Friday humour - June 06, 2003

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

          And gidday,
     A minor bit of house-keeping this week before we start.  Bluehaze (the
     repository of the FH pics and the archived Friday Humour postings)
     will be changing network providers in a couple of weeks, and due to the
     way Telstra handle their part of the broadband (ADSL) network, the best
     that any network provider can offer is that such a change-over will take
     "between 5 and 20 days".  In other words, Bluehaze will vanish for that
     indeterminate period once it disconnects from Pacific Internet and waits
     to be connected to Internode.  (Apparently it takes Telstra from "5 to
     20 days" to alter something called the "speed codes" in their system?)

     To the real humour - and first, it's over to the UK and Brian D. McNicol
     (ex-Shell) with this contribution:
                         ----------------------------

                             THE 'PHONE CALL

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.  A bat-phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me.  Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.  It's only
$1,000.  Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003
models.  I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great!  Oh, and one more thing ... the house we wanted last year is
back on the market.  They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK.  I'll see you later!  I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up.  The other men in the locker room are looking at him in
astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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         Now over to CUB and this little story from John ...
                         ----------------------------

                                   SPOOKY TALE

This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Mexico, and even when
it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale it's real.  This guy was on the side of
the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm.

The night was rolling and no car went by, the storm was so strong he could
hardly see a few feet ahead of him.  Suddenly he saw a car coming towards
him and stop.

The guy without thinking about it got in the car closes the door just to
realise there's nobody behind the wheel.  The car starts slowly, the guy
looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way, scared he starts to pray
begging for his life.  He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits
the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the steering wheel.

The guy, paralysed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they
are before a curve.  Gathering strength, he struggles out of the car and
runs to the nearest town.  Wet and in shock goes to a cantina and asks
for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible
experience he went thru.  A silence enveloped everybody when they realise
the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina and one said
to the other. "Look Pepe, there's that arsehole that got in our car when we
were pushing it."
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   This one was forwarded on by our good ol' reliable QCAT correspondent ...
                         ----------------------------

                               BARBIE RETURNS

   Finally a Barbie I can relate to.  At long last, here are some NEW
   Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully.  These are a
   bit more realistic ...

1. Bifocals Barbie - Comes with her own set of blended lens fashion frames
in six wild colours (half-frames too), neck chain, and large-print editions
of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie - Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn
beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.  Comes with
handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie - As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers
grow.  Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie - Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier
sleeved gowns.  Good news on the tummy front, two MuMus with tummy support
panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie - Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely
taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet.  Soothe her sore feet with
the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie - Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines
with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age
blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mum Barbie - All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying
off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and
Ken, Jr..  Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and cooler filled
with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie - It's time to ditch Ken.  Barbie needs a change,
and Alonzo (her personal trainer), is just what the doctor ordered, along with
Prozac.  They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the NapaValley
to open a B&B.  Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie - Sells for $199.99.  Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car
and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie - Too many parties have finally caught up with the
ultimate party girl.  Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps.
Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously.  Comes with a little
copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie - This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes,
forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot.  She is sick and tired of Ken
sitting on the couch watching the tube while clicking through the channels.
Comes with Depends and Kleenex.  As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In
Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       And another reader over in the UK, Jon Rumbelow, passed this on ...
                         ----------------------------

                              THE WRONG MONTH

As some of you might have noticed, Ancient Roman diplomacy has resulted
in centuries of totally unnecessary confusion.  The addition of "July" and
"August" to the calendar has resulted in "October" (from the Latin meaning
"8") being the 10th month, "November" ("9") being the 11th, "September"
being the 9th, etc.

This has gone on quite long enough.  Generations of the precious children
of Albion have grown up unable to grasp Latin numbers.  When was the last
time you saw a three year-old draw an octopus with the correct number of
tentacles?  Could you say with any certainty what the proper word for a
seven-sided polygon is?  This is all part of a pan-European plot to leave
our fair isle rotting in an economic morass caused by ill-educated workers
lacking in confidence and entrepeneurial spirit.

Now is the time to act.  To act rationally, decisively and - above all,
patriotically.  So in future: The calendar year will start in March.
This will realign the four months affected.  January and February will be
added to the calendar after December.

