Friday humour - April 18, 2003

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         Yo,
    And for Good Friday of 2003, the 1000+ corpses are hardly cold in Iraq
    and GWB is already lining up Syria (heavy sigh).  Anyone like to take
    a bet on the order of the next ... say, 3 countries?

    Believe it or not, although most of us are horrified by this Bush
    Republican Govt imperialism, we're *not* at all anti-US.  Most of us have
    a profound admiration and respect for America as a country.  And in any
    case, about half the people in the US are just as horrified by it all
    as we are.  Michael Moore is one shining light in this regard - Click here
    (BTW, you'll find his original classic letter to George Dubya about 75% of
     the way down in our FH of April 4, 2003 - Click here

    One recent article in our local Melbourne Age put it fairly succinctly for
    me Click here  This article's anonymous, which seems to suggest that it's

    by the editorial staff (although one can't be sure).

    Not that the war hasn't been without its humorous side, of course.  If you
    haven't yet checked out the site dedicated to the amazing Iraqi Information
    Minister, here's the link to it as passed on by Margot Clarke - Click here

    Okay, that's enough rave from me.  Onto the humour you guys have sent
    in, beginning with this collection of strange facts from Dave McCallum:
                          -------------------------


                              STRANGE BUT TRUE

Mosquito repellents don't repel.  They hide you.  The spray blocks the
mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from
a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's chewing gum.

The King of Hearts is the only King without a moustache.

A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each
salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike
factory workers in Malaysia combined.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls dissolve in vinegar.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already
married.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and
Budweiser, in that order.

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all
the letters from the word "criminal."  The second was William Jefferson Clinton.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's
nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than death.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because
when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all
the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never
stop growing.  SCARY!!!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left handed.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on
one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33.  She would stand
seven feet, two inches tall.  Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
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       Some more war humour now - firstly, from John over at the brewery:
                          -------------------------

            US CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE DISCOVERS NEW TOWNS IN IRAQ

1.   Wherz-Myroof
2.   Mykamel-Izded
3.   Oshit-Disisabad
4.   Waddi-El-Izgowinon
5.   Pleez-Ztopdishit
6.   Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi
7.   Ikantstan-Disnomore
8.   Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin
9.   Myturbin-Izburnin
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


               And more from MSS - as passed on by Kero Steve ...
                          -------------------------

       "CATS OFF TO A PERFECT START", SAYS THE IRAQI INFORMATION MINISTER

Iraqi information minister Mohammed Saeed al Sahaf says he is delighted with
Geelong's start to the 2003 season.

"Who could not be pleased?"  Al Sahaf told the Bladder. "Three glorious
victories against pig dog opposition!  The Bulldogs, Kangaroos and Magpies -
all of them have already been humbled like the infidel.  All of Australia is
quaking in terror at what the great and inconquerable Geelong Football Club
is achieving this season."

Al Sahaf said Cats fans should be further exhilarated by the news that many
of last year's top teams had begun 2003 so poorly.

"Collingwood has been slaughtered from pillar to post," he said.  "Every game,
from the opening bounce to the final siren, the Pies have been massacred on the
field.  Their total and final humiliation will be visited upon them within
days."

"The Brisbane Lions are finished," he added. "The last two years have been
disastrous for them and this year is obviously no exception.  They are wounded
insects before the might of Geelong, and also St Kilda and Freo.  The dogs
will lick their blood."

Al Sahaf added he was delighted with the progress of South Sydney this year,
Nicole Kidman remained no chance to win an Academy Award, and Leeds United
would certainly win the Champions League.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Our own Rosalie Louey writes: "Hi Ian and Tony, some stuff from the
    Joke of the Day email list.  And some interesting experiments from the
    HotAIR archives - Click here
    and finally, one that caught my interest was the effect of different
    foodstuffs on leeches, an experiment related to the effect of garlic on
    vampires - Click here "


    And a couple more from Rosalie's collection ...
                          -------------------------

                             MUSICALLY INCLINED

My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of
country-style musical instruments.  After looking over the flutes, dulcimers
and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a
mouth harp.  I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers,
twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear,
"I hate to tell you this, honey, but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."

                                  MORE MUSIC

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer.  He talked and
talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't
handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away
the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle
even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And just before our truckload of pics that so many of you have sent
        in, one more from Steve the Kero tin.  Those of you outside Oz may
        not get this - Collingwood is both a Melbourne (Oz) town and also
        fields a famous Aussie Rules footy team of the same name.  And much
        downtrodden of recent times ...
                          -------------------------

                          A GOOD COLLINGWOOD FAMILY

A Family of Collingwood supporters head out one Saturday morning to do their
Christmas shoplifting .

