Friday humour - March 28, 2003

     From Davo at bluehaze:


     So - Yo and G'day,

Thanks to Tony for keeping our funnyish little rag alive and kicking during
my absence up in the land of "beautiful one day - perfect the next".
They're not wrong.  The temperature never dropped below 18 C nor rose beyond
28 C.  I didn't expect my private message to Tony to hit the press but our
Editor-In-Chief as a rule of thumb subscribes to the publish or be damned
theory.    :)

Frankly I haven't even looked at the last few issues so much of what's below
may be recycled (*).  And my files are in a terrible mess so this issue may well
reach an all time low.  Rupert might well give me a posting.

[ (*) Worry not, Ian - I delete any recycled stuff before archiving in here! ]

Hey - the footy's back.  Go the Mighty Pies!  Click here

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        First up from Olivine (Mrs Next Door)

                          THE MOODS OF A WOMAN

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.


                          THE MOODS OF A MAN

Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.

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               From Rowan Davo ...

                               FUNNY, THAT ...

1) Go to Google and type "french military victories" into the search box - Click here

2) Click the 'I'm Feeling Lucky' button ...

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                A duo from KeroSteve:

                        STRESS MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUE

Oh Yes! Stress Management Technique Just in case you've had a rough day,
here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest
psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of
   serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.


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                              THE OUTHOUSE

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... Pa, You need
to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back,
"Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So....... Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma
There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my
head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with
that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma There
ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma Help!
My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it ?!"

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            And from sunny QCAT:

                            IT'S POSSIBLE ...

Turkey declares war on Kurdistan (North Iraq) the day after the US creates
it. Islamic extremists bomb Russia (again), just as US accusations of Russia
supplying weapons to Iraq refreezes the Cold War. Germany and France vote to
expel UK from EU. China declares UN no longer relevant, and withdraws, and
guarantees North Korea protection in case of US invasion in the process. In
response Japan revokes old WWII treaty and develops its own missile and
atomic bomb program. Bruce Ruxton declares war in response.

Meanwhile, Bush is now facing impeachment for lying to congress and,
desperate to find a weapon of mass destruction, has the US army detonate one
of their old nukes (preferably on UK / Australian troops) to convince the US
public (and the world) of the danger which Saddam presented.

Business news is good however, with both Caltex and Mobil declaring record
profits after being awarded drilling rights to the 2nd largest oil producing
country in the world by the new pro-US Iraqi dictator.

Did I miss anything?

Oh yeah, hopefully, in all the excitement the terrorists will stuff up and
bomb Austria.... John Who-ward?

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    From somebody from Castle Hill Books (you know who you are ...)

                                 RECESS

A second grade class had just come in from recess, and the teacher, figuring
to start on the spelling section of the day turned to Alice, and asked,
"What did you do for recess today?"

Alice responded, "I played in the sandbox."

"That sounds like fun, now, if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I'll
give you a freshly baked cookie" the teacher responded.

Alice went to the blackboard, spelled the word correctly, got her cookie,
and took her seat.

The teacher then turned to Michael, and asked him, "What did you do at
recess today?"

"I played with Alice in the sandbox." he responded.

"If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I'll give you a freshly baked
cookie."

He goes to the blackboard, spells the word box, gets his cookie, and returns
to his seat.

Next, the teacher turns to Arafat Futh, and asks him, "Arafat, what did you
do for recess today?"

"Well, I tried to play with Alice and Michael in the sandbox, but they threw
rocks at me and said I was a stinking Paki." he said.

The teacher, wide-eyed, responds, "Well that sounds like blatant, racial
discrimination. I'll tell you what Arafat, if you can spell blatant, racial
discrimination on the blackboard, I'll give you a freshly baked cookie."

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         And from Mad Mick of Marwick ...

                              PETROL PRICES

Worth a look if you havent got a company fuel card or if you hate Tony Blair
and want to see him squirm again. This hits the fuel companies, but I Bet it
will become political.

BERT - Do you think the same principle could be applied to beer???

We are going to hit close to 89p a litre by the summer, it may be even
higher. Would you rather petrol prices came down instead? We need to take
some intelligent, united action. Philip Hollsworth offered this good idea:

This makes MUCH MORE SENSE than the "don't buy petrol on a certain day"
campaign that was going around last April /May! The oil companies just
laughed at that because they knew we wouldn't continue to "hurt ourselves"
by refusing to buy petrol. It was more inconvenient to us than it was a
problem for them. BUT, whoever thought of this idea, has come up with a plan
that can really work. Please read it and join in!

Now that the oil company cartels and the OPEC nations have conditioned us to
think that the cost of a litre is CHEAP at 77p-80p, we need to take
aggressive action to teach them that BUYERS control the market, not sellers.
With the price of petrol going up more each day, we consumers need to take
action. The only way we are going to see the price of petrol come down is if
we hit someone in the pocket by not purchasing their Petrol! And we can do
that WITHOUT hurting ourselves. Here's the idea:

For the rest of this year (or until the desired effect is achieved), DON'T
purchase ANY petrol from the two biggest oil companies (which now are one),
ESSO and BP. If they are not selling any petrol, they will quickly reduce
their prices. If they reduce their prices, the other companies will have to
follow suit. But to have an impact, we need to reach literally MILLIONS of
Esso and BP petrol buyers. It's really simple to do!! Now, don't wimp out at
this point... keep reading and I'll explain how simple it is to reach
millions of people!! I am sending this note to a lot of people. If each of
you send it to at least ten more, then 30 x 10 =3D 300... and those 300 send
it to at least ten more (300 x 10 =3D 3,000) ... and so on, by the time the
message reaches only the sixth generation of people, we will have reached
over THREE MILLION consumers! If those three million get excited and pass
this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been
contacted! If it goes one level further, yes - you're right... .. THREE
HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE!!!