Every February will have 28 days - "Leap years" will henceforth have a
31-day April.  April Fools Day will move to June, and be renamed Loon Day.
Financial Years will run 1st June to 31st May.  May Bank Holiday will be in
July, and all August Bank Holidays in October.

This may initially cause some confusion, but please consider the major
side-benefit: Christmas and the New Year will now be two months apart.
Which is actually quite democratic: Many solid citizens have been protesting
about how the country grinds to a halt for two weeks every year.  Now they
can have a quiet glass of sherry in late December to celebrate the birth of
Jesus Christ.  Now they can stay up till midnight watching shrilly squawking
Scottish idiots a full two months later.  Now they can stay clear of the
pubs while those of a different kidney try for a nine-week party season.
At last, a political initiative to benefit everybody ...

   Rambling Sid Rumbers (aka Jon Rumbelow)
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    And just before we hit the pics for this week, here's one from Kero:
                         ----------------------------

                                LIFE AFTER DEATH

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you
left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to
see you."

                                DOCTORS

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men.  In fact, she
sleeps with anybody who asks her!  I'm going crazy.  What do you think I
should do?"

Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down?  Now, tell me,
exactly where is Larry's bar?"

                                WIZARD

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "curse" he has
been living with for the last 40 years.  The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you
will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on
you."

The old replies, "It was 'I now pronounce you man and wife'."

                                REQUEST

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request,
dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he whispered, "I want you to marry Joe."

"But I thought you hated Joe," she said.

"I do."

                                FAMILIARITY

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and persuades her to come back to his
hotel.  When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you
ever made love to?"

She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be,"
she says. "Your face looks familiar."

                                   ADVICE

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I
have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me.
What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what.  Let me talk to her, I'll see what I
can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife.
I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.  You want my advice?"

"Oh, yes", said the man.

The Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"


----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    To the pics now, and first up it's a movie from Olivine Mads (Mandie
    also circulated it around the Minerals Go-carters after being nearly
    killed by Brett ... I must film next years event for FH :-)

Neat parking (M$ proprietary WMV movie clip) Click here
                         ----------------------------

    This one came over from one of our computer guys at North Ryde, Yanai ...

A dumpty Click here
                         ----------------------------

    And another movie (hilarious - esp for cat lovers) from Garry Jensen
    and Wayne Deane ...

Cat antics: Click here
                         ----------------------------

           Kero sent these across ...

Discrimination: Click here

           And this collection too - which comes with a story ...

                  TOYOTA HILUX - NO LONGER UNBREAKABLE

  For Sale 2002 4WD Hilux No Rust, Low KMs. $50

On Thursday 24th April 2003 a GPA dozer driver working at Barney Point Coal
Facility accidentally ran over a Toyota Hilux dual cab 4wd with a Caterpillar
D10 dozer.  As the dozer driver was working alone, he had driven the ute
to the stockpile area where he was to be working and parked it there just
off the road.  He then walked approximately 400m back to the dozer shed to
pick up the dozer and drive it back to the same stockpile area.  He did this
so he would have a vehicle to use to return to the lunch room for smoko's,
lunch, etc.

While driving the dozer to the stockpile area a combination of coal dust
stirred up by the dozer tracks, having the dozer blade high off the ground
and a bit of memory lapse caused him to hit the ute with the dozer blade.

The ute was overturned, squashed to a level where it fitted under the blade,
then went underneath the dozer.  It wasn't until the dozer driver saw shrapnel
flying out from beneath the dozer that he stopped, reversed back and found
the ute as it is in these pictures ...

Hilux pic 1: Click here
Hilux pic 2: Click here
Hilux pic 3: Click here
Hilux pic 4: Click here
Hilux pic 5: Click here
                         ----------------------------


    These two collections from our Brett also have lead-in stories ...

                                  WHOOPS

This was a brand new unregistered Monaro (*) stolen by a 16 old kid.
He failed to pay for petrol, was then pursued by Police and hit big tree in
Appin Road, Campbelltown.  Works every time - he won't steal any more cars.

Supposed to have been doing about 200 km/h when he lost it.  Photos taken at
local Panel Shop ...

