Friday humour - June 13, 2003

     From Davo at bluehaze:


Yo and G'day

Winter has arrived in Melbourne with a vengeance.

Some interesting mail arrived during the week from a happy FH reader who'd
rather remain nameless but lives in France after studying at London's
Imperial College.  Let's call him "Piere".  CSIRO seems to have had many
happy connections with Imperial College over the years.

Anyway Piere reminisces:  "Imperial College Rag is the charity club of
Imperial College. Once a year at college, there is an event called Rag Week,
during which the craziest of antics occur, simply to raise money for
charity. For example, I myself raised almost 200 pounds on one occasion, by
running round the Albert Hall. Backwards. Naked. With shaving cream all over
me."

Let's just thank God for the shaving cream!

Piere also mentions two funny place names - Nobber in Donegal, Ireland and
Pussy in France (imagine getting a French letter from Pussy!)

These two alleged interesting web sites were sent in by Wellington Ben and
Highett Dave.  I'm sure some of you can do better ...

 Click here Click here

I was talking to Tony at smoko this arvo and he said The Age has an article
saying that the FBI has finally caught an outfit that promulgates so much of
the spam we receive multi-daily.  You know the ones - "Do you want a bigger
dick and nuts?" (I wonder how many females reply) and "Cheap viagra!" (it
turns out they were supplying sugar tablets).  Apparently this outfit has
already made US$75 million.  It is truly a sad sign in what has turned out to
be a very material world.  Hopefully we won't be blasted with this pathetic
spam so often in future - but I'm not holding my breath.

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   First up this week a quickie from Melb UniLee (possibly Ron!)

                             SECURITY THREAT

At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public
school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of
a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

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   This one from Delish Lish

                                BULLTISH

This story is that of a man and his wife viewing breeding bulls. They come
up to the first pen and there is a sign that says, "This Bull mated 50 times
last year." The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says, "He mated 50
times last year."

They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign that says,
"This Bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hits her husband and says
"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign saying "This Bull
mated 365 times last year." The wife gets really excited and says "That's
once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looks at her and says ... "Go up and ask him if it was with the
same cow."

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   This from Ian Stewart in Bonnie Scotland

                                 THE OLD BOY

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner,
Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his
accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat,
and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in
their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I
miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?" and he replies "SEX!!"

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun
to your head".

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it
for a while"

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterwards, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they
would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK.

She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the
pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I
don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's".

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   This weeks graphic files are from Gary B, Paul F, KeroSteve, Rowan,
   Allnutts, and you know who you are ...

Too much snow!  Click here

Thankful Click here

Airbags Click here

DJs Click here

The bum test Click here

Men's swimwear Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Worst willie Click here

Worst bum Click here

Worst jugs Click here

Worst belly Click here

Keepin' their hats on Click here

Sea voices Click here

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   Back to the ol' ASCII now and one more from Rosalie ...

                             SCHOOL COUNSELLOR

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counsellor and she was eager to
help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one
side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer
at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot,
still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing
here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

   --o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o---o--

      From Minnesota Scott

                              PAINFUL PUNS!

Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

Income Tax: Capital punishment.

A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.

A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and
the police didn't have anything to go on.

Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.

Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.

Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard
tines?

Why won't melons elope to Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.

Archaeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.

Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.

Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?

Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza
my mind.

California smog test: Can UCLA?

The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff"

Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel? A: Dis-gruntled.

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    From Allnutts

                            KILLER BISCUITS

     KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual headline)

Lisa Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and
while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several
people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with
her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and
walked over to the car. He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and she
looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay and Lisa replied that
she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in
for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were
locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally
got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her
head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise
that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her
head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and
thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered
and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and
came to her aid.

Lisa is blonde.

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        QUOTE OF THE WEEK

 "How Australia deals with those who seek asylum here has become a
  difficult and divisive issue. Forcing the return of asylum seekers,
  perhaps to face persecution, without a full review of their cases
  is unconscionable."

                                              - The Age, 9 June 2003


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[ End Fri humour ]


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