Friday humour - April 04, 2003

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         Yo,
    And it's another bumper week for pics and things (even including a
    few war-related ones).  Re the war, the interesting news this week is
    the progressive disappearance of various anti-Iraq-war Internet sites.
    The most obvious of these is probably Aljazeera (the English version):
      Click here
    Another site (this time in Canada) that we referred to two weeks ago
    has also suddenly disappeared (Yellow Times) - Click here

    One can but wonder if it's the US Govt doing this, or the ISPs themselves.
    Maybe we'll never know?  (Anyway, if you are surfing around for info on
    the conflict and you get some blank screens at times, you'll know why)

    Okay, onto the humour.  Firstly this week, from Maria the Harding
    (ala Mrs Digitronics), a virus warning:
                            ----------------------

                                  NEW VIRUS

   It seems that there is a new virus called the "C-Nile" Virus that even the
   most recent virus protection programs cannot kill.  It apparently only
   attacks those born before 1958.

                             SYMPTOMS OF C-NILE VIRUS

1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.

2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.

4. Causes you to send back the message to the person who sent it to you.

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the
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    This one was sent to me by a Unix system I often log into for doing
    E-mail and other assorted things ...
                            ----------------------

                SAFETY TIPS FOR THE POST-NUCLEAR EXISTENCE

1.  Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear bomb;
    use the stairs.

2.  When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit the
    ground.

3.  If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.

4.  Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
    psychological problems.

5.  Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge.  Learn to recognise foods
    that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, shredded wheat,
    tossed salad, ground beef, etc.

6.  Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will be
    scarce in the post-nuclear age.

7.  Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.

8.  Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be staggering
    illegally.

9.  Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more sanitary
    due to limited circulation.

10. Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on D-Day.
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              Then, there was this one from Doc Eric Frazer:
                           ----------------------

              A QUICK EXPLANATION OF MODERN MILITARY TERMS

Engage the Enemy means "to blow something up".

Surgical Strike means "to blow up something small".

Decapitate means "to blow up their leaders".

Collateral Damage means "to accidentally blow up something of theirs".

Friendly Fire means "to accidentally blow up something of ours".

Target of Opportunity means "to blow something up on a whim"

Kinetic Targeting means "to blow up something that's moving"

Ordnance is "something that that does the blowing up"

An Asset is "something that can be blown up"

Embedded Media means "a report that's blown out of proportion"
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         And before we get onto this weeks collection of pics - a trio
         from QCAT up in sunny Queensland:
                            ----------------------

                        A CLASSIC MEETING GAME

  Thought you may like this information about a new Game Craze (actually a
  modified version of an old game!)

  Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars?  What about those
  long and boring conference calls?  Here's a way to change all of that:

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call,
prepare yourself by drawing a square -- 5"x5" is a good size.

2. Divide the card into columns -- five across and five down.  That will
give you 25 one-inch blocks.

3. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:

synergy
strategic
fit core competencies
best practice
bottom line
revisit
take that off-line
24/7
out of the loop
benchmark
value-added
proactive
win-win
think outside the box
fast track
result-driven
empower(ment)
knowledge base
at the end of the day
touch base
mindset
client focus(ed)
ballpark
game plan
leverage

4. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

5. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally,
   stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"

Testimonials from satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:

"I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won."
  -- Jack W., Boston

"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically."
  -- David D., Miami

"What a gas!  Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win."
  -- Sue S., NYC

"The atmosphere was tense in our last process meeting as 14 of us waited
for the fifth box."
  -- Joseph R., St. Louis

"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed BULLSHIT! for the third
time in two hours."
  -- Kathleen L., Atlanta

                        ----=====#====#====#=====----

                                   IRAQ JOKES

What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving?
Turkey

What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
They both have curds in their whey.

What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from.

What is the best Iraqi job?
Foreign Ambassador

How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Doesn't matter.  They can't turn them on anyway.

How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of
$800,000.

How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?
We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time.

Why is it twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
You only have to teach them to take off.

How do you play Iraqi bingo?
B-52...F-16...B-2...F-15

What is Iraq's national bird?
Duck

What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud missile?
Aeroflot has killed more people.

How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
Both may look out the window and see Rubble.

Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper?
They need a map.

Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see their Air Force.

