Friday humour - February 07, 2003

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

        And gidday again,
    And it's sorta nice to be back at work too - air conditioned (sort of),
    and no more hard labour ... on weekdays, anyway!  Gee but some of those
    days were warm during the Jan break ... 44 degrees centigrade - yuk.

    Humour-wise, it's a bit of a fruit-salad this week.  All recent stuff,
    and starting off with a very quick one from our sunny Oz North at QCAT
    where they probably smile quietly at my whinging re 44.5 C temps ...
                           -------------------------


    LOOKS LIKE CANBERRA IS NOT THE ONLY CAPITAL CITY AFFECTED BY FIRE

  Washington, DC (Reuters)

A tragic and sad fire has destroyed the personal library of President George
W. Bush.  Both of his books have been lost.  The president is reportedly
devastated.  Apparently he hadn't finished colouring the second one.

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    A couple of people passed on this next one, most notably our gypsy
    XRD scientist Lachlan (who hasn't visited us this year ... not yet,
    at least).  Another one of those annoying junk-mails that's doing
    the rounds at the moment ...
                           -------------------------

                          URGENT ASSISTANCE - FROM USA

               IMMEDIATE ATTENTION NEEDED : HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

   FROM: GEORGE WALKER BUSH 202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111 FAX: 202.456.2461

   Dear Sir / Madam,

I am George Walker Bush, son of the former President of the United States
of America, George Herbert Walker bush, and currently serving as President of
the United States of America.  This letter might surprise you because we have
not met neither in person nor by correspondence.  I came to know of you in
my search for a reliable and reputable person to handle a very confidential
business transaction, which involves the transfer of a huge sum of money to
an account requiring maximum confidence.

I am writing you in absolute confidence primarily to seek your assistance in
acquiring oil funds that are presently trapped in the republic of Iraq.  My
partners and I solicit your assistance in completing a transaction begun by
my father, who has long been actively engaged in the extraction of petroleum
in the United States of America, and bravely served his country as director
of the United States central intelligence agency.

In the decade of the nineteen-eighties, my father, then vice-president of the
United States of America, sought to work with the good offices of the president
of the republic of Iraq to regain lost oil revenue sources in the neighbouring
Islamic republic of Iran.  This unsuccessful venture was soon followed
by a falling-out with his Iraqi partner, who sought to acquire additional
oil revenue sources in the neighbouring emirate of Kuwait, a wholly-owned
U.S.-British subsidiary.

My father re-secured the petroleum assets of Kuwait in 1991 at a cost of
sixty-one billion U.S. dollars ($61,000,000,000).  Out of that cost, thirty-six
billion dollars ($36,000,000,000) were supplied by his partners in the kingdom
of Saudi Arabia and other Persian gulf monarchies, and sixteen billion dollars
($16,000,000,000) by German and Japanese partners.  But my father's former
Iraqi business partner remained in control of the republic of Iraq and its
petroleum reserves.

My family is calling for your urgent assistance in funding the removal of the
President of the republic of Iraq and acquiring the petroleum assets of his
country, as compensation for the costs of removing him from power.
Unfortunately, our partners from 1991 are not willing to shoulder the burden
of this new venture, which in its upcoming phase may cost the sum of 100
billion to 200 billion dollars ($100,000,000,000 - $200,000,000,000), both
in the initial acquisition and in long-term management.

Without the funds from our 1991 partners, we would not be able to acquire the
oil revenue trapped within Iraq.  That is why my family and our colleagues are
urgently seeking your gracious assistance.  Our distinguished colleagues in
this business transaction include the sitting Vice-President of the United
States of America, Richard Cheney, who is an original partner in the Iraq
venture and former head of the Halliburton oil company, and Condoleeza Rice,
whose professional dedication to the venture was demonstrated in the naming
of a Chevron oil tanker after her.

I would beseech you to transfer a sum equaling ten to twenty-five percent
(10-25 %) of your yearly income to our account to aid in this important
venture.  The internal revenue service of the United States of America will
function as our trusted intermediary.  I propose that you make this transfer
before the fifteenth (15th) of the month of April.

I know that a transaction of this magnitude would make anyone apprehensive
and worried.  But I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the
day.  A bold step taken shall not be regretted, I assure you.  Please do be
informed that this business transaction is 100% legal.  If you do not wish to
co-operate in this transaction, please contact our intermediary
representatives to further discuss the matter.

