Friday humour - May 16, 2003

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         Yo,
     And once more we're digging down into the in-tray just a titch, and we've
     come up with (said he dropping several on the floor) a few contributions
     from around July/August 2002.  All great stuff - it just got buried
     under the mess.  Most of this week's lot were forwarded on by John Klimek
     over at CUB, but we've also got contributions from Mike Horne, Maria H,
     and Brian D (UK).  And some good pics further down, too.

     But first up, it's over to the B1 Bottling Line at CUB in Abbotsford and
     this collection from John K (who looks after their computer stuff over
     there, including their PLC process controllers as far as I remember ...)
                            ----------------------------

                                   BAD SYNTAX

     (Thanks to Jenny from Bigswamp)

  Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who
  happens to be a software engineer:

Husband : (returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."

Wife :    Have you brought the groceries?

Husband : Bad command or filename.

Wife :    But I told you this morning!

Husband : Bad syntax.  Abort?

Wife :    What about my new TV?

Husband : Unknown variable ...

Wife :    At least give me your credit card - I need to do some shopping.

Husband : Sharing Violation.  Access denied ...

Wife :    Do you love me, or do you only love computers, or are you just being
          funny?

Husband : Multiple boolean expressions require parenthesis.

Wife :    It was a mistake that I married an idiot like you.

Husband : Type mismatch.

Wife :    You really are bloody useless.

Husband : Too many errors - core dump

Wife :    What about your salary?

Husband : File in use ... try again later

Wife :    Okay, just what is *my* value in this family?

Husband : Unknown virus - update your definitions

                            ----====####====----

A person visited the government matchmaker for marriage (SDU) and requested,
"I am looking for a spouse.  Please help me to find a suitable one."

The SDU officer asked, "Your requirements, please?".

"Oh, good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good in singing
and dancing.  Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure
hour, if I don't go out.  Telling me interesting stories when I need companion
for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."

The officer listened carefully and replied, "I see.  You need a television."

                            ----====####====----

A man asked his father-in-law, "Many people praised you for a successful
marriage.  Could you please share with me your secret?"

The father-in-law answered in a smile, "Never criticise your wife for her short
comings or when she does something wrong.  Always bear in mind that because of
her shortcomings and weaknesses, she could not find a better husband than you."

                            ----====####====----

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to
report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


            Next, it's a couple from Maria the Harding ...
                          ---------------------------

                              WHOSE IS IT?

A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce.  The problem was who should
get custody of the child.

The wife jumped up and said, "Your Honour.  I brought the child into this
world with pain and labour.  She should be in my custody."

The judge turns to the husband and says, "What do you have to say in
your defence?"

The man sat for a while contemplating, then slowly rose.

"Your Honour, if I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out,
whose Pepsi is it?  The machine's ... or mine?"

                            ----====####====----

                                 MARKETING

You see a gorgeous woman at a party.  You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic
in bed".

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous woman.  One of
your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed".

That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous woman at a party.  You go up to her and get her telephone
number.  The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed".

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous woman.  You get up and straighten your
tie; you walk up to her and hand her a drink.  You offer her a lift, remind
her of your name when she forgets it, tell her she's gorgeous and then say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed".

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous woman.  She walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed".

That's Brand Recognition.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Now to something from Mike Horne - passed on from brother Steve
        (who's still working over in Silicon Valley):
                          ---------------------------

                                GEORGE DUBLYA

   This poem is composed entirely of quotes from George W. Bush.  The quotes
   have been arranged for aesthetic presentation by Washington Post writer
   Richard Thompson.  Too good not to share, especially during National Poetry
   Month...

            MAKE THE PIE HIGHER
               by George W. Bush

      I think we all agree, the past is over.
      This is still a dangerous world.
      It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
      and potential mental losses.

      Rarely is the question asked
      Is our children learning?
      Will the highways of the Internet become more few?
      How many hands have I shaked?

      They misunderestimate me.
      I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
      I know that the human being and the fish can coexist.
      Families is where our nation finds hope, where
      our wings take dream.

