Friday humour - March 07, 2003

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

          And ... gidday,
     This week, we start with a puzzle as forwarded on by David Tiley.
     As David says "Worry this out for a while.  We know it's not what it
     claims to be, but how the hell does it work?  Allow yourself a decent
     interval of fretting.  Note that I do know at least one person, not
     even scientifically trained, who worked it out."  Have a go ...

     Mind reader: Click here

     Okay, enough brain-strain - although if anyone else can pass on any
     good brain teasers, please do.  We've run a few in the past, and they
     were always popular, eg: Click here and Click here

     Anyway, on with the humour/philosophy now, and first up it's one from
     Olivine Mads, as originally passed on for your amusement in November:
                             ------------------

                               DING DONG DELL

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.  The animal cried piteously
for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.  Finally he decided
the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just
wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him.  They all grabbed a
shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.  At first, the donkey realised
what was happening and cried horribly.  Then, to everyone's amazement, he
quieted down.  A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the
well, and was astonished at what he saw.

With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something
amazing.  He would shake it off and take a step up.  As the farmer's neighbours
continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take
a step up.  Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over
the edge of the well and trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.  The trick to getting
out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.  Each of our troubles
is a stepping stone.  We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up!  Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

Enough of that.  The donkey later came back and kicked the crap out of the
farmer that tried to bury him.

Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.
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      And one from John over at the frothy CUB (racist but funny):
                             ------------------

Saint Peter was logging in new arrivals at the gates of Heaven when he saw
a black guy from a small town in Mississippi standing in front of him.

"What do you think you're doing here?" Saint Peter demanded.

"You mean black folk aren't allowed in?" the man asked.

"Only very special blacks.  What makes you think you qualify?"

The man puffed himself up. "I'm the very first black man from my town to
marry a white woman."

"When did you do that?"  Saint Peter asked.

The black guy looked at his watch. "About five minutes ago."
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    And some more classic cat-egorical truths passed on by Maria Harding:
                             ------------------

                                    CATS

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and they will piss
 upon your computer."
  --Bruce Graham

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
  -- Unknown

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.  Cats have never
 forgotten this."
  --Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs.  You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through
 snow."
   --Jeff Valdez

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
  -- English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
  -- Ellen Perry Berkeley

"One cat just leads to another."
  -- Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to
 you later."
  -- Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good
 many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
  -- Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life."
  -- Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe.  They are all owned by
 cats."
  -- Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats.  The wisdom of cats is
 infinitely superior."
  -- Hippolyte Taine

"No heaven will ever Heaven be, unless my cats are there to welcome me."
  -- Unknown

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."
  -- Albert Schweitzer

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."
  -- Ernest Menaul

"Dogs believe they are human.  Cats believe they are God."

"Time spent with cats is never wasted."
  -- Colette

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.  True, and
 they have many other fine qualities as well."
  -- Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats."
  -- Colonial American proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what
 you want."
  -- Joseph Wood Krutch

"I got rid of my husband.  The cat was allergic."

"My husband said it was him or the cat.  I miss him sometimes."

"Cats aren't clean - they're just covered with cat spit."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     And one from our other list over in the beautiful, wild west of Oz ...
                             ------------------

           THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

     Indubitably
     Innovative
     Preliminary
     Proliferation
     Cinnamon

        THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

     Specificity
     British Constitution
     Passive-aggressive disorder
     Loquacious Transubstantiate

        THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
           (Okay, some of these are just for the guys)

     Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
     Nope, no more booze for me
     Sorry, but you're not really my type
     Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
     Oh, I just couldn't.  No one wants to hear me sing
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Onto the pics now.  First lot consists of a few Homeland URLs
        passed on by Lachlan the gypsy scientist:
                             ------------------

From the U.S. Department of Homeland Security: Click here
And ... Click here
And from the Department of Homeland panic: Click here

           Darnell at Solucient forwarded this link:
                       ------------------
Splish splash: Click here

        Rowan Davidson thought you might enjoy this little ...
Bush and Blair duet: Click here

                  And a few URLs from Jason and Donna ...
                             ------------------
Of all the names to pick ...  Click here
Leave your soul at the front gate, please.  Click here
Wow - it happened!  Click here
How stiff?  Click here
How do you get there from here?  Click here

               That QCAT place up North sent these down ...
                             ------------------

Cat talk: Click here
Chicken shit: Click here
Doggy: Click here
Gone? Click here
On another line: Click here
Men's room: Click here
Nature: Click here
Transplant: Click here
Whipped cream: Click here
The vote: Click here
Late home from work: Click here
His and hers: Click here
Dildo song: (this one's big and it may take a few minutes to load) Click here

       And from Steve kero, we have the US's new setup for the Middle East:
                             ------------------

#1: Click here
#2: Click here
#2: Click here

       ... and Kero also passed on some cool anti-war-march placards ...

