Friday humour - April 11, 2003

     From Davo at bluehaze:


      G'day and Yo

   Well - the Iraq "conflict", as little Johnnie always likes to call it (don't
   mention the "w" word), seems to be drawing to a close.  Saddam has been
   killed (twice), there was no collateral damage, and no stuff ups from
   freedom fire.  The Western World is now free from terror.  And all Iraq's
   weapons of mass destruction have been located - in a tin shed at the bottom
   of the tooth fairy's garden.  All in all a major success!  Who's next?  Hell
   - we of the the coalition of the willing have god-damn billions more bucks
   to level the next lot.  Halleluiah brothers!  The oil companies are buzzing,
   the armarment companies are jumping, the stockmarkets are booming!  Hey!
   Any more tinpot outfits out there want to ruffle our feathers?  Hmmm??  No
   country is too small!!  And WE have all sorts of weapons of mass
   destruction.  We can't lose!!  Come on - Have a go ya mugs!

   BTW - Would someone tell the Iraqi Information Minister that his loyal
   troups have not quite surrounded the United States yet but they've got a
   hurdy great rock on the catapult aimed straight towards San Diego!

   Now for some serious stuff.  First up - a couple from Minnesota Scott:

                       --oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo--


                              DEFINITIONS

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in
the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH: A female moth.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

    --oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo--


                              BOB AND EARL

Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.
Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the
winter, and they poured over every box score during the season. They went to
60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come
back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee
victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from
beyond.

"Bob is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in
heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to
hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

    --oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo--

More from David T

                      The value of thoroughness

[This is from the Edinburgh News..]

  Council team miss man's body
  BY JOHN RUTTER

A MAN'S body was boarded up in a flat by workers who had been sent by the
city council to evict him.

A city housing officer and sheriff officers were sent to the flat of David
Green in Bingham to throw him out for not paying his rent.  But, even though
they completed an inventory of the flat's contents, they failed to notice
the 49-year-old Mr Green lying in his bed under the covers.

It has not yet been established whether Mr Green was alive or dead at the
time of the visit, although the council says it believes he died shortly
before, on March 7.

Joiners were then sent in to use steel shutters to seal up the property -
with the body still inside - and it was not until the home was being cleared
13 days later that it was discovered.

A council spokeswoman said: "An eviction was due to be carried out at the
property on March 7, following repeated attempts to contact Mr Green.
Sheriff officers visited the house with a housing officer in attendance to
do this.  On receiving no answer at the door, the sheriff officers forced
entry to the property in accordance with normal procedures."

"The house was found to be in a state of considerable disarray.  Staff noted
that the house still contained a large number of household items, and the
house was secured pending clearance of the property."

The spokeswoman said staff were sent back to the clear the flat on March
20 and that was when they found Mr Green's body in his bed.  She said it "was
concealed by many bedclothes". And she added: "The police were immediately
called.

Mr Green was later found to have died of natural causes, probably a day or
two before the eviction."

Lothian and Borders Police confirmed they had attended the scene and had made
a report on the incident.  A police spokesman said: "Officers were called
to an address in the Bingham area on March 20 following a report of a man's
body being found.  "There were no suspicious circumstances and a report has
been submitted to the Procurator Fiscal."

A council investigation has now been launched to try to establish how the
body could have been missed.

One council worker reportedly said: "This simply beggars belief. It's not
clear if they sealed him in - or if he was already dead and they just failed
to spot his body.  Either way it's a major cock-up. An inquiry is under way
and heads could roll."

One of Mr Green's neighbours added: "They can't have had a very good look -
just a once-over."

The council's Tory leader, Iain Whyte, said that while the council had
a difficult job to do in letting houses, the situation was "truly awful".
"This is really shocking," said Mr Whyte.  "The housing department has been in
trouble before for taking too swift action when it comes to evicting people.
I know they are in a difficult situation having to let the houses which they
have as quickly as possible but they must make sure that the most basic checks
have been carried out and that doesn't appear to have been the case here.
It must be very distressing indeed for Mr Green's family I hope there will
be a full inquiry and that mechanisms will be put in place to ensure that
nothing like this can ever happen again."

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    And from Kero Steve ...

                        A QUOTE FROM SKY NEWS

"Umm Qasr is a city similar to Southampton," UK defence minister Geoff Hoon
 said in The Commons yesterday. "He's either never been to Southampton, or
 he's never been to Umm Qasr" says a British Squaddie patrolling Umm Qasr. he
 added: "There's no beer, no prostitutes and people are shooting at us. It's
 more like Portsmouth."

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The Allnutt Selection

                         NO CUSSING IN CHURCH

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you WHAT, that was a damned
fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use that kind
of language in the Lord's House."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"

    --oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo--

    From Snowfields Beryl

               WHO SAYS FATHERS CAN'T THINK LATERALLY!

A girl goes to see her mother and tells her that she has missed her period
for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The
test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know!!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a brand new
Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey hair
and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters
the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and
tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I
can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take
charge.

If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa
and a $1,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000
bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage..."

At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time, places a
hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You will fuck her again."

    --oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo--

More from Minneapolis Scott

                              Ageing Hits

Our favorite songs are ageing with us.  Good news; some of your old
favorites are re-released with new lyrics to accommodate their aging
audience. For example ...

Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones--"You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?"

Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations--"Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"

Nancy Sinatra--"These Boots Give Me Arthritis"

ABBA--"Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores--"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair"

The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"

Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune a-Rising"

Marvin Gaye--"I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

    --oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo--


   This weeks pics are from JJ, Ben, Sister Carol, KeroSteve, David T, David A,
   Trina, Stevo, and ... well, you know who you are ...
                           -------------------------

Only in Mexico Click here
Traffic jam Click here
Second prize Click here
The Iraqi 2nd battalion Click here
Stormin' Norman Click here
We report. You decide.  Click here
More from Network Rupert Click here
Mind your aim Click here
Spooky Click here
Reason for war Click here

    --oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo--


    So ... back to ASCII with something from sunny QCAT

                                   OH SHUT

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is rudely awoken at 4am by the
telephone.

"Hillen, its the hilth munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but
there is an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en
Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New
Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

"Shuuuuuut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted
babies - we'll be ruined!" "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad
... Britain?..."

"No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"

"What about Australia?"

"Maybe - but we don't want them to know thet we are stuck. You call John
Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight
enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!!"

Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need.
Three days later a van arrives in Auckland - full of boxes. A delighted
Helen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms; 10 inches long;
8 inches thick, all coloured green and gold. She then notices in small
writing on each one ...

MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE : MEDIUM

    --oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo--

>From Scott and Steve K

                              Psycobabble

A man was tired of being bossed around by his wife, so he went to a
psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and
so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He
finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger
in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that - I - am the man
of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal
tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert
afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can
relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me
and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," his wife replied.

    --oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo----oOo--


   QUOTE OF THE WEEK

       Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

                                                   - Groucho Marx

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[ End Fri humour ]


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