Again, all you have to do is send this to a minimum of 10 people. That's
all.(and NOT buy your petrol at ESSO/BP).

How long will all this take? - If everyone sends this email out to ten more
people within one day of receipt, all 300 MILLION people could conceivably
be contacted within the next 8 days!!! I'll bet you didn't think you and I
had that much potential, did you! Acting together we CAN DEFINITELY make a
difference.

If this makes sense to you please, please pass this message on NOW. PLEASE
HOLD OUT UNTIL THEIR PRICES GO BELOW 70p A LITRE.  (They would still make a
healthy profit at these prices).

It's easy to make this happen. Just forward this email, and buy your petrol
at Shell, Tesco, Sainsburys, Jet etc.- ie. boycott BP and Esso

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            Two quickies from Allnutts

                              RODEO POSITION

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favourite sex
positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy.  "What
is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours, and you mount
her from behind, and you reach around and cup each of her breasts in your
hands, and then you whisper in her ear:

"These feel just a little smaller than your sister's" - And then you try to
hold on for eight seconds.

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                             ITALIAN JOKE

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the
following ,...... "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In
this country.... we don't speak aloud in pubic places about our sex
lives.........

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa
tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

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    As my files are in an ungodly mess it would be a mistake to give out any
    credits for the following graphics.  You know who you are ... apologies
    for any that may have already appeared:

Taking the piss Click here

Relaxing jobs Click here

Hang five Click here

Turn right anytime with care Click here

Good Lessons Click here

History lessons Click here

Bad hair day Click here

The perfect guy Click here

Groovy cat Click here

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              More ASCII from Minnesota Scott:

                                CHURCH HUMOUR

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy,
don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to
discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it
was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the
covers off the neighbor's wife."

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the
way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what
was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us
brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer
for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from
the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she
carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us
not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from E-mail. Amen." And
one particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we
forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together
in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister
had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." Why? Who's
going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and
said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan 3. The boys
began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the
opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his
younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran
up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay
dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and
went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their
six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I
wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy
say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on
earth did I invite all these people to dinner ?"

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         From Delish Lish

                             WOMEN DRIVERS

Driving to the office this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my
right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW, doing 90 miles per hour,
with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I
looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway
over in my lane still working on that makeup!

It scared me (I'm a man) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which
knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to
straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked
my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it
to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE TWINS, causing me to scream, which made
me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN
IMPORTANT CALL.

Women drivers!

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              From the good Sister Carol

                               FUNNY TALK

Ever spoken and wished that you could take the words back... or that you
could crawl into a hole? Here are a few people who do....

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several
minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at
the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him
and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." Colleen Collins, 31,
Ferndale, MI


My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety
of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter
asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned
beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
   Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD



Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old
son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was
very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had
not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he
said "No."

I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have
any clothes with me."

I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the
smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have
an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his
cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly
choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and
sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best
laugh they'd ever had!


This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before
she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any.... a true
story...

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that
8 inches you promised me last night?"

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               From Trina

                           WEAPON INSPECTORS!

Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived
in Iraq? They're all men! How in the name of the United Nations does anyone
expect men to find Saddam's stash?

We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to finding things. For
crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes hamper. Men can't find
the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard and splatters on the
floor ... and these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden
weapons of mass destruction?

I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in. Mothers can sniff out
secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. Mothers can find gin
bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath the rafters. They can
sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can tell when the lid
of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch slice has
been shaved off a chocolate cake. A mother can smell alcohol on your breath
before you get your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from
a block away. By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids
than Sherlock Holmes.

And if a mother wants an answer to question, she can read an offenders yes
quicker than a homicide detective.  So, considering the value a mother
could bring to an inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of old men
who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats?

My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by
the ear, give it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons
of mass destruction?" And God help him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march
him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear
bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?"

Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd lay some stripes across his bare
bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in front of the whole of
Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd have
to cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole damn summer.

Inspectors my ass... You want the job done? Call my mother.

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  A quickie to finish with from Sir Adrian of Turner (Mad mate of Mad Mick)

[Mick says:  "Not only is he a major landowner, he packets it up, adds a
weed or two and sells it back to us poor sods. - A Garden Centre owner."]

                               THOUGHTS

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the
best golfer is a black guy, The Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is
accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war.

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                              QUOTE OF THE WEEK

     "I am disappointed that we could not stay longer to finish our work.
      We had the door slammed in our faces."

                            - Hans Blix (Chief UN weapons inspector)

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          *** Addendum ***

The Great Man (EIC Tony) got fired up after last weeks FH edition and added
some 'trailing' editorial comments to the FH archives last Saturday.

And as Mrs Slocome would say - I am quite unanimous in this.

Tony and me are not anti-Jewish or anti-anything.  We're fair dinkum and we believe
in the Great Aussie fair go.

We all need a laugh - but sometimes should discuss what make the world go round.
Any comments?  Send them to: contribute~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au.

If you wish to read it, it's at the bottom of last week's episode - Click here
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[ End Fri humour ]


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