Monaro pic 1: Click here
Monaro pic 2: Click here
Monaro pic 3: Click here
Monaro pic 4: Click here
Monaro pic 5: Click here

 (*) For our OS readers - a medium-sized V8 sports sedan built in Oz by GMH.
  Should always be driven with panavision shades and slicked-back hair ;-)

                                 OH DEARY ME

  Funny how we seem to gain satisfaction from seeing much more exotic and
  expensive machinery trashed in embarrassing circumstances.  A story from
  (of all places) South Australia, from an RX7 club member ...

Sunday we planned an RX7 Cruise for a wicked run down to Victor Harbor (SA)
through the hills.  Went for a counter meal at one of the pubs.  Saw a new
360 Ferrari driving along and filmed it.  After that had some more photo's
and watched a couple of people smoke it up.

Started to head home.  Coming down Willunga hill (Victor Harbor Rd) onto a
long straight, people were flashing us.  We had our CB radios and were saying
"Radar, RBT, defect station?".  Then started slowing down ... "Accident RBT?"

Next thing we come to this slight turn under a bridge and on either side
of the road are 40ft embankments ... we slowed down and see skid marks going
from the road up the embankment!

There were people stand on top of the embankment.  All of us were curious and
pulled over.  Jaws hanging on the ground looking at the skid marks ... then
some guy goes "There's the remains of a red Ferrari up there, the drivers
okay tho."

We legged it up the hill ... never seen us move sooo fast!!!  There at the
top of the hill was this red ferrari upside down, and only then did I realise
it was that same red one we had seen 2 hours before!!!!

What happened was: The driver of the Ferrari was doing 250 clicks, overtaking
on the other side of the road, saw oncoming traffic, somehow lost control,
and headed straight for the embankment.  Went up the 40ft embankment, got
air and barrel rolled twice coming to a stop upside down.  The 50 year old
driver was just standing near his car ... lighting up a smoke.  Not shaking,
crying, yelling ... nothing.

The ambos then came and I over heard the ambo saying he was best going to the
hospital a bit later on, but he was refusing.  The ambo guy said that due to
him having alcohol in his blood system, that it may be blurring his decision.
He didn't seem drunk ... he wasn't swaying or nothing.

I think he was in shock.

He'd picked up the car 3 days ago.

$400,000.

Ferrari pic 1 Click here
Ferrari pic 2 Click here
Ferrari pic 3 Click here
Ferrari pic 4 Click here
Ferrari pic 5 Click here
Ferrari pic 6 Click here
Ferrari pic 7 Click here
Ferrari pic 8 Click here
                         ----------------------------


         And from Digitronics Steve, this is the sort of person we really
         need to fix up those terrorist nests ...

Black Jack Pershing: Click here
                         ----------------------------

           And from David Brodrick:

Levels of learning: Click here
                         ----------------------------

           Maria the other Harding sent these across recently ...

Surreal 1: Click here
Surreal 2: Click here
Surreal 3: Click here

Fancy dress ball: Click here

Trecking ... Click here
Beginnings of acupuncture: Click here
Beware of Dog: Click here
Don't feed the bears: Click here
Snagged again: Click here
Sprung: Click here
Stay optimistic:  Click here
How to prepare a Kiwi: Click here
Early Walkman: Click here
Alley-oop: Click here
Decisions, decisions ...  Click here
SalaryReview: Click here
                         ----------------------------

       And our long haired Apple girl Lee (Melb Uni) forwarded these on.
       The first one reminds me of those hilarious American Pete Smith Shows
       we used to watch in our hourly Newsreels in the City (before TV arrived
       here in Oz):

Mouse stuck: Click here
Latest mini-style: Click here
                         ----------------------------

         From Chris Butterfield, a new Oz airline is proposed to compete
         with Virgin ...

New airline: Click here
                         ----------------------------

         And lastly for pics, Rowan Davidson thought you might like ...

Costello and Howard making up: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Now to finish off with a bit more type-written (ASCII) material,
        and this one from Rosalie the Louey ...
                         ----------------------------

            HOW PROFESSORS IN VARIOUS FACULTIES GRADE THEIR EXAMS

   Dept Of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

   Dept Of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them
in.  The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes
to mind.

   Dept Of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.

   Dept Of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.

