Friday humour - July 25, 2003
From Tony at Bluehaze:
Gidday,
Bit of a rush this week (didn't get near the damn computer till 1AM),
so the textual stuff will be quite a random selection. First up, it's
a quickie from Maria the Harding:
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A BLONDE WAS SPEEDING
A police cruiser pulled over a blonde. The police officer also happened
to be a blonde. She asked for the blonde's driver's license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse. "What does a driver's license
look like?"
Irritated, the blonde cop said "It's got your picture on it!"
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again. She found a small
rectangular mirror down in the bottom. She held it up to her face and said,
"Ah-Ha! This is my driver's license."
The blonde cop looked in the mirror. She handed it back to the driver.
"Okay, you're free to go. If I'd known you were a police officer too, we could
have avoided all this hassle."
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Trevor (still struggling with the agonies of his Computer Science
course over at RAU, South Africa) also posts the occasional comment
or a few pics - so just before we check out Wayne's book list ...
-----------------------
Struggling through a bit of assembler programming. At the moment I put
garbage into my prog & get garbage out.
Let me see, who can I offend today?
'A man is as young as the woman he feels.'
- Unknown
Did You Know...
Women fake orgasms because they think us men are bothered.
India doesn't have a World Cup football team. When they get a corner they
build a shop on it.
Mexico doesn't have an Olympic team. Everybody who can run, jump and swim
are already in America.
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Nextly, from Wayne down the hall in Finance ...
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A LIST OF BOOK TITLES THAT HAVE NOT YET BEEN WRITTEN
The Yellow River by I.P. Daily
The Numbers Game by Cal Q. Later
Under the Bleachers by Seymour Butts
Rusty Bed Springs by I.P. Freeley
Twenty yards to the Out House by Willie Makit and illustrated by Betty Wont
Spots on the Wall by Hugh Flung Poo
Falling Off a Cliff by Eileen Dover
The Complete Proctologist's Handbook by Ben Dover
The Joys of Drinking by Al Coholic
My Life with Igor by Frank N. Stein
Supporting Athletes by Jacques Strappe
Things That Itch by Mike Rotch
I Was Prepared by Justin Case
Green Spots on the Wall by Picken and Flicken
What Makes a Good Thief by Ian Yerhous
Waiting in Line for the Bathroom by Ivana Tinkle
Practical proctology by Bea Hind
The future of robotics by Cy Borg and Anne Droid
What to do if you're in a car accident by Rhea Ender
How things work by Wyatt Dunne
Breathing lessons by Hal E. Tosis
Why Should I Walk? by Iona Carr
Deep in Debt by Owen A. Lott
The Most and the Least by Maxi & Minnie Mum
Taking a Test by B.A. Wiseman
The Sun by Sol Ar
Blazing!! by Lotta Heat
Computer Memory by Meg A. Byte
Gotta Go by C. U. Later
How to Serve Your Fellow Man by The Cannibals
Can't Go There by Hans Off
Card Suits by Di A. Mond
Checking Your Homework by R.U. Wright
The Membership List by Ross Terr
The Giant Clock Tower by "Big" Ben
All About Flowers by Chris Anthymum
Short Shorts by Daisy Duke
Boy Scouts by Pat Troll
The Lost Scout by Werram Eye
Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
The Amish Phone Book
The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
Things I Wouldn't Do for Money by Dennis Rodman
Human Rights Advances in China
The Differences Between Reality and Dilbert
The Book of Virtue by Bill Clinton
My Life's Memories by Ronald Reagan
Things I Can't Afford by Bill Gates
Things I Love About Bill by Hillary Clinton
All the Satisfied Windows Users
Usages for Plutonium in the kitchen
Three Hundred And Twelve Ways To Die By Household Appliance by Sue I. Cide
The Day I Took Mr. Winky and Threw Him In A Sewer by L. Bobbit
How to Project Your Voice by Milli Vanilli
How to Love Everyone by Adolf Hitler
How to be a Kamikaze Pilot by Osama Bin Laden
Kitty's Revenge by Claude Balls
Brown Streaks Across the Desert by Who Flung Dung
Ten Years in the Bathtub by Rink Lee Prune
Tiger in the Bathroom by Heidi Ingthe Tub
How to Eat Cereal by Poor A. Bowl
Technology in the 21st century by Rob Ott
Things Women Can't Do by B. A. Mann
Gotta Go To The Bathroom by Think L. Maket, Illustrated by Betty Went
The Art of Being of Discreet by Anonymous
What Happens When You Light A Fart by Hugh Gexplo Zhun
Bubbles in the Bath by Ivor Windybottom
Can't Sit Still by Ivan Auflitch
I Must Go Again by D. I. Aria
Interesting Places Around The World by Ben There & Don That
Pop Goes the Hamster and Other Great Microwave Games
The Importance of Telling the Truth by Bill Clinton
Paris Monuments by I. Phil Taurer
