Friday humour - May 29, 2003

     From Davo at bluehaze:


   G'day

  Well, God has saved the Queen ... but nothing saved the Governor-General.
  Certainly not the person who appointed him.  George Junior's "man of
  steel" must be wondering what else he can do to maintain his popularity.
  Another war to stop weapons of mass destruction perhaps ... or maybe
  torturing more asylum seekers for daring to seek asylum here.

  The truly sad thing is that though the majority of Aussies didn't support
  Howard's convenient war (where is Maggie Thatcher?) they *did* support
  his treatment on asylum seekers.  80% of those poor people locked behind
  bars at Woomera for up to three years have now been accepted as refugees.
  It does make me seriously question why I am proud to call myself Australian.

  Still - the Governor-General has gone - and after 20 months of "service"
  can now scrape through on his super pension of $185,000 per year.
  Something many of us would like to fantisize about as a lump sum.

  Hopefully the beneficiaries will be kids who are less likely to be sexually
  abused in the future!


  Keep sending in those interesting web sites.  These are from Rowan Davo,
  Florida Donn, and Maverick Brett from the Store.

                      MYSTERY LINKS ...

     Click here
     Click here
     Click here

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First this week some quotes from the BBC's "The Office" sent in by Rowan

                             THE OFFICE

There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.

Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility
tomorrow.

Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!

Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of
mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in
the average office.

What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in
winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts
in the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a
squirrel do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the
statue.

If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will
never guess that you're trying to get them sacked.

If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

You have to be 100% behind someone before you can stab them in the back.

If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us
who do.

Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition
results in promotion to a job you can't do.

Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and
never quit are idiots.

If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it
an hour and enjoy your breakfast.

Remember the 3 golden rules:
  1. It was like that when I got here.
  2. I didn't do it.
  3. (To your Boss) I like your style.

The office is like an army, and I'm the field general. You're my foot
soldiers and customer quality is the WAR!!!

Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on
than illumination.

A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or
just half of someone else's?

Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?....

I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was
just some bastard with a torch bringing me more work.

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   From DigiSteve

                                UM ...

FLUSHED WITH PRIDE: Microsoft has unveiled its newest innovation: the iLoo.

The self-contained port-a-potty includes a waterproof keyboard and screen so
that a seated ... um... user can get on the Internet. Possible add-ons
include a keyboard and screen outside the door, so the first person in the
queue will have something to do while waiting.

The company also says it is also in talks with toilet-paper manufacturers to
get special rolls printed with addresses of interesting web sites. "The
Internet's so much a part of everyday life now that surfing on the loo was
the next natural step," said marketing manager Tracy Blacher. "It's exciting
to think that the smallest room can now be the gateway to the massive
virtual world." (Seattle Post-Intelligencer) ...

Suggested slogan: "When you think of crap, think Microsoft."

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   A couple of "golfies" from Minnesota Scott

                         GOLF - DEFINED

GOLF, n.

[1] a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment
and bad arithmetic.

[2] a game of opposites - the world's slowest people are ahead of you and
the fastest are behind.

[3] a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink and
financially in the red.

[4] a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because
it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort.

[5] a game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to the green and then
you find yourself in a hole.

GOLF CART, n.

[1] A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can
neither count, criticize, nor snicker.

GOLFER, n.

[1] a person who yells "fore," takes six and puts down five;

[2] a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't have to bring
home anything when he brags he had a great day.


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                        GOLF - DEFINED AGAIN

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and
yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called
golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front
of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf, a five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There's no game like golf you go out with three friends, play eighteen
holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice once before swinging,
and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count,
criticize or laugh.

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   This weeks pics are from Brett, Mad Mick, Allnutts, KeroSteve, Stevo,
   somebody from Castle Hill Books (possibly the tea lady), Rowan D and you
   know who you are.


Proof Click here
Managers office Click here
The language of love Click here
         Click here
         Click here
         Click here
Skippy - last episode Click here
Communication Click here
Friends Click here
First Kisses Click here
Candy bar Click here

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   Back to ASCII with KeroSteve

                             ARTHRITIS

An old geezer in the old folks home took a fancy to an old lady who is also
staying at the home. One day he gets enough courage to tell her he wants to
make love to her. She agrees that when everyone else is gone on a day trip,
they will stay behind and get to it.

He goes to her room on the day and asks her how she likes it.

She says "I used to like it when a man went down on me".

He says he would love to and goes for it.

After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says, "I'm sorry. I can't go on.
It just smells rotten down there".

She says "It must be my arthritis".

He looks at her and says, "Surely you can't get arthritis down there. And
even if you could it wouldn't cause that horrible smell".

She says, "No, my arthritis is in my shoulder. I can't wipe my arse"


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   This collection sent in by Melbourne University Building Supervisor
   Extraordinaire (and mad Collingwood supporter!) Ron ...

[Though this is second hand I guess he must be OK.]

Hello Ron!

(He want's some publicity so maybe this will assist him in his dream of
becomming Victoria's next Surveyer-General.)


                                MATHS

The owner of a golf course in Oklahoma was confused about paying an invoice,
so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said "You graduated from the University of
Oklahoma. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take
off?"

The secretary thought a moment then replied, "Everything except my ear-rings."

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                              DEAD CAR

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


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Thought for the Week:

  Why is it you can sue McDonalds if you get fat, sue Marlboro if
  you get cancer but you can't sue Carlton and United Breweries
  for all the ugly people you shag?

                                     - our very own Steve Kerosene


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[acting deputy 2IC FH editor's note]

Hey ... Melbourne UniRon - come out of your closet!  Post in your own
name.  Our Melbourne UniLee is sick and tired of holding your doorknob.

- Davo     :)


[ End Fri humour ]


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