I pray that you understand our plight.  My family and our colleagues will be
forever grateful.  Please reply in strict confidence to the contact numbers
below.

    Sincerely and may God bless you,

        George Walker Bush

Switchboard: 202.456.1414
Comments: 202.456.1111
Fax: 202.456.2461
Email: president@whitehouse.gov
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          And on a vaguely similar topic, this URL from Mike Horne:

  Read the views of a great author: Click here
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          Maria the Harding sent this one in ...

A man inherited a little over $1 billion dollars.  He had three sons.
He told his sons that since he now had all this money, he would like to know
what each of them would like to have.  He stressed that MONEY was no object.

His first son said that he had always wanted a Jaguar.  The father went out,
and since money was no object, bought him 7 Jaguars in different colours,
so that he would have a different one to drive every day of the week.

His second son said that he always wanted a motorcycle.  So the father went
out, and again since money was no object, bought him 30 new motorcycles,
10 dirt bikes, 10 hogs, and 10 touring bikes, so he would have a different
bike to ride every day of the month.

His third and youngest son was only 8 years old.  So the little guy said
that he simply wanted a Mickey Mouse outfit.  So, money being no object,
his father went out and bought his son the Carlton Football Club.
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    And this quickie is from the bookworms at Castle Hill Books in the UK:

                            EMAIL PORNO FILTERING

Local Council had a problem with porn spam coming through.  So they put in a
filter and wondered why all Email suddenly stopped.

Needless to say it was West SusSEX county council.

You just can't win ...
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   Now over to that great Victorian brewery that always manages to smell like
   Wheat Bix when you walk up the North end of town, and this lot from John
   who wrote "This is American, but the general idea is still the same"
                           -------------------------

                               SOMEHOW WE SURVIVED

If you lived as a child in the 50's, 60's or 70's, looking back, it's hard to
believe that we have lived as long as we have.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.  Riding in
the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.  Our baby
cribs were covered with bright coloured lead-based paint.  We had no childproof
lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes,
we had no helmets. (Not to mention hitchhiking to the city as a young kid!)

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.  We would spend
hours building our billy-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only
to find out we forgot the brakes.  After running into the bushes a few times
we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
when the streetlights came on.  No one was able to reach us all day.  No bat-
phones.  Unthinkable.  We played dodgeball and sometimes the ball would really
hurt.

We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth and there were no law suits from
these accidents.  They were accidents.  No one was to blame but us.  Remember
accidents?  We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and
learned to get over it.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were never
overweight.  We were always outside playing.

We shared one grape soda with four friends, from one bottle and no one died
from this.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X Boxes, video games at all, 99
channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal bat phones,
Personal Computers, or Internet chat rooms.  We had friends.  We went out
into the street and yelled out and found them.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rung
the bell or just walked in and talked to them.  Imagine such a thing!  Without
asking a parent!  By ourselves!  Out there in the cold cruel world!  Without a
guardian.  How did we do it?

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we
were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the
worms live inside us forever.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.  Those who didn't had
to learn to deal with disappointment ...   Some students weren't as smart as
others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.
Tests were not adjusted for any reason.  Our actions were our own.  Consequences
were expected.  No one to hide behind.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.  They
actually sided with the law, imagine that!  This generation has produced some
of the best risk-takers and problem-solvers and inventors, ever.  The past
50 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas.  We had freedom,
failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them.

Congratulations!

Please pass this on to others that have had the luck to grow up as kids,
before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good?
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    Okay, we're about half-way through, so lets have some pics now.  Here's
    a cupla classics from Andrew Smith, one of our PC/Windoze/Linux boffins:

Latest scarf craze: Click here
Pool life-guard (this one also passed on by Steve H): Click here

    This lot are all from Steve the Harding:

President Bush's check List for Iraq: Click here
Whiskers: Click here
Streaker: Click here

    And another from Mad Mick, cuz of David:

Starting a new office rumour: Click here

   Doug Knight passed this one on:

New Emblem: Click here

   And this one from Maria the Harding (but careful opening this):

Blow job: Click here

   One from Colin and also from the ol' westerly list:

Latest Oz palm-pilot: Click here

   Now this one from Brett really IS X-rated, so be ready to hit the Esc key
   while you're looking at it ... or just skip it :-)

Please give (X-R): Click here

   And finally, a few more that I found ... some old Don Martin and other
   MAD-mag type stuff (corny perhaps, but still love his cartoon style):

Desert island #1: Click here
Desert island #2: Click here
Men at work: Click here
Latest computer: Click here
Picking a new book: Click here
On the bridge one day: Click here
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      Back to John over at CUB now for a couple more.  Some of you may have
      already seen this first one (we've had it once before) but it's good
      enough to stand one repeat:
                           -------------------------

                IMPORTANT POINTS TO NOTE WHEN ORDERING PIPE

   PLEASE KEEP TO SPECIFICATIONS.