      Put food on your family!
      Knock down the tollbooth!
      Vulcanize society!
      Make the pie higher!  Make the pie higher!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Okay, one more collection from John at CUB just B4 we go to the pics ...
                          ---------------------------

                                    NZ KNOCKS

Did you hear about the New Zealand redneck who passed away and left his entire
estate in trust for his beloved widow?

The only catch is that she can't touch it till she's 14.

                                   #  #  #

How do you know when you're staying in an Auckland hotel?

When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the
person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."

                                   #  #  #

A NZ policeman pulls over a pickup truck and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"

The driver says, "Bout what?"

                                   #  #  #

Two Kiwis are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack.
When they meet, one says, "Hey Marvin, whatacha got in th' bag?"

"Jes' some lambs."

"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"

"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em."

"OK.  Ummmmmmmm .... five?"

                                   #  #  #

A New Zealander came home and found his house on fire.  He rushed next door,
telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here - muh house is
on fahr."

"OK" replied the fireman, "How do we get there?"

"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"

                                   #  #  #

Why do folks in Wellington go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more?

Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.

                                   #  #  #

Billy and Lester, two Kiwis, were talking one afternoon when Billy tells Lester
"Ha know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation.

Only this year, I'm gonna do it a little different.  The last few years,
I took your suggestions as to where to go.  Three years ago you said to go
to Hawaii.  I went to Hawaii and Sue got pregnant.  Two years ago you said
go to the Bahamas and Sue got pregnant again.  Last year you suggested Tahiti
and darned if Sue didn't get pregnant again."

So Lester asks Billy, "So what you gonna do different?"

Billy says, "This year I'm taking Sue with me."

                                   #  #  #

Mae passed away in Auckland and Leonard called 000.  The 000 operator told
Leonard that she would send someone right away and asked where he lived.

Leonard replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

After a long pause, Leonard said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street
and you pick her up there?"

                                   #  #  #

Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in NZ to 32?

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

                                   #  #  #

Where was the toothbrush invented?

New Zealand.  If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called
a teethbrush.

                                   #  #  #

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 NZ National Lottery?

The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

                                   #  #  #

Why did O.J. Simpson want to move to New Zealand?

Because everyone has the same DNA.

                                   #  #  #

A new law was recently passed in NZ so that, when a couple gets divorced,
they're still brother and sister.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                             PICS AND FLICKS

           Raaaaaaaaaaghto, over to the flicks and pics now.  First up,
           from QCAT, we received ...

Hard choice: Click here
Pony club #1: Click here
Pony club #2: Click here
Macho: Click here
                          ---------------------------

           And Steve Kero-tin sent these across for your amusement ...

Splinter: Click here
Home surgery 101: Click here
Home surgery 102: Click here
Home surgery 103: Click here
Words of wisdom: Click here
Be your own boss: Click here
Hallmark wannabe #1: Click here
Hallmark wannabe #2: Click here
Hallmark wannabe #3: Click here
Hallmark wannabe #4: Click here
Hallmark wannabe #5: Click here
                          ---------------------------

           Steve Harding and Brett both found this one - but be warned, it's
           fairly grizzly:

Grizzly catch #1: Click here
Grizzly catch #2: Click here
Grizzly catch #3: Click here
                          ---------------------------

           Bob Flann passed on a few interesting USAF shots ...

Frozen: Click here
Cover your ears ... Click here
Errr ... whoops ... Click here
Look out Click here
Friendly fire 1 Click here
Friendly fire 2 Click here
All around full: Click here
Whoops: Click here
Nice pic ... Click here
                          ---------------------------

           And from Brett the Valentine, we have ...

Rubber ... Click here
                          ---------------------------

           Steve Harding reckoned you might just find this amusing ...

Big Brother ... Click here
                          ---------------------------

           And Andrew Smith dug these little movies up during the week:

The ABC of Boobs: : Click here
Baggins: Click here
                          ---------------------------

           And lastly of all, Maria the Harding has a ...

Hardcore pussy Click here
Oh, and ... Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Well, now back to ASCII, although this one also has a pic at the
         end.  From Steve Kero ...
                          ---------------------------

A picture began circulating in November.  It should be "The Picture of the
Year," or perhaps, "Picture of the Decade."  It won't be.  In fact, unless
you obtained a copy of the US paper which published it, you probably will
never see it.  The picture is that of a 21-week-old unborn baby named Samuel
Alexander Armas, who is being operated on by a surgeon named Joseph Bruner.
The baby was diagnosed with spina bifida and would not survive if removed
from his mother's womb.