While in Rebel Sports the son picks up a Geelong footy jumper and says to his
10 year old sister, "I've decided to become a Geelong supporter and I would
like this for Christmas".

His sister, outraged by this, promptly whacks him round the head with her
carton of Winfields and says, "Go talk to Mum."

Off goes the little lad with the Geelong footy jumper in hand and finds
his mother.

"Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Geelong supporter and I
would like this jumper for Christmas".

The mother is outraged at this and throws her moccasins and a full stubbie
of VB at him, promptly whacks him around the head and says, "Lets go talk to
your father".

Off they go to Pentridge during visiting hours with footy jumper in hand and
find Dougey, his father.

"Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Geelong supporter and I
would like this jumper for Christmas".

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head with the
Herald Sun Turf Guide and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in
THAT", and then kicks him from one end of the reccy room to the other for
further good measure.

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home
(Reservoir).

The mother turns to her son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something
today?"

The son says, "Yes knackers I have."

"Good, son - what is it?"

The son replies, "I've only been a Geelong supporter for an hour and already
I hate you Collingwood pricks."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


      To the pics now - and again this week, we have stacks of 'em.  First
      up, this little classic that Lee McRae (Melbourne Uni) found:

Make a Honda: Click here
                          -------------------------

      And from Dave McCallum, a bit of nicely done Star Wars rap stuff:

Star Wars video clip: Click here
     ( This was from Atom Films, BTW - Click here )

                          -------------------------

      This next one from Kero comes with a bit of an intro:

War can be a brutal event.  We tend to sit back in our living rooms, overwhelmed
by the barrage of information that comes across our television.  We easily can
become de-sensitised and numb to the real gravity and danger of the
battle-front.  Lives may be ended or altered forever during the heat of battle.

When I first saw this photo, my heart was instantly brought face to face with
the cold reality of hand-to-hand combat in battle.  Yet, at the same time,
it made me proud of who I am.  This moment of conflict, on some distant shore,
truly captures the spirit and cause of fighting for what is right.

But a word of warning: You may not want to look - it's disturbing content.
But the more you look, the more you will likely be drawn to and inspired by
this moment.  It may even cause you to want to join the fight.  I hope it does.
Take a stand for what is right.

Please take a silent moment to view this tragedy.  Remember that all of us
can be proud, and be brave.

Hand-to-hand combat:  Click here
                          -------------------------

       Then, Steve Harding sent this lot in.  The first three document the
       result of damage to an F-18 that got shot up - and still managed
       (unbelievably) to limp home:

F18 #1: Click here
F18 #2: Click here
F18 #3: Click here

       And also these:

Duct tape? Click here
Nag nag: Click here
Truck jump: Click here
                          -------------------------

       David McCallum passed this collection on during the past few weeks:

Learning young: Click here
       And also - why men shouldn't baby-sit:
Baby #1: Click here
Baby #2: Click here
Baby #3: Click here
Baby #4: Click here
Baby #5: Click here
Baby #6: Click here
                          -------------------------

       Maria the Harding sent in this little lot:

Cute #1: Click here
Cute #2: Click here
Cute #3: Click here
Cute #4: Click here
In yet? Click here
What a root! Click here
Vasectomy: Click here
Sex positions: Click here
Save the whale: Click here
Here boy! Click here
The Egg: Click here
                          -------------------------

      Doug Knight came across this one - our managerial mob have the
      acronym of DMT, and getting this news report was illuminating:

The DMT: Click here
                          -------------------------

      And Trevor (doing Comp Sci at RAU in South Africa) passed these on:

Which do you want? Click here
We'll worry: Click here
Finding 'em: Click here
Vacancies: Click here
Hey, we found him! Click here
                          -------------------------

      Brett Valentine (our store) and Mad Mick (from the railway sidings at
      East Cheam in the UK) sent in this years Safety Award winner:

The winner! Click here

      Brett also came across these somewhat lewd pics ...

#1: Click here
#2: Click here
#3: Click here
#4: Click here
#5: Click here
#6: Click here
#7: Click here
#8: Click here

      And ...

Are you drunk? Click here

      And a cupla songs from the Scardies.  We won't bother you with their
      site (it flashes on and off - damned irritating), but here's a cupla
      songs (MP3 format):

Michael Jackson medley: Click here
Saddam: Click here

      The Scardies currently feature on 3MMM amongst others, BTW - archives
      near the bottom at: Click here
                          -------------------------

      From QCAT this week, we have:

Walking the dog: Click here
                          -------------------------

      And some more from Steve Kerassitis ...

Spot the wife: Click here
Hunk: Click here

      This one has an intro ...

