Friday humour - May 23, 2003

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

          And gidday,
     First up this week, it's over to Rosalie Louey for this rather ...
     interesting interpretation of the saga of Lord Of The Rings from
     five quite distinctive viewpoints:
                           ------------------------


                  THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN

Day One:
Ringwraiths killed: Four.  V good.  Met up with Hobbits.  Walked forty miles.
Skinned a squirrel and ate it.  Still not King.

Day Four:
Stuck on mountain with Hobbits.  Boromir really annoying.  Not King yet.

Day Six:
Orcs killed: none.  Disappointing.  Stubble update: I look rugged and manly.
Yes!  Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli.  Holding myself back.  Still not King.

Day Ten:
Sorry no entries lately.  V. dark in Mines of Moria.  Big Baelrog.  Not King
today either.

Day Eleven:
Orcs killed: Seven.  V. good.  Stubble update: Looking mangy.  Legolas may be
hotter than me.  I wonder if he would like me if I was King?

Day 28:
Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive.  Have a feeling if I make a
move, Sam would kill me.  Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.  Still not King.

Day 30:
In Lothlorien.  Think Galadriel was hitting on me.  Saucy wench.  Nice chat
with Boromir.  He's not so bad.  Took a shower.  Yay!  But still not King.

Day 32:
Orcs killed: none.  Stubble update: subtly hairy.  Legolas told me that a shadow
and a threat had been growing in his mind.  I think Legolas might be kinda gay.

Nope, not King.

Day 33:
Orcs killed: Countless thousands.  V. good.  Boromir killed by Orcs.  Bummer.
Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was definitely
gay.  Not so sure about Gimli either.  RIP Boromir.

Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was.  Might however
have been blood loss.

Day 34:
Frodo went to Mordor.  Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him.  Why?
My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me? (Not so sure about me either.)

Still not King, goddammit.

                       ================================


                  THE SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS, SON OF WEENUS

Day One:
Went to Council of Elrond.  Was prettiest person there.  Agreed to follow some
tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano.  Very important mission -
gold ring so tacky.

Day Four:
Boromir so irritating.  Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the
time?  Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow insisted
we climb back down.

Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship.  Go me!

Day Six:
Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly.  Am very afraid I am
developing a tangle.

Orcs so silly.

Still the prettiest.

Day Ten:
Gandalf fell into shadow.  In other news, I think I am developing a spot on
my nose.  V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years
or more.

Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.

Day Eleven:
In Lothlorien.  Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me.  Also, am quite sure
she copied my hairstyle.  I was wearing that same look at least 1,000 years ago.
Silly bint.  She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored fountain to take a
nice bubble bath.  I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain.
Not one strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now?

Still prettiest by far.

Day 30:
All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion.  Aragorn obviously
starting to find Frodo strangely attractive.  Sam will kill him if he tries
anything.

Still the prettiest.

Day 33 :
Boromir tempted by Ring.  So tedious.  Cannot be tempted myself, as already
have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite.

Have been getting very strange letters from someone calling herself "Stacey"
who wants to do obscene things to my elfhood.  Fortunately have super-duper
elf vision so can run away if I see her coming.

Day 35:
Boromir dead.  Very messy death, most unnecessary.  Did get kissed by Aragorn
as he expired.  Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get
any action?  Boromir definitely not prettier than me.  Cannot understand it.
Am feeling a pout coming on.

Frodo off to Mordor with Sam.  Tiny little men caring about each other, rather
cute really.

Am quite sure Gimli fancies me.  So unfair.  He is waist height, so can see
advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most off putting.


Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times.

                         ================================


                    THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF BOROMIR OF GONDOR

Day One:
Went to Council of Elrond.  Aragorn acting all superior as usual.  He thinks
he's so great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the side.
I mean, just because someone has a broad chest, firm defined muscles, an
outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that ... what?
Okay, got distracted there for a bit ...

Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by Aragorn's
enormous ... rudeness.

Ooops.

Day Three
Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.

Day Four
Frodo dropped Ring today.  Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back.
Arrogant bastard.  Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right
up his ...

Stupid Ring.

Day Five:
Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo.

Ha Ha! Ha!  Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Six:
Aragorn still into Frodo:
"Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo."
"Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras."
"Boromir, quit trying to cut off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can
get at the Ring."

Blatant favoritism most annoying.

Day Ten:
Why isn't Aragorn into me ?

Day Eleven:
Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria.  Kind of liked it, actually.  Hope am
not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir.  Not after what
happened to *him.*   Merry and Pippin are cute little things, too...

