Friday humour - May 09, 2003

     From Davo at bluehaze:

G'day and Yo!

As Mr Lerner said to Mr Lowe ...

  It's May, it's May, the lusty month of May
  That darling month when everyone throws self-control away
  It's time to do a wretched thing or two
  And try to make each precious day one you'll always rue

  It's May, it's May, the month of "Yes, you may"
  The time for every frivolous whim, proper or im-
  It's wild, it's gay, depraved in every way
  The birds and bees with all of their vast amorous past
  Gaze at the human race aghast
  The Lusty Month of May

And checkout this webcam of Niagara Falls (North American daytime preferred)

  Click here

btw - Good old Gough Whitlam once said "May God save the Queen because
nothing will save the Govenor-General".  Well it seems he may actually
have been a prophet.

What a tragedy that little Johnny Non-Core is ripping our universal health
insurance scheme to bits.  Gough had a vision.  Howard had a Texas


First this week from Snowfields Beryl

                        Flight Attendant speak

All too rarely, Australian airline attendants make an effort to make the
in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On an Air NZ Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If
you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to
leave the aircraft."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone voice came
over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a
flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as f*** everything has shifted."

>From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY. To operate
your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate
one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If
you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child,
pick your favourite.

"Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children... or other adults acting like children."

Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart: The
flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and
I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile,
and give them a "Thanks for flying United. "He said that, in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except
for an old lady walking with a cane. She said,"Sonny, mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady
said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge
to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll
think of Qantas."

A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and,
therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and
relax - SHIT! ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes,
the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight
attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Economy said, "That's
nothing. He should see the back of mine!"


   This weeks pics from Rosalie, KeroSteve, Allnutts, Lee, German George,
   amongst you know who ...

Shit happens Click here

Oooppps Click here

Was it Zig or Zag? Click here

Blown away Click here

Friends Click here

Glasshouse Click here

The Treadmill Click here

The first time Click here

Gimme! Click here

Jilted (M$ proprietary WMV movie clip) Click here


   Back to some textual ones from Minnesota Scott

      Ten Ways You Know Your Internet Connection Is A Little Slow

1.  Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code

2.  Graphics arrive via FedEx

3.  You believe a heavier string might improve your connection

4.  You post a message to your favourite newsgroup and it displays a week later

5.  Your credit card expires while ordering online

6.  ESPN Web site exhibits "Headsman Trophy Winner"... for 1989

7.  You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "Paceman"

8.  Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gimp

9.  You receive e-mails with stamps on them

10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your
    monitor and a pigeon flies out.


                         (from Cosmopolitan)

We'll never understand... why she thinks it's fair that he sleeps on the
couch because he didn't notice she'd gotten a haircut.

We'll never understand... why she orders a huge salad with low-fat dressing,
then eats steak and French fries from his plate.

We'll never understand... her going from crazy-screaming mad to weepy to icy
calm in the space of 60 seconds.

We'll never understand... how she can watch one channel and just stay there,
even through the commercials.

We'll never understand... the concept of night-time outfits and daytime

We'll never understand... the fact that she can't wash her face and body
with the same kind of soap.

We'll never understand... why she feels fat when she's gained 2 pounds.

We'll never understand... the idea of buying a raincoat that shouldn't get
wet, a winter coat that isn't all that warm, and shoes that aren't very

We'll never understand... her doing a full makeup job when she's only going
out for a loaf of bread.

We'll never understand... why she can't wear the same dress to her office
Christmas party two years in a row.


    Soemthing from Trina

                                MOOD RING

My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other
day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

When I'm in a good mood it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*caking red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.


   Finally, another quickie from Dave Allnutt:

                             Not tonight dear

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his
wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis
with aspirin.

You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."


Quote of the Week

   Through this secret means I am talking to you from inside Great
   Iraq and I say to you, the main task for you, Arab and Kurd, Shia
   and Sunni, Muslim and Christian and the whole Iraqi people of all
   religions, your main task is to kick the enemy out from our country.

                                                     - Saddam Hussein

(Believe it or not ...
                 in an audio tape handed to Age reporters in Baghdad)


             m a y    g o d     b l e s s     f r a n c e

[ End Fri humour ]

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