Friday humour - February 28, 2003

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        Yo,
   Friday again (almost every week it seems to happen).  First up - a
   cupla bits of feedback from last week.  Mad Mick wrote ...

    | Tony,
    | Please help.
    | Below is one of the jokes/puzzles from this week's batch.
    | It has thrown me completely....I just cannot get my head around it,
    | Je ne comprenez pas!  Please put me out of my misery and explain it.
    | (That is something I have never had to do before with any joke -
    | am I getting that old?)
    |     Mad Mick from Markwick
    |
    | Q: What's 120?
    |
    | A (shouting): 5!

   Well worry not Mick - I'm currently tutoring my 2nd teenager as she
   struggles through year 12 Maths, and it still took us a cupla minutes
   each to sus' it out.   "5!" (in Maths) means 5 factorial, which is just
   a shorthand way of saying "5 x 4 x 3 x 2 x 1".

   And a quick comment from Russell Newnham re another one ...

    || Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
    ||
    || A: To get to the same side
    |
    |   This reminded me of a related joke.
    |
    | Why did the sexual deviate cross the road.?
    |
    | Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.

                              ---===####===---

    Okay, enough of all that.  Plenty more excellent pics were passed on by
    many of you this week - but first up, some purely textual contributions
    as is usual, beginning with this one from Maria the Harding:
                        --------------------------------


As they approached Dublin airport, the two Irish pilots looked out the front
window.

"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is".

"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Seamus.

"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy.

"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Seamus.

"Right Seamus.  When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse"
 said Paddy.

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Seamus.

"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Seamus.

"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy

"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Seamus.

"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy

"I be doing dat already" replied Seamus.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Seamus full of nerves and sweaty
palms.  As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Seamus put the engines in reverse,
put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all
of his soul.  Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke,
the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much
to the relief of Paddy and Seamus and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the
front window and said to Seamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway
I have EVER seen in me whole life".

Seamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin
wide it is".
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         And a quickie that recently floated down from QCAT ...
                        --------------------------------

The Space Shuttle Columbia's black box has just been recovered.

Last transmission sounds something like "Arrr, go on - let her have a drive".
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     This one came from the mob over at Castle Hill Books in the UK:
                        --------------------------------

An old preacher was dying.  He sent a message for his Inland Revenue tax
inspector and his solicitor (both church members), to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.  As they entered
the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on
each side of the bed.  The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly,
smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything.  Both the tax inspector and the lawyer
were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with
him during his final moment.  They were also puzzled because the preacher
had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the solicitor asked, 'Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?'

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, 'Jesus died
between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.'
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       Steve Kero has been quiet for a while (and his mail system doesn't
       allow Friday humour through for some reason, so he now has to read
       it off Bluehaze), but he passed a few on this week - such as ...
                        --------------------------------

I don't usually forward these things on, but it really tugged at my heart
strings, hope you can give even just a little feel obliged to help.....

Paul is 33 years old and lives in England, one of the world's poorest sporting
countries.  This once proud nation has fallen to un-imaginable lows, well
below anything that you or I could understand.  Almost on a daily basis these
people refer to sporting achievements that occurred nearly forty years ago.
We cannot allow this to continue.

There are hundreds of thousands of people like Paul waiting to finally support
an England team that will win.  If you want to help improve the life of a
person like Paul, please become an England Supporter Sponsor.

As an England Supporter Sponsor, you will receive a photo and details of the
poor unfortunate England supporter you are sponsoring.  We are dedicated
to improving the quality of life of the world's poorest sporting nation.
When you sponsor an England Supporter, the effects of your kindness spread
across the whole community.  You will provide life's essentials like a decent
cricket team, a basic Olympic team, a consistent soccer team, a netball team,
non choking tennis players, and a rugby team that can win the games that count.

However, this will not be a short process.  Let's face it, most of us will be
dead before England have a team to be proud of, but we must try.  You can start
sponsoring an England Supporter today by completing an application.  If you do,
you will be linked with an England Supporter instantly.  There are hundreds
of thousands of them out there suffering today more than we will ever know.

We'd like to link you with an England Supporter living near you so that they
can learn from your example.  If you wish, you may specify a preference
to sponsor a cricket or a soccer supporter, as these are the ones in the
greatest need.

Please think about this request thoughtfully.  Just remember all the great
sporting achievements you have witnessed in your life time.  Many of these
England supporters cannot remember one, just the taste of bitter defeat.