All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by a solid material which
is centred around the hole.

All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length, do not use holes of
different length to that of the surrounding material.

The ID (inside diameter) of all the pipe must not exceed the OD (outside
diameter) otherwise the hole will be on the outside and the pipe will be
referred to as rod.

All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or
other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

Pipe is sometimes supplied without rust; this can be applied at the job
site.  Note: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes.  If available
in your area, this product is recommended, as it will save a great deal of
time at the job site.

All pipe over 500 ft (150m) in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly
painted on each side at the end, so the contractor will know it is a long pipe.

Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE"
painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length
of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a short pipe.

All pipe over 6 ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE"
painted on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.

Flanges must be used on all pipe.  Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite
separate from the big hole in the middle.

When ordering 90 degree or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-handed
or right-handed, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill
pipe.  If you use downhill pipes for going uphill, the water will flow the
wrong way.

All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not
mix the threads.  Otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe,
it is being unscrewed from the other.

All pipes shorter than 1/8" (3 mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring
many joints.  They are generally known as "washers".

Joints in pipes for piping water must be watertight.  Those pipes for compressed
air, however, need only be airtight.

Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together.  This method is not
recommended for concrete or vitreous clay pipes.

Other items are often confused with pipes.  These include: Conduit, Tube,
Tunnel, Duct, Culvert, Straw or Drain.  Use only genuine pipes.

When shortening pipes, ensure to shorten the length.  Shortening the height
or width produces two troughs, which are open ended holes.

                             ----====#===#===#====----

    (Thanks to Brett from the RAAF)

         HOW TO SUCCEED IN THE PART TIME ARMY (OR TACTICS FOR PLASTICS)

Now that you are a member of Australia's elite amateur army, (sometimes
lovingly referred to as WAFTAMS, Chocos ) it is essential that you be made
aware of some of the customs and traditions which you will encounter in your
feeble minded "efforts" to defend the nation.

UNIFORMS

1. When being issued with your uniforms you should make every effort to
be issued with the maximum number of garments that do not fit.  You will
discover the wisdom of such a move under "Ways to spend a night at Army".

In particular make sure that footwear is several sizes too small, then by
wearing the ill fitting items you will not only ruin them, but also cripple
yourself, permanently, thereby ensuring adequate compensation and a tax free
income for life.  Another good reason for not getting the correct sizes for
clothing is that you cannot be confused with the Regular Army, who for some
obscure reason have been known to take some pride in their appearance.

Before attending a parade in uniform, you should first "break the uniform in".
This can best be achieved by wearing it to your civilian employment for
as long as possible before hand.  This method is particularly effective
if you are a mechanic, a garbo or you work in an abattoirs.

One last tip - do not under any circumstances have any garment laundered
or dry-cleaned.  Instead they should be worn until they rot, and fall off
of your back, then by filling out a simple form called an SD 16 - Loss and
Damage Report the garments will be replaced at public expense, eliminating
unnecessary cost to you and keeping the "Q" staff gainfully employed.

ARA CADRE STAFF

2. Always bear in mind that these people are your servants, they are here
at your beck and call, under no circumstances treat them as equals as they
might spew on you.  Do not inform them of any plans for future activities,
or change of addresses, marital status or anything else that you think they
should know, as this information tends to spoil their favourite pastime -
"guessing".

Above all, constantly impress on them that you know as much on military
matters as they do, after all, your annual average of 20 days home training
is only five days short of their annual average of 25 days leave.

