Friday humour - April 25, 2003

     From Davo at bluehaze:


     G'day

     Most of FH readers will have today off for ANZAC Day.  In retrospect
     Australia probably didn't achieve anything in the Great War - even
     though it's said that Oz came of age - when young guys actually put up
     their age to "see the world" but instead were killed and maimed when
     used as cannon fodder by the imperial British at the time - who sat in
     their comfy vessels off Gallipoli sipping tea and glugging whisky while
     ordering Aussies and Kiwis to a certain death.

     Indeed ... the Mother country has alot to answer for in the way it
     created Iraq thereafter.

     At least our contribution wasn't then seen as an invader as has happened
     in Little Johnny's most recent gung-ho adventure.

     Nice to hear Kim Beazley pop up with the "R" word this week.  Oz could
     well do with earning some RESPECT at the mo.

     Mad Mick, Joe, McKnickers etc ... how do you think the average Brit feels
     about Tony Blair's adventure games?  Is it the Thatcher Falkland Islands
     war revisited?  Actually I've never understood the reasoning behind all
     that - but Maggie DID get re-elected.  Hey Little Johnny may get another
     two terms out of this one.

     Still it's gonna cost a fortune locking up more refugees on the various
     Pacific islands.  Why won't these ungratefuls accept our $2000 and
     go home!!!  ... wherever their homes are ...

     [Responsibility for all FH editorial content will be accepted by
     A. Sanderson or I. Davidson whoever doesn't step back the quickest ...]


     Before reading the funnies why not get those little grey cells moving
     with this quick quiz? - courtesy of The Bulletin.

       Click here


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   First this week from Ole and Lena - some Swedish/Norwegian jokes:

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support.
He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."

"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip
in a few bucks myself."
                                 -=-=-=-=-

Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely, he grumbled:"Vell,
dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance."
                                 -=-=-=-=-

Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are
working".

Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No...."
                                 -=-=-=-=-

LARS: Have you heard dat dey elected a Pole to be Pope?
SVEN: Ya, it's about time, dose Catlicks have had it long enough.
                                 -=-=-=-=-

When Ole went to play cards with da boys, his friend Lars asked him, "Why is
it when we play cards you bring your wife, when we go fishing you bring your
wife, and when we go bowling you bring your wife."

Ole replied, "Have you noticed that Lena is kind of ugly?  Dis way I don't
never have to kiss her goodbye."
                                 -=-=-=-=-

"Hey Sven, " said Ole, "how many Norskys does it take to grease a combine?"

After Sven replied, "I don't know."

Ole said, "Only two if you run them through real slow."
                                 -=-=-=-=-

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along
bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a
long, dark tunnel.

"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.

"No, " replied Lars.

"Vell don't touch it den, " Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent
blind!"
                                 -=-=-=-=-

Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to
Ole and said, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

Ole: "No, I'm Norvegian ... and my name isn't Valter."

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                                 CURED

The owner of a drug store walked in to find a guy leaning heavily against a
wall.

The owner asked the clerk, "What's wrong with that guy over there by the
wall?"

The clerk responded, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something
for his cough, and I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire
bottle of laxative."

The owner said, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of
laxatives."

The clerk replied, "Oh yes you can! Look at him - he's afraid to cough!"

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   From David Tiley ...

           OFFICE WORKERS GIVE AWAY PASSWORDS FOR A CHEAP PEN

Workers are prepared to give away their passwords for a cheap pen, according
to a somewhat unscientific - but still illuminating - survey published
today.

The second annual survey into office scruples, conducted by the people
organising this month's InfoSecurity Europe 2003 conference, found that
office workers have learnt very little about IT security in the past year.

If anything, people are even more lax about security than they were a year
ago, the survey found.

Nine in ten (90 per cent) of office workers at London's Waterloo Station
gave away their computer password for a cheap pen, compared with 65 per cent
last year.

Men were slightly more likely to reveal their password with 95 per cent of
blokes, compared to 85 per cent of women quizzed, prepared to hand over
their password on request.

The survey also found the majority of workers (80 per cent) would take
confidential information with them when they change jobs and would not keep
salary details confidential if they came across them.