The Sheets Are Wet by I.P. Nightly
The Bearded Chinaman by Harry Chin
How to Exercise by Eileen and Ben Dover
100 ways to Diet by I. M. Hungry
One Wife is Best by Henry VIII
Getting Fired by Anita Job
Great Resturants by Bo Leamick
A Sailor's Adventure by Ron A. Ground
Green Vegetables by Brock Ali
Raise Your Arms by Harry Pitt
Long Walk Home by Miss. D. Bus
Sitting on the Beach by Sandy Cheeks
Window Coverings by Kurt and Rod
Wheels in China by Rick Shaw
How To Dance by Sheik Yerbouti
Something Smells by I. Ben Pharting
I.Q. Competitions by Samar T. Pants
The Secret of Touching Your Toes by Ben Dover
The View of the Skyline by Bill Ding
My Life as a Gas Station Attendant by Phil R. Awp
Embarassing Missing Items by Bikin E. Bottoms
How to Manage Your Company's Finances by AMP
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Onto a few pics now, and first up, one from Rob White:
Bushy Click here
-----------------------
Plus a couple from Maria H (this first one comes with a story):
STRESS TEST
Here's a simple test designed to indicate whether people have too much
stress in their life.
It's a picture of two dolphins. The two dolphins appear normal when viewed
by a stress-free individual. This test is not accurate enough to pick up
mild stress levels.
If there is anything that appears different about the dolphins, it is often
an indication of potential stress-related problems. Differences, if any,
may also indicate the source of your stress.
Sit upright and view the screen head-on, take a deep breath, breathe out and
then open the picture and look directly at it. If there is anything out of
the ordinary then you should consider taking things a little easier.
Ready?
Stress Test: Click here
... and also ...
Design: Click here
-----------------------
And from Steve the Harding:
Skippy: Click here
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These arrived from Mandie Matheson ...
More billboards Click here
Opinion? Click here
and this one was also sent over by Kero:
My other car ... Click here
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And these ones came from Kero:
Click here Click here
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Another Don Martin from Pierre in France ...
On the Bowery: Click here
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And finally, from Trevor over at RAU ...
Bay watch: Click here
Warning Click here
Warning Click here
Warning Click here
Warning Click here
and if you enjoyed those, go check out Something Awful at:
Click here
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Back to ASCII now and this little article via David Magnay:
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STARS IN THEIR EYES
Astronomers in Australia say there are 10 times more stars in the visible
universe than all the grains of sand on the world's beaches and deserts.
>From the darkest parts of Earth, the naked human eye can see about 5,000
stars. From a brightly-lit city street, only about 100.
The actual number of stars 'could be infinite'
But modern telescopes tell a different story.
The Australian astronomers used some of the world's most powerful instruments
to measure the brightness of all the galaxies in one sector of the universe -
and calculate how many stars they must contain.
>From that measurement they proceeded to work out a figure for the whole of
the visible universe, which they believe is much more accurate than previous
estimates.
That figure - presented to the International Astronomical Union conference in
Sydney - is the kind that really can be called astronomical: 70 sextillion,
or seven followed by 22 zeroes.
That is more than the total number of grains of sand in all the Earth's
beaches and deserts. But that is only the stars in the visible universe,
within range of our telescopes.
Dr Simon Driver of the Australian National University says the actual
total could be much, much bigger still - in fact, it could be infinite.
He believes that many of the stars out there have planets, and some of those
probably have life.
[ From Click here ]
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A few Billy Connolly throw-aways as passed on by Kero ...
-----------------------
THINGS I HATE ABOUT EVERYBODY
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where
my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I
ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room
for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the
channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why
the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who
and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser,
I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice
there, did you sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there
must have been something before it.