#1: Click here
#2: Click here
#3: Click here

       On a different tack completely, Steve also passed on a few shots
       of the current weather in Canada ...

Roof of Saint Carols: Click here
Bank Street: Click here
East Side street: Click here
Digging our way out: Click here
Ken's house: Click here
Saint Carols: Click here
More digging out: Click here

        ... and finally from Kero, a few more miscellaneous ones:

Take a number: Click here
My nose job: Click here
Try your luck: Click here

                    This one came from Brett Valentine:
                             ------------------

The back-hoe gymnist - future Darwin Award winner?  Click here

                         And from Daisy who lurks:
                             ------------------

Fresh eggs: Click here

                       Maria the Harding sent this:
                             ------------------

Smart mouse: Click here

        And finally, I've lost track of the sender for this one (ooops):
                             ------------------

We can personalise our plates too!  Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        Okay - back to plain old ASCII again and this story via Kero ...
                             ------------------

During Carlton's recent trip to central Australia, Denis Pagan and the
Carlton entourage stopped by a refugee camp where they spied an Iraqi refugee
continually jumping in an attempt to escape from the camp.  They noticed that
he was very strongly built and endowed with a huge leap, so they moved heaven
and earth and pulled a few strings to enable the Iraqi, whose name is Ahmed
Kiqbal, to obtain a visa to remain in Australia.

The sweet talking paid off and Ahmed arrived last week at Optus Oval to try
his hand out and come down to training as an International rookie.

Yesterday, was Ahmed's first morning at training.  Pagan introduced Ahmed to
the players and he received a warm welcome.  Pagan then picked up a football
and said: "Ball."

Then Pagan pointed at the goal and said: "Goal."

He then demonstrated a kicking motion and said: "Kick.  Understand?  Kick,
ball, goal.  GOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL!"

Ahmed was a little puzzled by this and finally summoned up the courage to
speak: "Excuse me, Mr. Pagan sir, but I speak very good English.

Pagan replied, "Sit down, son.  I'm talking to Fevola!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Now that Valentine Day's passed by, Jason and Donna reckoned you
       might like to read the Top 10 rejects for this year ...
                             ------------------

                      TOP 10 VALENTINE REJECTS FOR 2003

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
    But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

 9. Our love will never become cold and hollow.
    Unless one day, you refuse to swallow.

 8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store,
    In the hope that later you'd become my whore.

 7. This feels so good, it feels so right,
    I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

 6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class,
    especially when I'm spanking your big fat arse.

 5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished.
    But now I'm fulfilled, GO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

 4. Through all the things that came to pass,
    Our love has grown, but so has your arse.

 3. You're a honey, and you're a cutie
    I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

 2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
    So, right to the point - let's do it, I'm horny!

 1. If you think THAT hickey looks like a blister
    You should check out the one I gave to your sister!
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Brian D. McNicol (UK) is back on the job too, and he sent these two:
                             ------------------

A pastor walked into a neighbourhood pub that was really hopping with music
and dancing.  Every now and than the lights would go out followed by wild
cheering from the crowd.

When somebody noticed the pastor however, the revelry stopped and the room
got very quiet.  Feeling awkward and out of place, the pastor went to the
bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"For heavens sake, why not?" asked the pastor.

"Well, there is a large statue of a woman in there, and I am afraid it would
offend you, being a man of the cloth and all.  She is only wearing a fig leaf
over her...."

"Nonsense," said the pastor. "I'll just look the other way."  Still feeling
very self-conscious in the quiet room he entered the men's room.

After a few minutes he emerged and the whole place was filled with music and
dancing again, and everyone was giving him an enthusiastic round of applause.

Several patrons came to him, slapped him on the back, put their arms around
his shoulders, and led him to the bar where he was presented with a cold drink,
on the house.

"I don't understand," the bewildered pastor whispered to the bartender. "What
happened?"

"They know you're one of us now," the bartender replied.

"How?" asked the pastor.

The bartender grinned and slid another drink to him.

"When the fig leaf on the statue is lifted, the lights go out ..."


