Friday humour - February 14, 2003

     From Davo at bluehaze:

     G'day and Yo!

   As the world lurches toward "the war that America has to have", it's time
   for a few Friday Funnies.

   The Mars Bar Joke of the Week Award goes to Ben for his inflatable joke.
   It's so stupid that it's sorta funny!

   Happy Valentines Day to all and sundry.


   First up this week - something from British McKnickers

                             THE GOLFER

On their honeymoon, the new husband said to his bride "I have a confession
that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our

"What is it?" she asked.

"I'm a golfer," he said.

"What's the big deal about that?" she asked.

He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that I'll be on the golf course
Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a
choice between your wishes and golf, golf wins."

She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. In the same
spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my
own past that you should know about. I'm a hooker."

"No problem," was his response, "just widen your stance a little and overlap
your grip, and that should clear it right up."


A couple from Allnutts

                         Chinese Wedding Night

A Chinese couple get married, and she is a virgin . On the wedding night,
she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in
next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring" he says, " I know dis
you firs time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you
want, I do anyting - jus anytin you want you say. What you want?"

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request. "I want ............. numma 69" she eventually replies.

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually in puzzled tone he
queries ......... "You want ........ a Beef with Brackbean sauce?



A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day, he
dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone: "Get me a fucking cup of
coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other said responded: "You fool, you've dialled the wrong
extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are fucking talking to,
you idiot?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.

"Thank Christ for that!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.


>From Lee at Melbourne Uni

                              Gone Fishin!

Four married guys go fishing.

After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing
this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the
house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her
a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will
remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a
word. So they asked him: You haven't said anything about what you had to do
to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a. m. When it went off, I shut off
my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex?" and she said,
"Wear a sweater."


>From Mrs Next Door - Olivine

                       The Art of The Secretary"

(With apologies to Sir Humphrey Applebee, Cabinet Secretary - Yes Minister)

"It is characteristic of all committees, discussions and decisions that
every member has a vivid recollection of them, and that every member's
recollection of them differs violently from every other member's
recollection of them. Consequently, we accept the convention that the
official decisions are those, and only those, which have been officially
recorded in the minutes by the officials from which it emerges, with an
elegant inevitability, that any decision which has been officially reached
will have been officially recorded in the minutes by the officials and, any
decision which is not recorded, hasn't been officially reached even if one
or more members believe they can recollect it. So, in this particular case,
if the decision had been officially reached, it would have been officially
recorded in the minutes by the officials, but is isn't so it wasn't."


   Two from Little Di

                             NOTE FROM STAN

Dear Friends,

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did
when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell.

Let me relate how I handled the situation.

When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in
January, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both for
extra income and for health benefits that we need. She was a trained medical
transcriber when we met twenty-eight ears ago and was fortunate to land a
job at a local transcription house. It was shortly after she started working
at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home
from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that
she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not
to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I
understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to
wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now
not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I
do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't
cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help
her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used
to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that
she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says
she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue
of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am
willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to
wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club
or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell
her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her little
more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog,
vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this
allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.


  Dear Alcohol,

I thought I'd take a minute to discuss some troubling factors with you.

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours ... your
many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling (different than beer goggling,
which I'll touch upon shortly.) Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there
when needed - the perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game ... And
you're even around in the holidays. Yet lately, I've been wondering about
your intentions.

You see, I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, but I
feel that your influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed below for
your review:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
occurs at 5 AM. Text messages included.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from
my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce coupled
with chips and gravy some stale crisps (washed down with chocolate Big M and
topped off with a Cherry Ripe) is beyond me.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me I need to do yoga more
to increase my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me
to fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should never
take me more than 30 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the
last point below, but the following costumes are heretofore banned from
being placed on my head in public: Ties, Boxes, upside-down cups, traffic
cones or undies.

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely
do not. PLEASE do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do
actually know that person. This is similar to the old "Hey, don't I know you
from somewhere?" and should heretofore be rendered illegal.

Further, the subsequent hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little
penance for our previous evenings' debauchery may be in order, but the
2pm Hangover Immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that if the proper
steps are proactively taken on my part (i. e. water, vitamin B, bread
products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen
floor, the hangover should be quite minimal and no way interfere with my
daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day, for that matter) activities. Come on
now, it's only fair-you do your part, I'll do mine.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, and want to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when we
just don't know what to do with the extra money in our pockets. In order to
continue this relationship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances
above and address them immediately.