8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn
thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?
10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.
So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?
11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's
really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image
I really didn't need.
13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the
'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger,
just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it
in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.
14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?'
"Yes, fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off."
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Over to the UK now and a couple from Brian D. McNicol, Esq:
-----------------------
COINCIDENCE
A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."
"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. "I'm celebrating, too,"
she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?"
"I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today
they're finally fertile."
"What a coincidence," the woman said. "For my husband and I have been trying
to have a child. Today, my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your
chickens become fertile?" she asked.
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
----====#===#===#===#----
GOLF
A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies are
hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies are taking their time, and when finally the last one is ready
to hit the ball, she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it and hacks it
another 10 feet.
She looks up at the men, who are watching, and says apologetically: "I guess
all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies, "Well, you see, that's your problem.
You should have taken golfing lessons instead."
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The gypsy scientist (Lachlan ... also the other half of Bluehaze,
ex-Daresbury and ex-CSIRO) has finally tired of London and moved
countries once again - this time to Canada and Chalk River. They a
reactor there, so he'll be able to do lots of X-Ray experiments.
Anyway, this recent update on things in Canada (esp the drug scene)
may be of some interest ... :-)
-----------------------
LETTER FROM CANADA
Things seem to be getting better in BumCrack Nowhere - Spring is definitely
here - though some trees are still have not sprouted leaves.
Spent Sunday canoeing at a place call Barron Canyon in Algonquin Park (quite
near my rental house in Deep River) with friends (a quite spectacular gorge)
and lots of nice lakes and Rivers here for canoeing around. Buying my own
canoe definitely now a priority.
On the goss side:
They had a minor carnival here in Deep River last week - mainly rides for the
kids. Was browsing through with other people from work and was smelling a lot
of what I thought to be burning rubber. I was informed (with some raising of
eyebrows of my naivety) that it was Cannibis. As far as I have been informed,
this is quite a pot-head part of Ontario - with the police ignoring much of
the personal use - as if they didn't ignore this, a great percentage of the
populace would be up on criminal charges.
This revelation was quite a surprise to me given Deep River being publicised
as a "crime free" area. (?). This being tolerated, Deep River is still stated
as being a crime free zone - with still not much for the police to do but go
after people who don't stop at Stop/Arret signs. With the large lots of land
here - growing your own is supposedly common practise - as well as planting
plants in your neighbours lot in case the police ever do try and crack down.
At this canoe trip, I was given much advice on the horticulture of growing
Cannibis for home use. I learned quite a bit (heresay) - such as the male
plant supposedly not having the active ingredient(?) - and if you want the
female plants to have lots of active ingredient resin - make sure to remove any
growing male Cannibis plants in the vacinity - as once the female plants are
polinated, they cease making the Cannibis resin. Grafting of female plants,
to minimize/negate the negative influence of male plants, is practised by
the conneuseur. This apparent government tolerance of the populace taking
Cannibis seems quite a contrast to the US style of pursuing such "sinful"
behaviour and putting people in prison.
Anyway, as my Victorian style prudery on alcohol extends to narcotics -
all this does not really affect me and I have been continuing the reading of
books as my main drug (as well as Internet usage). People seem very relaxed
here - but am not sure how much is due to the lower stress "out-of-town"
environment; and how much to Cannibis.
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[ Lachlan's bottomless web pages are at Click here - Ed]
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And finally, it's one more from Maria the Harding ...
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USE THE WORD 'FASCINATE'
A primary school teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate"
in a sentence.
Molly said "My family went to granpa's farm and we saw all his pet sheep. It
was fascinating".
The teacher said "That was good but I wanted you to use the word fascinate".
Sally raised her hand and said "My family went to the Penguin parade and I
was fascinated".
The teacher said "That was good also but I want the word fascinate used in
the sentence".
Little Johnny raised his hand and the teacher hesitated because Johnny was
noted for his bad language. The teacher finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word fascinate, so she called on him for his sentence.
Johnny said " My elder sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits
are so big she can only fasten eight".
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And a thought for the week from Michael Moore. In discussing the
last US Presidential Election, Iraq, Sept 11, and many of the other
underlying problems in the USA today:
"The American Press are asleep at the wheel."
'Stupid White Men'
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[ End Friday humour ]
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