Friday humour - July 25, 2003

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

      Bit of a rush this week (didn't get near the damn computer till 1AM),
      so the textual stuff will be quite a random selection.  First up, it's
      a quickie from Maria the Harding:

                             A BLONDE WAS SPEEDING

A police cruiser pulled over a blonde.  The police officer also happened
to be a blonde. She asked for the blonde's driver's license.

The driver searched frantically in her purse.  "What does a driver's license
look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said "It's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again.  She found a small
rectangular mirror down in the bottom. She held it up to her face and said,
"Ah-Ha!  This is my driver's license."

The blonde cop looked in the mirror. She handed it back to the driver.

"Okay, you're free to go. If I'd known you were a police officer too, we could
have avoided all this hassle."

         Trevor (still struggling with the agonies of his Computer Science
         course over at RAU, South Africa) also posts the occasional comment
         or a few pics - so just before we check out Wayne's book list ...

Struggling through a bit of assembler programming. At the moment I put
garbage into my prog & get garbage out.

Let me see, who can I offend today?

'A man is as young as the woman he feels.'
      - Unknown

Did You Know...

  Women fake orgasms because they think us men are bothered.

  India doesn't have a World Cup football team. When they get a corner they
  build a shop on it.

  Mexico doesn't have an Olympic team. Everybody who can run, jump and swim
  are already in America.

               Nextly, from Wayne down the hall in Finance ...