If workers came across a file containing everyone's salary details, 75 per
cent of workers thought they would be unable to resist looking at it, again
up from 61 per cent in 2002. A further 38 per cent said they would also pass
the information around the office.

                                 NAUGHTY

The survey was undertaken by the organisers of Infosecurity Europe 2003 in a
quest to find out how security conscious workers are with company
information stored on computers.

Workers were asked a series of questions which included: What is your
password? Three in four (75 per cent) of people immediately gave their password.

If they initially refused they were asked which category their password fell
into and then asked a further question to find out the password.

A further 15 percent were then prepared to give over their passwords, after
the most rudimentary of social engineering tricks were applied.

One interviewee said, "I am the CEO, I will not give you my password it
could compromise my company's information".

A good start, but then the company boss blew it. He later said that his
password was his daughter's name.

What is your daughters name the interviewer cheekily asked.

He replied without thinking: "Tasmin".

                                     DUH

Of the 152 office workers surveyed many explained the origin of their
passwords.

The most common password was "password" (12 per cent) and the most popular
category was their own name (16 per cent) followed by their football team
(11 per cent) and date of birth (8 per cent).

Two thirds of workers have given their password to a colleague (the same as
last year) and three quarters knew their co-workers passwords.

In addition to using their password to gain access to their company
information, two thirds of workers use the same password for everything,
including their personal banking, Web site access, etc.

This makes them more vulnerable to financial fraud, personal data loss or
even identity theft, the InfoSecurity team point out.

Meanwhile two thirds of workers admitted they had emailed colleagues
illicit, unsavoury pictures or "dirty jokes" - up slightly from 62 per cent
in 2002. Men were twice as likely to indulge in this activity with 91 per
cent of men sending unsavoury emails compared to only 40 per cent of women.

InfoSecurity's organisers say this behaviour could expose their employer to
expensive litigation for sexual discrimination, low morale and even be
viewed as allowing bullying.

Tamar Beck, Director of InfoSecurity Europe 2003, said: "Employees are
sometimes just naive, poorly trained or are not made aware of the security
risk. Employers therefore need to create a culture of protecting their
information and reputation with policies on information security backed up
with training to support the security technology".

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                            Saddam's Message

Bush got a coded message from Saddam.

It read:   370HSSV-0773H

Bush was stumped and sent for the CIA.

The CIA was stumped too, so it went to the NSA.

The NSA couldn't solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton.

He suggested turning it upside down ...

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    This is a small hodgepodge of pic files from you know who you are.
    And more pics please ...
                     -------------------------


Don't work too hard Click here
Doggie Dude Click here
Good buddies Click here
New baby mix Click here
Nice ride Click here
French attack Click here
Convivial chess Click here
Geological models Click here
Pick the stars Click here
Wow! Click here

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            More ASCII now - firstly, from David T:

                             THE WORM JOKE

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.

Third worm in sperm - dead.

Fourth worm in soil - alive.

Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.

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             And lastly - this one from Sister Carol:

                         WOMAN'S WAR ON TERROR

   Dear President Bush:

Take all Australian women who are within five years of menopause - train us
for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks,
moisturiser with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate and canned tuna - drop
us (parachuted from first class preferably) across the landscape of Iraq &
let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff
like grocery shopping & paying bills, is formidable enough to make even
armed men in turbans tremble. We've had our children, we would gladly suffer
or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our
husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single,
the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as
likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet and
the grapefruit diet in gyms & saunas across Australia & never lost a pound.
We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Iraq with no food at
all! We've spent years tracking down our husbands in bars, hardware stores,
or sporting events... finding Saddam in some cave or bunker will be no
problem. Uniting all the warring tribes of Iraq in a new government? Oh,
please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended
families at Christmas dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for
how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know
how to find that money & we know how to seize it, with or without the
governments help! Let us go and fight. The Iraqis hate women. Imagine their
terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their god forsaken
terrain.

   Sincerely,

       The Mature Women of the Australia

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                          QUOTE OF THE WEEK

   "Make no mistake about it.  The United States and the coalition
    have taken on the responsibility for dismantling Iraq's weapons
    of mass destruction."
                              - Ari Fleischer, White House spokesman

   [ Let's hope they paint over any 'Made in the USA' labels.  Ed ]

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[ End Fri humour ]


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