This is your opportunity to make a difference in the world, please don't
ignore it.
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     Back to the UK now, and this one as passed on by Brian D. McNicol:
                        --------------------------------

This good looking man walks into an agents office and says, "I want to be
a movie-star."  Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had all
the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis Van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood,
you are gonna have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name!  The Van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will
not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name.  Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years, you will NEVER
go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian!  I'm telling you,
you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it!  I guess we will not be able do business" the guy said, and he
left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.  The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000.  The agent is
awestruck.  Who would possibly send him $50,000?  He reads the letter:

       Dear Sir,
    Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in
    Hollywood.  You told me I needed to change my name.  Determined to make
    it with my God-given birth name, I refused.  You told me I would never
    make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis Van Lesbian.

    After I left your office, I thought about what you said.  I decided you
    were right.  I had to change my name.  I had too much pride to return
    to your office, so I signed with another agent.  I would never have
    made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of
    my appreciation.

          Thank you for your advice.

              Sincerely,

                  Dick Van Dyke
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       To the pics now, and you've all done really well this week - we've
       received stacks of stuff again.  We'll start over at Melbourne Uni
       with a couple from Lee McRae:

New weapon: Click here
Saddam: Click here

        Next, from Jason and Donna came this animal theme ...

Revenge #1: Click here
Revenge #2: Click here
Revenge #3: Click here
Revenge #4: Click here

        And from QCAT way up North, this lot sailed down:

Bra sizes (also passed on by Gary Burge): Click here
Make peace: Click here
Swiss: Click here

        This one from James Powell Esq - it's an alternative take on ...

Lord of the ... (M$ proprietary WMV movie clip) Click here

        Now for a few from Mr Harding:
Ferrari: Click here
New movies: Click here
Best name: Click here

        From Steve Kero, we then received this lot ...
Award: Click here
Fill out the form: Click here
Hot diggity dog Click here
Casual: Click here
Best head: Click here
Our Shane (also passed on Lee): Click here

        Russell MacKinnon thought you might enjoy this excerpt from SNL:

SNL news: Click here

        And from German George over at Minko:

The hissing computer: Click here

        Trevor's back at Uni in SA (RAU), and he just posted these over ...

Absolute: Click here
From NZ comes ... Click here
Big Jack: Click here
Milk of ...?  Click here

        Then came a "George Doublyah" collection from Dave MacCallum:

Bush #1: Click here
Bush #2: Click here
Bush #3: Click here
Bush #4: Click here
Bush #5: Click here
Bush #6: Click here
Bush #7: Click here
Bush #8: Click here

        And finally, from Maria the H, this great idea ...

My li'l pool: Click here
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       Okay, back to the alphabet soup now, and begosh and begorrah -
       it's three more from Maria the H ...
                        --------------------------------

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.  One day while they were
walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep
end.  He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.  Mary promptly jumped in to save
him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately
ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her
to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad
news.  The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to
jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your
senses.  The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his
bathrobe belt in the bathroom.  I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

                              ---===####===---

                       WHY PARENTS HAVE GREY HAIR

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent
problem with one of the main computers.  He dialled the employee's home phone
number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the
boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone,
the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be
there watching over the child.

"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter
through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed
the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"Me!"

                              ---===####===---

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.  They loaded up Jack's minivan
and headed north.  After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible
blizzard.  They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to
myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours
will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.  And if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."  The lady agreed, and the two
men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.  Come morning,
the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.  They enjoyed a great
weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.  It
took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it
was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and
pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit
that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy.  I'm afraid I did.
Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(you expected a different ending, didn't you?)
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         And from James Powell, this primer on fun with acetylene - a
         Darwin Award contender:
                        --------------------------------

                           ACETYLENE FUN?  NOT.

(1993, Ontario, Canada) After I borrowed a welding torch and used it cut up an
old water tank on my family's property, I found myself with leftover partial
bottles of oxygen and acetylene.  It seemed wrong to waste all that gas,
particularly since I had heard about fuel-oxygen explosives, and had always
wanted to test the concept ... Click here

      Just before we leave you for another week, let's go back in time
      with this one as passed on by our gypsy scientist, Lachlan:

A new colleague: Click here

      And for all you Space buffs, this interesting one from David Mags:

NASA News: Click here
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[ End Friday humour ]



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