Friday humour - March 21, 2003

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

          Hi,
     And I thought Davo would be back on deck this week after a relaxing
     three weeks in the warm sunshine up in Queensland!  Except that on
     Monday, he emailed:

  "When changing accom last weekend I moved to an older place in Coolangatta
  and not long after moving in there was a huge crash when a b/r window
  blew out and the door slammed shut.  I darted in to checkout the damage
  and had to put my shoulder to the door to get in.  The door slammed
  shut on my thumb and two thirds of the end came off - it was just a
  piece of hanging bloody flesh.  I got a taxi to the hospital and they
  spent 1 hr 15 min stitching it back in place - and it's been in a sling
  up till today.  Last week was half spent in the ER room at the hospital
  having the wound looked at - and now my local doc has given me the week
  off as I can't even write.

  I know the pain I went through with just this small wound.  I shudder to
  think of the atrocities that Bush is itching to inflict on the innocent
  people of Bhagdad.  May he rot in hell - and take little Johnny Me-Too
  with him."

     Ouch!  Well, I trust the pain's gone down by now, Ian.  And re the US
     and their so-called "just" war as they begin bombing Iraq, I reckon we're
     all still in the dark re their real motives.  Kenneth Davidson wrote an
     interesting piece on it in yesterday's "Age" newspaper in Melbourne
     called "The real reasons America is invading Iraq" - Click here

     There have also been a couple of interesting "Four Corners" programs on
     ABC TV here in Oz during the past cupla weeks, and the interview
     transcripts make quite illuminating reading.  One of the most broad-
     ranging was with Jim Lobe of the Inter Press Service:  Click here
     (which created some discussion on www.crikey.com - Click here
     and Pat Buchanan (writing for The American Conservative - "Whose war?")
     also pulls no punches: Click here

     Our gypsy scientist (Lachlan) also pointed out some interesting links.
     These are more concerned with America's sinking economy than with their
     rising imperialism , eg: The End of Empire: Click here

     All interesting background reading for such a disturbing beginning to
     the 21st century.  Stuff you won't generally find in the mainstream
     media (wonder why?) and which is doubtless why most people in the world
     are so worried and confused.

     John Howard asks us (in Oz) not to "take this alliance with the US/UK out
     on the Armed Forces, but rather, to take it out on the Government".  One
     can only hope that some of those who voted for him at the last election
     heed that advice.
              ---------------------------------------------


     Okay - just before we hit the humour, this observation from David Tiley,
     sparked off (I suspect) by last week's anti-French FH poster re the
     attitude of the French ...
                            ---------------------

Just a small observation while we laugh.  The French jokes doing the rounds
are funny - but they are more than just jokes.  The French are actually
standing up against the war in Iraq, and the Americans are venting a quite
amazing amount of spleen for obvious ulterior motives.

And they are telling lies.  There's a few other sources of opinion out there
which have pointed out that

A) the French took on the whole of Europe under Napoleon and held them off
for nearly twenty years.  And when he came back from Elba in 1815, they
created a complete army in a matter of weeks and fought the victorious
Allies one last time.  And very nearly won.

B) In World War One - a conflagration dear to our patriotism as well - they
fought the Germans for four years and lost one and a half million men.  And
they didn't surrender then.  The Americans call this, for some peculiar
reason, the 1917-18 War.  They say they "rescued the French".

C) The second world war, in which the Germans occupied Danzig, annexed
Austria, poured into Czechoslovakia, obliterated Poland and invaded France
through neutral Belgium, was surely the most justifiable war in modern
history.  The US responded to this devastating attack on national sovereignty
by refusing to become involved, and running lend-lease, which the British
were still paying for in the 1970's.  They finally condescended to fight in
WW2 because the Japanese actually went out and blew up great chunks of the
Pacific Fleet.  That they thought was a "A Day of Infamy."  Again, they say
they "rescued the French."

D) the French, meanwhile, continued to fight world war two both through the
Free French and the Maquis, and managed to keep the Germans from occupying
half the country.  And while Maurice Chevalier did indeed sing for the Nazis,
the French record in protecting the Jews was not bad.

E) And I hardly think the French behaviour in Vietnam can be criticised by
the Americans.

So think about it.  The Americans are also ruthless about the French for
defending their culture and insisting cultural activities are entitled to
protection as a "special category."  The same position protects the
Australian film and television industries, and enables us to put grants into
the arts, but we don't support the French on this.  We let them fight it for
us.  Who's the little scaredy cat there, hey?

