Friday humour - July 18, 2003

     From Davo at bluehaze:


   Yo and G'day

As we continue to freeze being in the middle of winter in the Antipodies, I
believe it got to 33 degrees Celsius in London on Tuesday.  Nice weather for
ducks.

The Great Man (Tony) has been a bit concerned with the "service" or lack
thereof that he's been receiving from Bluehaze's service provider.  Some
audio clips weren't playing correctly.  RealAudio is back now so there
shouldn't be any more problems with sound of the (un)real sort.

 [ Minor correction to that from the Bluehaze sysman: wasn't the ISP's fault -
  I just couldn't get the new RealServer program (Helix) to run until a cupla
  days ago.  All seems to be sorted out now.  Tony ]

Please send some more interesting webcams and websites.  Biggus has come up
with this one - which is pretty good ... Click here

Overseas readers may like to look at this one from atop Monash University
next door.  It's the view from Clayton towards Frankston.  Isn't it  ...
words fail me  ...  Click here ... interesting



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   So onto the humour.  We've had some variations on this first one, and
   here's one more - as sent in by British McKnickers ...

                            REVISED CHICKEN

                   Why did the chicken cross the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We
just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The
chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground
here.

JACQUES CHIRAC The chicken has rights, mais oui? We care not whether the
chicken crosses the road since we will claim her eggs regardless of on which
side of the road she lays them, n'est pas? Should les Americains succeed in
seizing them, we shall insist on coq au vin!

TONY BLAIR It is clear to Her Majesty's government that the chicken has
disguised and hidden her eggs, which, under extraordinary circumstances,
particularly on All Hallow's E'en, can certainly be used as weapons of mass
destruction

COLIN POWELL Now at the left of the screen, you clearly see the satellite
image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANZ BLIX We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet
been allowed access to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq ambassador) The chicken did not cross the road. This
is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

SADDAM HUSSEIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RALPH NADER The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been
polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the
unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by
the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it
was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out
there is already forming a support group to help chickens with
crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can
real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax
dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money

the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I
had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you
people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to
the "other side." That's what they call it --the other side. Yes, my
friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become
gay too. I

say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other
side."

DR. SEUSS

Did the chicken cross the road?  Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The
chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone
told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening
to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of moulting and went on to accomplish its life-long
dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX It was an historical inevitability.

VOLTAIRE I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the
death its right to do it.

SIGMUND FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook.  And Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

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   And something from Steve Kerosene:

                  IN THE BEGINNING GOD CREATED EVE ...

In the beginning God created Eve. And she had 3 breasts. After three
weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. "How're things, Eve?" He
asked.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets
are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful but I
just have this one problem. It's these three breasts you've given me.

The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking
them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes,
they're a real pain," reported Eve.

"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at that,
you know. I gave the animals, what, six? So I just figured you'd need
half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!"

So God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the
bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden.

"Well, Eve, how's my favourite creation?" he asked.

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. You
see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her
bull, all the animals have a mate, except me.  I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have
overlooked this! You do need a mate - and I will immediately create Man
from a part of you!"

"Now, let's see ....... where DID I put that useless tit?"

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  From the Reverent Sister Carol

                              THE DOCTOR'S

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached
the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor
for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with
your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor
in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The
receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded
approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

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   A couple from Little Di

                               NUDIST COLONY

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he takes
off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks
by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call
for me?"

The man replies "No; what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let
me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called
for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel,
eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and
as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of
the steam Room toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.

You must be new," says the hairy man.  "It's a rule that if you fart, it
implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around,
bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the
smiling, naked receptionist.  "May I help you?" she says.

The man yells "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and
you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't
had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection once
a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"

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                   SENIOR CITIZENS - GOTTA LOVE 'EM??

At the Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since
both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his
fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the
river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
"Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad
passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When he finished, the
man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came
upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Up or Down?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate
love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked
her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes.

There they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the
fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or Down?" The woman
replied, "Down." A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the
river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up
or Down?" She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday,
every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made passionate
love to me. Now, today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought
the choices were 'FUCK or DROWN!

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   And one from Sir Douglas Knight

                                BASEBALL

An Irishman moves to the USA and finally attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approached the batters box, took a few swings and then hits
a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run". The next batter
hits a single and the Irishman listened as the crowd again cheered "RUN,
RUN".

The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans. The fifth
batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called a walk and the
batter started his slow trot to first base.

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye bastard, run". The people
around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down. A
friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained, "He
can't run -- he's got four balls."

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad."

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    From Minnesota Scott

                                 HEADS

It's the final days on Earth, and everyone is taken to Heaven for the final
judgment. God enters the great waiting room and says, "I want the men to
make two lines. One line for the men who were the head of the household, and
the other line for the men who wives were head of the household. Also. I
want all the women to go with Saint Peter."

With that said and done, the women were gone and there were two lines, just
as God had commanded. The line of the men who's wives ruled the home was 160
miles long, and in the line of the men who were their own heads of the
household, there was only one man.

God became angry and said to the 160-mile-long line, "You men should be
ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, I gave you the
responsibility of being leaders of your homes, and your wives had to take
care of everything because you failed! Look at the only one of my children
who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him. Tell them, my child, how did
you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know. My wife told me to stay here."


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This weeks pics come from Sir Doug, Colin of Nexhip, Highett Dave, Little
Di, Blond Bombsell Brett, Rowan Davo, Lisa with an M, and you know who ...

Video Camera Click here Click here Click here

Funny food #1  Click here
Funny food #2  Click here
Funny food #3  Click here
Funny food #4  Click here
Funny food #5  Click here
Funny food #6  Click here
Funny food #7  Click here
Funny food #8  Click here
Funny food #9  Click here
Funny food #10 Click here

Class reunion Click here
Well trained Click here
Bachelor's fridge Click here
Drinking top Click here
Redneck windchimes Click here
Three Wise Women Click here
A load of bull  Click here
Every point counts Click here

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   This may be recycled but is back courtesy of Marysville Beryl ...

            EXTRACT FROM THE AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE HANDBOOK

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the
   trailer to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as
   not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
   taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private,
   using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as it detracts from a
   woman's jewellery and alters the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go
   out with you since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say
   10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the
   man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theatre ETIQUETTE:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie
   ends.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
   can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A track suit with a cummerbund and a
   clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded
   and the roo's in sight.
2. When approaching a round-about, the vehicle with the largest tyres
   doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to
   ask her to bring back beer, too.

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    Quote of the Week:

        "No, I do not accept that people were misled at all."

                                       Tony Blair - UK Prime Minister

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[ End Fri humour ]


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