Friday humour - February 21, 2003

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

         Gidday,
     And some more great stuff contributed this week, including a great
     variety of interesting pics.  BTW, unlike the written humour, the pics
     all tend to get used up every week (there's no 'reserve') so keep 'em
     coming!

     About the only other comment to add is that our other intrepid FH
     reporter (Davo) is about to head North to Surfer's (= the equivalent of
     the Mediterranean or California down here in Oz) for a few weeks of
     sun and relaxation.  So anything you send to him will fall on deaf eyes
     for a few weeks.  Of course, you should all be posting those submissions
     to contribute~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au now (that way, we BOTH get a copy).

     Okay - first up during this pre-Iraqi-circus week, it's the history of
     one famous "saying" as passed on by JK over at CUB via his humour list:
                           ------------------------

In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron
cannons.  Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls.

It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon.  But how to prevent
them from rolling about the deck?

The best storage method devised as a square based pyramid with one ball on
top, resting on four resting on nine which rested on sixteen.

Thus a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next
to the cannon.

There was only one problem:  how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding
or rolling from under the others.  The solution was a metal plate called a
"monkey" with 16 round indentations.

But if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it.
The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys".

Few landlubbers realise that brass contracts much more and much faster than
iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations
would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the
monkey.

Thus it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass
monkey."
                           ------------------------

      And from John, there's more ...

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners.  She places a garment on the
counter.

"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

                              ---===###===---

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

                              ---===###===---

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding.  The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: It's okay - I'm a paramedic, and I'm going to ask you some questions.

Girl:  Okay

Medic:  What's your name?

Girl:  Sharon

Medic:  Okay Sharon.  Is this your car?

Sharon:  Yes

Medic:  Where are you bleeding from?

Sharon: Bleeding Romford, mate

                              ---===###===---

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang.
It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her.

"Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
the A13.  Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "there's hundreds of them!"

                              ---===###===---

Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals,
kept sticking her nose into other people's business.  Several residents were
unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their
silence.  She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member,
of being an alcoholic after she saw his pick-up truck parked in front of the
town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know
what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked
away.  He didn't explain, defend, or deny, he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pick-up in front of Sarah's
house ... and left it there all night.

                              ---===###===---

An Army ranger was deployed to Afghanistan.  While he was there he received a
letter from his girlfriend.  In the letter she explained that she had slept with
two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break up and she wants pictures
of herself back.

So the Ranger does what any squared away Ranger would do.  He went around to
his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.  He
then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that
belongs to you and send the rest back.  Thank you".
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


           This next one was passed on by Howard Britten ...
                           ------------------------

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that despite his
age of 72 years, he could still have sex three times per night.

Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued and after the show said
"Sean, if I'm not being too forward, I would love to have sex with an older
man.  Let's go back to my place."  So they go back to her room and have great
sex.

Afterwards, Sean said, "If you think that wash good, let me shleep for half
an hour and we will have even better shex.  But while I'm shleeping, hold my
ballsh in your left hand and my prick in your right."

Kylie looks perplexed, but agrees.  After his half hour sleep, Sean awakes and
they have even better sex.  Kylie says "That was wonderful."

"Well," says Sean, "If you let me shleep for an hour, we will have the best
shex yet.  But again, hold my ballsh in your left hand and my dick in your
right."

Kylie is used to the routine, so after his hour's sleep, they have mind
blowing sex.  Once it's all over and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean,
tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my
right, stimulate you while you're sleeping."

"No," he says in his broad Scottish brogue. "The lasht time I shlept with a
shlut from Melbourne, she shtole my wallet!"
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


        David Magnay (currently enjoying his new house near the base of Mount
        Dandenong) passed on a large collection of material a week or so ago.
        The remainder of this weeks FH is but a sample.

        This first one could just as easily have come from that classic BBC
        program, "My Word" (and maybe it did) ...
                           ------------------------

In a far away land, there was a lake with three kingdoms on its shores.  In
the centre of the lake was a coveted island.  For centuries, the kingdoms had
fought over it.  One day, they decided to have it out.

Each agreed to send its best knights to the island, where they would duke it
out in a free for all to settle who owned the island once and for all.

The first kingdom was very rich, and sent 100 knights, each with two squires.
The night before the battle, each knight drilled, ate, boasted and celebrated
as the squires cooked, polished armour, cared to the horses, and sharpened
weapons.