                        ----=====#====#====#=====----

                                 ARAB TV GUIDE:

SUNDAY:
8:00 -  My 33 Sons
8:30 -  Saddam Knows Best
9:00 -  I Dream of Mohammed
9:30 -  Let's Mecca Deal

MONDAY:
8:00 -  Husseinfeld
8:30 -  Wheel of Terror
9:00 -  Mad About Everything
10:30 - Allah McBeal

8:30 -  The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
9:00 -  Children are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:30 -  National Guard's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 - Buffy the Yankee Slayer

WEDNESDAY:
8:00 -  Beat the Press
8:30 -  When Kurds Attack
10:00 - Veilwatch

THURSDAY:
8:00 -  Camel 54, Where Are You?
8:30  - Just Shoot Everyone
10:00 - Eye for an Eye Witness News

FRIDAY:
8:00 -  Judge Saddam
8:30 -  Suddenly Sanctions
9:00 -  Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
10:00 - No-Witness News

SATURDAY:
8:00 -  Sponge Bob Square Turban
8:30 -  Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
9:00 -  TeleKurds
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       Okay - onto the pics.  Now I know this is indulgent, but Steve Kero
       has to move out of his flat this week, and he urgently needs to find
       someone to take up his lease.  As he puts it:
                            ----------------------

                    ANYBODY INTERESTED LEASING A FLAT?

I'm on the move again, but I'm tied into the lease with penalties unless I
can find someone to take over my flat share.

It is very enjoyable even though I cannot have a nice quiet breakfast in
the morning any more, as the kitchen is always packed at this time of day.

Sometimes we need to have a shower together due to our lack of money.

To give you an idea about the problems I am facing I've sent you a picture
taken in the kitchen at 7.00am.  Is there anybody out there who would like to
take over my room?  Please let me know!!!

Our kitchen: Click here

       Then there was this one ...

                                THE GOOD OLD DAYS

Is it just me or do the rest of you long for those days when taking the wife
and mother-in-law out for that Sunday drive in the Country wasn't so bad.

Life was so simple back then ...  Click here

       And still more from Kero - this one has the theme of Liverpool:

Liverpool #1: Click here
Liverpool #2: Click here
Liverpool #3: Click here
Liverpool #4: Click here
Liverpool #5: Click here

      And Kero also sent in a few interesting war shots ...

Bombs: Click here
Battleship: Click here
Blackbird: Click here
Big 16 inch: Click here
Look out: Click here
Nice view: Click here
Top Secret: Click here
We're on our way: Click here
Troops: Click here
Up yours: Click here

     And Kero's final two ...

Shuttle: Click here
Trading Post: Click here
                            ----------------------

     Then we received these from Maria the Harding:

                                 I'VE RESIGNED

  Hi everyone,

After many years of working hard I have decided it was time for me to change
directions with my life and have resigned.  I have decided to become a Red
Cross volunteer as with events in the world being as they are, maybe I can make
a difference when it is needed.  In late March I will head off on a training
course and will be stationed just off the coast of Iraq.  Australia needs my
help and I'm here to give it.  Attached is a picture of the rest of my group.

I'll keep in touch.

  Take Care,

    Esther

My group: Click here

 and

Inner peace: Click here
Big Mac: Click here
                            ----------------------

    Craig (Hobart) came across this, and as he says, "Just received this from
    a friend here in Hobart, with the comment "What does this say about
    their coffee?" ...

Job adv: Click here
                            ----------------------

    German George thought you might be amused by this collection:

Dead end: Click here
Well hung: Click here
Stand closer: Click here
Lowest prices: Click here
Watch out: Click here
No sleep here: Click here
New release: Click here
No, not that ... Click here
                            ----------------------

    And Andrew in computing (who went to Daylesford last week and got himself
    engaged :) has found the latest in Wireless Lan technology:

No wires #1: Click here
No wires #2: Click here

    From Doug, we have ...

Oz Windows: Click here

    Lee (Melb Uni) passed this one on ...

The trio: Click here

    Rowan Davidson found an ad for an Oz Palm Pilot:

Oz Palm Pilot: Click here

    With all the cat and dog humour over the last few weeks, Gary Jensen
    thought you might like this collection:

Morning after: Click here

    And from sunny QCAT, we received this lot:

How to wash brains: Click here
Cricket tester: Click here
Can't: Click here
Dulux: Click here
Walkers chips: Click here
KFC: Click here
Playstation: Click here
Bacardi Breezer: Click here
Fosters: Click here
Porche: Click here

     ... and these Random Acts of Wrongness (RAW) ...

RAW #1: Click here
RAW #2: Click here
RAW #3: Click here
RAW #4: Click here
RAW #5: Click here
RAW #6: Click here

    And finally, these 4 pics - as passed on by Steve Softing:

Irish odds #1: Click here
Irish odds #2: Click here
Irish odds #3: Click here
Irish odds #4: Click here
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         Nikki Scarletto came up with this during the week ...
                            ----------------------

Q: What did the letter O say to the number 8?

A: Nice belt!

      (I never said it was a good joke...)
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

       And Rosalie Louey found this one re geek manners: Click here
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       And just in case you haven't yet read film-maker Michael Moore's
       "Letter to George", here 'tis - as passed on by Theo Rodopoulos and
       David Tiley ...
                            ----------------------

                           A LETTER TO GEORGE BUSH

   March 18, 2003
   George W. Bush
   1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
   Washington, DC

Dear Governor Bush:

So today is what you call "the moment of truth," the day that "France and the
rest of world have to show their cards on the table."  I'm glad to hear that
this day has finally arrived.  Because, I gotta tell ya, having survived 440
days of your lying and conniving, I wasn't sure if I could take much more.