Sorry to get political, but these are dark times, and we may find our lives
changed completely by the next few months.  What happens if the Americans
bleed so much enforcing civil order they decide to quit?
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        Finally, to the humour - firstly, from Maria the Harding:
                            ---------------------

                             HEAVEN'S VOICE MAIL

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of
our lives.  Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to
install voice mail?  Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1 For Spanish press 2 For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for request Press 2 for thanksgiving

Press 3 for complaints

Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right
now.  However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the
order it was received.  Please stay on the line.  If you would like to speak
to: God, press 1

Jesus, press 2

Holy spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his
social security # followed by the pound sign.  If you receive a negative
response, please hang up and dial area code 666.

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3:16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets,
please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.  Our computers show
that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again
tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.  If
you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact
your local pastor.  Thank you and have a heavenly day.
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        Well, nearly to the pics already, but just before we do, a few
        short ones from John at the malt factory:
                            ---------------------

A guy is asking an American, "What proof do you have that Iraq has
weapons of mass destruction?"

The American replies, "We kept the receipts."

                            ---===#==$==#===---

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.."

"Center, we are at 35,000 feet.  How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

                            ---===#==$==#===---

  And another famous SR-71 story ...

Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60
(60,000ft).

The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do
you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?"

The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it,
we plan to go down to it."

He was cleared.

                            ---===#==$==#===---

Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned
to the gate.  After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the
problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the
flight attendant. "It took us a while, to find a new pilot."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Now to the pics, firstly from Steve Harding, who comments "Only in
     America could two people generate 177 gallons (3/4 of a cubic metre)
     of trash in 72 hours from the contents of a sturdy storage box ..."

Ultimate trash: Click here

     Remember those annotated US Homeland pics that Lachlan forwarded
     a cupla weeks back?  Well, here's another version as passed on by
     both David MacCallum and Kero:

Be prepared: Click here

     Nikki Scarletto went looking for a web page one day, and it couldn't
     be found ...

Page not found: Click here

     And David Tiley thought you may be amused by this (shockwave) song:

Dear penis: Click here

     Well, the Kero collection this week took out the size award (narrowly
     defeating Trevor over at RAU):

Body paint #1: Click here
Body paint #2: Click here
Body paint #3: Click here
Body paint #4: Click here
Body paint #5: Click here
Body paint #6: Click here
Body paint #7: Click here
Body paint #8: Click here
X-ray fun: Click here
Peace march: Click here
OH&S matters: Click here

     And this one from Maria the H:
Yes, sir? Click here

     David Tiley also sent these over:
Happy chimps: Click here
Happy bubs: Click here
George dublya #1: Click here
George dublya #2: Click here
George dublya #3: Click here
George dublya #4: Click here
George the puppet: Click here

     And German George (who's only working over there) sent these:

Stoned: Click here
Love: Click here
We what? Click here
Your gyno: Click here
Yikes: Click here

     Bruce Williamson came across this bike warning sticker for all you
     petrol-heads:

Hyabusa warning: Click here

     Trevor's back studying at RAU (near Johannesburg) and reckoned
     that these would be worth a toss:

Jenny L #1: Click here
Jenny L #2: Click here
Jenny L #3: Click here
Get that right wing glow: Click here
Remember 9/11: Click here
Go preggers for victory: Click here
Bum-snort: Click here
Karl piggy: Click here
I'm fighting for ...  Click here

     This one as forwarded on by Rosalie Louey is a little classic:

Hands up: Click here

     And lastly (only because it arrived lastly), from David MacCallum:

Kids books that never made it (but why?) Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


          Okay - up to sunny Queensland and QCAT for this contribution:
                            ---------------------

                   FOR ANYONE WHO HAS, OR HAS HAD, A DOG

1.  The rubbish man is not stealing our stuff.

2.  I should not suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the
    coffee table.

3.  I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa, or under
    the bed.

4.  I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

5.  I will not eat the cats' food, either before they eat it or after
    they throw it up.

6.  I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet
    in the house when I am about to be sick.

7.  I will not throw up in the car.

8.  When at the beach, I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs,
    etc. no matter how good they smell.

9.  Whiskas, although tasty, is not food.

10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then re-deposit them,
    after processing, in the back yard.

11. The nappy bin is not a biscuit jar.

12. My humans' toothbrushes are for the exclusive use of my humans.  If
    they want me to have one, they'll get me one.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, so
    that when I throw up, my people will not assume I am haemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down
    on rainy days.