The US Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist
after questioning him extensively for 27 days while he was held prisoner
aboard a US aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea.  In a humanitarian gesture
the terrorist was given $50 US and a white Ford Fairlane automobile upon
being released from custody.

The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home, just after being
released by the Navy ...

Go, man: Click here
                          -------------------------

     And finally - an even bigger intro for this (and not over lunch) ...

                         NOT FOR THE WEAK STOMACHED

This rather shocking photo was snapped in November 16th by a spectator at
the collegiate power lifting championships at Pennsylvania State.

The unfortunate competitor, who expressed a plea to remain anonymous, recalled
to surgeons that he was "stuck" at the bottom of a personal best attempt in
the squat lift when he "sort of pulled his stomach in and pushed extra hard,
at the same time as trying to complete the lift."  He remembers a loud popping,
splattering noise then a fierce stabbing pain and then not being able to move
from the squat position.  He remained in this position for about half an hour,
since trying to stand caused him overwhelming agonising pain.

Para-medics arrived and applied anesthesia on the spot and carried him to an
ambulance.  He was rushed to surgery, where surgeons described the trauma as an
"explosive and aggravated prolapse of the bowel".  Meanwhile it was revealed
that the weight was removed from his shoulders at the time of the incident
by two "spotters" on either side of the lifter.  The third spotter who was
standing behind the lifter was unfortunately sprayed with fecal matter at
the time of the incident.  This spotter promptly fainted when he realised the
extent of the injury to the lifter, who was a personal friend.

This compounded the task of first aid officers who were at a loss as to how
to treat the injury to the lifter in any case, who remained in the squatting
position moaning in pain much to the consternation of the helpless audience.
The hapless lifter had successful surgery to relieve the prolapse, but remained
immobilised with his feet elevated in stirrups for 2 weeks to ensure "internal
compliance with the surgery and that the organs retracted successfully".

To add insult to injury, the ex-lifter required rectal stitching to partially
occlude the anal orifice and stich the rectal passage (which had significantly
expanded and torn during the prolapse) and also was put on a low fibre low
residue diet to combat flatulence to avoid any possibility of a recurrence.

CBS news spoke to his wife and asked if she thought he would resume his power
lifting career.

"Not if I have anything to say about it.  Would you like to risk something
like that again?"

Ooops: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Okay, back to the written stuff now - and one from Steve Harding:
                          -------------------------

                                 WHY MEN LIE

(Ladies...please note)

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his axe fell into the river.  When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this
your axe?" the Lord asked.  The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?"
the Lord asked.  Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"
the Lord asked.  The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to
keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.

One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's
wife fell into the river.  When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and
asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this
your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You cheat!  That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.  It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine
Zeta-Jones.  Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will thirdly come up with my
wife, and I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me.  But
Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three
wives, so that's why I said yes this time."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS WHENEVER A MAN LIES, IT IS FOR AN HONORABLE AND
USEFUL REASON!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


               And yet a couple more from Kero Steve:
                          -------------------------

                              HUSSEIN CLAIMS

Reuters, April 5, 18:30

The Iraqi Information Ministry claim that Saddam Hussein is still alive and
well in Baghdad.  The Iraqi leader appeared on his country's television
network last Sunday after the latest Richmond match saying, "I saw the game
and the Tigers were absolutely crap."  However, American sources were quick
to counter these claims saying the tape could have been made any time in
the last 20 years.

                        ----====#===#===#====----


                         DON'T STEP ON THE DUCKS

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.  When they get
there, St. Peter tells them: "We only have one rule here in heaven - don't
step on a duck."

So they enter Heaven - and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place!
It's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.  Then along
comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.  St. Peter chains them
together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity
chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes
St. Peter (who doesn't miss a thing) and with him is another extremely ugly
man.  He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and (not wanting to be chained for all
eternity to an ugly man) is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go for several months without stepping on a duck, and then one
day, St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid
eyes on.  Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.  St. Peter chains
them together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for
all of eternity?"

The guy says, "Dunno about you, but I stepped on a duck ..."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         Now it's back to Fosters over in Carlton, and a cupla quickies
         from John:
                          -------------------------


Uday Hussein comes home from shopping with everything in a cardboard
box.

Saddam says, "Why have you brought the shopping home in a cardboard box, son?"

To which Uday replies, "Because there's no Baghdad!"

                        ----====#===#===#====----

There are 10 cows in a row, numbered 1 to 10.  Which one is closer to Iraq?

Coo 8.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Well, if you've read this far, one last one ... from Kero the Steve:
                          -------------------------

                                THE BALLERINA

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a bar.  She raised
her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people
sitting at the bar, and she asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.  But down at the end of
the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
"Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down.  She turned
to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same
hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,
"Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say old chap, it's
your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling
her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be
a ballerina."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]



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