Little Samuel's mother, Julie Armas, is an obstetrics nurse in Atlanta.  She
knew of Dr.Bruner's remarkable surgical procedure.  Practicing at Vanderbilt
University Medical Center in Nashville, he performs these special operations
while the baby is still in the womb.

During the procedure, the doctor removes the uterus via C-section and makes
a small incision to operate on the baby.  As Dr. Bruner completed the surgery
on little Samuel, the little guy reached his tiny but fully developed hand
through the incision and firmly grasped the surgeon's finger!

In a Time Europe article highlighting new pregnancy-imagery that shows the
formation of major organs and other significant evidence of the formation
of human life a few days after conception, Dr. Bruner was reported as saying
that when his finger was grasped, it was the most emotional moment of his
life - and that for an instant during the procedure, he was just frozen -
totally immobile.

The photograph captures this amazing event with perfect clarity.  The editors
titled the picture, "Hand of Hope."  The text explaining the picture begins,
"The tiny hand of 21-week-old fetus Samuel Alexander Armas emerges from the
mother's uterus to grasp the finger of Dr. Joseph Bruner as if thanking the
doctor for the gift of life."

Little Samuel's mother said they "wept for days" when they saw the picture.
She said, "The photo reminds us my pregnancy isn't about disability or an
illness, it's about a little person."

Samuel was born in perfect health, the operation 100 per cent successful.
See the actual picture ... Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


           And a few more from John over at CUB now ...
                          ---------------------------

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.  As the motorcycle officer walked
to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are
going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."

He replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realised what he'd
just said.

He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.  She was laughing
too hard to start her car for several minutes.

                            ----====####====----

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when
his wife gets home.

He calls her on the phone first, saying, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra
an hour before.  He takes the Viagra and waits.  Well, and hour goes by, the
man is ready to go, but no wife.

Then she calls him on the phone and she says: "Traffic is terrible.  I won't
be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?"
he asks.

The Doctor replied: "It would be a shame to waste it.  Do you have a housekeeper
around?"

Yes," the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man replied with dismay: "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper"

                            ----====####====----

During Army training, one young recruit was being hassled by his drill
instructor.

"I suppose after you get discharged you'll be waiting for me to die so you
can spit on my grave," the Sgt snarled.

"Not me, Sarge," replied the recruit. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never
standing in line again."

                            ----====####====----

A young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm
based in Dublin.  An American applied for the same job and both applicants,
having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department
manager.

Upon completion of the test both men had only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've
decided to give the American the job."

"And why would you be doing that? asked Murphy. "We both got 9 questions
correct.  This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job."

"We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you
missed."

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

"Simple," replied the manager. "On question 5, the American put down 'I don't
know.'  You put down 'Neither do I.'"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Over to the UK now and this one from Brian D. McNicol:
                          ---------------------------

There was a middle aged guy who bought a Mercedes Convertible.  He took off
down the road, at 125 kmph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little
hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought and floored it some more.  He looked in his
rearview mirror and there was an RCMP behind him, lights flashing and siren
blasting. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he
floored it some more and flew down the road at over 150 kmph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing?  I'm too old for this kind of thing," and
pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Mountie to catch up
with him.

The RCMP pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.  "Sir," he
said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday
the 13th."  If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never
heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Mountie and said, "Last week my wife ran off with
a Mountie, and I thought you were bringing her back!!

The Mountie said, "Have a nice day."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

        Arrr, what the heck - one last one from the brewery ...
                          ---------------------------

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet.

He found the problem was hair in its ears, so he cleaned both ears and the dog
could hear fine.  The vet told the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from
recurring, she should just go to the chemist and get some NAIR hair remover
and rub in its ears once a month.

So the lady went to the chemist to buy the NAIR hair remover.  At the register
the chemist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't
use deodorant for a few days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The chemist said "Well, if you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a
couple of days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it on my legs either ... and if you must know,
I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The chemist said, "Then stay off your bicycle for a week."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]



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