Friday humour - August 01, 2003

     From Davo at bluehaze:


G'day and Yo!

I only generally visit the acclaimed Bluehaze site once a fortnight.  And
was pleased to find a message from UK Joe.  Apparently after the British
heatwave he enjoyed the rain.

We in the Antipodies haven't got too much history - at the mo we haven't
even got decent weather - but we battle on.

Maybe Brian, Mad Mick, Joe, etc could tell us why it's still so good to
live in the Mother Country - and of course supply relevant webcams to back
up their arguments.

Keep those interesting web sites coming in.  This interesting - if a tad
coarse one - is from DigiSteve.  It's recommended that your volume be
turned low - Click here

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   First up this week - from Alnutts

                      ONIONS AND CHRISTMAS TREES 1

A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of
breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a
bit.

After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

                           ----oo00oo----

                     ONIONS AND CHRISTMAS TREES 2

A young woman asks her mother, "Mum, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three

phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and

hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."

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   This is something I found the other day on a newsgroup.  The perpetrator is
   a regular who has never contributed anything sensible ... (Poster's names
   have been changed etc.)


                            WHAT A WANKER!

   From: NeverMind (nevermind@yahoo.com)
   Subject: Re: New way for pay TV to snag viewers
   Newsgroups: alt.satellite.tv.australasia, aus.tv.digital, aus.tv.pay
   Date: 2003-07-24 14:56:03 PST


NewsMan <dickless@nonuts.com> wrote in message
news:0IDTa.10699$OM3.10321@news-server.bigpond.net.au...

> ....The number of core Foxtel subscribers is believed to be growing at
> an annualised rate of 7per cent.

Not a shred of evidence of that.

> But it expects an acceleration with digital TV.

And its expectations may well be dashed on that.

> Foxtel spokesman Mark Furness says digital will lead to an "increase in
> choice and increase the appeal of the product".

Corse he would claim that, wouldnt he ?

> He cites the BSkyB example where that group had 3 million subscribers
> but numbers surged to 8 million in a few years after digital was introduced.

Taint gunna happen here, you watch.

Our market is completely different, stupid.

> Indeed, the free-to-air networks are bracing to lose customers.

Pigs arse they are.

> The head of the Seven Network, David Leckie, said recently free-to-air
> networks would "lose some eyeballs" to pay TV over the next few years,

Must be one of those rocket scientist wankers.

> "but we will march on".

Spew on, anyway.

> Foxtel's Williams has set a goal for penetration of Australian households
> at between 35 per cent and 40 per cent, up from 23 per cent at the moment.

Williams can set any 'goal' he likes. That's just desperate wanking.

> It also wants to earn more from each,

And we'll see if many of the customers will do that.

> or in telecoms language, boost the average revenue per user.

Wota fucking wanker.

> "The objective of the business is to grow ARPU.

Wota fucking wanker.

> Digital clearly does that. BSkyB has proven that," Furness says.

Completely irrelevant to what will happen here, wanker.

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   This weeks pics are very likely from newbie Kirsten Penny, Malisja,
   KeroSteve, Little Di, Ty, Handy Mandie, David T, and DigiSteve.

   Some of these pics may have sneaked on before ... cleverly under other
   alias filenames ...

Demotivational #1 Click here
Demotivational #2 Click here
Demotivational #2 Click here
Demotivational #2 Click here
Demotivational #2 Click here
Demotivational #2 Click here

Nice job Click here

Joan Kirner's back! Click here

Camp Hell Click here

Military coup Click here

Life is short Click here

Gurning Click here

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                          ART APPRECIATION

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at
a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three
very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures
had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting
the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour
explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans
in a predominately white, patriarchal society. In fact," he pointed out,
"some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural
and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said:
"Noo - would y'like to know whut the painting i rrreally aboot?"

"Now why would you claim to be! more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.

"In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three
Scottish coal-miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

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              From Ty ...

                              WEIGHT LOSS

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health
risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an
ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them
up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands
before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing
but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces
herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If
you can catch me, you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing
and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way
this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days
and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is
delighted to find he has lost 10lb. as promised

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound program. The next day
there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful,
sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running
shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have
me." He's out the door or after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but
when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days,
the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs
himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound
program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. This is our
most rigorous program." Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good
in years".

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a
muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a
sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

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Quote of the Week:

    "The US no longer needs to call upon God; it is God, and
     those who go abroad to spread the light do so in the name
     of a celestial domain. The flag has become as sacred as
     the Bible; the name of the nation as holy as the name of
     God. The presidency is turning into a priesthood."


                           George Monbiot, "The Guardian" (London, UK)


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[ End Fri humour ]


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