to be de-listed in 2001 but the paperwork got

Barnaby French - Great catching skills, could end up in the Bangladeshi
slip cordon.

Adrian Hickmott - So much happier now.

Ryan Houlihan - One of Carlton's toughest, now doesn't that say something.

Darren Hulme - Unhappy and uncontracted.

Anthony Koutoufides  - His knee is as pretty as his wife.

Matthew Lappin - Hates Pagan Loves Beer

Luke Livingston - Will inherit Mick Martyn's position, as League's most
unskilled player.

The Mighty M's - Manton, Martyn, Mathews, McKernan, Merrington, Murphy and
McKenzie - All to be de-listed.

Andrew McKay - In career best form or is it just an illusion?  Check the
meaning of contrast to find the answer.

Karl Norman - Like the flowering hibiscus he was born, flourished and faded
all in a single day.

Jim Plunkett - Jim Plukett one of the great names in NFL, not so great in
the AFL.

Ian Prendergast - Great aerobic capacity which will come in handy chasing
opponents over the next few years.

Brett Ratten - See Adrian Hickmott.

Kade Simpson - "I think I may have over estimated this Simpson fellow" -
Montgomery C.  Burns, Dental Plan episode.

Trent Sporn - They say he's great, I say how do you know?

Bret Thornton - I'm confused, who's better him or Wiggins.

Simon Wiggins - I'm confused, who's better him or Thornton.

Jarrad Waite - Courageous lad.  Has had to overcome the personal tragedy of
playing for Carlton.

Lance Whitnall - Carlton fans love him and there'll be more of him to love
in 2004.

Laurence Angwin - My client pleads not guilty Your Honour.

Tom Hedge - Who!!

Jon McCormick - Good young lad, should get out while he can.

Sean O'Keefe - Has done enough to get de-listed and re-drafted again.

Michael Stinear - No idea who he is but he must still be a chance to win
the Carlton B&F this year.

               Back to Maria the H now with this little collection:

                            LIFE ISN'T FAIR TO MEN.

When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.

When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.

When we die, our widows get the life insurance.

What do women want to be liberated from?


Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going

Forty years of having his wife ask the same question

And at the end, the mourners wondering too.


A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind:  "If you
take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.

The man was astonished.  He went on! , and after a while he was going to cross
the road.

Once again the voice shouted: "Stop!  Stand still!  If you take one more step a
car will run over you, and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the
corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "Where the hell were you when I got married?"

       Okay - well, it wouldn't be complete without publishing the additional
       book titles which arrived following Wayne's fairly exhaustive list
       from two weeks ago.  Firstly, from Brian (UK), we have:

    In response to Tony's book authors a few additions from years gone by:

    * Stop in the Desert by Mustapha Pee

    * Nail on the Bannister by R. Stornaway

    * Cutting it Fine by Moses Lawn

    * My Life as a Charity Collector by Philip Mc Cann

    * My Life as a Charity Collector in Saudi Arabia by Ygorra Sheik Yapokits

    * Scottish Poofters by Ben Doon and Phil McCavity

        And Jon Firth (up in Darwin) added some more too, including:

"Escape from Russia" by Ima Knikanov

"Russian Torture" by Katya Kochov

And with regard to contributors from the old dart, a short and amusing poem:

"Australia is a wonderful place
It's full of great sheilas and blokes
The air is clear and no one's queer
Except in Pommie jokes"
[ End Friday humour ]

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