PARADE NIGHTS

3. The average time of a night at "Army" is three hours, so that this vast span
of time will not become boring and to ensure that you are not exposed to any
military knowledge whatsoever, the following plan should be carefully followed:

a) Attend the first parade - this is always good for at least 30 minutes and
is essential because it is at this stage you are marked present (that is if
the roll books can be found and there is sufficient attendance to warrant
a parade) and you have to be marked present to receive your pay, marriage
allowance, travelling allowance and all the other things that keep the ARA
clerks from becoming bored;

b) Next a brisk stroll around the depot pausing for a chat here and there
with the boys from work, after all, it is two hours since you last saw
them.  Whilst you're at it why not ignore the proper channels (you know,
that chain of command thing) etc and pop in and say hello to the Adjutant
or better still the Commanding Officer.  These people always like to stay in
touch with the troops, you could even check up on your next promotion or an
overseas trip whilst you're there.

c) Now about that clothing that doesn't fit, this is time to do something about
it, so off to the 'Q' Store and join the queue, By changing only one item per
night you, can make this lerk last at least 12 months.  What's that!  You don't
have anything to change!  Well pop over anyway, the life of your socks have
probably expired so why not get some more (you know, for work and fishing etc).

d) After all of the above it should be time for the last parade and then you
can get on with your social life in one of the messes, which is really the
reason you bother with "Army" anyway.

4. The above procedure can be varied for weekends at "Army" which are somewhat
simpler to arrange because of the number of meal breaks.

LEAVE

5. It is realised that spending three or four hours a month on "Army" activities
can become tedious, so to relieve the boredom ,make sure you apply for leave
regularly.  The following reasons have proved most effective in the past:

a) You were struck down with a sudden attack of leprosy on your way to parade,
this one never fails and it will be even more convincing if you can arrange
for your right arm to drop off when you next salute the Commanding Officer;

b) You have contracted TB, this should only be used for extended periods of
absence and whilst explaining it to the RSM you should endeavour to cough
on him and huck a few gobs of phlegm into his "IN" tray, at this stage his
cries of sympathy should be almost human;

c) An elephant trod on your mother-in-law on the corner of Bourke and Queen
Street, this is a particularly moving excuse but should be used sparingly
due to the shortage of mothers-in-law.

NB: It is important not apply for leave until after you have taken it, this
minimises the risk of refusal.

HYGIENE IN THE FIELD

6. In order to maintain the normal GRes standard of hygiene in the field,
it is of paramount importance to wash as seldom as possible.  Unfortunate
regulations insist on personnel being clean shaven, so a token daily contact
with water is unavoidable.  A tried and proven method of minimising this
contact is as follows:

a) Go to the showers dressed in your Service Dress (that's the new one that the
ARA have to pay for, snicker, snicker), your head dress should be pulled down
as far as possible, to this, add your japara with the hood up thus exposing
the smallest area to be washed.

b) Select suitable water - an excellent spot for this is outside the ARA
showers where a plentiful supply of pre used water is available.  Great care
must be taken to filter any soap from this water before use, as it is a
known fact that the ARA use vast quantities of it.  Another point about soap,
you will be offered one or two cakes of it by well meaning ARA types at the
beginning of the camp, providing you are wearing gloves you can accept it.
You will find it very secure.

PROMOTION

7. Promotion within the Gres is normally based on length of service as per
the following scale.

a) After 3 weeks - LCPL/LBDR,
b) After 6 weeks - CPL/BDR, and
c) After 9 weeks - SGT and so on.

8. So you can see that it is unwise to take notice of ARA NCOs at the onset of
your military career, because in a short time you will outrank them anyway.
This concludes this short guide to the citizen soldier and we trust it will
be helpful to you in your new hobby.

9. To the ARA or more intelligent reader this precis may seem to be unfinished.
This has been done deliberately to conform with ARES practice - they usually
leave anything they touch that way
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         And finally, a couple from Fifi (Biggus) McCallum:
                           -------------------------

This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide.  The
pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for.

He answered, "I want to kill my wife."

"I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand
under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide."

The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife.

The pharmacist blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, I didn't realise you
had a prescription."

                             ----====#===#===#====----

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman
sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy.  You set yourselves apart too much.  Look at
me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood,
and some Swedish blood.  What do you say to that?"

The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."
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   Just before we close, for those of you who enjoy getting free music files
   off the 'net, David Magnay passed on this URL to an interesting article:

   Not something you can read in 5 minutes, but food for thought:
Embrace file-sharing, or die: Click here
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Friday humour ]



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