15. We do not have a doorbell; I will not bark each time I hear one on
    the telly.

16. I will not steal Mum's undies and dance all over the backyard with
    them.

17. The couch is not a face towel, neither are Mum's and Dad's laps.

18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

19. I will not bite the policeman's hand when he reaches in for Mum's
    driver's license.

20. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's jocks when he's on the loo.

21. To avoid having a string hang out of my arse, I will not eat
    mint-flavoured dental floss out of the bathroom garbage.

22. I will not consider rolling around in the dirt a necessity, first
    thing after getting a bath.

23. I will remember that sticking my nose into someone's groin is an
    unacceptable way to greet visitors.

24. I will not hump on any human leg, no matter how attractive.

25. I will not fart in my owner's face while I am sleeping on the pillow
    next to their heads.

26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my bum across
    the carpet.

27. I will not consider the toilet bowl a magical, never-ending water
    supply, in spite of clear evidence that it is.

28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my behind
    when company is here.

29. I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my bum can
    quickly clear a room, and is thus to be avoided; except when in-laws
    are here.

30. The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with him and when he
    makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

31. Even though he's too chicken to come on Sundays, the postie WILL be
    back and I'll have another shot at him.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


                 And another one from John over at CUB ...
                            ---------------------

Two Irishmen in London whilst looking for work were strolling down Oxford
Street.  After walking for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy with a look
of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you have a look at that shop
over there, I thought that London was supposed to be expensive but that shop
is as cheap as chips!!"

Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are, will you have a look at that.
Suits $310.00, Shirts $34.00, Trousers $35.00, I think that we should buy
the lot and take them back to Ireland.  We would make a tidy profit selling
them in Dublin so we would."

Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever
have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things like
that.  The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks that we're
gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won't.".

Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got idea!  You can do the best English
accent out of the pair of us.  You go in there and do the talking and I'll just
stand behind you and say nothing.  He'll never guess we're Irish so he won't."

Okay Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and
look English."

So the two visitors to our illustrious capital city go into the shop, where
Paddy is greeted politely by the owner.

Paddy then proceeds to do his best Phil Mitchell impression; "Awwwight Guvnor,
I'll 'ave 20 of yer 'Whistle 'un Flutes', 20 'Dickie Dirts' and 20 pairs of
strides.  And if yer don't mind I'll be paying with the 380 'Pictures of the
Queen' in my 'Sky Rocket'."

Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at Murphy
as well then asks Paddy "You're Irish aren't you?"

Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be'Jasus.  Mary mother of Christ, if that
isn't me best English accent.  How in God's name did you know that we were
Irish?"

The Owner replies. "This is a Dry Cleaners mate".
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


             Then there was this one as passed on by Biggus McCallum:
                            ---------------------

A one-eyed Blues fan goes into Carlton Social Club to drown his sorrows.

"A pot of Carlton thanks," he says.

"Sorry, mate," replies the barman, "but you can have a VB."

Fan: "Nah, pot of Kilkenny thanks."

Barman: "Sorry, how about a Melbourne?"

Fan: "Well, what about a pot of Guinness?"

Barman: "Sorry, mate."

Fan: "How come I can't get a Carlton or a Kilkenny or a Guinness, yet I can
get a VB or a Melbourne?"

Barman: "We've got no draught choices, but you can still get bitter."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         This one's from the UK (Brian D. McNicol), so it's taken a few
         months to arrive.  (Dave McCallum also passed it on):
                            ---------------------

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted
by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum
cleaners."

"F*** off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded
to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it
wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration."  And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over
her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from
your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a fucking good appetite, because the
electricity was cut off this morning."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


         And lastly for yet another week, a few crude jokes for that next
         arvo (or evening) at the pub when your conversation goes quiet.
         This one passed on by Brett ...
                            ---------------------

          Some cynicism from men ...

Whats the difference between a washing machine and a woman?

When you've chucked your load in a washing machine, it doesn't follow you
round all week.

          Even better cynicism from the girls ...

Q. What does a woman's arsehole do when she is having an orgasm?
A. He's usually home with the kids.

Q: Why don't men have a mid-life crisis?
A: They're stuck in adolescence.

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they are practicing to be men.

Q: What is the definition of nothing?
A: When a man with an erection walks into a brick wall and injures his nose.

Q: Why do men float better than women?
A: Because they are scum.
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[ End Friday humour ]



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