The second kingdom was not as rich, and was able to muster only 50 knights,
each with one squire.  The night before the battle, the knights drilled, ate,
boasted and celebrated.  Each only had one squire, so they had to polish
armour, too.  The squires sharpened weapons, cared for the horses, and cooked.

The third kingdom was very poor, and could only send one knight and his
squire.  The knight took care of his armour and drilled as the squire prepared
dinner, tended to the horse, and sharpened the weapons.  To save time, he had
to hang the cooking pot high over the fire with a noose.

The next morning, the knights of the first two kingdoms were too hung over
from the celebration to fight.  The third kingdom's knight was too tired from
preparing for battle.  None of them could fight, so the squires had it out.
The battle raged on through the day and into the night.  After the dust
cleared and the sun rose the next day, only the lone squire from the third
kingdom remained - tired, injured, near death, but victorious.  This only goes
to prove ... (brace yourselves) ...

The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of
the other two sides.

                              ---===###===---

A computer without a Microsoft operating system is like a dog without bricks
tied to its head.

Unix IS user-friendly - it just chooses its friends very carefully.

Two ASCII strings walk into a bar.  The first string says to the bartender,
"Bartender, I'll have a beer. u.5n$x5t?*&4ru!2[sACC~ErJ"
The second string says "Sorry about my friend - he isn't NULL terminated."

Q: Why do programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
A: Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
A: To get to the same side

                              ---===###===---

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are playing a round of golf.  They get
behind a pair that is playing amazingly slow.  After some time they realise
that these two men are blind.

'What a sad way to spend one's life,' said the priest. 'I will say a prayer
for them.'

'I have a good friend that is an eye surgeon,' said the doctor, 'maybe I
could get them some help.'

The engineer thought for a second, 'Why don't these guys play at night?'
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Okay, we're about half-way through now, so we'll take a bit of a
    break and give you some pics now.  First up, it's one from the editor
    of our sister list from over in the old west (Woz):

Check out the action : Click here

    This one was passed on by Howard Britten:
Latest and greatest from AMD: Click here

    This one isn't humour - it's interesting (from David Magnay):
Sky wire: Click here

    Darnell Brown (Solucient) reckoned you might be amused by this Macromedia
    Shockwave thingee: Dirty baby: Click here

    Lachlan's been searching for Weapons of Mass Destruction ...
WMD: Click here

    The next one's the classic for the week (or maybe even for the year),
    as passed on by Gary Burge over in Finance.  It has a story first:
                           ------------------------

  True story.  Suggestion - read the story before you look at the pictures.

My sister-in law is from Oklahoma and has a slight accent.  She has cats, and
when she lived in the South, she would take them to the groomers and have what
is called a "Line cut".  To her, a line cut is when all of the fur hanging down
below the cat's tummy is taken off (because it gets matted or snarled).

When she moved to Chicago with my brother, one of the cats fur got all tangled
up during the move so she took it in for a line cut.  She was quite surprised
when she heard the price, as it was twice as much as it was down south.  She
confirmed with the groomer that he understood what a line cut was and he said
"Yes, I know what a LION cut is."  It seems her accent came out sounding like
LION not LINE - and this is how her cat was returned to her.

She cried for a week - but not as much as the cat.  It was November in Chicago
and the cat needed all the fur it had.

  The cost:
Fuel for car to go to groomers - $4.50
Cat car carrier - $32.99
Grooming fee $80.00

    Getting "the look" from one seriously pissed off cat:
Pissed off #1: Click here
Pissed off #2: Click here

                           ------------------------

      Andrew and Russell came across a site devoted to nice tits and
      reckoned you might like it too:
Great tits: Click here

      Forget who passed this on (I think it was Brett):
Driving lesson: Click here

      And one from Liz Butler (via Russell):
Let me explain: Click here

      Chris Butterfield forwarded this one on:
New menu: Click here

      And Davo left this as a parting (pre-holiday) present, a small tribute
      to our great heroes of NASA:
The Columbia: Click here

      This next one (from Lan Vu ) is a repeat, but it bears repeating:
Classic John West: Click here

      Steve Harding (currently working just across the road) passed this on:
Parents dream: Click here

      Penultimately, this little collection from Darnell at Solucient:
Twatt: Click here
Need it polished?  Click here
Longer ... Click here
The F bus: Click here
Outside broadcast: Click here

      And finally, a little collection that I dug up ...
Say please! Click here
Worst job: Click here
The Will: Click here
Entering the Pearly Gates: Click here
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Back to the textual stuff - and we continue on to the end with the
       David Magnay collection ...
                           ------------------------

A lawyer, an accountant, and an engineer all go into the men's room (they're
all guys, duh :-( ).