The Yellow River by I.P. Daily

The Numbers Game by Cal Q. Later

Under the Bleachers by Seymour Butts

Rusty Bed Springs by I.P. Freeley

Twenty yards to the Out House by Willie Makit and illustrated by Betty Wont

Spots on the Wall by Hugh Flung Poo

Falling Off a Cliff by Eileen Dover

The Complete Proctologist's Handbook by Ben Dover

The Joys of Drinking by Al Coholic

My Life with Igor by Frank N. Stein

Supporting Athletes by Jacques Strappe

Things That Itch by Mike Rotch

I Was Prepared by Justin Case

Green Spots on the Wall by Picken and Flicken

What Makes a Good Thief by Ian Yerhous

Waiting in Line for the Bathroom by Ivana Tinkle

Practical proctology by Bea Hind

The future of robotics by Cy Borg and Anne Droid

What to do if you're in a car accident by Rhea Ender

How things work by Wyatt Dunne

Breathing lessons by Hal E. Tosis

Why Should I Walk? by Iona Carr

Deep in Debt by Owen A. Lott

The Most and the Least by Maxi & Minnie Mum

Taking a Test by B.A. Wiseman

The Sun by Sol Ar

Blazing!! by Lotta Heat

Computer Memory by Meg A. Byte

Gotta Go by C. U. Later

How to Serve Your Fellow Man by The Cannibals

Can't Go There by Hans Off

Card Suits by Di A. Mond

Checking Your Homework by R.U. Wright

The Membership List by Ross Terr

The Giant Clock Tower by "Big" Ben

All About Flowers by Chris Anthymum

Short Shorts by Daisy Duke

Boy Scouts by Pat Troll

The Lost Scout by Werram Eye

Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean

Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches

Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance

Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette

The Amish Phone Book

The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

Things I Wouldn't Do for Money by Dennis Rodman

Human Rights Advances in China

The Differences Between Reality and Dilbert

The Book of Virtue by Bill Clinton

My Life's Memories by Ronald Reagan

Things I Can't Afford by Bill Gates

Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton

All the Satisfied Windows Users

Usages for Plutonium in the kitchen

Three Hundred And Twelve Ways To Die By Household Appliance by Sue I. Cide

The Day I Took Mr. Winky and Threw Him In A Sewer by L. Bobbit

How to Project Your Voice by Milli Vanilli

How to Love Everyone by Adolf Hitler

How to be a Kamikaze Pilot by Osama Bin Laden

Kitty's Revenge by Claude Balls

Brown Streaks Across the Desert by Who Flung Dung

Ten Years in the Bathtub by Rink Lee Prune

Tiger in the Bathroom by Heidi Ingthe Tub

How to Eat Cereal by Poor A. Bowl

Technology in the 21st century by Rob Ott

Things Women Can't Do by B. A. Mann

Gotta Go To The Bathroom by Think L. Maket, Illustrated by Betty Went

The Art of Being of Discreet by Anonymous

What Happens When You Light A Fart by Hugh Gexplo Zhun

Bubbles in the Bath by Ivor Windybottom

Can't Sit Still by Ivan Auflitch

I Must Go Again by D. I. Aria

Interesting Places Around The World by Ben There & Don That

Pop Goes the Hamster and Other Great Microwave Games

The Importance of Telling the Truth by Bill Clinton

Paris Monuments by I. Phil Taurer

The Sheets Are Wet by I.P. Nightly

The Bearded Chinaman by Harry Chin

How to Exercise by Eileen and Ben Dover

100 ways to Diet by I. M. Hungry

One Wife is Best by Henry VIII

Getting Fired by Anita Job

Great Resturants by Bo Leamick

A Sailor's Adventure by Ron A. Ground

Green Vegetables by Brock Ali

Raise Your Arms by Harry Pitt

Long Walk Home by Miss. D. Bus

Sitting on the Beach by Sandy Cheeks

Window Coverings by Kurt and Rod

Wheels in China by Rick Shaw

How To Dance by Sheik Yerbouti

Something Smells by I. Ben Pharting

I.Q. Competitions by Samar T. Pants

The Secret of Touching Your Toes by Ben Dover

The View of the Skyline by Bill Ding

My Life as a Gas Station Attendant by Phil R. Awp

Embarassing Missing Items by Bikin E. Bottoms

How to Manage Your Company's Finances by AMP

         Onto a few pics now, and first up, one from Rob White:

Bushy Click here

         Plus a couple from Maria H (this first one comes with a story):

                               STRESS TEST

Here's a simple test designed to indicate whether people have too much
stress in their life.

It's a picture of two dolphins.  The two dolphins appear normal when viewed
by a stress-free individual.  This test is not accurate enough to pick up
mild stress levels.

If there is anything that appears different about the dolphins, it is often
an indication of potential stress-related problems.  Differences, if any,
may also indicate the source of your stress.

Sit upright and view the screen head-on, take a deep breath, breathe out and
then open the picture and look directly at it.  If there is anything out of
the ordinary then you should consider taking things a little easier.


Stress Test: Click here

    ... and also ...

Design: Click here

    And from Steve the Harding:

Skippy: Click here

              These arrived from Mandie Matheson ...

More billboards Click here
Opinion? Click here
   and this one was also sent over by Kero:
My other car ... Click here

           And these ones came from Kero:

 Click here Click here

        Another Don Martin from Pierre in France ...

On the Bowery: Click here

            And finally, from Trevor over at RAU ...

Bay watch: Click here
Warning Click here
Warning Click here
Warning Click here
Warning Click here

   and if you enjoyed those, go check out Something Awful at:
   Click here

        Back to ASCII now and this little article via David Magnay:

                              STARS IN THEIR EYES

Astronomers in Australia say there are 10 times more stars in the visible
universe than all the grains of sand on the world's beaches and deserts.

>From the darkest parts of Earth, the naked human eye can see about 5,000
stars. From a brightly-lit city street, only about 100.

The actual number of stars 'could be infinite'

But modern telescopes tell a different story.

The Australian astronomers used some of the world's most powerful instruments
to measure the brightness of all the galaxies in one sector of the universe -
and calculate how many stars they must contain.

>From that measurement they proceeded to work out a figure for the whole of
the visible universe, which they believe is much more accurate than previous

That figure - presented to the International Astronomical Union conference in
Sydney - is the kind that really can be called astronomical: 70 sextillion,
or seven followed by 22 zeroes.

That is more than the total number of grains of sand in all the Earth's
beaches and deserts. But that is only the stars in the visible universe,
within range of our telescopes.

Dr Simon Driver of the Australian National University says the actual
total could be much, much bigger still - in fact, it could be infinite.
He believes that many of the stars out there have planets, and some of those
probably have life.

 [ From Click here ]


         A few Billy Connolly throw-aways as passed on by Kero ...