                        [ ----====#==#==#====---- ]


                       WHEN YOU HAVE TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it.  We've all kicked back from
our desks and suddenly felt something a brew down below.  As much as we try to
convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable.  For those of you who hate
pooping at work as much as I do, I give you:

               THE SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR TAKING A DUMP AT WORK

Memorise these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing poop in a stall.  This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of panic/embarrassment.  This is similar to the hot flash you receive when
passing an unseen police car & speeding.  If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it.  Pretend it did not happen.  If you are standing next to the
farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it.  No one likes an
escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved.  Making a joke or laughing
makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee): When forcing a poop, several
farts slip out at a machine gun's pace.  This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover.  If this should happen do not panic, remain

in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the
awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of
the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed
location.  This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom.  This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk-up the shitter.  This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you.  As with all farts, it is best to pretend that
the smell does not exist.  Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of
it.  You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with
a newspaper or magazine under their arm.  Always look around the office for
the Out OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN): This is a group of coworkers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.  This group
can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and
identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
least expect visitors.  Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex.  This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: A pooper who does not realise that you're in the stall and
tries to force the door open.  This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that occur when taking a dump at work.  If this occurs, remain in the
stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves.  This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
eye contact.  TURD BURGLARS have been know to cause premature pinchage, which
inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall.  This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to
alert potential TURD BURGLARS.  Very effective when used in conjunction with
an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD
BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall.  This will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied.  If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so
the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.
This is also an embarrassing incident.  If you feel a WATERMELON coming
on, create a diversion.  See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
the toilet water.  Often accompanied by an escapee.  Try using a CAMO-COUGH
with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.  Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.  An
UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty.  This benefits you
as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.  Walk in, check
for other poopers.  If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again.  Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.  People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

                               POOP DEFINITIONS

* GHOST POOP: The kind where you feel the Poop come out, but there is no Poop
in the toilet.

* PERFECT POOP: The kind where you Poop it out, see it in the toilet, but there
is nothing on the paper.

* WET POOP:  The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels
un-wiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your
underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.

* SECOND WAVE POOP: This happens when you're done Pooping and you've pulled
your pants up to your knees, and you realise that you have to Poop some more.

* POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-POOP: The kind where you strain so much to get
it out, you practically have a stroke.

* LINCOLN LOG POOP: The kind of Poop that is so huge you're afraid to flush
without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

* GASSEY POOP: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot giggles.

* DRINKER POOP: The kind of Poop you have the morning after a night of
drinking.  Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of
the toilet.

* CORN POOP: (Self-explanatory)

* GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOP POOP: The kind where you want to Poop, but all you
do is set on the toilet and fart a few times.

* SPINAL TAP POOP: This is when it hurts so badly coming out you'd swear it
was leaving you sideways.

* WET CHEEKS POOP: (The Power Dump).  The kind that comes out of your butt so
fast that your butt gets drenched with water.

* LIQUID POOP: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt
and splashes all over the toilet bowl (and your butt)

* MEXICAN POOP: It smells so badly that your nose burns.

* UPPER CLASS POOP: The kind of Poop that has no odour.

* THE SURPRISE POOP: You are not at the toilet because you think you are about
to fart but ... oops ... arrgghhhh ....

* POOP!!!  THE DANGLING POOP: This Poop refuses to drop into the toilet even
though you know you are done pooping it.  You just pray that a shake or two
will cut it loose ... (except you fall off the seat)
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


           Well, we've somehow gone way over this week, but that's nearly
           it.  This lucky 2nd-last contribution's from Howard Britten:
                             ------------------

There were two council workers out on the job one day.  One would dig a hole,
the other would follow behind him and fill it in.

They worked furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other
guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they
were doing.  So he asked the hole digger "I appreciate the work you're doint,
but what's the story?  You dig a hole ... and then you fill it in again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed; "Well, normally we are three-man
team, but the bloke who plants the trees is off sick today..."
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


           And finally, a little thought for the week from up at QCAT:
                             ------------------

There is a new study out about women.  The results were enlightening.

85% of women think their arse is too big ...

10% of women think their arse is too small ...

The other 5% say that they don't care - they love him and would have married
him anyway.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

          Oh, I nearly forgot - the puzzle.  Can't figure it out, hmmm ...??

     David again: "Then, before you smash the computer, allow yourself to
     find the solution - Click here
     PS: There may be those among you with your trained mathematical
     intellects for whom this is a trivial problem.  If so, you are missing
     out on the fun of fretting."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]



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