   Dept Of Philosophy:
What is a grade?

   English Dept.:
Your final exam will be scored by totalling the weight of all the books you
read this semester:

 40+ pounds -  A
 30  pounds -  B
 20  pounds -  C
 10  pounds -  D
<10  pounds -  F

  Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

   Dept Of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.

   Dept. Of Physics:
Grades are relative.  But ...
All theoretical physics is really mathematics.  See Above.

   Dept. Of Chemistry:
All theoretical chemistry is really physics.  See Above.

   Dept. Of Biology:
All theoretical biology is really chemistry.  See Above.

   Dept. Of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has
accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the
student will not receive an A.

   Dept. Of Marxist Studies:
The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles.
Therefore, everyone will now get the same grade!

   Dept. Of Economics:
All of your grades, as a collection, will reach the level where your marginal
product (MP) of labour for each individual grade is equal.

   Dept. Of Operations & Logistics Management:
Grades will be posted *at* 12:00 Noon.  NOT 11:59 -- NOT 12:01

   Dept. Of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade, but ... YOUR grade is an object in
a class of its own.

   Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play
the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         David Magnay recently emailed me this comment on the Iraq situation.
         I know it's political, but some of you will possibly empathise ...
                         ----------------------------

                          THOSE SNEAKY ARAB BARSTARDS

                       Saddam 'may have destroyed weapons'

US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has said Iraq may have destroyed its
weapons of mass destruction before the US went to war against Saddam Hussein
in March.

Let me get this straight.  We (a very royal we) wanted Iraq to disarm and
get rid of their WOMD.  Iraq insisted that they didn't have them any longer,
but we can't trust these people, of course - they're liars.  And John W Howard
and his American cohorts said he/they must have them - because they keep
on saying they don't.

The UN inspectors couldn't find any either (but we can't trust the UN
either, right?).  The UN asked the US and UK for the secret locations where
they knew they were hidden.  However, they couldn't be told due to security
restrictions (and because we don't trust the UN).

So we invade the suckers, blowing them to hell with more bombs than the
Taliban and more depleted uranium than the previous Gulf War.  And now we
can't find the things.  The Iraqis have hidden them really well.  But we'll
find them - you can't trust these sneaky suckers.

Now we presume that the Iraqis probably destroyed them before the war, and
even told us they had destroyed them, convinced the UN (and the French) that
they had destroyed them, but of course, because we know they lie, they must
really have them.  The Iraqi's knew that we would think that, so they would
destroy them to outsmart us and make us look silly.

Mongrels.  Why didn't they just tell us that they had destroyed them and save
us all the trouble.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Well, I've included way too much stuff again this week, but what
         the heck - let's have one more.   Again, it's from sunny QCAT:
                         ----------------------------

                                 BEWARE OF SLOPS

                         New travel restrictions - SLOPS

The World Health Organisation today issued a new warning against non-essential
travel to the entire Western hemisphere following renewed concerns about the
spread of Severe Loss of Perspective Syndrome (SLOPS).

Officials are warning travellers not to visit the UK, the US, almost all
of Western Europe, and Canada, following further outbreaks of the disease,
which has led to mass panic among the media, thousands of ecstatic children
being kept out of school by their credulous and moronic parents, and increased
profits for DIY stores as the idiot public rush to bulk-buy face masks and
boiler suits.

A WHO spokesman said, "You'd be much better off going to somewhere Like
Thailand or China, because all you've got to worry about there is SARS,
and let's face it, you're about as likely to die from that as you are to get
kicked to death by a gang of zombie nuns."

The SARS virus has now claimed a staggering 500 lives in only six months,
which makes it considerably more deadly than, say, malaria, which only kills
around 3000 people every single day.  Malaria, however, mainly effects only
'darkies' that speak foreign, whereas SARS has made at least one English
speaking person feel a bit iffy for a couple of days, and is therefore
considered much more serious.

The spread of SLOPS has now reached pandemic proportions, with many high-level
politicians seemingly affected by the disease.  The rapid spread of SLOPS has
been linked to the end of the war in Iraq and the need for Western leaders to
give the public something to worry about.  Otherwise, they might start asking
uncomfortable questions about domestic issues, and that simply would not do.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]



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