I will look for an answer no later than Friday at 5pm (pre happy hour) on
your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership. Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters.

Sincerely - your biggest fan


   Across the Tasman - something from Wellington Ben

                             INFLATABLE JOKE

An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad
day. Bored in his history lesson, he gets up and walks out. Walking down the
corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him and he pulls
a knife out and stabs him. He runs out of the school. As he gets outside, he
thinks again "I hate school" and pulls his knife out and stabs the
inflatable school. He runs off to his inflatable home.

Two hours later, his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom
door with the inflatable police. Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the
knife and stabs himself. Later on that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable
hospital and sees the inflatable headmaster in the inflatable bed next to
him. Shaking his deflated head, more in sorrow than in anger, the headmaster
gravely intones: "You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst
of all, you've let yourself down."


  This weeks graphics are from Rowan, Trina, Olivine, Rudi, Colin, Lee, Doug,
  DigiSteve, and Howard Britten.

No need to overdo it Click here

Happy Valentines Day Click here

Beware of the dog Click here

Maori Land Claim Click here

Cheeky Click here

Star Wars remake Click here

Mind the ... Click here

Coming attraction Click here

Believe it or not Click here

What's your poison? Click here

The C word Click here

Eddie's Monopoly Click here

Happy pics Click here

Dogfish Click here

Kool pics Click here

Brave little George & friends Click here


    From Biggus

                            FROM THE BLADDER

Adelaide star Wayne Carey was being lauded tonight after reportedly risking
his life to save a woman from almost certain drowning. Details of the rescue
are sketchy because the modest Crow key position player has refused to
comment to the media about his heroics, but it would appear that the former
North skipper showed a complete lack of concern for his own safety as he
dived fully clothed into a bubbling spa to drag the girl to safety.

It is believed that Carey was attending a Bible class at Adelaide's Stamford
Grand Hotel when he heard cries for help from the eighth floor of the hotel.
"Wayne just charged into the room, tearing off his shoes, saying: 'I'm
coming! I'm coming!'" said a witness.

With fierce bubbles, poor visibility because of steam, and the thrashing
limbs and moaning of the endangered girl, it is believed that it took Carey
more than half an hour of grappling to rescue the girl, with the Crow star
forced to administer mouth-to-mouth resuscitation repeatedly during the

"Thank God Wayne was there," a relative of the saved woman told The Bladder.
"Who knows what might have happened if the burly, heroic Roo turned Crow
hadn't been prepared to put his body on the line."

Carey is believed to have later told friends that he only wished that there
had been a vertical pole in the spa, so that the drowning girl could have
clung to it, maybe sliding up and down, until he was able to reach her. He
also wished that funky music had been playing, to stop her panicking.

Carey has been typically humble about the whole incident, refusing to
comment and asking that nobody tell his wife, Sally, because he wouldn't
want to worry her that he might have been in danger. He also asked for a
camera that apparently contained photos of the rescue, as he didn't want
public acknowledgement of his bravery.

Meanwhile, Crows officials have denied the entire incident ever happened.
"Look, while it's true that we offered footy tickets and a free night in a
bed and breakfast to a man in return for the camera that was taken from him,
containing photos of Wayne in the spa, we completely deny that that camera
exists or that Wayne was at the hotel or that there is a spa in the room or
that there even was a girl or that we plan to play AFL football this year or
that we're based in South Australia or that Wayne will be playing for the
Crows this year or that we have anything to hide."

The South Australian police have confirmed they are looking into the
incident, with a view to presenting Carey with a Bravery Award.


    A quickie from Sister Carol


On the subject of drugs in tennis, the Williams sisters were recently
discussing this in the warmup room before a doubles match.

"I think Dad might be slipping us steroids" whispered Serena.

"What makes you say that?" replied a stunned Venus.

"Well" , started Serena embarrassingly , "I've started to grow hair on parts
of my body that have never had hair before!".

" Shit.... like where?" asked Venus.

" Like all over my balls!" replied Serena.


    Quote of the Week

         "Maybe this world is another planet's Hell."

                                          - Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)


[ End Fri humour ]

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