                         THINGS I HATE ABOUT EVERYBODY

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.  I know where
my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I
ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room
for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the
channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why
the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who
and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser,
I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice
there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there
must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn
 thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.
So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's
really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image
I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the
'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger,
just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it
in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?'
"Yes, fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off."

          Over to the UK now and a couple from Brian D. McNicol, Esq:


A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."

"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. "I'm celebrating, too,"
she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?"

"I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today
they're finally fertile."

"What a coincidence," the woman said. "For my husband and I have been trying
to have a child. Today, my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your
chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.



A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies are
hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies are taking their time, and when finally the last one is ready
to hit the ball, she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it and hacks it
another 10 feet.

She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically: "I guess
all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately replies, "Well, you see, that's your problem.
You should have taken golfing lessons instead."

       The gypsy scientist (Lachlan ... also the other half of Bluehaze,
       ex-Daresbury and ex-CSIRO) has finally tired of London and moved
       countries once again - this time to Canada and Chalk River.  They a
       reactor there, so he'll be able to do lots of X-Ray experiments.
       Anyway, this recent update on things in Canada (esp the drug scene)
       may be of some interest ... :-)

                               LETTER FROM CANADA

Things seem to be getting better in BumCrack Nowhere - Spring is definitely
here - though some trees are still have not sprouted leaves.

Spent Sunday canoeing at a place call Barron Canyon in Algonquin Park (quite
near my rental house in Deep River) with friends (a quite spectacular gorge)
and lots of nice lakes and Rivers here for canoeing around.  Buying my own
canoe definitely now a priority.

  On the goss side:

They had a minor carnival here in Deep River last week - mainly rides for the
kids. Was browsing through with other people from work and was smelling a lot
of what I thought to be burning rubber. I was informed (with some raising of
eyebrows of my naivety) that it was Cannibis. As far as I have been informed,
this is quite a pot-head part of Ontario - with the police ignoring much of
the personal use - as if they didn't ignore this, a great percentage of the
populace would be up on criminal charges.

This revelation was quite a surprise to me given Deep River being publicised
as a "crime free" area. (?). This being tolerated, Deep River is still stated
as being a crime free zone - with still not much for the police to do but go
after people who don't stop at Stop/Arret signs. With the large lots of land
here - growing your own is supposedly common practise - as well as planting
plants in your neighbours lot in case the police ever do try and crack down.

At this canoe trip, I was given much advice on the horticulture of growing
Cannibis for home use.  I learned quite a bit (heresay) - such as the male
plant supposedly not having the active ingredient(?) - and if you want the
female plants to have lots of active ingredient resin - make sure to remove any
growing male Cannibis plants in the vacinity - as once the female plants are
polinated, they cease making the Cannibis resin. Grafting of female plants,
to minimize/negate the negative influence of male plants, is practised by
the conneuseur. This apparent government tolerance of the populace taking
Cannibis seems quite a contrast to the US style of pursuing such "sinful"
behaviour and putting people in prison.

Anyway, as my Victorian style prudery on alcohol extends to narcotics -
all this does not really affect me and I have been continuing the reading of
books as my main drug (as well as Internet usage). People seem very relaxed
here - but am not sure how much is due to the lower stress "out-of-town"
environment; and how much to Cannibis.

[ Lachlan's bottomless web pages are at Click here - Ed]


           And finally, it's one more from Maria the Harding ...

                            USE THE WORD 'FASCINATE'

A primary school teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate"
in a sentence.

Molly said "My family went to granpa's farm and we saw all his pet sheep. It
was fascinating".

The teacher said "That was good but I wanted you to use the word fascinate".

Sally raised her hand and said "My family went to the Penguin parade and I
was fascinated".

The teacher said "That was good also but I want the word fascinate used in
the sentence".

Little Johnny raised his hand and the teacher hesitated because Johnny was
noted for his bad language. The teacher finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word fascinate, so she called on him for his sentence.

Johnny said " My elder sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits
are so big she can only fasten eight".

   And a thought for the week from Michael Moore.  In discussing the
   last US Presidential Election, Iraq, Sept 11, and many of the other
   underlying problems in the USA today:

        "The American Press are asleep at the wheel."
               'Stupid White Men'
[ End Friday humour ]

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