The lawyer does his business, then washes his hands, then completely dries
his hands with a truly profligate amount of paper towels.

"Lawyers are trained to be thorough," he explains.

The accountant does his business, then washes his hands.  But he uses a
minimal amount of paper towel, while making sure his hands are as completely
dry as the lawyer's.

"Accountants are trained to be thorough and efficient!" he explains.

The engineer does his business, and walks out without washing his hands!

Flabbergasted, the lawyer and the accountant demand an explanation.

"Engineers don't piss on their hands."

                              ---===###===---

Q. Why does the condemned man get a last cigarette, instead of one of those
   through-the-skin stick-on nicotine thingies?

A. Don't patch the executable.

                              ---===###===---

One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero,
they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

                              ---===###===---

Q: Did you hear about the Comp Sci student who had a penis transplant?

A: His hand rejected it.

                              ---===###===---

Two statisticians are out hunting for deer.  They see one, they both fire!
One shot goes a foot high, one a foot low.  They shake hands and say, "We got
him!"
                              ---===###===---

Q: What's the difference between an introverted programmer and an extroverted
   programmer?

A: An extroverted programmer stares at your shoes while he's talking to you.

                              ---===###===---

Q: Prove that all odd numbers greater than 2 are prime.

   Answers:

Mathematician: 3 is, 5 is, 7 is, so by induction, they all are.

Physicist: 3 - OK, 5 - OK, 7 - OK, 9 - experimental error, 11 - OK, 13 - OK,
15 - experimental error ...

Engineer: 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, 13, 15, yup, looks good enough to me.

                              ---===###===---

Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day.  One was from
New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida.  At the end of
the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.  When they each
replied that they were contractors, the guard said "Hey, we need one of the
rear fences redone.  Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid."

So to the back fence they went.  First up was the Florida contractor.  He took
out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure
the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100
profit for me."

Next was the Missouri contractor.  He also took out his tape measure and pencil,
did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300
for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much.  Without so much as
moving, the contractor says "$2700."

The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like
the other guys!  How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and
we hire the guy from Missouri."
                              ---===###===---

An Engineer, Physicist, and a Mathematician were all up late studying one
night in identical dorm rooms.  As they go to sleep a fire breaks out in each
of their trash cans full of paper.

The Engineer sees a pitcher of water on the desk and pours the entire contents
into the trash can, observes that the fire is out, and rolls over and goes
back to sleep.

The Physicist does some quick mental calculations, and determines that pouring
one quarter of the pitcher in the can would be sufficient to keep the fire
confined to the trash can.  He then pours precisely one quarter of the pitcher
in the trash can and the rolls over and goes back to sleep.

The Mathematician wakes up and notices the fire and the pitcher of water.
Satisfied that a solution exists, he rolls over and goes back to sleep.

                              ---===###===---

Q: What's 120?

A (shouting): 5!
                              ---===###===---

Steve Jobs: Alright, now see this?  This is a three-way road, OK?  And dead in
the centre is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill.  Now, at the end of each of
these streets are three people, okay?  Are you following?

Holden: Yeah.

Jobs: Good.  Over here, we have someone using a Dell with a Pentium 4 that is
much faster than a Mac.  Down here, we have a PC-hating Mac user on a Powermac
G4.  Over here, we got someone using a home-built system with an AMD chip,
once again much faster than the Mac.

Holden: What is this supposed to prove?

Jobs: No, I'm serious.  This is a serious exercise.  It's like an SAT question.
Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first?  The Intel user,
the Mac user, or the AMD user?

Holden: The Mac user.

Jobs: Good.  Why?

Holden: I don't know.

Jobs: Because the other two are figments of your f*cking imagination!

                              ---===###===---

A man finds a lamp and poof, out comes a genie who gives him 3 wishes.

The man's first wish is to live forever and it is granted.

Then he realises that eventually the universe will end so he wishes for the
Hubble constant to be zero and it is granted.

Satisfied, he sits back and wishes for a bowl of pudding.  Poof, a bowl of
pudding materialises out of nowhere, the Hubble constant goes negative, and
the universe collapses.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

   And finally (for those who have the time!), some interesting reading on
   the history of the Space Shuttle project.  Again, this isn't humour, but
   many of you will doubtless find it fascinating.   It's from April 1980
   (courtesy of Mr Mags):

Shuttle project: Click here
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]



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