So I'm glad to hear that today is Truth Day, 'cause I got a few truths I
would like to share with you:

1. There is virtually NO ONE in America (talk radio nutters and Fox News aside)
who is gung-ho to go to war.  Trust me on this one.  Walk out of the White
House and on to any street in America and try to find five people who are
PASSIONATE about wanting to kill Iraqis.  YOU WON'T FIND THEM!  Why? 'Cause NO
Iraqis have ever come here and killed any of us!  No Iraqi has even threatened
to do that.  You see, this is how we average Americans think: If a certain
so-and-so is not perceived as a threat to our lives, then, believe it or not,
we don't want to kill him!  Funny how that works!

2. The majority of Americans -- the ones who never elected you -- are not
fooled by your weapons of mass distraction.  We know what the real issues
are that affect our daily lives -- and none of them begin with I or end in
Q. Here's what threatens us: two and a half million jobs lost since you took
office, the stock market having become a cruel joke, no one knowing if their
retirement funds are going to be there, gas now costs almost two dollars --
the list goes on and on.  Bombing Iraq will not make any of this go away.
Only you need to go away for things to improve.

3. As Bill Maher said last week, how bad do you have to suck to lose a
popularity contest with Saddam Hussein?  The whole world is against you,
Mr. Bush.  Count your fellow Americans among them.

4. The Pope has said this war is wrong, that it is a SIN.  The Pope!  But even
worse, the Dixie Chicks have now come out against you!  How bad does it have
to get before you realise that you are an army of one on this war?  Of course,
this is a war you personally won't have to fight.  Just like when you went
AWOL while the poor were shipped to Vietnam in your place.

5. Of the 535 members of Congress, only ONE (Sen. Johnson of South Dakota)
has an enlisted son or daughter in the armed forces!  If you really want to
stand up for America, please send your twin daughters over to Kuwait right now
and let them don their chemical warfare suits.  And let's see every member
of Congress with a child of military age also sacrifice their kids for this
war effort.  What's that you say?  You don't THINK so?
Well, hey, guess what - we don't think so either!

6. Finally, we love France.  Yes, they have pulled some royal screw-ups.  Yes,
some of them can be pretty damn annoying.  But have you forgotten we wouldn't
even have this country known as America if it weren't for the French?  That
it was their help in the Revolutionary War that won it for us?  That our
greatest thinkers and founding fathers -- Thomas Jefferson, Ben Franklin,
etc. -- spent many years in Paris where they refined the concepts that lead
to our Declaration of Independence and our Constitution?

That it was France who gave us our Statue of Liberty, a Frenchman who built
the Chevrolet, and a pair of French brothers who invented the movies?  And now
they are doing what only a good friend can do -- tell you the truth about
yourself, straight, no b.s.  Quit pissing on the French and thank them for
getting it right for once.  You know, you really should have travelled more
(like once) before you took over.  Your ignorance of the world has not only
made you look stupid, it has painted you into a corner you can't get out of.

Well, cheer up -- there IS good news.  If you do go through with this war,
more than likely it will be over soon because I'm guessing there aren't a lot
of Iraqis willing to lay down their lives to protect Saddam Hussein.  After
you "win" the war, you will enjoy a huge bump in the popularity polls as
everyone loves a winner -- and who doesn't like to see a good ass-whoopin'
every now and then (especially when it's some third world ass!).  So try your
best to ride this victory all the way to next year's election.  Of course,
that's still a long ways away, so we'll all get to have a good hardy-har-har
while we watch the economy sink even further down the toilet!

But, hey, who knows -- maybe you'll find Osama a few days before the
election!  See, start thinking like THAT!  Keep hope alive!  Kill Iraqis --
they got our oil!!

  Yours,

    Michael Moore
    www.michaelmoore.com
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           Okay - now for one more from Kero  ...

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.
His three children were outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the
mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.In
the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family
room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing In the kitchen,
dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food
was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small
pile of sand was spread by the back door.  He quickly headed up the stairs,
stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.  He was
worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pyjamas,
reading a novel.  She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from
work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

"Well - today I didn't do it."
  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


        And also just before we finish, one more from Rowan Davidson ...

  Reuters:

News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have
swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade teacher
Mohammed Al-Hazar.  Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.

US intelligence argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence
that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of maths instruction.
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     Finally for the week, and for those of you who can find the time, some
     more scandal.  This time, it's for all you cat and dog lovers out there
     (... that's everyone, isn't it?).  Not really humour, but interesting:
                            ----------------------

  Trying to get the truth out, but the Australian Veterinary Association
  (and it's UK equivalent) just won't bite ...

Meaty bones (just click around, esp in Media Articles) - Click here

  And our Oz (ABC) Science unit wouldn't bite either: Click here
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]



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