In other news, Gandalf died.

Day 30:
In Lothlorien.  Galadriel quite a babe.  Feel sure she was attracted to my
rugged yet unwashed manliness.  Legolas took a bath in her fountain.  Got in
trouble.  Ha Ha.  Big elfy git.  Am quite sure he dyes his hair.  Also, he has
spot on his nose.  Aragorn suggested we take baths as well.  Only realized in
nick of time he did not mean with each other.

Stupid Aragorn.

Day 33 :
Frodo being all weird about the Ring.  Won't even let me look at it.
Must admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it.
Rolled around on him till he went invisible.  Resisted urge to have a little
cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face.)

Aragorn would be jealous.  Ha!

Day 35:
Killed by orcs.

Stupid orcs.

                           ================================


                        THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS

Day One:
Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap.  Also, Sam gave
me fabulous backrub and bubble bath.  Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful.
Wasn't quite entirely sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but am assured
it has something to do with Elf medicine.

Day Three
Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor.  In hindsight, probably a bad move.

Day Four
Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount
Caradhras.  Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank.  Boromir bit Aragorn on the
ear.  Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought.

Day Six:
Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt.  He must be after the
Ring.  Damn its siren call.  Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Ten:
Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow.  Was stunned.  Had no
idea Legolas wanted the Ring too.  It must truly be an object of awesome power.

Day Eleven:
Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do.  Apparently pointy wizard hat
not just for show.  Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just
v. peculiar.

Day 24 :
Finally feel rested.  Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find me and
pinch me as he has been doing lately.

Gandalf fell into shadow.  Was sad to see pointy hat go.

Day 27 :
Lothlorien so pretty.  Galadriel pretty too.  Offered her One Ring, but she
kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you, Frodo
Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my breeches.  So, gave her my
extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of them.  Maybe some kind of
breeches shortage in Lothlorien.

Day 30 :
Rowed all day in boats.  V. tired.  Merry and Pippin offered to give me a group
massage.  Nice to have such v. concerned friends.  Glad Ring is not affecting
them.  Although did not need back rubbed quite so much (nor other parts).

Pippin does remember we're cousins, right?

Right ... ?

Day 33 :
Boromir tried to take the Ring.  Not entirely certain, but fairly sure he also
tried to have a little cuddle.  Most unnerving, as Boromir quite huge.

Day 36 :
Everyone keeps hitting on me.  Cannot cope.  Off to Mordor.

Sam coming too.  Good thing, as will enable me to have more of those platonic,
brotherly foot massages he's so good at.

Sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite fancying the idea of
shagging Gimli.  Chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on.

Ah, well, he never would have liked me anyway ...

                       ================================


                    THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAMWISE GAMGEE

Day One:
Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade.  Oh no!  Pippin cried.  Told Pippin it would be
all right as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die.

Did I say that out loud?

Day Three:
Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him.  Gandalf
told me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty clothes.  So took
clothes off him and gave him a bath.  And another one.  Then gave him another
bath.  Gandalf came and told me "six baths is quite enough, Samwise Gamgee".

Poncy old git probably hasn't taken a bath since the Second Age.

Day Four:
Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.

Day Five:
Elf bubble bath v. colorful and pretty.  Gandalf no fun at all.

*sulk*

Day Six:
Mr. Frodo awake!  Is doing well although also seems concerned as to why his
fingers are all wrinkled.  Decided not to tell him about all the baths.

Day Seven:
Snuck into Council of Elrond.  Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor.  Mr.
Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and wonderful!

Okay, so possibly isn't all that tall.

Day Eight:
Off to Mordor.  Other members of Fellowship v. dodgy if you ask me.
Especially Boromir.  "Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight", my Aunt
Lobelia.  Obviously pervy hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around with small
men in shorts.

Day Nine:
Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir.  Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo.  Will kill him
if he tries anything.

Day Ten:
V. dark in Mines of Moria.  Used flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn every
time he tried to pinch Mr Frodo in the ... dark.  Gandalf fell into bottomless
pit.  Mr. Frodo said something later about pointy wizard hat, but I did not
understand it as I am an innocent young hobbit from Shire not versed in worldly
ways.  Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli.

Ick.

Day Fifteen:
Lothlorien v. pretty.  Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr Frodo
left right and centre.  Pippin agrees.  Told Pippin height difference would
make relationship impossible.  Pippin said Mr Frodo could stand on stilts.
Hmmmm ...

Hate Pippin.

Day Twenty-Two:
Leaving Lothlorien.  Bye-bye grabby elf lady.  Not sure where going exactly,
but is obviously somewhere water-related, as have been given boats.  Do not
care really as long as get to share boat with Mr. Frodo.

Day Twenty-Three:
Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr Frodo.  Got shot down of course
(hurrah!), but not before made spectacle of him self.  Claims was trying to
take Ring so as to rule world and bring down evil, but we all know that's a
big fib, don't we?

Day Twenty-Four:
Boromir killed by orcs.  Knew orcs good for something.  Frodo off to Mordor.
Taking me along, hurrah!  Mr Frodo needs cheering up as seems inexplicably
sorry to say goodbye to Gimli, as well as is depressed and claims is now sure
he will die a virgin in the barren wastelands of the Dark Lord's realm.

We will see about that ...
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Okay - lots of pics this week.  No movies, but one slightly racist
      song by a certain Mr Wilson.  You may need headphones for it (or
      at least play it very quietly when no-one else is around, Brett V
      suggests :-)  Apparently it's from Kevin's new CD - you can see it
      at his web site - Click here

      Anyway, as passed on by Brett (who apparently lost his wooden trolley
      when the battery group auctioned it behind his back yesterday ...)

Nigel (as a low-quality RealVirus version): Click here
  - or -
Nigel (as a high-quality MP3 version): Nigel: Click here
                           ------------------------


      Steve Kero wins the award for outright quantity this week, with:

Hmmm ... Click here
Well, we'll communicate anwyay ... Click here
Surprise!  Click here
Risque ... Click here
Les avantages ... Click here
Aim well: Click here
An awesome pic taken during the recent summer fires in the USA: Click here
Beach game: Click here
Colas: Click here
She loves me ... Click here
Zebra crossing: Click here
Money needed for research: Click here
They don't call me Dick for nothin' ... Click here
Drive carefully ... Click here
We take a lot of shit ... Click here
Books for sale: Click here
Records: Click here
Cake: Click here
T-shirt: Click here
Scooter: Click here
So you think you're having a bad day ... Click here

     And another collection of sign-humour ...

Sign 1: Click here
Sign 2: Click here
Sign 3: Click here
Sign 4: Click here
Sign 5: Click here
Sign 6: Click here
Sign 7: Click here
Sign 8: Click here
Sign 9: Click here
Sign A: Click here
   (yes - I count in hex)
                           ------------------------

        Maria the Harding came in a close 2nd with this collection ...

Ahhhh #1: Click here
Ahhhh #2: Click here
Ahhhh #3: Click here
Ahhhh #4: Click here
This way to ... Click here
Dead - as in ... Click here
Red Rooster: Click here
Best baiter: Click here
Too much whining: Click here
Just go in, boys: Click here
Take me now: Click here
Kinky: Click here
Harvey Norman: Click here
Compared: Click here
Viagra: Click here
Dating card: Click here
                           ------------------------

       And the other Harding (Steve, Esq), and Brett V both forwarded this:

Forklift extensions: Click here
                           ------------------------

       Last but certainly never least ... from that warm place of advanced
       technological endeavour somewhere up North of here, QCAT:

The final outcome of SARS ... Click here
How to tell the gender of a fly: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Well, we're way over in the line-count again this week, but what
        the heck - over to CUB and John K for this one - a oldie with a
        local twist ...
                           ------------------------

It was the first day of school and a new student named Huong, the son of a
Vietnamese businessman, entered year four in Australia.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some Australian history.  Who said
"Vinegar Hill!"?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Huong, "Captain Henry Ross, Eureka
Stockade, Ballarat, 1854."

"Very good!  Who said 'We shall form a Commonwealth and govern from Canberra'?"

Again, no response except from Huong:

"General Sir John Monash, 1915.", said Huong.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.  Huong, who
is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Vietnamese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Huong put his hand up. "Bruce Ruxton, 1975."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right!  Now, who said that?"

Again, Huong says, "Paul Keating meeting Malaysian Prime Minister Dr Mahathir,
1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah?  Suck this!"

Huong jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
"Gareth Evans, to Cheryl Kernot, 1999!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit.  If you say
anything else, I'll kill you."

Huong frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Peter Reith to Rear Admiral
Chris Ritchie at the "children overboard" enquiry, 2001."

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh
shit, we're in BIG trouble!"

Huong: "Ansett Australia, 2002"
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[ End Friday humour ]



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